I was almost done circling when my cell phone started to ring. I fumbled in the dark car and flipped it open. Shit, it was ten after six, and I was still several miles from Kat.
“Hey Kat, sorry I’m running late.”
“You don’t run late – where are you?”
“On Maple.”
“What held you up?” She sounded concerned.
“Uh traffic. Seriously, I’ll be there real soon. Tell James…I mean the group that I’m sorry.”
I hung up with Kat feeling even worse. I’d lied again. I circled Maple one last time and felt fairly certain that the bump was nothing more serious than a glop of frozen slush. I gripped the wheel concentrating on breathing deeply and drove slowly to Kat’s. I found if I checked my side mirrors before every turn and my rear-view directly after that I could feel relatively at ease. I pulled up to Kat’s and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that at least I wouldn’t be at the wheel tonight.
The band couples sat on the leather couches in the living room layered in thermal shirts, scarves and mittens. The boys looked especially adorable in their assortment of cable knit sweaters and thick socks. It made me smile seeing everyone so warm and cozy. The large mess of children that were usually tumbling out of every door were nowhere to be seen. Kat’s house, while welcoming, typically bordered on chaotic. When she had the time to hang out, she usually insisted on coming to our place; solitude I guess.
“Ames!” Kat ran over and hugged me. “The boys look so cute!” she whispered in my ear.
They were standing by the window, talking animatedly with one another. “They sure do,” I whispered back.
James walked toward us and said, “Ladies are we ready or what?”
“Ready!” we chimed.
Piling into two cars was not as awkward as I worried it would be. Two of the band couples hopped into Paul’s car and Nolan sat shotgun next to Kat. I was grateful that I was left choice-less.
On the drive downtown, I decompressed as we sang along to the great collection of oldies on Kat’s iPod. As we passed the downtown district, we watched couples situated at tiny tables in overcrowded restaurants, all glad to be going someplace much more low-key.
The park was buzzing with holiday energy. Lights draped the entire park; white icicles left over from Christmas and fist-sized globes of red and pink added a cheery glow to the evening. There was a good mix of ages at the park, but mostly couples whose kids were undoubtedly left at home with a sitter. I wore a cream sweater with grey corduroy pants and a pink scarf and hat. Of course I left my matching pink mittens at home in favor of James’ gift.
I was pulling money out of my pocket when James handed the attendant a twenty-dollar bill. “Two adult admissions and skate rental please.”
“James!” I hissed.
“Hmm?”
“I have my own money.”
“I know that Amy, but I want to treat.”
“It’s a group thing,” I started.
He turned towards me, looked straight into my eyes and said, “Yes, but unfortunately I don’t have enough cash for everyone.” He winked. He was adorable. “Let me pay Amy – it doesn’t make this any more than you want it to be. I promise.”
He turned back to the attendant, took his change and handed me my rental voucher. Smiling, he tugged on the end of my scarf and put his arm over my shoulders. “Amy, you seem kinda tense. Loosen up okay?”
I let the weight of his arm relax my shoulders. “Sorry.”
I smiled back and graciously accepted the voucher, but his words kept repeating in my mind. “It doesn’t make this any more than you want it to be.” Any more than I want it to be? I wanted time to analyze his words; to talk it over with Kat, but she was already on the far side of the skate rental tent with Nolan who was lacing up her skates. James was right. I didn’t need to analyze; I needed to loosen up.
The evening was perfect. A swarm of fireflies circled in my belly, warming me from the inside out until I was sure that their glow poured straight out of me. We started out in a group and slowly spread out around the rink in pairs. James was in need of help at first. His stiff legs and overly tense body were a disaster waiting to happen. I positioned him between me and the wall, and he reached out for my hand. Through my mittens I felt how strong his hands were; it made it somewhat difficult to concentrate. I never knew it could feel so good to hold someone’s hand.
