“No need.” Syd gives me a wink. “I like this arrangement and as long as you do too, we’re fine.”
“I like it very much.” There’s no point claiming otherwise because I know my face speaks for itself. I want this so badly. No… I need this. Syd is all I’m able to think of and by now, she’s become some unhealthy obsession, like I’ve only ever seen in movies. My attempts to find out more about her have failed, with only her Instagram account being public, and unfortunately it doesn’t show much other than her work.
“So, did you open it?” She’s lying on her bed again, this time dressed in a denim shirt and a pair of white Calvin Klein boy shorts. Her hair is slicked back after a recent shower and she looks like a model. I remind myself to keep my mouth closed as I take her in.
“I did.” I hesitate. “I’ve never used one like this before.”
“That’s okay. I’m honored to witness your first time.” Syd licks her lips and lowers her phone so only her face is visible now. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. You’re very distracting, Val.”
“Same here,” I reply. “Especially when you send me presents like this one.” I hold up the vibrator and open my robe a little further so she can see my breasts. Any lingering reservation has gone out of the window, any doubts I had last week have vanished like they were never there. I feel free with her and I truly believe there are very few things I wouldn’t do if she asked me. “I’ve been thinking of you too.”
“Good.” Her lips pull into a smirk as she stares at my breasts and shifts on the mattress. “Will you do something for me?”
“Depends,” I reply, a teasing tone ringing through my words.
Syd looks into my eyes and smiles. Her dimples turn me into a pool of liquid desire, and I nod. “I want you to turn around and sit up. Place the phone on the seat of the couch you so I can see you from below. Then open your robe. I want to know what it would look like if you were straddling me.”
I frown, working out the logistics in my head, then do as she says. As I sit down on my knees and look at the screen, I can see myself from below; a part of my stomach, the swell of my breasts with taut nipples sticking out and my face, looking down at her.
“God, you’re so fucking sexy,” she says, looking up at me through the screen in return. “I love this angle.” She’s unbuttoning her shirt, teasingly slow. It really does look like I’m sitting on top of her, and I feel an explosive need to reach through my phone and rip open her shirt. Finally, her breasts are exposed as she opens it and takes it off. She’s not wearing a bra, and the sight of her nipples makes me salivate, as I imagine sucking them hard into my mouth.
Apparently, this is not just a fantasy anymore, because I feel an overwhelming physical urge to be with a woman. Not just any woman, but with her, and it’s so strong that I might lose my mind if I don’t get to touch her. She’s so close, yet so far away and I’m afraid it’s not enough anymore.
“I want you,” I whisper, and I can hardly believe that I’m saying this to her, but I am. She’s all I want right now, maybe ever.
“I want you too,” Syd says, and I know she means it. She looks tortured, the way she stares at my breasts without being able to touch them, and I feel the same. “Imagine being on top of me,” she continues, locking her eyes with mine. “Imagine I’m wearing a strap-on. I want you to use the toy, ride it like you would ride me.” She pauses. “I want to be deep inside you, Val.”
Her words have me writhing, gasping for air. My hands shake as I get up on my knees, adjusting the phone so she can see all of me, and place the device between my legs. I don’t need lube; I’m incredibly wet already and the thought of sliding it inside me while she watches makes my juices flow even more. “Like this?” I ask, inching down on the vibrator, the tip of it pressing between my sensitive lips.
“Perfect.” Syd looks totally turned on as she slides her hand inside her boy shorts and watches me. “Now lower yourself into it.” Her eyes meet mine and for a moment, it’s like she’s in the room with me. “Feel me sliding inside you.”
It feels impossibly tight as I sit down on the phallic shaped silicone, and I moan as little by little each delicious inch stretches me open. It’s the most private thing I’ve ever done with anyone. My eyes flutter closed as I envelop the toy, moaning louder now.
“How does it feel?” she asks.
“Good,” I whisper. “It feels really good.”
Syd looks pleased with my answer, her own breath quickening. “There’s a button at the base. Press it.”
