by Ira Nayman
CORNIFFEROUS: (weak) I’m begging you…
BLUNT: I’m sorry. Do you think the way I’m conducting this interview is…wrong-HEADed?
CORNIFFEROUS: (sobbing) Okay. Alright. Enough. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, just…just stop!
BLUNT: Finally, some HEADway!
CORNIFFEROUS: (screaming) Aaaaaaargh!
4. When Your Computer ‘Lost’ The File You Had Been Working on for Months, Who Did You Think You Were Praying to to Get it Back?
Bertrand Blailock, Bao Bai-Leung and ePik Flayel(Gigi) walked through the streets of Sparkling City as Cossakian(ePik Flayel) capered (which, just to be clear, has nothing to do with the least loved pizza topping this side of anchovies) around them. After a couple of minutes of silence, Bao Bai-Leung said, “Digital gods? Really?”
“As real as My Little Pony,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) told him, “except without the need for industrial-strength poop bags.”
“Are you Catholic?” ePik Flayel(Gigi) asked.
“I don’t see what my religion has to do with anything,” Bao Bai-Leung defensively answered.
“When confronted with the reality of digital gods, Catholics often respond with that hostile tone,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) explained. “Catholics and, for some reason, Baha’is.”
“I sometimes break out in Baha’is,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) interjected. “Fortunately, I have a cream that makes the itching go away.”
ePik Flayel(Gigi) moaned. Then, he(she) punched Cossakian(ePik Flayel) in the shoulder. Hard. “Oww!” he(he) yelped. “What was that for?”
“That was because Arrundel, in his infinite wisdom, did not give me the power to smite,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) told him(him).
“It just seems to me that we already have the god we need,” Bao Bai-Leung continued his argument. “Why do we need digital gods?”
ePik Flayel(Gigi) shrugged. “Every set of new circumstances under which people live requires a new understanding of the world,” he(she) explained. “When this cannot be accommodated by the old gods, new –”
“Is that the Goddess Linda?” Bertrand Blailock said, a small amount of drool slowly working its way down his chin. Linda, being, with Hotjax, one of the twin gods of desire, expected nothing less as a tribute to her beauty. That, or the purchase of a small yacht. Desire takes many forms.
“Every culture creates its own pantheon of gods to help its people make sense of the world,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) continued, ignoring the outburst. “For a start, these stories help explain the origins of various aspects of the universe…”
“The universe – and France – were created by code spooling from paper tape out of Arrundel’s head,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) helpfully stated. “It was messy, but, uhh, we don’t talk about who was responsible for cleaning it up.” To drive the point home, he pointed at himself. Several times.
“They help people understand the workings of the natural world…”
“Computers aren’t capriciously evil. Arrundel just has a lot on his mind.”
“Stories of the gods can give comfort to people huddled together around the warm glow of computer screens.”
“The – uhh – because of – err – sorry. I got noth –” Not paying attention to where he was going, Cossakian(ePik Flayel) walked into the side of a glittering building. “Oomph!” he said. (See? The exclamation has a million and one uses!)
“Yes, but –” Bao Bai-Leung started, but realized, along with the one bodily displaced god that still kept up the pace alongside him that Bertrand Blailock had stopped walking several paces behind. They went up to him.
“So beautiful,” Bertrand Blailock mooned.
“Look,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) told him. “I don’t mind the drool – gross as it is – because I understand you can’t help it. But, I want this whole bodily displacement mess sorted out as quickly as possible, and I swear by Arrundel’s Ancient All-consuming Anger, you’re not going to slow us down!”
“Sooooooooooooooo,” Bertrand Blailock began. Before he could get to “beauuuuuuuuuuuu,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) grabbed hold of his arm and started pulling him forward.
“Religions deal in eternal truth,” Bao Bai-Leung insisted as the group moved forward once again. “How can you claim to be a religion when you’re less than a century old?”
“We’ve built in a terrific back story!” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) enthused.