Slowly but surely, he started skating more confidently, and the death grip he had used on my hand loosened. I thought he was just about ready to go on his own when he turned toward me. “Hey! Look at me – no hands!” He let go of the wall and my hand and took a bold glide forward. It was a good thing that no one was in front of us because seconds later he was on his side with ice shavings sprayed up across his face.
“James! Are you okay?”
“Hmm…my face is cold – but I think so,” he said laughing.
I crouched down as James pulled himself into a seated position. I reached forward and gently wiped the ice shavings off of his cheek. He reached for my hand and gave it a little kiss right on the back. A surge of warmth rushed through me as I took in what happened. Our eyes met, holding onto each other longer than usual and James asked, “Help me up Ames?”
My breath caught. Ames – only Kat and Aunt Lisa have ever called me Ames. I liked the way he said it; it fit. I slipped my mitten back on and pulled myself up using the wall for support. I braced my blade sideways so as not to slip forward and hoisted James onto his feet.
“Are you up for some cocoa?” he asked.
“Sounds wonderful,” I responded, still savoring the mini-moment of him kissing the back of my hand.
“Good, cause I’m freezing.” His sweater had globs of half-melted slush stuck to it, and I brushed him off as we tottered across the rubber floor of the warming house. Nolan and Kat were inside as well – seated on a bench overlooking the park. The band was being piped in from outside. They were actually a really good group: playing a mix of oldies and current pop charts.
I beat James to the cocoa stand and ordered two cocoas with whipped cream. James pulled out his wallet, but I’d already paid. We sat facing the park, skates propped up on the empty bench across from us.
“Thanks for inviting me Ames. I’m having a great time.”
“Me too.” I smiled. I was having an awesome time – until this very moment when the nagging voice in the back of my head reappeared, asking me if I’d hit something on the way to Kat’s. It would be awful if I hit something and kept going. Who does that? James was talking, but I was unable to concentrate except for a few moments here and there. The butterflies vanished followed shortly by the fireflies, and I could feel pinpricks on the back of my eyes. Do not cry. And as soon as I told myself that, I just about did. It was ridiculous to have these negative “what if” thoughts parading through my mind while I was supposed to be enjoying a Valentine’s Day date with James. I was in major danger of crying – luckily James was still watching the skaters outside.
I excused myself and went to the ladies room in search of tissue for my nose; if I breathed again, everything would spill over. I darted into the farthest stall and leaned up against the wall. I took deep breaths trying to settle my mind, but nothing worked. The tears trickled down slowly at first and then gathered speed; they were big fat silent tears, the kind that make your eyes red and your cheeks blotchy.
Why was I so worried? I’d already checked and hadn’t found anything…in fact I drove around the block six times. But the thoughts persisted; I hadn’t checked in the bushes on the boulevard. Maybe I did hit someone’s pet, but didn’t see it because it ran into the bushes hurt and scared. Why these thoughts now though? Why when I was fine for the past hour? I was starting to feel like I might be going crazy. Nothing made sense anymore.
In time my tears stopped, but they left my scarf absolutely soaked. My inhales caught jaggedly in my chest as I regained composure over my breathing. I took toilet paper and squeezed the scarf u
ntil it was damp. I didn’t know how long I’d been gone or how I was going to make any sort of graceful re-entry.
“Ames?”
Shit…Kat was in the bathroom.
“Uh yeah?” I answered trying to sound normal.
“Why are you in here? What’s wrong?”
I opened the door and started toward the bay of sinks.
“Ames! What did that boy say to you?”
“Who? Who said what to me?” I asked as nonchalantly as possible.
“You were crying! What happened?”
I knew it was a far fetched idea, but I threw it out, “I got an eyelash in my eye, and it wouldn’t wash out. It really stung, but I’m fine now.”
“Wow…that’s weird,” she said slowly. She paused and studied me carefully before going on, “Well anyway, James is waiting for you out there; let me get you cleaned up.” Kat pulled a compact out of her purse and smoothed the translucent powder over my blotchy face. Then she handed me her lip gloss.