I reach between my legs and feel the slight bump on the sleek surface. When I press it, a groan escapes my mouth and my eyes widen. The vibrating sensations feel amazing inside me.
“Ride it,” she commands, and I do as she says.
My back arches each time I lower myself, my hips rolling and my shoulders and head falling back as I take on a slow and steady rhythm. I’m entranced, delirious, and I try to stay focused on her face and her voice, moaning each time the shaft enters me. She loves watching me; I know it, and it only turns me on more. “I’m going to come,” I say through hitched breaths, feeling so entranced by what we’re doing that I can barely speak.
“Yes…” Syd groans and her hand moves faster, making herself come too as I give in to my climax, clenching around the shaft. I imagine her strap-on being there, or her fingers, feeling my need for her. I’m vaguely aware of my body shaking, the noises I make, my facial expressions raw and wild, but in this moment, I don’t care what I look like. It’s earth-shatteringly good, and I regret it when we both come down and stare at each other in disbelief, because I don’t want this to be over just yet.
9
“God...” She mutters, looking at me through hazy eyes, and I still feel like I’m sitting on top of her.
I see my image on the half screen, the curve of my breasts visible from underneath, my hungry eyes looking down at her. “I know.” I’m breathless as I wipe the sweat off my forehead. “That was amazing. Imagine...” I hate myself for saying it out loud again, but the words just roll off my tongue. It’s not like I want to meet up. Or do I?
“Yeah,” she says, as if reading my thoughts. “Imagine if we did this in real life. Sweating bodies, kissing, skin on skin, heavy breathing, the smell of sex in the room... It would be pretty damn good.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “I don’t know, I might not survive. This is almost too much already.”
“There’s no such thing as too much.” Syd’s expression turns serious again, and something tells me that maybe this isn’t just a game to her. “Are you sure you’re not in a relationship?”
“No,” I say. “I’m divorced. Are you really single?”
“Yes.” She hesitates. “So there’s nothing stopping us from meeting up…”
My heart starts pounding in my chest because, although I’ve had that daydream many times since meeting Syd online, I’ve never actually entertained the idea of it becoming a reality. But then again, I never imagined us to be doing this either. “Do you really want to meet up?” I swallow hard and turn to lie down on my back, looking up at her. We’re both in close-up now, and although it’s crazy, it feels even more intimate than minutes ago when she watched me come while riding the vibrator. It’s the vulnerability in her eyes, which I’m sure, is reflected in mine too. We’re both scared because this is really, really good and God knows what will happen when we’re face to face.
“You could come here,” Syd suggests after a long pause. “Join me in my bed.” She pats the empty space next to her. “Or I can come to you or we can meet up somewhere in the middle... It doesn’t have to mean anything, I just want to fuck you, Val.”
Her proposal terrifies me, yet I can hardly contain my excitement. “We could do that.” I think it over for a beat, deciding that having her in my space is way too personal for me at this point. “I suppose I could come to you… I’ve actually never been to Canada.” I’m half expecting her to back out, but she doesn�
�t.
“That sounds good to me.” She gives me a sexy smile. “I promise you won’t regret it. I’m going to make your fuse blow like you can’t even imagine.”
Her confidence astounds me, and I’m trembling heavily, shaken by the idea of meeting up, but also so consumed by the thought of finally touching her. Is she really serious? “I have no doubt. I’m…” My voice trails away when a thought hits me. What if I’m crap in bed? I want this, but I won’t even know what I’m doing. “There’s something I haven’t told you,” I confess.
“Okay…” Syd frowns. “Tell me.”
I take a deep breath and decide to just blurt it out. “I’ve never been with a woman before.” She needs to know this, or she’ll be disappointed when we meet. If it makes her back out, then so be it.
“What?” Syd looks lost as she studies me. “How?” There’s a silence between us. “But you’re... you’re really into this.”
