Even so, Robert’s eyes narrow a fraction, and I’m quite certain my lack of dryness is evident, Robert seems to think he detects some regardless.
“It would just be easier to talk to her in person.” He stands and then gives me a once-over before pulling out what I assume is a new pair of aviator sunglasses and slides them on. “Well, come on. I know you have a couple more things you need to do before we head into work.”
“You do remember you gave her the rest of the week off, right?” I ask him, ignoring the fact that he’s trying to get both of us out of the house now. “So if you want to talk to Jewel, I’m sure you can swing by her place to ensure that she’s okay. Though, if I’m being completely honest, I’m sure she’s fine.”
“She was held at gunpoint,” Robert points out.
Jeez, I know that. Does his tone have to seem so judgmental?
“Well, yeah, but she wasn’t hurt or anything,” I say, and this time, my mind is too busy thinking for me to try and keep the defensiveness out of my voice. “Thanks to James. I mean, you heard what happened. James practically saved her life. Actually, he did save her life!”
“Oh my God.” This time, all the cheekiness and mischievousness and everything that usually goes hand-in-hand with Robert Swift vanishes from his face. In fact, even though he’s wearing shades, I can tell by the look on his face that he almost seems… annoyed with me. “Are you kidding me right now, Maddy? Your close friend went through an arguably life-threatening ordeal and you’re gloating that at least James Morris was the one who rescued her? Do you know how incredibly shallow that sounds?” He now has his hands on his hips and he’s trying to make himself taller than he really is in order to intimidate me. It’s quite subtle and I only recognize it because I’ve seen him do it countless times in board meetings. And now he’s using it on me?
“I’m not shallow,” I say, though my voice sounds much weaker than I want it to. And I think I may be shrinking away from Robert’s presence.
“You’re not?” He runs his fingers furiously through his hair before making a jerky gesture, throwing his arm out. “Jesus Christ, Madeline, you think that you know everything there is to know about love just because you watch movies and read books with that theme so predictably sketched out. Those stories aren’t real love. They’re wishes, desires, hopes that maybe the writer will find his or her perfect person. Real love can’t be captured with words or with attractive, flawless actors. Real love is illogical and reckless and painful and beautiful. It’s a stunning mess. And just because you want more than anything to see Jewel and James together because you think he’s some Prince Charming and she’s some lost princess looking for the love of her life doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. If it’ll happen, it will happen and that’s it. There’s nothing else. You may have helped Harold and Melinda together, but I would bet my entire fortune that if you hadn’t intervened, they still would have gotten together, because they were supposed to be together. You don’t even factor in the equation. You don’t matter when it comes to someone else’s love life.”
He stops and I’m grateful because I’m really trying not to cry right now, but it’s really difficult and I just want Robert to leave so I can squeeze the tears out, get ready, and go to work.
“Madeline, you will never understand love until you’ve actually experienced it.” His voice is cold now, and I’m sure that if I could see his eyes, they would be even colder. “And since you never have, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“And you do?” I ask, though I really don’t know why I do that.
He seems surprised by my quiet question, but he tenses his jaw and nods. “I do know what I’m talking about.” He takes a step towards me and I swallow. I can’t look away from him, even in those Aviators. “Because as hard as it is to believe and as harder as it is for me to admit this out loud let alone to myself, I am in love, Madeline. Right now. With a beautiful, amazing, smart woman. And I’m scared shitless because I’ve never felt this way before, but I’m feeling it now. I’m not saying I’m an expert. I’m still trying to figure this out. But don’t go around claiming that you know what you’re talking about when you don’t. And it’s obvious that you don’t, because you’re not scared. So stop it. Stop trying to set everyone up and worry about yourself.”
He stops and despite my best effort, a tear slides down my cheek. I’m not sure if Robert has ever seen me cry, but I don’t want this to be the first time. I have so much to think about – he’s in love with someone? Why? And how could I not know? – and I can’t do that when he’s here, standing in front of me, probably thinking I’m a ridiculous imposter.
Because he’s right.
I never have been in love.
He opens his mouth, as if he’s going to say something, and I feel my heart constrict painfully, preparing for the sting that will come as a result from his words. But then, just like that, he closes his mouth, turns around, and leaves.
And finally, I feel myself inhale. The breath is excruciating, but at least I can breathe.
Okay, I know it’s not the most mature thing to do but I’ve skillfully avoided Robert the entire day at work. To be fair, I feel he’s been doing the same thing, except he’s avoiding me, but it’s been easier than I initially assumed. With Robert’s impending trip and the fact that he wants to arrange an in-person meeting, I’ve had reason to be busy. Luckily, I’ve never had to deal with Robert directly today, so I leave at five o’clock on the dot without having seen him since he left my apartment.
But just because I haven’t seen him doesn’t mean he hasn’t been on my mind. Really, I’ve tried not to think about him at all because I’ve found that when I start to do, I replay everything that happened this morning, go over every single word he said to me, and I’ve realized that I don’t like when Robert puts me in my place. I’m not saying I’m perfect but… I guess I’ve gotten used to the fact that I keep Robert in line and not the other way around.
