“I’m going out for a beer tonight before dinner. Want to tag along?” He pulled on his T-shirt.
“Sounds good. Does Ella let you out by yourself?”
He laughed. “I think she’ll be okay for an hour while we have a drink. She’s not so keen on the pub since she got pregnant.”
“That’d be right. Probably already nesting if I know her.”
He grinned. “That’s my Ella.”
“Ugh. You two make me so sick with your lovey-dovey crap.”
Matt walked past me, shaking his head. “You’re never happy, Squirt.”
I watched him as he reached the house and opened the door to go in.
I had been happy once. I just needed to work out how to get back there again.
WE SET off down the driveway in Matt’s car. It bounced a bit as we drove across the gravel and out onto the road. The pub was only a five-minute drive away, and hadn’t changed in all the years that I’d lived at the farm.
The big old wooden building was still the crumbling old place it always had. Inside was warm and cosy, the exterior hiding just how welcoming this place really was.
“Vanessa.” I’d gone to school with Rachel, who now worked the bar.
“Hey Rach. Two Heinekens, please.”
“This was my shout,” Matt said, nudging my arm. “Hi, Rachel.”
“You can buy next time.” I leaned against him.
“Here you go.” Rachel smiled, glancing between Matt and I. “Ella okay?”
“Ella’s cooking dinner. It’s been a long day, so I thought I’d shoot up and grab a beer before we sit down to eat.”
Rachel nodded, and I held back an eye roll. This place was gossip central. Ella might be my sister, but me being here alone with Matt was potential fodder.
She reached into the cabinet for the bottles, flicking the caps off and placing them on the bar. I handed her my card to pay.
“Go find a table.” I turned to Matt.
“Yes, boss.” Matt laughed, walking the short distance to a small table nearby.
“I hope Ella’s okay. Those two are usually joined at the hip,” Rachel said, handing me the machine to key in the pin.
“She’s fine—just didn’t feel like going out. Kinda nice, to be honest. I don’t have to deal with their soppy crap.”
Rachel laughed, handing me back my card.
I grabbed the bottles and followed Matt to the table. “You should thank me. I just sorted out that gossip.”
He frowned. “What are you talking about?”
I rolled my eyes. “Hunk like you, young innocent girl like me. People might talk.”
“Not if they know me, they won’t.” He grinned.
“You gonna tell me what’s going on?” he asked, taking a swig of his beer.
“I thought you said it was up to me to decide whether or not to tell you.”
Matt laughed. “That was at home. Ella would kill me if she thought I was giving you a hard time. Given that you turned up with Sam, I knew it had to be something serious.”
I nodded. “I screwed up. Big time.”
He studied me closely. “You didn’t sleep with Sam, did you?”
I sprayed beer all over the table, coughing as I shook my head violently. “Good grief, Matt. Who do you think I am?”
“I’ll take that as a no, then?” His grin was full of mischief, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’ve done some dumb things in my life, but that’ll never be one of them. Dick.” I shoved his arm.
“And here you were trying to stop people from gossiping.” He took another sip of his beer. “So what did you do?”
“I met a guy. He liked me, really liked me. I liked him too. I tried to move on, Matt, and he just dragged me down.” I met his gaze. “He turned out to be married.”
Matt’s face fell. “Oh, shit.”
“He didn’t tell me. I found out when I came face-to-face with his wife and daughter.”
Matt’s mouth fell open. “He had a kid too? That is beyond shitty.”
“I just feel like an idiot.”
Matt frowned, his brows knitting in annoyance. “You’re not the idiot. Heaven help him if I ever get hold of him.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, rubbing the top of my head. “Ella said the same thing. You two can fight over his bloated corpse when they dredge it out of the harbour.” I sighed. “I just wanted to move on.”
“And now?”
Shrugging, I looked down at my bottle and took a sip of beer. “What I really want is Connor.” I looked back up. “Are you sure you don’t have a hidden brother? Maybe there’s some way we can clone you?”
Matt’s lips curled into a smile. “Afraid not. There’s only one me, and I belong to your sister.”
“I know. Figured it was worth a try.”
“You’ll work it out. Good things come to good people. And you’re one of the best.”
I laughed. “Thanks, Bro.”
“Do you want me to give Connor a call? I still have his number in my phone.”
The thought was tempting, but I had to steel myself for the possibility of rejection, and I needed to talk to him in person. Not via text or Matt.
“No thanks. I’ll contact him when I know what to say.”
I glanced around the crowded room. So many familiar faces, and as my gaze hit the door, I locked sights with Liam. “Crap.”
“What?” Matt asked.
“Liam’s here.”
Matt laughed. “We won’t be for long. Give him a break.”
I let out a sigh. “He’s fine. It just seems weird talking to him. Even after all this time.”
Liam went to the bar, and I smirked as Rachel’s skin tone changed to a vibrant red. What was that about? He turned, heading straight for our table.
“Liam,” Matt said brightly.
I shot him a ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ look, and he grinned as Liam took a seat.
“Hey Matt, Vanessa,” Liam said.
