But when I opened the door to the silence of the apartment, I’d found Jared’s bag still shoved in the corner of the room, and I was struck with a deep relief that eclipsed the flickers of anger I’d felt throughout the day.
I couldn’t stand to leave things between us the way they’d been this morning.
After a shower to wash away the grime from the greasy kitchen, I’d crawled in bed with my sketch pad and allowed my thoughts to drift. I’d captured images, each time feeling I was close to touching on something beautiful, but in every stroke I saw my own imperfection. I’d drawn until my eyes had sagged with exhaustion and I’d finally set the pad aside.
But I couldn’t find sleep.
Hours passed, and now I stared.
Waited.
I rose to my elbows when I heard the apartment door whine open. Craning my ear, I listened, trying to discern the footsteps. They were subdued, but even then, I could tell they were too heavy to be Christopher’s.
Muted sounds leaked into my room. I rolled from bed, quieting my feet as I crossed the room. I slowly turned the knob, cringing with the slight creak it gave, and carefully pulled it open. Tiptoeing, I edged along the hall.
“Fuck,” he muttered, the sound so quiet I wouldn’t have heard it at all had I not had my back pressed to the wall, straining to listen.
Desperation filled the air, a tension that slipped along the floor, beckoning me forward.
He came into view as I peeked into the kitchen. Everything was dark except for the bright light coming from the freezer where he stood with his back to me. He was fumbling for something inside. His movements seemed sluggish, although he kept shaking his head with these harsh motions, disgust pouring from him. He wrestled with a cheap blue ice cube tray, twisting it over the sink. Ice cubes shot out in a flurry. Half clattered into the sink and the rest hit the floor. His shoulders slumped as pressed his hands onto the counter to hold himself up, his head hanging low. “Shit,” he mumbled under his breath.
Tentatively, I found my way around the bar. I sidled up to him, nudging him back a step. “Here, let me help you.”
He jerked with surprise before he twisted his head farther away and moved aside, standing there like a scolded child. He wouldn’t even look at me.
My gaze swept over the counter. He had a towel out, and ice cubes littered the bottom of the sink.
“Are you hurt?” I asked quietly, keeping my voice even, training my attention on piling ice cubes in the towel to make a compress. I glanced over my shoulder to catch the horrified expression on his face when he looked up.
I froze, wide-eyed.
That beautiful face was filthy, and his eyes were achingly sad. Pain twisted me in its fingers, wringing me from the inside. He looked like absolute death. His white printed tee was in tatters, smeared with dirt and oil, hanging from his body at odd angles from where it had been stretched and deformed. I stifled a gasp when I saw his bloodied hands. Gashes were opened on each knuckle, the torn skin filled with rocks and rimmed in dirt.
His hands were a complete mess.
I squeezed my eyes shut as realization hit me hard.
It wasn’t just his hands. It was Jared Holt who was the mess.
“Come here,” I whispered, reaching out to take his hand.
He backed away. “I can take care of myself, Aly. Just go back to bed.” This time, there was no anger in his words, just defeat.
I shook my head. “Are you sure, Jared? Because it doesn’t look that way to me.”
He blinked as if he was trying to make sense of what I’d just said.
“Now come here and let me help you.” I offered him my hand. He seemed reluctant, wavering in indecision, before he finally placed his palm against mine. A thrill slithered along my skin. For a second, I remained still, relishing the slight connection. I lifted my gaze to him, and he was looking at me as if maybe the feel of my skin caused him pain.
“Come on.” I led him out into the living room to the couch. “Sit.”
Reluctantly he obeyed, and he sank to the edge of the couch. A heavy groan rumbled in his chest when he did. He dropped his head, his injured fingers gripping at the back of his neck.
“I’ll be right back.” I rushed into the kitchen, gathered the pieces of ice melting on the floor, and tossed them into the sink. I got a fresh towel and ran it under some cool water, wringing it out before I made my way back to him. He glanced up at me. All the belligerent hostility from this morning had vanished. Shame had taken its place.
This was the boy I’d found in the pages of the sketchbook I’d retrieved this morning.
I lowered myself onto my knees in front of him, my movements slow and calculated as I reached out to lightly tug at one of his forearms, never looking away from the haunted blue eyes that stared down at me. Again he flinched at my touch, a sharp gush of air rushing from his nose, before he relaxed and allowed me to bring his hand down onto his lap.
A little blood still oozed from the wounds, but it had mostly dried. I placed the towel on his hands. “Here, hold this and try to stop the bleeding. We need to get this cleaned up so it doesn’t get infected.”
I was a little surprised when he agreed with a quiet “Okay.”