“How do religions start?” ePik Flayel(Gigi) mused. “Somebody tells a story about things that go bump in the night here. Somebody else tells a story about why there is water buffalo in the world there. Eventually, somebody takes all of these individual stories and weaves them into a grand narrative that explains all that is important. In our case, the stories were circulated on discussion boards and in emails instead of around campfires. What are religions for? At its heart, religion is a way of helping mortals cope with their fear of the dark things in the world. In the Middle Ages, it was the Black Death; today, it’s the black screen of death.”
“But –” Bao Bai-Leung started.
“Son,” Bertrand Blailock said, wiping the drool off of his impressively cleft chin, “you gotta know to stop chasing the raccoon when somebody’s about to drop an H-bomb on your trailer park!”
“Was that supposed to be profound?” Bao Bai-Leung asked.
“I thought it was brilliant!” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) gushed.
“I may have to rethink it, then,” Bertrand Blailock muttered.
“Welcome back,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) said to him.
“We’re obviously outside the two block blast radius of Linda’s charms,” Bertrand Blailock replied.
And, not a moment too soon, too, because they arrived at a squat building that ePik Flayel(Gigi) claimed as her home.
“There’s no elevator, so we’ll have to go up a couple of flights of stairs to my loft.” Loft apartment perhaps didn’t mean the same thing in Sparkling City, since gentrification couldn’t really exist in a community of gods which functioned without a cash economy (the word did exist, but it was actually defined as: ‘The act of trying to make a gentleman out of a troll’). Gigi’s apartment was typical in some ways: roomy with long windows giving a view of the unexceptional street below. In other ways, it was uniquely hers: seventeen computer screens were strewn throughout the apartment (including two that blocked the view of the unexceptional street below, although their screensavers were the view of the unexceptional street below, so that worked out); in one corner was a small printing press; a small desk held an inkwell, and, on the floor in the bedroom lay a pair of stone tablets, a hammer and a chisel.
None of this was immediately apparent to the troupe, which started hearing raised voices as they rounded the stairs half a flight from Gigi’s floor. The words ‘hands’, ‘twist’, ‘shout’, ‘Nigerian prince scam, you idiot’ and ‘falsetto’ were prominent. When somebody cried out in pain, ePik Flayel(Gigi) rushed up the remaining stairs, everybody hurriedly following him(her).
He(she) swung the door open, revealing the beautiful Hotjax holding his nose, blood flowing around his fingers. Gigi(?) stood nearby rapidly jiggling her(?) hand to get the sting out of it.
“What did you do that for?” Hotjax hotly asked.
“I told you to stay away from me!” Gigi(?) shouted.
“You weren’t saying that ten minutes ago!”
“Ten minutes ago I wasn’t…myself!”
“Enough!” ePik Flayel(Gigi) shouted. “Cossakian, you son of a glitch, I want my body back!”
“What are you talking about?” Gigi(?) retorted. “I’m Gigi, and I’m in my body!”
“Liar!” ePik Flayel(Gigi) reretorted. “If that wasn’t my body, I’d smack you so hard you could count the sunspots on the stars you’d be seeing!”
“Fortunately, I have no such qualms!” Gigi(?) responded. She(?) raised the hand she(?) had been waving in the air to prepare for a slap, then thought better of it and slapped ePik Flayel(Gigi) with her(?) other hand.
“He
y!” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) yelled. “Be careful with that body! It…doesn’t heal as quickly as it used to when I was younger!”
Bao Bai-Leung stepped between Gigi(?) and ePik Flayel(Gigi). “We have reason to believe that Germaine Cossakian is inhabiting the body of Gigi,” he told Gigi(Cossakian).
“Why would he do that?” Gigi(Cossakian) asked.
“It would be a giggle,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) giggled.
“He is a suspect in illicit transdimensional device traffic for reasons that are still under investigation,” Bao Bai-Leung explained.
“He’s standing right there,” Gigi(Cossakian) stated. “Why don’t you ask him?”
“Can’t tell,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) said, miming zipping his lips, locking them with a key, melting the key to slag and using the melted metal to make the frame of a miniature M16a1 rifle, complete with sniper scope and bayonet. Then, he completely ruined the effect by adding, “It’s a secret.”