The Maple Street scene was still replaying in my mind, the terrible crime I probably committed. My stomach flopped around and around and around. I suddenly understood what it might feel like to be sea sick. I pursed my lips together, studying the mirror, making sure the pink gloss extended all the way to the edges of my fake smile. “Okay Kat. I’m ready, how about you?”
“Of course. Are you all better now?”
“For sure.” We linked arms, and I put on my best happy face and went out to find James. My nose was a bit pink, but thanks to Kat’s make-up magic, I didn’t look as if I’d been bawling like a baby.
I have memories of that night – snapshots in my mind. Kat with her arms looped around Nolan’s neck with her chin resting on his shoulder. James laughing with a dab of whipped cream on his nose. The soft pink light illuminating my friends faces as they glided in endless circles on the rink, but I felt removed from them and the fun they were having, the laughs they were sharing. I carefully navigated each second, my moves and actions so deliberately careful. In some far-off world my feet skated over the same ridges on the ice as everyone else, and I laughed and giggled and embodied the unhindered joy of being a teenager on Valentine’s Day. But in reality, I was stuck in a whirling storm of my fears barely clinging to my facade.
When we exited the ice to return our skates, I snapped back to the present. James’ skates were already off and he was on his knees untying mine when I suddenly became uncomfortably aware of the situation. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“Helping you with your skates, I figured your hands were cold.” He nodded toward my hands still clenched in my mittens.
“Oh, no I’m sorry. I was day dreaming. I’m tired.” I slid the mittens off of my hands and reached down. My hand brushed James’. He gently slipped his hand over mine and looked up at me.
“Thanks again for inviting me.”
“You’re welcome.” I smiled. “Thanks for treating.” I looked into his eyes, his melted chocolate eyes with golden highlights. For a moment everything slowed down and my mind gathered another snapshot. I finished unlacing my skates and was straightening my sock when I noticed the back of it was plastered to my heel. I peeled back the cuff and saw an open blister. I couldn’t turn in my skates like this. I looked at the inside of the offending skate and couldn’t see a thing, but there had to be blood on it. There must be because the blood had soaked through my sock.
My stomach plummeted immediately. I needed to clean the skate without anyone seeing me. I turned to James, “Hey, can you go see if Kat and everyone else headed in?”
“Sure” he said, and headed in that direction. My socks stuck to the damp rubber floor as I jogged back to the bathroom with the skates slung over my shoulder. Luckily, no one was inside. I quickly squirted soap from the dispenser into the palm of my hand; it was the bubble gum pink kind. I lathered it up adding a few drops of water. I vigorously rubbed the soap into the leather. The door swung open, in walked a mom and her twin daughters. I tucked the skate under my arm and pretended to be washing my hands. They filed into stalls, and I went quickly back to the skate. I rinsed it and squeezed as much water out of the leather as possible. I headed back to the skate return, and the group was waiting there all in their street shoes.
“There you are!” Kat shouted out. “Come on!”
“Just a sec, Kat. I gotta get my shoes.” For the first time everyone’s eyes traveled down and stared at my wet socks.
“What were you thinking?” Kat asked.
“Well,” I said faking a smile and stalling, “If you must know, there was a bit of a line at the skate return counter, and I needed to use the facility. So…I chose wet socks over wet pants.”
Everyone burst into laughter, and my faux pas was cheerily forgiven. I handed my skates over the counter, slipped on my shoes and jogged over to join the group. We walked through the dark, the city lights our stars. James slipped his arm around my back, wrapping his fingers around my hipbone. The butterflies returned, and I snuggled into his side. As we reached the parking garage, Nolan spoke up, “Hey look up there!” Our eyes traveled in the direction of his hand, and we giggled and sighed like the high school girls we are. The tallest office building had all of its lights off except in the center windows toward the top. The rooms with lights formed an eight story heart out of windows. It made me momentarily happy to see that even the corporate world had a holiday spirit.
