“I hate watching the news. It’s so miserable,” Ali spoke quietly beside me.
“Life is pretty miserable.”
She shook her head, then tilted it to one side. “No. You’re just down about all the bad stuff. Something good will come along and take its place.”
I smiled at the sound of someone knocking on the front door. “There’s something good.”
Ali rolled her eyes as I stood, stepping over her outstretched legs and walking to the door.
Six foot of sour-looking teenager greeted me. “Pizza delivery.”
“Sure. What do I owe you?”
“It’s been paid for.” His tone screamed how do you not know this?
“I paid over the phone,” Ali called out.
Smiling sweetly, I took the boxes one by one from him. Two pizzas, garlic bread, and fries.
“Thank you.” I tried to say the words with enthusiasm to the frowning boy.
He nodded and turned away.
I closed the door and laughed, shaking my head. “I hope I wasn’t like that as a teenager.”
“Like what?”
“Miserable.”
“You’re like that as an adult. I don’t even want to think about what you were like as a teenager.” Will poked his head out of the kitchen, and I threw a fry at him.
“Have you fixed the dishwasher yet?” Ali asked.
“Nearly.”
“No pizza until you do.” She chuckled. I dropped the boxes on the coffee table and resumed my position on the couch beside her.
“This is awesome, Ali. Thanks so much. I was happy to pay for it.”
It smelled so good as I opened the lid of the box, the scent of cheese and pepperoni filling the room. I picked up a slice, taking a deep breath as I leaned back.
“Don’t even worry about it. What about Connor? What’s he doing now?”
I took a big bite, chewing slowly to delay answering, but I knew she wasn’t going to let it go from the way she kept her eyes on me as she picked up her own slice of pizza.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Have you thought about calling him?” Her light blue eyes bored a hole through me. It felt like an Ella interrogation.
“Of course I have.”
“So why don’t you?”
My mouth went dry, and I shrugged instead of giving Ali an answer.
“Sorted. That dishwasher’s getting on a bit, but it just needed a bit of love. The switch that tells the dishwasher the door’s shut was out of whack. I’ve fixed it. Your kitchen will smell clean soon.”
I clapped and smiled as he rolled his eyes. “Thank you. I was beginning to think I’d have to abandon the house or burn it down.”
Will grabbed a piece of pizza and sat on a nearby recliner, beckoning Ali for a kiss and distracting her from the conversation. The last thing I could tell her was that I couldn’t face calling Connor, couldn’t work out how to mend the bridge I’d burned. I’d hurt Connor, but would I hurt him more if we tried again?
The pain and disappointment in his eyes had been burned into my brain. The way he’d looked at me haunted me; I might as well have stabbed him in the heart. For all intents and purposes, I had.
I couldn’t hurt him again.
Instead, I laughed my way through an evening with my new best friends, eating pizza, and drinking cans of cola I’d had sitting in the fridge for I didn’t know how long.
Bite by delicious bite, we demolished the food before settling down to find a movie.
“Is that your bag ringing?” Ali asked.
I turned from the television to locate my bag, sitting on the floor not far from the couch. It was faint, but I heard a familiar tone that brought a smile to my lips. Jacinda, Connor’s sister, and I had bonded almost instantly. I hadn’t heard from any of his family since Connor and I split, but then I didn’t expect to. They might have taken me into their hearts, but they were all very loyal, just as my family were. Their silence was something I understood.
Now, the Jem and the Holograms theme tune was playing. It was a call sign we both had on our phones, having spent a weekend bonding over 80s cartoons.
I leaned over and fished my phone out of my bag, pressing the answer button without another thought. “Jacinda.”
“Hey, Vanessa. I just wanted to call and see if you were coming to my wedding.”
Crap. Jacinda had been planning this for months. Connor and I hadn’t received a formal invitation being close family, but now I wasn’t part of that group.
“To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about it.”
“Don’t let your breakup with Connor get in the way. He’s a big boy. I want all the people I love there, and just because you and my brother aren’t getting along, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
How could I refuse? It might be a little awkward, but I could tuck myself down the back somewhere where the family wouldn’t notice me. I’d helped her spend hours poring over bridal magazines choosing a gown, picking out flowers, looking at decorations for the reception. The whole “big wedding” thing wasn’t my cup of tea, but I’d happily helped a friend make those choices.
“Of course I will.”
Silence for a moment told me she had something else to say or ask. Get this over with.
“Did you want to bring someone? That would be totally okay. Connor’s got this girl from work who he’s been seeing and …” The words came tumbling out of her mouth in a whirlwind of sound that took me a second to catch. Before I could stop them, tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of him being with anyone else. Of course he was. He was a sweet, gentle, gorgeous man who had been hurt by the woman who had always claimed to love him.
“I don’t think so. I don’t really have …”
“Okay, then. I’ll make sure you have a seat at the reception. I’m so glad you’ll be joining us.” The relief was plain in her voice. Having one of us taking a partner would be uncomfortable enough.