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” Bertrand Blailock asked Gigi(Cossakian).
“Yes, I would mind!” she(he) complained. “I have fifty thousand Web page designs to inspire in the next half hour! I really don’t have time for –”
“It won’t take thirty minutes,” Bertrand Blailock assured her(him).
“Unfortunately, I believe you,” Gigi(Cossakian) said. She(he) blinked a couple of times, then looked around the room.
“Wh…where am I?” Gigi(?) asked.
“Who are you?” Bertrand Blailock asked.
“What do you mean?” Gigi(?) asked. “Obviously, I am…” Gigi(?) looked at her(?) hands; the expression on her(?) face made it clear that she(?) wasn’t used to having dark skin. “What…?” Gigi(?) looked for a relatively dark computer screen and sought her(?) image in it. “What’s happening!” she(?) cried, and started howling.
“Come on! It isn’t that bad!” ePik Flayel(Gigi) countered.
“I want my nano! Where is my nano?” Gigi(?) said, and continued bawling.
“She wants her grandmother?” Bao Bai-Leung asked, confused.
“He wants his nanotechnology,” Bertrand Blailock answered. “XerXemanXander?”
“Y…yes?” Gigi(XerXemanXander) sniffed.
“Xerxe?” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) rapped on Gigi(XerXemanXander)’s forehead with the knuckle of his(his) second finger. “You in there, buddy?”
“Buddy?”
“It’s me! ePik!”
“You don’t look like Pikie.”
Cossakian(ePik Flayel) considered making a joke about not being picky, but he didn’t want to confuse the child god of ever smallening technologies. Or, get another clout from Gigi in his body. Ordinarily, neither of these things would have stopped him – a joke is a joke, after all – could being in another’s body have…changed him somehow? “You don’t look like Xerxe, either,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) told her(him).
“How do I know you’re really Pikie?” Gigi(XerXemanXander) asked, wiping her(his) nose with her(his) sleeve.
“Oh, for Arrundel’s sake, use a tissue!” ePik Flayel(Gigi) petulantly ordered. “You’re not the one who’s going to have to wash that!”
“Do you remember…” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) started. Then, he leaned into Gigi(XerXemanXander) and whispered something into her(his) ear. They both broke out in snickers.
“If we go to your crib,” Bertrand Blailock gently told Gigi(XerXemanXander), “we can get all of this sorted out and get you back into your proper body in no time.”
“Kay,” Gigi(XerXemanXander) pouted.
“Does anybody have any tiny technology?” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) asked. “You know, to D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T the big lug?”
“I can spell, you know,” Gigi(XerXemanXander) said. “Why do you want to dis…cracker me?”
“I, err, I have a watch,” Bao Bai-Leung held up his wrist.
“Good enough,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) said. “Hand it over.”
“Will I get it back?” Bao Bai-Leung asked, unstrapping the watch and handing it over.
“Some assembly may be required,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) informed him. Then, he(he) asked Gigi(XerXemanXander), “Do you want to play a game?”
“Do I?” Gigi(XerXemanXander) enthusiastically responded.
Cossakian(ePik Flayel) handed him the watch. “You need to watch the numbers on the wa – err, game console. They will slowly count up. Sometimes, a number will be skipped. If you see the number skipping, you win. But, don’t think it will be easy – it will take a lot of concentration or you will miss the skipped number.”
Gigi(XerXemanXander) seemed mildly disappointed. “Is that all I get to do? Watch?”
“Umm, no,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) answered, looking at the watch more closely. “If you notice any number being skipped, press the button on the side.”
“What will happen then?”
“You don’t want me to spoil the surprise, do you?”
“Surprise? Oh, goody! I love surprises!” And, that’s how Gigi(XerXemanXander) came to stare intently at the watch.
“Shall we go?” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) asked everybody else, sashaying out of the door. The rest followed.
“Has everybody forgotten me?” Hotjax asked the empty room, adding: “I’m not cleaning up the blood…”
5. In Which an Important Fact is Not Explained
“Hmm…”
“Indeed.”
