“Thanks for telling me. That helps me understand why it happened.”
Dan gave her a look of apology. “You were collateral damage, Sloan. You were the innocent lamb in all of this. The only thing I can blame you for is loving a bastard like me. When we came back from our scuba diving that afternoon? After our talk?”
“Y-yes…”
“I’d already decided to take you aside, tell you the whole truth. I had to come clean, with you. I was trying to time it for when things were quiet.” He rubbed his hands down his thighs, staring at the opened door to her bedroom.
“Young officers are sometimes cocky, Dan.”
“I had too much pride,” he rasped, watching grief come to her face. “And my pride impacted you. Look,” he muttered, “I need to leave your home. I’m not doing you any good as it is. You need time to get through your own healing after getting shot. You never knew the whole truth about me until just now.” Wearily, he added, “I’m like a bad penny who shows up in your life, and you suffer and pay for being around me. You always got the bad end of the deal with me.”
Dan slowly rose to his feet, standing close to her, his eyes filled with remorse. He knew leaving would be best even if she disagreed. “Look,” he said quietly, “I’ll call Tal. I’ll ask her to send a driver out here to pick me up and take me back to my condo.”
Her heart ripped wide open, and Sloan winced, her mouth compressing. Her feelings warred with her head. She saw the regret in his eyes as he looked down at her.
Dan reached out, lightly caressing her hair. “I’ll make this easy on you. I will leave no matter what you say. I think you need this time alone, to sort things out, regarding me…us. I am no knight in shining armor to you, baby. I’ve been a coward in hiding for four years. I’m older now, and I took to heart what we talked about out on that beach.”
“Oh, Dan,” she whispered, her voice anguished.
He dropped his hand, giving her an apologetic look. “I don’t know what love is. And having you in my arms again just now? I got it. I feel things for you I’ve never felt for another human being on this earth. I don’t know if it’s love or not. All I know is that I still want that chance with you and I damn well know I don’t ever deserve it. You never caused me pain. That’s all I’ve caused you, baby.” He barely grazed her cheek. “Take your time on this. I’m going to hold out hope you want that second chance with me. I’ll wait to hear from you. I feel we deserve this time to honestly sort everything out and start all over if you want—because I do.”
CHAPTER 18
The heaviness in Dan’s chest made him feel more lost than he had since he left Sloan’s two months ago. Christmas music played softly in the background, the small speakers sitting on his kitchen table. It was nearly five p.m. on Christmas Eve. He rubbed his chest, and sat back at his desk, scowling.
Sloan…
God, how he missed her. There wasn’t a day that went by where he didn’t yearn for her at his side. Shortly after he’d left, he’d found out from Tal that Sloan had left on another assignment. This time, to Ethiopia to protect a Delos home school charity in that country. There were rumblings that Zakir Sharan had targeted the small school on the outskirts of Debre Libanos, northeast of the capital.
In his nightmares, Sloan had been ambushed and shot, lying in the hot sands, bleeding out. She was calling his name, reaching for him, pleading for help. On these nights Dan always woke up in a sweat, unable to go back to sleep. He’d get up, put a call in to Artemis, and ask the person on duty whether they had heard from her. She was required to give daily reports to Artemis. And always, the duty officer on night shift told him she was fine.
Dan ached for her to return to him. How many times had he picked up the phone to call her or drafted an email, only to delete it later? He knew she had to sort out her life and decide whether it included him or not. Now he knew how Sloan felt when he’d abruptly walked out on her.
He felt miserable. Dan had been invited to Dilara and Robert’s home in Alexandria for their annual Christmas Eve party, but he didn’t have it in him to smile and pretend to enjoy himself. He called Dilara and told her he didn’t feel like coming this year. It was the truth; he just didn’t go into why.
The doorbell rang.