The ride home was quiet. We were tired, and the magic of the holiday was already fading fast; several conversations about school were in full swing. My head felt so heavy; I closed my eyes and tried to not entertain the thoughts in my mind. I didn’t want to waste any more energy thinking about the fictional dog that I hit or the not-so-bloody skate situation. It was irrational, but I was worried that if someone else wore the skate and they got a blister that they could get sick from me.
But sick from what? I certainly don’t “have” anything. My brow must have been all wrinkled up with worry because suddenly I felt a hand on my far shoulder.
“Are you all right?” James whispered softly. He looked at me intently with a worried expression. His eyes made my heart hurt worse.
“I’m fine. My head just hurts a little.” I lied.
“Here.” James reached over and guided my head to his shoulder. He put his arm around me and rubbed my temple softly with his thumb. I felt like bawling; James was being so sweet and sensitive, but I was so stuck on my worries that I couldn’t even enjoy it. All I wanted was to know for certain that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I wasn’t going to cause anyone harm.
By the time we got back to Kat’s all I wanted to do was drive up Maple one more time; see that the world was not destroyed by me, go home and crawl under my covers where everything would be safe. I paused before climbing out of the back seat – I inhaled deeply - taking a mental photo of James’ cologne, the roughness of his sweater and the heavy warmth of his arm around my shoulder. I opened my eyes and climbed toward the door. James stood there with his hand outstretched to me. I took it with a smile and stepped out of the car. “What a gentleman,” I complimented.
“Always…my father taught me well.” He grinned, and his dimples melted away my fears. I turned to walk toward my car, and he fell into step next to me, slipping his hand over mine. Kat was on the front step hugging Nolan goodnight. James put his hands on my shoulders and turned me toward him.
“Thanks again Ames; this has been my best Valentine’s Day yet.” He moved his hands so they were gently cupping my elbows. The street light’s glow illuminated the few snowflakes that were drifting slowly through the night, breaking up the otherwise uninterrupted blackness.
“Thanks, it was my best too,” I said feeling shy. He leaned forward and gave me a tight hug. He was so warm and strong, and I felt safe. Unwrapping his arms, he tilted his head down until our foreheads were barely touching. I’d never noticed how long and thick his eyelashes were before. Leaning in just inches further, my heart jumped as he cupped my
chin in his hand. I tilted my head up, and he brushed his lips softly against mine.
“Goodnight Ames.”
“Goodnight,” I said softly. He looped my mittened hand around his elbow and walked me to the old Ford. After he closed my door, I turned the ignition and warmed up the car. I watched him walk down the drive to his car, and I waved as he drove off. He flashed his lights on and off.
Momentarily none of my worries were real. I replayed different parts of the evening in my head, and by the time I got home, all I could think was, “I got kissed on Valentine’s Day.”
Sleep, however, was not as kind to me. I slept fitfully and awoke with sudden pangs of anxiety. It was 2 a.m., and all I could think about was my drive home from Kat’s. I couldn’t remember it at all. I knew it must have gone fine but my lack of memory of the drive caused my heart to race.
I never fell back asleep.
Chapter Eleven
Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.
~ Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
Exhausted, I trudged up the steps onto the bus. I knew Kat would be bubbly this morning, but my thoughts were jumbled at best. In a way, I was disappointed that Valentine’s Day was over. After days of getting excited, I almost felt like a kid the day after Christmas - like one that got everything they asked for, but somehow felt let down anyway. Perhaps by the end of anticipation. Of course I was ecstatic that James had kissed me, and I was curious to see how life at school would change for us. Honestly, I wanted to be his girlfriend, but I didn’t want anything to change in our artistic relationship. I valued his honest feedback on my paintings. And anyway, I found myself musing; maybe he’s not even interested in having a girlfriend.
“Earth to Ames?” Kat stared at me, waving her hand in-front of my admittedly zoned-out face.
I plopped into my seat and turned to face an absolutely glowing Kat. There was no doubt in my mind how she felt this morning.
OC Me Page 6