The thing that kills me, though, is that the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe Robert knows what he’s talking about. I mean, I haven’t been in love, and yet here I go, trying to hook people up because I think they’d look good together. Who am I? I’m the girl who thinks she knows everything about love, but the more I start to understand it, to grasp the concept, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing about it. I thought it was so easy but…
And to hear Robert’s in love? And that he can admit it, that he can say it… I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean, I never expected Robert to fall in love. I thought it was going to be Robert and his constant slew of starlets, and me, to escort them out of his life, and… I suppose I never figured that I would ever fall in love either. I guess I just always assumed it would be Robert and me and his sexual but faceless partners, and that’s how it was always going to be. But this revelation…
I still don’t know what to make of it and it’s been at least nine hours since he’s admitted it.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’m getting a headache.
The moment I walk into my apartment, I decide I’m going to make some hot chocolate and curl up on the couch with the only man I’ll ever love – if I even love him, considering how uneducated I am on the subject – Stephen Colbert. I change into my most comfortable pair of pajamas, I grab my cup of hot chocolate, and the moment I flip the television on to Comedy Central and snuggle against the arm of the chair, I hear the door knock.
My heart instantly jumps into my throat. Obviously it’s Robert, here to apologize about everything he said to me, and okay, I can totally accept it and then apologize back, and everything can go back to the way it was before. I set my hot chocolate down on a coaster and get up, heading over to the door. My mind is already thinking about possible responses to Robert’s apologies – I like to be prepared with multiple responses because Robert is very unpredictable – but when I look through the peephole, I discover that it’s not Robert at my door, but
Jewel.
And she looks happier than she should be, considering everything she’s been through.
I open the door and step back, a silent invitation to let Jewel in, and she brushes past me.
“Hey,” I greet in a soft voice, hoping that my voice doesn’t reflect my disappointment. Not that I’m disappointed to see Jewel or anything, but I’m disappointed it’s not…
“Hey,” she says, spinning around on the ball of her foot. Her voice is filled with life, and there’s a sparkle in those blue eyes I haven’t seen before. I think it’s confidence, if I recognize it correctly. “I’m not interrupting anything, right? It’s just, I’ve had this entire day to think about it and I really… I need to talk to you. I have big news.”
“Oh?” I’m not sure what else to say to that as I slide down into my couch and reach out for my soothing cup of hot chocolate. I am suddenly reminded about manners. “Can I get you some hot chocolate, something to drink?”
“No, I have to get this out.” She stands in front of me, but apparently she’s so excited that she can’t stand still and has to pace. To say my interest in her new revelation would be an understatement. “I have big news, Madeline. I’m over Ethan.”
“Really?” I ask. My voice is still soft, almost wary, and I feel my back straighten at her words. “That’s great, Jewel, really. May I ask what inspired that?”
“Another guy,” she says, and then her face lights up into a beautiful smile. It’s weird how thinking or speaking of a particular guy can make us girls shine like nothing else. “Oh Madeline, I mean, how could I have not seen it before? He always talked to me, even when I first met him and was shy. He makes me laugh. And he rescued me, you know? He’s, like, the perfect guy, and to be honest, I still can’t believe someone like him is single because he’s just so… I know he has a reputation – living in the city and everything – but I don’t care about that. He’s more than that.”
Oh my gosh, is Jewel confessing that she’s fallen for none other than James Morris? Because if so, maybe I know more about love than Robert and I think. Sure, I don’t know everything about it, but maybe I can recognize chemistry when I see it. It’s not love, but it’s related to love. And that still counts, doesn’t it?
“I mean, sure, Robert is known for being something of a playboy, but whenever I look at him and he doesn’t know he’s being watched, he gets this wistful look on his face and I know, I just know, that there’s something deeper going on than he gets credit for.”
Did she just say Robert?
“Did you just say Robert?”
Jewel blinks and stops pacing, giving me an odd look. “Yeah,” she says slowly.
“As in, Robert Swift?”
This cannot be happening.
Jewel giggles at my bafflement.
“Yes.” She furrows her brows together. “Who else would I be talking about?”
“I thought you were talking about James!” I can’t help but exclaim. Today is not going the way I want it to go, and I don’t even get to watch Stephen. “James was the one who rescued you from the robbers at In-N-Out, not Robert.”
Surely she doesn’t need a recap.
“I wasn’t talking about him rescuing me there,” she says as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I was talking about how he danced with me. Remember? When Ethan snubbed me at the Valentine Masquerade? Robert asked me to dance.”
“Are you sure that Robert feels the same way?”
“Yeah,” Jewel says, and then she blushes and actually looks away. “I mean, it’s in the little things, you know? Like, he always asks how I’m doing or he always makes me laugh with a joke, even when I’m shy. Sometimes he’ll show up with a cup of coffee for me and he knows exactly how I like my coffee – with one cream and no sugar.”
“But…” Why is it so hard to breathe right now? Why is it so hard to speak? “But are you sure you and Robert would go well together? I mean, Robert’s kind of a Casanova and –”
“What? You don’t think I’m pretty enough for him or something?” Her tone has gotten defensive and she narrows cold eyes at me. “You don’t think he would fall in love with someone like me? I thought you were above all that superficial bullshit, Madeline, but apparently I was wrong. You aren’t any different from Ethan McCoy.”