“Hi.” I didn’t want to be rude to him, but it irritated me that my limited time with one of my best friends had now been intruded upon.
“How’s it going?” He smiled at me.
“Fine. What’s the deal with you and Rachel?” I couldn’t help it, needing to deflect the attention from me. Besides, my curiosity was stirred now.
“What do you mean?”
“She’s kinda fire-truck-coloured. Was as soon as you spoke to her.”
He frowned. “I didn’t notice.”
“It’s right under your nose.” I laughed, and Matt shook his head.
“Leave him alone, Ness,” he said.
“I never noticed. She always seems polite. Never used to be that way in school.”
“Maybe you should go and talk to her.”
My irritation grew as he shook his head. “I reckon you’re seeing things.”
I shifted my gaze to Matt. “What are you laughing at?”
“Your attempts to match-make.”
“Worked on you.”
His smile grew. I claimed full responsibility for him and Ella ending up together. They would have got there in the end, but I had been the one to push from both sides.
“It worked very well. Maybe you should listen to her, Liam.”
Uncertainty crossed Liam’s face, and he turned his head, seeming unsure which one of us to look at. His gaze shifted to Rachel, and as I followed his line of sight, I smiled when she blushed again.
“She so likes you.”
“Maybe.” His gruff response told me I’d struck a nerve.
“I’ll just go to the bathroom and we’ll get out of here.” Matt stood as I threw a glare at him, and when he reached the doors to the toilets, he turned and shrugged.
“At least he’s stopped that uncomfortable conversation.” Liam grinned and shook his head. “It’s been nice to catch up anyway, Vanessa. Hope things are going better for you these days.”
“Thanks, Liam. I appreciate it.”
He leaned toward me. “You know, when you left here, I always thought you might come back and we’d get together again. But you and Connor have seemed tight forever, and then when you broke up I thought …”
“I thought I was ready for something else, but I’m not.” I couldn’t give him false hope.
He nodded. “I get that. I’ve been offered a job in Dargaville. Full-time.”
“Wow. That’s a bit of a distance from here.”
“I’d have to move. I’m not commuting three hours each day.” He grinned.
“Does Dad know?”
He swallowed, looking down at his beer, his guilty expression giving the answer away. “I haven’t decided what to do yet. He’s been so good to me.” He looked up, fixing that brown-eyed gaze on mine.
“Dad’ll understand.”
“I know he will. I’m sure he’ll find someone else to help out.”
I smiled at the boy I’d once loved. Liam would make someone a good husband one day. He’d love and care for her, treasure and nurture the relationship, give her everything she could ever wish for. That someone wouldn’t be me. Maybe I’d pointed him in the right direction.
“I think he’ll be proud of you moving on and up in the world.”
“It’s got prospects. No disrespect to Matt, he works hard too, but once he and Ella came back there was no chance of me working full-time for your dad.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing. Made you think about the future.”
He nodded. “Maybe.” He took a swig from his beer. “I used to think that if I hung around, you might just decide you wanted to stay here, but that’s never going to happen, is it?”
I shook my head.
Liam laughed. “Didn’t think so. You always dreamed bigger than the farm.”
“Funnily enough, I appreciate the farm more than ever. It’s nice to escape sometimes.”
Matt reappeared, approaching the table and lifting his chin toward Liam. “Sorry to abandon you, but I’m going to have to get this one home for dinner.”
Liam nodded. “It was good to see you, Vanessa.”
“You too. Good luck with everything.”
I followed Matt out to the car, feeling strangely like I had complete closure with Liam, as if that one little conversation had resolved anything outstanding we’d ever had between us.
“He wasn’t being a pain in the arse, was he?” Matt asked as we climbed into the car.
“No, he was fine. We just had a chat.”
“Are you going to go and talk to your mother? I’m picking they know you’re here by now.”
I shrugged as he started the engine and drove out into the street. “I guess I’d better.”
“Is there anything else you need from us? I’m happy to come down and have a little chat with this dickhead.”
Smiling, I shook my head. “I’ll get through it. To be honest, Sam really helped. Whoever thought I’d go to him for advice?”
“He’s not that bad. I think he’s grown up a lot during the last couple of years.”
“I think you’re all awesome for working through it for Finn.”
Matt changed gear as we approached the turn-off for his home. “It’s easy when it comes to him. We all just want the best for him, and the only way to do that is for us all to pull together.” He flicked a glance at me. “I worry about Ella sometimes. She gets so tense when Sam’s around, but she hides it well.”
“I don’t think Sam would do anything to hurt any of you.”
He laughed. “I think it’s hilarious that you’ve just become his biggest defender.”
“Times change.” I looked out the window as we slowed down, rolling toward the house along the gravel driveway.
Matt pulled up outside the house and I got out, closing the door.
“Thanks, Matt.”
“Any time you need anything, just let us know. That’s what we’re here for.”
“Right now, what I’d really like is whatever Ella’s cooking. It smells amazing from here. Then I might go and face Mum and spend the night over there.”
He laughed. “Come on, then.”