“I am. But I only discovered the books last year and joined the book club after my divorce. To a man,” I add. “The first lesbian erotica book I read… well, I ordered it by accident, and then I couldn’t stop reading them. That’s why I joined the book club, to get recommendations.” I’m convinced she’s going to change her mind but instead she shakes her head as if she can’t quite believe what I’m telling her.
“So you were married to a man?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re straight?”
“Kind of…” I shrug. “I’m not sure.”
Syd stares at me for another moment and I’d kill to know what she’s thinking. “That’s okay,” she finally says. “I’ll be honest with you; it was the last thing I expected after what we’ve been doing, but I’m kind of excited about the idea of being your first.” She brushes a lock of dark hair away from her forehead and shoots me a flirty look. “So don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything I know. And I know a lot.”
A blush hits my cheeks and I’m conscious of the fact that my insecurities are showing. No one has seen me like this, letting my guard down, not even my ex-husband. “Meeting up… it’s kind of bold, don’t you think?” I ask. “I mean, we’ve only known each other—and when I say ‘known’ I mean that in the broadest sense of the word—for ten days. I don’t think anyone would even consider getting on a flight for someone after ten days. Isn’t it very…”
“Very soon?” Syd finishes my sentence. “Yes, it’s very soon. Stupid soon.” She smiles, her dimples turning me into putty in an instant. “But then again, it’s just sex. We’re meeting up to have sex, not to get married.” A faint sigh passes her lips, as if she too knows that it makes no sense at all, even if it’s just sex. “How about we wait a couple of weeks? We both have lives and need to make arrangements so if by that time we still feel like we want to meet as much as we do now, we’ll figure out where and when.”
“Okay,” I say with a mixture of relief and disappointment. If it was up to me, I’d be there tomorrow, but right now I’m not thinking clearly, and if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think I’m ready yet either.
“And if you change your mind, that’s fine of course,” Syd adds. “There’s no pressure and you can tell me to leave you alone anytime.”
At that, I laugh because the chances of me growing tired of her are about as slim as me getting back with Brian. I want her with every fibre of my being, every cell in my body. Just the thought of her makes me weak, taking away any sense of logic that I normally hold onto so dearly. “I doubt that’s going to happen,” I say, shooting her a flirty look. “But the same counts for you. If you get bored of calling me, just let me know and I won’t bug you anymore.”
Syd’s eyes narrow as her face pulls into an amused grin, and she tilts her head in the most adorable way. “I doubt that will happen either. So for now, let’s keep meeting up online after work when we’re both available.” She quirks an eyebrow. “It’s too good not to, right?”
10
“I’m going to see her,” I tell Ellen over cocktails. We’re in a private members’ club in Hollywood, the female equivalent of a traditional gentlemen’s club, I suppose. No men are allowed here, and it’s nice to go somewhere with exquisite service without having to dodge guys trying to impress you by sending over drinks and starting unwanted conversations. We only ever go here when we’re planning to have a serious talk, or gossip over their indulgent drinks’ menu. Any night spent in Tigress is a guarantee for a headache the next morning, but I don’t care because I really need to blow off steam to someone.
“You’re fucking with me.” Ellen looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind, and right then, I’m wondering if maybe I have. Am I really sure I want to do this? Saying it out loud suddenly sounds daunting. I must be insane to get on a plane for someone I only met online three weeks ago, and a woman no less. The money is no issue, and it’s not like I’ve taken any vacations in the past couple of years, but it does seem like a mad idea. I don’t know Syd, and I don’t even know if I’ll feel the same when we meet face to face, yet the prospect of making love with her in person has me consumed day and night.
“No, I’m serious,” I say, taking a sip of my old fashioned as I sink deeper into the red, velvet couch. The club is situated on the roof of a tall building, a breathtaking view over the City of Angels stretching before us. Just like Ellen, I appreciate the finer things in life and Syd is no doubt one of them.
“You’re going to fly to Canada and then what? Have endless wild sex?”
“Yes.” I shrug. “I have no choice. If I don’t do it, I’ll always wonder what it could have been like. I crave her and the craving’s only growing.”