I hurried to the bathroom, where I dug through the cabinet under the sink for the first-aid kit. Taking a second for myself in the sanctuary of the bathroom, I focused on quieting the rush of feelings igniting my senses in a way they should not. I was smart enough to recognize when I was on dangerous ground.
Everything about him was dangerous. Just as dangerous as he was beautiful.
I’d witnessed firsthand the destruction that was Jared Holt.
But there was no chance I could stay away.
I headed back out and set the kit beside me on the floor.
“Let me help you.” I took the towel and began to dab at this knuckles, hoping to remove some of the dirt. “You should probably run this under some water and wash it with soap.”
“It’s not that big a deal, Aly.” His expression was soft, but filled with confession. Like this happened all the time.
“I hope there wasn’t someone on the receiving end of this.”
Jared laughed mildly, a warm sound that contradicted his hard exterior.
It made me smile.
“No… not this time, unless a grungy wall counts.”
“I suppose not,” I said, sitting up on my knees to get a better look. I scrunched up my nose. “God, you smell like a Dumpster.” He might as well have taken a bath in booze.
“Well, I’ve got to smell better than I feel. Pretty sure my head might explode.”
“And whose fault is that?” I challenged, eyeing him.
I thought maybe he’d lash out at me. Instead he sighed. “Mine, Aly. It’s always mine.”
His answer stung, and I immediately wished I could take the accusation back. I knew the root of the issues he bore, the blame he laid on himself, the constant burden he carried.
I fought the urge to hug him, pictured myself inching forward, whispering in his ear that I’d share it with him if he’d let me.
Biting my lip, I focused on cleaning one hand with the towel as best I could, avoiding looking at his face. But I could feel him staring at me, could feel the power of his eyes as they watched me. My heart beat a little faster.
“Almost done with this one,” I said, giving in and glancing at him. A soft smile touched just one side of his mouth. Quickly, I looked away. I poured some peroxide onto a cotton ball and gently ran it over his wounds.
He hissed. “Shit… that stings.”
I cringed. “Sorry.”
Placing a piece of square gauze over the knuckles of his hand, I lifted it to wrap medical tape around it to keep the bandage in place.
He sighed as I worked. “Aly, listen… ” His voice was quiet and took on an undertone of regret. The short flare of softness he’d watched me with last night again transformed his eyes. “I’m really sorry about the way I acted this mo
rning.”
I knew his apology was genuine, and maybe I should have let him get away with it. But I didn’t want to. What he’d done hurt me. I twisted my jaw as I looked up at him, blindly dabbing at his other hand as I called him out on it. “Are you always an asshole?”
This time his quiet laughter was hard. “What did you expect me to be, Aly?”
“Different,” I said, fully pinning him with my eyes.
“But I’m not.” His voice was gentle, and I was sure I didn’t believe him. “I wasn’t lying to you this morning. You don’t need my shit and I can’t handle yours.”
I struggled to make sense of how he’d changed the words and the hint of desperation he’d injected in them.
“We were friends once,” I said, picking up his other hand to begin cleaning it. “At least I thought we were.”
His lids dropped closed for the longest moment. When he opened them, he reached out to gently trace his fingertips along the whitened scar barely visible along the outside of my forearm from when I’d fallen out of the tree. His fingers were rough. Perfect.
My lips parted as goose bumps rose on my skin. I shivered, and he pulled away. He pressed his lips together, his head cocked to the side as he sat back. “Yeah, I guess we were.”
“Are you not allowed to have one now?”
He laughed softly, an incredulous sound as he shook his head. It appeared as if he was shaking it at himself. “Aly, you’re killing me.”
I frowned. “I don’t get you, Jared. Did you think you could stay here and I’d just ignore you? I care about you.”
“Don’t say that,” he whispered, something like grief flashing in his eyes.
“But I do. I always have.”
He attempted to pull away, but I held tight. “Friends,” I emphasized. At the very least, he owed me that.
With his free hand, he scratched at the side of his head, and a teasing smile slowly worked its way onto his mouth. “Fine, Aly, we can be friends. Do you have a note you need me to X the box on, too?” He gave me an exaggerated eye roll.
I thought maybe he deserved a punch in the arm, exactly like I’d given him when he made fun of me for the letter he found that I was going to give to Zachary Braggs in the fourth grade. I laughed a little. “You’re such a jerk.”
Everything about him softened when he tugged at a lock of my hair. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Pretty sure you’re going to regret being a friend of mine.”
“You’re completely full of shit, you know. You don’t scare me for a second.” It was a lie, of course. Pretty much all my fears were wrapped up in him.