He scowled and sat up, turning his head toward the doorway to his office. Who could it be? Dan stood and padded to the front door, peering into the peephole. His heart dropped. Sloan! She was standing there, tired and looking serious. Heat bolted through him. Her brown hair was dusted with snowflakes, and longer than he remembered. She was darkly tanned from being on assignment. In her left hand, she held a large oval platter with aluminum foil wrapped over it.
Dan tried to gird himself emotionally. The way Sloan looked, it seemed like she was there to deliver bad news. The last thing she’d said to him before he left her house that day was that when she figured it all out, she’d see him. Well, here she was. His hand shook as he unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“Hey,” he said, “how are you?” It hurt to speak because of the lump in his throat.
“Hi,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I didn’t know if you’d be home or not. I went over to Dilara and Robert’s for the party, but Tal told me you’d called earlier to say you didn’t feel up to coming tonight. She thought you might be under the weather.”
“I’ve been trying to be honest with everyone, and I didn’t want to lie to her. I’m feeling okay. I just didn’t feel like pretending to be happy when I wasn’t.”
Her eyes brightened with understanding. “Holidays aren’t always the happy time everyone thinks they are,” she agreed quietly. “May I come in?”
“Sure.” As she walked past him, he inhaled her scent. The snowflakes had melted, leaving damp spots on her loose, shining hair.
“Have you eaten yet?” he asked, closing the door.
“No. I…uh, I just got off a long flight from Ethiopia. I thought you might be at the party.”
“That’s a brutally long flight.” He held out his hand, and she gave him the foil-wrapped platter. Their fingers touched. Instantly, Dan wanted to haul her into his arms, but the unsureness in her red-rimmed eyes told him how uneasy she was in his presence. His heart felt so damned heavy in his chest he wanted to cry.
Sloan gestured to the plate he was holding. “Dilara found out I was coming over here, so she packed us some Christmas dinner. It probably needs to be warmed up in the microwave if you want to eat.”
He hesitated, realizing how exhausted she was. “I haven’t had dinner yet. Why don’t we sit down and I’ll get us some plates and warm the food up?”
“Okay,” she said, shrugging out of her knapsack and denim jacket, sitting both on the couch. “How are you doing, Dan? How’s the healing going with your left side?” she asked, giving him a concerned look.
“Good as new.” He set the platter on the counter, peeling back the foil. “What about you? Did you finish that assignment in Ethiopia? Is that why you’re back home?” He looked over his shoulder, watching her walk slowly into the kitchen and lean her hips against the granite counter, a good six feet away from him.
“No. I asked to come home. Tal got me a replacement.” She frowned and nervously licked her lower lip.
“At least you’ll be home for Christmas. That’s important; I imagine your parents are thrilled about it.” Dan was afraid to ask why she was home. He knew why. Sloan was a straight shooter. She was good for her word when she gave it. He couldn’t handle her answer yet. Like the thief he’d always been, he wanted a few precious, stolen moments with her. A last goodbye before he never saw her again. He pretended to look at the goodies Dilara had packed, but he didn’t have an appetite.
“She sent roast turkey, dressing, a container of gravy, plus boxes of cranberry sauce, and baked yams with caramel sauce drizzled over them.”
“Yeah, looks like one helluva feast, doesn’t it?” Dan managed a quirked smile in her direction. There was such dark s
eriousness in her eyes that it scared the hell out of him.
“There’s some baklava from Greece. Her cousin Angelo brought it with him,” she said, gesturing to the plate.
Dan couldn’t stand the tension radiating between them. He pushed the plate back on the counter, facing her. “Maybe later. I know you’re here for a reason. This isn’t a holiday visit to a friend. Am I right?” He leveled a look at her, watching her tense.
“No, you’re right.” She rubbed her eyes, allowing her hands to drop to her side. “I need to talk with you, Dan. I still have some questions that only you can answer.” She opened her hands. “Some things I know. Some I don’t.” Looking away, she forced out the rest. “You aren’t the only one hiding the truth.”
Dan scowled, confused. He saw regret in her expression. “I don’t understand.”