AFTER DINNER, I set off for Mum and Dad’s place. My stomach churned at the thought of facing Mum. I hadn’t even thought she might see me when I’d taken the towel out for Matt. The kids had promised not to, but they’d probably told her. She’d know something was up with the absence of my car.
I stepped in the back door into darkness. From the living room came the sound of the television, and I poked my head around the corner to find my mother sitting by herself.
“Hey, Mum.”
“Vanessa.” She smiled, but there was some reserve in her expression.
“Where’s Dad?”
“He’s having a bath. Are you here for the night, or are you staying with Ella?”
“Here for the night if you can put up with me.”
She stood. “Want a cup of tea?”
“I’d love one.”
I hated tea, and she knew it. But she liked it, and I’d just go along with the ride rather than stir her up any further. As she passed me, she flicked on the light, and I turned to watch as she filled the kettle and put the water on to boil.
“How long have you been here?”
“I got here yesterday. Had some things I needed to talk to Ella about.”
Mum nodded, reaching for mugs from the cupboard. I took a seat at the dining room table while I waited. This place would always be the place I’d grown up, but right now, it felt less like home than anywhere else.
Adding teabags to the teapot, Mum filled it with freshly boiled water and carried it over to the table with the cups, placing them beside the sugar bowl already on the table. She sat down, turning her seat to face me while we waited a little for the tea to draw.
“I’m disappointed you didn’t come to me. I know how close you and Ella are, but you’ve been here a whole night and day, and now you come over?”
How could I ever get her to understand? “I didn’t mean to upset you, Mum. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
Her eyes pleaded with me. “Why? What did you do?”
Exasperated, I ran my fingers through my scalp. “Why do you always think the worst?”
“I don’t. But it hurts you went to Ella before me.”
For a moment, I said nothing, watching as she spooned sugar into the two mugs and picked up the teapot. I loved my mother, but there was something not quite right between us—there always had been.
“Don’t worry about it, Mum. It’s not like you ever wanted me, so why would I tell you everything?”
Mum stopped, placing the teapot back onto the table. “What did you say?”
“You know, that story you all tell about how my birth brought the family back together. The unwanted child that made Dad heal the wounds with his rich father.”
Mum had tears in her eyes, and my stomach twisted at her agonised expression.
“You were never unwanted. Not for a second. It’s true your father and I thought we had our lives planned out, but sometimes the unexpected things in life are the most wonderful. From the moment I realised I was pregnant with you, I wanted you desperately. I had eight years of watching Ella grow up by herself, feeling that she needed more. That I needed more.” Mum grasped my chin, tilting my face up. “I love you, and I’m so proud of you. My daughter, the doctor.”
Pride swelled in my chest before my sad feelings dropped back in. “I’ve screwed everything up, Mum.”
She shook her head. “No, you’re living your life and making mistakes. Everyone does it.”
All this time, I’d thought the worst of her, and that had been reflected in my up and down relationship with Mum.
“I didn’t come straight to you because I thought you’d judge me,” I whispered.
“I’m so sorry you ever felt that way, Vanessa. I never ever meant to make you feel unwanted. My heart is so broken for everything you’ve gone through. I’d do anything to take your
pain away.”
I closed my eyes, letting her comfort me, drawing on her strength because I had so little. I couldn’t let this beat me, couldn’t give up the fight. I’d hit rock bottom—now I had to choose between going back to wallowing, or emerging as the victor on the other side.
Healing things with Mum was a start; she hadn’t even seemed to realise there was anything to fix between us. For me, our short conversation resolved the resentment I’d had in the past.
I’d make her proud and fixed what I had broken. After the weekend, I’d go home and prepare myself for the next step, which could be the hardest one of all.
Speaking with Connor.
Chapter 16
Before returning to work, there was one more thing I had to do. My next counselling appointment was on the Thursday morning of my holiday, and now I had even more to talk about.
Matt had dropped me home on Tuesday. I’d stayed an extra night with Mum and Dad. All it took was one brief conversation to change my relationship with Mum. We were now closer than ever.
Dad had just smiled as he watched us together. I was sure it’d make his life easier, no longer having to feel like he was in the middle. Maybe it wouldn’t be the only relationship I could heal.
I’d picked up the phone a few times in the past few days, only to put it down again. Will and Ali had both tried to call me, but I couldn’t face talking to them yet. To my surprise there were missed calls from Dylan too. Like I was ever going to go there again.
I found myself in Julia’s waiting room though. She was someone I was happy to talk to. Her neutrality had really helped before.
“Vanessa.” She greeted me warmly as she appeared from her office, and I stood, following her back in. “Take a seat. It’s good to see you back here.”
Confused, I sat on the couch. “I made the appointment last time I was here.”
She sat opposite. “Often, I get patients who come once and say they’ll be back but don’t follow through.”
I licked my lips. “I think I need a second session maybe more than the first.”
“Oh?”
“My life got a little more … complex this past week.”
I think I loved this woman. The way her expression didn’t change at all, and she nodded as if prompting me to say more without judgement. Maybe that’s why I felt so comfortable here.
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