“Jesus.” Ellen chuckles. “What has she done to you?” she asks.
“I’m not sure.” It’s weird not to be sure, as I’m always so self-assured. “All I know is that I was straight and dominant—at least in my job if my colleagues’ comments are anything to go by—and admittedly, perhaps a little dull in my private life. But apparently that’s not who I am anymore. Or maybe I never was that person.” The thought of having lived a lie for most of my life makes me feel a little sick. “What if I am gay?” I ask. “I’ve never felt so sexually fulfilled as I do now. What a fucking waste of time. All those years with men…”
“Nothing’s a waste,” Ellen says, putting on her ‘I know it all’ tone. “None of my husbands were a waste of time. They gave me nice houses, cool cars, an amazing collection of designer handbags and club memberships for life.” She spreads her arms and gestures to the opulent room we are now sitting in. Crystal chandeliers twinkle from the ceiling and an immensely talented pianist sits behind a shiny black grand piano, whilst beautiful waitresses in little red dresses flutter around the room like butterflies, topping up Champagne and serving the latest finger foods. “And your life wasn’t a waste either. That prick got you where you are today, and the divorce only added to your capital.”
“Hey, that’s not true,” I object. “My career has nothing to do with Brian, I did that all by myself. So yes, it was a waste,” I mumble, downing the rest of my cocktail. I don’t buy Ellen’s excuse. She was never happy when she was married, and neither was I. Frankly, I don’t see how having more money makes that any better. But then again, I like to work, and Ellen doesn’t. I like the power it gives me, the respect. I get excited by accomplishment; Ellen gets excited by Veuve Clicquot and Prada. “But we’ll see. I might not feel the same when I get there, anything is possible.”
“I think you’re going to enjoy yourself more than you can imagine,” Ellen says, holding her glass up in a toast. “How long are you going for?”
“Two nights.”
“Smart move.” Ellen nods in agreement. “One night is too short, but if it’s not for you, or if she turns out to be a lunatic, you can always spend a night at the airport or change your flight.” She waves at the waitress and points at our glasses, letting her know we’d like another. “So what about her, then?”
“What about her?” I ask, no
t understanding where Ellen is going as she inclines her head toward the waitress.
“Would you sleep with her?”
My eyes follow the blonde woman, whose hips sway as she makes her way to the bar. She’s pretty, sure, and her body is amazing, but there’s something missing. I shake my head. “No, not feeling it.”
“What about her, then?” Ellen then nods toward one of the customers, a redhead in a booth behind us. Again, she’s attractive, but I can’t imagine myself naked with her. Not like with Syd, who’s been on my mind twenty-four-seven.
“No. I’m not attracted to anyone apart from Syd,” I admit. “I don’t think sex is the same if the energy isn’t there, man or woman.”
Ellen shrugs. “I have no problem with that part but hey, each to their own.” She grins, and I suspect she’s had many an interesting night with her never-ending plethora of toy boys. “Anyway,” she continues, “we need to go shopping.”
I smile at that because I’ve been thinking exactly the same. “Yes. I need new lingerie.”
“And you need some snazzy outfits. You can’t go there looking like you’re heading for a board meeting.”
“What’s wrong with my suits?” I regard my perfectly cut black suit that fits me like a glove. It’s my armor, my protection, and in essence, it’s who I am. Smart and no-nonsense.
“There’s nothing wrong with them…” Ellen purses her lips as she regards me. “But you might want to get something that comes off easily. No one wants to attempt removing a turtle neck and having to peel off three layers of clothing when they’re desperate to fuck you. You need something that she can simply hike up. However, the heels might come in handy.” She snickers behind her hand as she utters the last sentence.
I laugh it off, but the thought turns me on. Ellen is right; I can’t rock up in a pantsuit, it’s far too complicated. “Okay, let’s go shopping.” I take my second cocktail from the waitress, again appreciating her looks. I might not want to sleep with her, but I do think she’s way more attractive than any man I’ve ever dated, so maybe that says something about me after all.
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