“I’d love some water. Could you get me a glass? We can sit down in the living room. This is going to take some time.”
“Sure, go choose a spot,” he said, more confused.
He brought the glass over to her, and she thanked him, sitting in one corner of the couch, back against it.
“I need to come clean with you, and then, if you feel like there’s anything left to talk about, we’ll continue at that time?”
Shrugging, he said, “Sure. What’s this about?”
“When I was pulled for the PSD assignment to protect you over in Sudan, there was a dual reason for it. While it was true that Zakir Sharan put out a hit on you, there was another reason.” Sloan frowned, rubbed her brow and whispered, “I was shown a report by one of the medical personnel you flew into a village for a week. I knew from the reports you’d handed in, that you flew them in, landed the helo, and remained on site. Part of the time, you acted as a translator.
“All that’s true,” Dan agreed, frowning. “What’s this about a report from one of the volunteers? I never saw anything about it.”
“You wouldn’t have. The doctor’s report said that you had beer on your breath. She said while you translated, she could easily smell it. She also wrote in the report that the night before, you woke up screaming and awakened all the medical personnel who were sleeping nearby.”
Sloan opened her knapsack and handed him a file. “I need you to read this, Dan. And then, we need to talk about it.”
He scowled as he read the lead physician’s report. Handing it back to her, he rasped, “Yeah, that’s all true.”
“Okay, what isn’t in that report that we should know about?”
“What am I being accused of?” he asked softly.
“Nothing…yet. When Tal told me I was to go undercover to see if you drank beer during, before, or after a flight, I needed to note it. When I was with you in Sudan, I never saw you drink, and I never smelled alcohol on your breath. I looked in all the garbage cans in and around the hangar and never found anything to indicate you drank on the job.”
Anger rose in him, but he swallowed it seeing the sadness in her eyes. “So your undercover work was twofold?”
“Yes, but I couldn’t tell you about it for obvious reasons. Tal needed to know, and she didn’t want to accept the doctor’s account without me investigating the entire situation first. Dammit, this is hard to talk to you about. I’m sorry it’s coming during the holidays.”
“You’re just doing your job, Sloan. I’m not blaming you for it.” How could he after all that he’d done to her?
“I reported to Tal there was no alcohol issue that I could see. She told me from her end, they were investigating your parents.”
Instantly, Dan tensed. “What the hell!”
“She had to. Like me, she was trying to clear your good name.”
He stood, giving her an anguished stare, unable to sit still. “You know what this feels like?”
“Yes, like I’m the colonel at that crash investigation firing you from a job you deserve to keep.”
“You’re right,” he snapped. “It sure as hell looks exactly like that.” Fury raced through him and yet, he found himself unable to remain angry. Sloan looked beat up, weary, and on edge.
“I asked Tal to send an investigator to your parents. They found your father, but couldn’t find a trace of your mother, Claudia. The investigator got a court order to go through your father’s medical data.”
“Sonofabitch! He’s an alcoholic! So I’m going to get hanged by this doctor’s report as a result? Like father, like son?” he breathed savagely, watching her wince as if he’d struck her. Regretting his snarls, he shook his head and held up his hands toward her. “I’m sorry. I’m killing the messenger. This isn’t your fault.”
“I’m not your enemy, Dan. I’ve been trying the last two months to clear your name. Tal had a report uncovered about you being ordered out of the Night Stalkers by that colonel. I could add some information that you’d given me to explain what happened. I hope you’re not upset that I did that because Tal’s ex-military and worked in black ops. She worked with Night Stalker pilots routinely. And when I brought the info to her, explaining your side of the story, she felt the same way you did: you got railroaded, and you didn’t deserve that demotion at all.”
Some part of him released the tension, and he forced himself to sit down at the other end of the couch. “That’s good to know.”
Nodding, Sloan said, “Yes. Yes, it is. Are you upset with me telling Tal the rest of that story?”
“I would’ve preferred if she’d come to me.”