As I finished the conversation and hung up the phone, I stared at it. To have her still want me at her wedding meant so much. I’d thought all ties would be cut. I might not be the family’s favourite person, but maybe this was a chance to say goodbye.
I’d grown so close to them in the time I’d known them. Connor’s older brother, Kieran had a little girl, Molly, a little older than Finn. Molly and I had been great friends, and I’d always intended to introduce her to Ella’s children at some point. I’d pushed all those thoughts to the back of my mind, but I missed her, and the rest of the family.
“Vanessa?” Ali’s voice broke into my thoughts, the concern in her eyes clear.
“Connor’s sister just called to see if I’m still going to her wedding.”
“Awkward.” Will said.
“Are you going?” Ali leaned forward.
“I said yes. I mean, I helped her pick the dress and everything. I can always tuck myself at the back of the church where no one will notice me.”
She laughed. “They’ll notice you.”
“I find your lack of confidence in my stealth abilities disturbing.” I tried so hard to keep a straight face, but the pair of us giggled as Will rolled his eyes at our laughter.
“I will never know what possessed me to introduce you two.”
Ali stood and leaned over him, burying her face in his hair. “Go on, you love it. Where else would you find two women like us to keep you entertained?”
He smirked. “Do you really want me to answer that?”
She squealed as he pulled her down onto his lap, kissing her so tenderly I couldn’t bring myself to look away. That was what I missed—the sweet intimacy of a relationship.
“Maybe it’s time to find someone new to fix your dishwasher,” Ali said with a wink.
Will let Ali go, flapping his arms like a wild bird. “What am I?”
“I wasn’t talking about that dishwasher,” she replied.
His agonised expression made me laugh harder as he shifted a look between us. “I
s this some girl thing?”
I loved these two. Whatever happened, they’d be with me for good, and while the circumstances of our becoming friends had been the saddest part of my life, they never failed to make me think, make me laugh.
At least I had them.
Chapter 7
I wasn’t one for staff gossip, but that was before Dylan West started at the hospital.
Admittedly, he was one of the best-looking guys I’d ever seen, and exactly my type. I was still so up and down about Connor, and didn’t get as excited about his arrival as some of the other staff members, but I had to admit, he was nice to look at.
He worked out every morning. I knew this because I’d see him coming from the gym, passing me in the hallway on his way to get changed for work.
Closely cropped dark hair framed his oval face, with aqua eyes that smiled at you and made you smile, even when you didn’t want to.
Not bad.
We’d passed one another in the corridor nearly every morning for three weeks when randomly, one day he stopped.
“Doctor Brown.”
I nodded. “That’s right. Vanessa.”
“Dylan West. I asked some of the nurses what your name was.”
I laughed. “It’s on the roster, along with everyone else’s.”
He leaned forward. Sweat still glistened on his neck from his workout, but he didn’t stink. He smelled all manly, and I’d missed that scent. Connor could be a clean freak and always smelled of deodorant or aftershave.
I have to stop thinking about him.
“I just had to know your name.”
Wait a minute.
“Seriously? That sounds a bit corny.”
He grinned, showing off his straight, white teeth. This guy was perfect. “You think it’s corny?”
“You just had to know my name? I do wear a name badge.”
Doctor Perfect licked his lips. “It might seem a bit pervy if I stared at your name badge.”
“I think this whole thing is pretty pervy anyway.”
He laughed. “I wanted to know your name because you, Doctor Vanessa Brown, are spectacular.”
My mouth fell open as he walked away. That had to be the corniest line ever. But after everything I’d been through, after coming to terms with starting my life again, even a seedy compliment stopped me in my tracks.
I’d never thought of myself as being attractive. In our family, Ella was the one with the looks. She got the dark curls and the big blue eyes. I got straw-coloured hair and hazel eyes that were every colour, but no colour.
Somehow, I still found people who liked me that way. When we dated, Liam told me I was pretty, a far cry from when we were children and he’d pull my plaits.
I used to wear my hair in plaits just for him.
Connor used to tell me I was beautiful. When I was with him, I combed my hair out and finally felt like I’d grown up.
Now I had someone tell me I was spectacular, and despite my never usually turning my head to such things, that word left me standing in the corridor staring after him.
Shaking it off, I set out on my ward rounds. Except I couldn’t quite shake it.
I picked at my food at lunchtime.
“What’s up with you?” Will asked.
“Someone flirted with me this morning.”
He smirked. “Was it that Mr Snow in ward nine with prostate problems? He likes talking to you much more than me.”
I laughed. “No. It was one of the new doctors.”
His eyes narrowed. “Which one?”
“Does it matter?” I laughed, but his protectiveness was appreciated. In the weeks since Connor left, he and Ali had been there for me when I needed them, coming around to watch movies with me, having a quiet drink after work. They didn’t fill the gap his absence left, but they kept me company. “Are you jealous?”
He grinned. “Ali would kill me if you got together with the wrong guy right under my nose.”
“How will you know if it’s the wrong guy?”
Will shrugged, returning to his food. “We’re both just looking out for you.”