And just like Robert did that morning, she walks off and actually slams the door behind me.
Robert and Jewel?
Is Jewel the woman Robert’s talking about? Is that why he gets so uptight whenever I mention setting Jewel up with James? Because he’s really in love with Jewel?
I can’t –
Why is my body reacting this way? It’s like I’m having a mental breakdown or something.
I can’t breathe. And I don’t even know why! That’s what kills me the most. I don’t understand this. I don’t get it.
And I don’t think Stephen Colbert can save me from my confusion.
Chapter 21
Because Jewel is still on her mandated paid leave and because she’s still mad at me, I am now forced to interact with Robert. It’s been thirty-six hours since we’ve spoken to each other, and by spoken, I mean since he yelled at me and I attempted not to cry and managed to fail at that one task. But being professional seems to trump even being prideful, and I arrive at Robert’s office at nine in the morning, dressed to the nines, completely and absolutely on time. I don’t need to give him another excuse to yell at me and truth be told, I really don’t want him to yell at me anymore.
In the three odd years that we’ve known each other and worked together, there hasn’t been one night when we haven’t spoken. And I say night because we constantly interact during the day. Whenever I get a day off, Robert calls me at least five times. I don’t even consider going on vacation because I don’t know how Robert would be able to handle himself without me. Not that he needs me, mind you. I know he is fully capable of taking care of himself and would move on and figure everything out if I ever were to leave. But I would worry about him if I was gone for a long period of time, and he’d be calling me nonstop, and going on vacation wouldn’t be worth it. At least not in my mind.
But now that Jewel’s in the picture, maybe he doesn’t need me as much as I originally think. I mean, her job is practically the same as mine is, except she does more of the grunt work, like getting coffee and filing and that sort of thing. But seeing as how she’s in love with him and everything, I’m sure learning all there is to know about him won’t be too difficult a task.
Even though I already know all there is to know about him!
But if she’s the girl that he’s crazy in love with, then he probably won’t want me around. Especially considering the fact that I tried to hook up his love interest with not one, but two other guys and waved that fact around in his face.
Oh my gosh, I’ve probably been putting him through an assortment of torture by doing that. And I really didn’t mean to. Maybe if he’d just told me that he was interested in Jewel in the first place, I wouldn’t have tried to set her up with anyone else. Robert’s important to me and all I want for him is to be happy. And if that’s with Jewel… well then, fine, I can apologize to both Robert and Jewel, resign with dignity, and I’ll even help plan their wedding, if they even want me around by then.
I could totally do that. For Robert. If Jewel is truly going to make him happy.
But, okay, I really don’t think Jewel could provide Robert the happiness he deserves. Not that she’s a horrible person or anything, but she’s not what he needs – and, on the same coin, Robert couldn’t fulfill all of Jewel’s needs either. She may think so because he’s handsome and charming and rich, but Robert is more than those things, and even more flawed than people think, and unless Jewel can accept him wholly and completely in spite of all that he is and all that he’s not, then she doesn’t deserve him.
Speaking of Robert, where is he? It’s not really like him to be late. Then again, considering we haven’t spoken in thirty-six h
ours, maybe he’s making me wait on purpose.
Okay Madeline, here’s what you do. Just tell him what you need to tell him. Don’t apologize. And then leave.
Sure, he’s going on a trip and won’t be back for a few days, which means it’s likely you won’t speak to each other in that time because you’re both mad at each other, but… Well, if he wants to fix this, he can start it.
Although… maybe I’m wrong too and maybe I should be the one to –
“Hey.” The voice is familiar and soft behind me, and it has caused the hairs on my skin to stand erect. I hear the door close behind him and then as he walks around me, comes into my line of sight looking as handsome as ever, he says, “Sorry I’m late.”
No aviators this time. He looks almost timid, hesitant, which is not like Robert at all.
Is everything okay? Is he okay?
Did he tell Jewel how he felt about her and then she, for some unknown reason, rejected him? That bitch. She doesn’t deserve him!
But if she loves him too, why would she reject him?
Why do I care? I really need to leave or I’m going to overanalyze and get a headache and something inside me is just going to shatter.
Okay Madeline, just start talking.
“Here.” I cut off whatever he’s going to say next – and I know he’s going to say something next because he’s looking at me with his brown eyes and his mouth is opened – by thrusting his ticket, all printed nicely on recycled paper, into his face, cutting the spell his eyes had me under. “Your ticket to Australia. Er… Sydney. You have two layovers, but you’re in first class, and you are a member of Delta’s Sky Miles club, so you can bide your time in their little lounge things. You leave tomorrow evening at eight o’clock and –”
The only reason I stop talking is because Robert has placed his hands on my shoulders. The ticket is completely forgotten – I think Robert folded it up and slipped it in his jacket pocket or something – and his eyes are locked with mine once more.
Four Sides of a Triangle: An Austen & Cufflinks Novel (The Austen & Cufflinks Series Book 1) Page 19