“She couldn’t. She had that report, and it’s a big deal. Tal didn’t think the doctor was lying, but she wanted me to dig deeper to find out what happened.
“I could’ve easily told her if she’d just asked.”
Dragging in a deep breath, Sloan whispered, “This type of situation is delicate. You know you can’t always waltz up to the source and ask them. Tal is on your side, Dan. She’s pretty good at sizing a person up and felt that something else was going on. Tonight at the party, she asked me to come over and see you. She knows you and I have a connection to one another and felt it would be better for me to lay this out for you. She could have done it by calling you into her office and shutting the door, but her instincts were to let me handle this.”
“I’m still questionable as an employee, then?”
“Tal needs to clear this up once and for all. She can’t put you on another assignment otherwise.” Her voice became low with pleading. “Dan? Can you tell me about that incident? Do you have any memory of it?”
“Of course I do,” he growled. “It was only five months ago.”
“Then tell me?”
“I always carry a six pack of beer with me when I go out on these trips,” he began. “I get nightmares, the PTSD type. And when I do, if I’m at my apartment, I get up and drink two or three beers. It allows me to relax and go back to sleep. We arrived at that village, and on the second night, I had a helluva flashback. I woke up screaming. I knew I probably woke up half the village. I got up and went out to my bird. I sat in the pilot’s seat and drank three beers. As soon as I started to relax, I walked back to my hut. I woke up late the next morning and instead of brushing my teeth, I hurried over to the medical tent. I knew I’d be needed as a translator, and so that’s what I did. The doctor must have smelled it on my breath is all I can surmise.”
“So, you drank three beers?”
“Yes.”
“Did you drink any other alcohol while you were there?”
Shaking his head, he growled, “No. In fact, I was well within FAA rules, because it was seventy-two hours between me drinking those beers and flying that group back to Port Sudan.” He saw something akin to relief come to her eyes.
“Since being stationed at Port Sudan, have you ever drank out at one of those villages before or after that?”
“No, it was just the luck of the draw. I usually get a bad nightmare once a month, always when the moon was full. I can count on it like rain rolling through Virginia every five to seven days. That time, it just happened to b
e when I was ferrying that team to a village.”
“Your father’s an alcoholic.”
“Yes, he is,” Dan said tightly.
“How old were you when you found that out?”
Dan gave her a hard look. “For as long as I can remember, he drank. My mother was always unhappy about it. They got into a lot of screaming fights over it, but he never quit or slowed down his binges.
“If you drink, do you need more?”
“You mean to ask if I’m an alcoholic like my old man is, don’t you?”
Sloan closed her eyes, rubbing them. “Neither Tal nor I thought that. But in the report I have to fill out on my investigation of you, I have to ask this question and record your answer. I felt strongly you were not an alcoholic. In fact, I never saw you with alcohol while I was there at Port Sudan. At Bagram, you’d have a few beers with me sometimes at a canteen. But even there, it wasn’t often.”
“And you’re going to put all of this in a report to Tal?”
“I will. I’ve heard your side of the story, Dan, and I believe she’ll drop the issue and get you back on the roster to be a full-time employee. She’s not your enemy. But what she will do after I compile my report is talk with this physician and tell her the rest of the story. Everyone understands PTSD nowadays, and you were well within the FAA rules for alcohol consumption before you flew the team back to Port Sudan.”
He sat there digesting her explanation. “Look, we can heat up that food, then you can go home and sleep off that jet lag.” What he wanted to ask was whether she would stay with him. Let him care for her because right now, she needed some TLC. Regardless of what her decision was about him, he was going to continue to change and try to make up for what he’d been to her before. It wasn’t his right to ask her to stay tonight with him.
She rubbed her brow and stood. “I’m so tired,” she admitted, “and I’m not really hungry, but thanks.” She picked up her knapsack and pulled it across her shoulder. “Thanks for not shooting the messenger, Dan.”
Dangerous: Delos Series, Book 10 Page 17