His words and the sentiment behind them made me smile. “I appreciate it. But I also need to move forward, maybe make a mistake or two.”
He frowned. “Surely the idea is to avoid mistakes.”
I placed my fork on the edge of my plate. “All I know is that I have to leave the past behind. I can’t look back. It’s too hard.”
“How boring would life be if everything was easy?”
I stared at him for a moment. He was right. I was taking the easy way out when there were so many things to resolve. I’d shut Connor down, wouldn’t go to counselling. While I could tell people about my miscarriage now, I couldn’t go into detail. I locked it all away inside where no one would find it. It ate at me every single day, and I dug my heels in to stop it.
“Vanessa?” One of Will’s eyebrows had crept up a little as he stared at me. I didn’t want to talk about the past.
“It’s that new doctor. Dylan West.”
Will frowned. “I don’t know him.”
“He’s been here a few weeks. All the female staff are talking about him.” I smiled. “I think he’s knocked you off your pedestal.”
Will pointed his fork at me, jabbing in the air. “You can stop that talk right now, Brown.”
Laughing, I picked up my cutlery again, scooping up some mashed potato. “Awww, is Doctor Clay feeling unloved?”
“Hospital hunk is my role, no one else’s.”
“Whatever you say.”
At the end of my shift I left the hospital, only to find Doctor Dylan West at the back door.
“I was hoping you finished at the same time as me,” he said, matching my pace as I walked toward my car.
“It’s been a long day. I’m going home.”
“Come for a drink?”
I hesitated. It was tempting. A good-looking man wanting to spend time with me. At least we had some common interests, both being doctors. But it was late, and I really wanted to get home and put my feet up.
“I don’t know. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.”
“Come for a drink tomorrow, then.”
I unlocked the car and opened the driver’s door. “Maybe. We’ll see how tired I am when I’ve finished my shift.”
“I’ll look forward to it.”
“You’re very forward.”
He shrugged, slipping his hands into his jean pockets. “Don’t get what you want unless you try. Catch you tomorrow, Doctor Brown.”
I kept my eyes on him as he walked away, uncertainty burning in my chest. I’d never been pursued. Connor and I had met at university and been attracted to each other straight away. We went from nothing to being inseparable, all our feelings mutual.
It wasn’t like me to be unsure. Things were usually pretty black and white, but this? This felt so weird. To have someone new interested in me for the first time in forever, and be single to act on it, was the strangest feeling in the universe.
To go out with him would take me way out of my comfort zone, my previous relationship being like an old pair of slippers that I’d worn in to make all soft and comfortable.
As exciting as this was, it scared the crap out of me.
Chapter 8
It had to happen at some point.
The following day was long, and I was working once again in the Accident and Emergency department. This was the coalface for the interns; you could get almost anything to treat here. It was also the easiest place to pick up an extra shift if you needed it. Some evenings I got to work in the Children’s department with quiet exam rooms, taking referrals from their family doctors. Other nights, like tonight, I was right in the thick of it, dealing with sometimes bleeding, often very stressed adults. This was the part of the job I thrived on, thinking on my feet as we got the patients in and out as quickly as possible. Preferably in one piece.
This next patient was different. This was one that I knew
was coming and I was terrified of.
Suspected miscarriage.
“Vanessa, you okay?” Will walked toward me, and I looked up, nodding and smiling.
“I’m fine.”
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I let out a sigh, still smiling because if I stopped I’d never start again, and I had a patient to take care of. “Last patient before I go home. My feet are killing me.”
“Don’t want to go out for a drink after, then?”
“It’s tempting, but a soak in the bath and a good sleep have even more appeal. No offence.”
He grinned. “None taken.”
I walked through to the cubicle where the patient sat on the bed. I knew that look in her eyes, the look of complete and utter helplessness as the life inside her might just be ebbing away.
“Hi, Shannon, I’m Doctor Brown. Tell me what’s going on?”
And so it began, the listening closely to her symptoms, focusing on the patient, pushing back any personal feelings I had about it. Inside, my heart beat so fast, I thought it might escape. I had to hold it together; this woman wouldn’t be the only person I’d ever treat going through this.
“What we’ll do is a quick exam. I’ll just give radiology a call and get you an ultrasound.”
Shannon nodded, her brown eyes filled with concern and tears, her partner hovering over her just as Connor had done for me.
I left the room, heading straight for the nurse’s desk. Will stood there, filling out paperwork for one of his patients while I leaned over the counter. “Can I please ask you to give Radiology a call and organise a pregnancy ultrasound for my patient? It’s urgent.” I handed Shannon’s file to the nurse and turned.
A hand gripped my arm. “What’s going on?”
“I have to get back to my patient. She might be miscarrying.”
Will squeezed my elbow. “Should you be handling this?”
“I’ll be fine. Gotta deal with one sooner or later.”
I was grateful for him caring, not so grateful for the nurse across the room staring at me with one eyebrow significantly higher than the other. Great. More hospital gossip was all I needed.
Giving him a reassuring smile, I nodded. “I’ve got this.”
He let go. “I can take over if you need me to.”
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