His face darkened. “I’m not trying to scare you, Aly.”
“Then don’t.”
NINE
Jared
What the hell was I doing?
Everything about this situation was wrong. Aly kneeling in front of me. Touching me. She was close, too close. I could taste her breath, and I kept catching hints of that fucking delicious coconut body wash I’d used last night. Somehow it smelled a thousand times better on her.
These urges constantly hit me, and I couldn’t help imagining what it’d be like to bury my nose in the haven behind her ear, to press my mouth to her jaw, to tangle my hands in her hair. Against my better judgment, which could so easily be called into question, anyway, I gave in. Took a little.
I was always so good at taking.
The strand of hair I tugged between my fingers was soft, like silk against my callused skin. The action should’ve been innocent enough. I remembered doing it often when we were children, just a small act of affection to let her know it was okay she was there. There was never anything more to it than that.
But I knew better now, knew it would stir the need I’d felt in the pit of my stomach since I found her backed against that wall last night, since she’d driven me half-mad in her kitchen this morning, since I’d stumbled into her apartment like the piece of trash I was tonight. Somehow she still found me worthy, kneeling in front of me as if I deserved even a scrap of the attention she gave me now.
With her head down, she attended to the wounds on my other hand. I allowed my gaze to fall, to trace the face I wanted to trace with my hands.
I didn’t think I’d ever felt intrigued by a girl before the way I was now, had never wanted to crawl inside someone’s mind to dig through her thoughts, to find out who she was. Why she was. Aly’s green eyes were both fierce and soft, her touch both intent and gentle. She was kind, yet she didn’t hesitate to call me out on my shit. She made me itch and squirm, made me want to run and want to stay.
She began taping up my second hand, forging this little truce between us, steadily sucking me deeper into a place I knew I shouldn’t go.
But I couldn’t stop it.
There was something about being alone with her in the seclusion of this apartment that I liked, like maybe we were sharing some kind of secret that no one else could touch.
A distorted sense of security.
For just a little while, I wanted to drift in the delusion.
I watched her as she worked. Every couple of seconds, she glanced up at me with those eyes that seemed to know more than they should.
Aly shifted closer. I attempted to scoot back without her noticing, but she tugged on my hand. “Would you hold still? You’re worse than a two-year-old,” she said.
Was she completely oblivious to what she was doing to me? Every time she moved, her chest brushed against my knees, and damn, if it wasn’t the greatest temptation I’d ever had to endure. Did she know how badly I wanted to touch her? To take a little more? Maybe take it all? My thoughts raced ahead, and I wondered what she’d do if I edged off the couch and laid her back on the floor. Would she stop me? Or would she allow me to feed off her compassion and goodness? Would she let me wreck her? Destroy her? Because that was the only thing I knew how to do.
I sucked in a breath and held it. No fucking way was I going there. Not with her, even if she was the only girl who’d ever made me feel like I had to have her. The first who’d ever made me want. That in itself was a pretty damned good reason to stay away from her.
That and the fact that she was Aly.
My Aly.
She sat back on her haunches. Her smile was soft when she looked up at me. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Thank you,” I said honestly, because it’d been a long time since anyone had taken care of me. It hurt to think of the last time someone had.
“You’re welcome.” Her voice was quiet, and she sat there, just staring at me, a lot like we had last night, although now things seemed completely different.
“You’d better get some rest. It’s really late,” I said. I’d lain flat out on the hard ground for hours while I let myself sober up to the point where I could at least get myself back to the apartment, and I hadn’t come crawling up the stairs until three in the morning.
“Yeah, you’d better, too.” She sounded a little disappointed.
Her delicate hands pressed into the couch on the outside of my legs as she helped herself to stand. This time her hair did brush against my chest. We both froze at the contact, and she looked down at me, her face three inches from mine. She hovered there, her eyes searching.
Motherfucking trigger.
I wet my lips and found my voice, although it was heavy with strain. “Please go to your room, Aly.”
Blinking, she nodded before she pushed herself the rest of the way up. She paused at her door, whispered, “Good night,” and then disappeared inside her bedroom.
The next Friday night I sat at the round kitchen table across from Christopher, drinking a beer while I got my ass kicked at poker.
I folded and Christopher leaned over the table. With his forearm, he swept the pile of coins and one-dollar bills to his side. “Easy money,” he drawled, taunting me.
“Yeah, ’cause you’re a fucking cheater.” I laughed as I tipped my beer to my mouth.
“Nah, man, you just suck�
� or have really bad luck, one of the two.”
Now, bad luck was something I’d definitely feel comfortable putting money on.
Come to Me Quietly (Closer to You) Page 6