“I don’t suppose…”
“Perhaps.”
“And, yet…”
“No! It couldn’t be!”
“Impossible!”
“Sheer madness!”
“Utter folly!”
“And, yet…it is the only explanation that makes sense.”
“Perfectly logical.”
“If…”
“Let us suppose…”
“Then…”
“It naturally follows…”
“That would explain…”
“It would make sense.”
“Only five other people in the multiverse could have come up with such a diabolical plan!”
“Dastards!”
“As usual, Doctor Richards, you have been most helpful.”
“As usual, Doctor Alhambra, I didn’t understand a single word of what we were talking about! Glad to be of service.”
6. Games Gods Play
After a couple of minutes of the group trudging through the streets of Sparkling City, Bertrand Blailock turned to the gods and said, “There is one thing I’ve always wondered about this place.”
“What’s that?” ePik Flayel(Gigi) unenthusiastically asked.
“How do you get rid of your, uhh, waste?”
ePik Flayel(Gigi) goggled at him in disbelief. “You are in the presence of gods,” he(she) spat, “and that is what you want to know?”
“You eat –”
“Speaking of which,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) interjected, “any chance we can stop somewhere and pick up a sub? I’m starving!”
“You’re always starving,” Bertrand Blailock pointed out.
“True,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) agreed.
“You drink –”
“How about going for a soda?” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) tried again.
“You’re always thirsty.”
“True.”
“Despite this,” Bertrand Blailock continued, “there is no mention in any of the stories that I have read about the digital gods that addresses the issue of, you know, proper sewage disposal. Why is that?”
“Unbelievable!” ePik Flayel(Gigi) exclaimed. “When you read The Iliad, did you think to yourself, ‘Interesting story, but I wonder if Hector had indoor plumbing?’ Did you think that The Odyssey was a search for a functioning flush toilet?”
“I’m sensing that the correct answer isn’t, ‘Yes…’”
“We recycle.”
Bertrand Blailock pondered this for several seconds. Before he could respond, Gigi(XerXemanXander) complained, “This game is a rip-off!”
“I saw a number being skipped and I pressed the button just like you said,” Gigi(XerXemanXander) pouted, “but I didn’t win any special surprise!”
“Are you sure it skipped a number?” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) challenged him. “Are you sure you didn’t just look away for a second and miss the number yourself?”
“Sure, I’m sure,” Gigi(XerXemanXander) insisted.
“Even when I said that we should go for a soda?”
“Weeeeeeelllllll…”
“The wa – game only rewards you if you catch a real skipped number,” Cossakian(ePik Flayel) told Gigi(XerXemanXander). “If you press the button at any other time, nothing will happen.”
“This is boring!”
“You want a hint as to what the surprise is?”
“DO I? DO I? DO I?”
“It’s a puppy.”
“Oh boy!” Gigi(XerXemanXander) exclaimed. She(he) went back to intently staring at the face of the watch.
“ePik, old friend,” ePik Flayel(Gigi) stated, “you gotta work on your hinting skills…”
Before Cossakian(ePik Flayel) could respond, five figures stepped into the street in front of the group, stopping everybody’s forward motion. The quintet wore matching grey track pyjamas, the only thing distinguishing their clothing being the colour of sashes across their fronts: red, yellow, green, blue, violet. The first one, Abercrommerle (red) had a fine round face, but their features appeared more thuggish, more animalistic as you looked across them; Eddingslacht (violet), the one on the other end had a blunt nose, piggy eyes and huge, pointed ears with lots of hair sticking out of them.
“The Quarrelsome Quints,” Bertrand Blailock whispered in awe.
“The who?” Bao Bai-Leung whispered back.
“Good day, fellow gods,” Babblebropper (yellow) cheerfully greeted them. “And…others.”
“Mortals!” Dipshoomanik (blue) hissed, his features contorted in hate.
“Now, now,” Crankassette (green) calmly advised, “I’m sure they have a legitimate reason for being here.”