‘Well, that must be Superman! Look at the hand. It looks like he has made a fist. Yeah, he has become old and now wants support to land properly on the ground, hence he wants a walking stick!’ I mocked
‘Whoa, what an imagination! I suggest you start writing a book.’ Shagun looked at me, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
We both laughed. Later, we had a delicious dinner together. The way she laughed, I assumed she liked being with me.
I also liked Shagun. I liked her gestures, her mannerisms. I liked conversing with her. I liked the way she asked about the Superman thing. I liked that she was a professor at the Department of English at the university. I liked everything about her. I didn’t want to mention to her again how much I had liked the first time I saw her. I didn’t know anything except her name at that time.
But it seemed that according to what Gaurav had predicted, my stars would be soon be favourable. I counted the number of years on the tip of my fingers. It had been more than six years.
13
HE WAS CORRECT.
We were at the park. Running my fingers through her hair, I was looking at her. There were several things that were speeding past in my mind. It was true that Shagun completed me and was someone whom I waited so long. She was now with me and I was going to marry her in the coming months. I knew her but did she really know me? Once I had posed this question to Gaurav and he had said that I should spend as much time as I could with her. She would learn about me and I would learn about her. And in the meantime, she would get to know the real Sameer. Gaurav said that he knew I had changed a lot in the past few years, but that one cannot change one’s basic nature. Once I would spend time with Shagun, as she would start accepting my little quirks, then everything would fall in place and I could just be myself, not burdened with impressing anyone. It wasn’t as easy as he made it out to be. I wanted her to know my eccentricities because whatever anyone says—it might be candlelight that is required to impress someone—at the end it is understanding, care, and trust that keep a relationship going. What if my eccentricities irritated her later? What if she suddenly came to know that I get angry easily though I had never got angry in front of her so far? What if she came to know that sometimes I become rigid and refuse to unbend? Would she able to stay with me? Mom had also told me that when she was sometimes irritated with me, she wondered how my life partner would be ready to stay with me, that I was beyond anyone’s understanding. That she couldn’t understand me in these thirty years.
Knowing the real me would probably not be the best idea, I thought. It wasn’t that I viewed myself as a mean or cruel or stubborn man but it was true that I didn’t belong to the crowd and it took a lot of time to understand me. Though I had been able to control my anger in the last four to five years. Perhaps because I mostly maintained professional relationships with people and allowed hardly anyone to come close to me.
When I was silent for some time, Shagun interrupted my thoughts, ‘What are you thinking? You didn’t even have the ice cream. It’s yummy!’
‘I wanted to tell you something. Everyone finds it trivial but I feel it’s important,’ I said.
‘What are you talking about? Tell me.’
‘I’m just telling you right at the beginning that I have some flaws.’
She seemed amused but maintained a neutral expression. ‘Really? I always thought you are Aamir Khan, Mr Perfect.’
‘No, Shagun. Hear me out. I am serious. I just think you should know the real Sameer before we get married.’
‘In case I change my mind?’
‘I wouldn’t wish that but I also don’t want to keep you in the dark about my small but many eccentricities.’
‘Like what?’
‘I get irritated if I don’t get a reply. Be it textual or verbal. I don’t know why. I am patient with most people most of the time but I do not like to be devalued and taken for granted. If I do, I lose my patience. I am very understanding but I want the other person to be accurate about his or her needs, otherwise I feel that the person is just whiling away his or her time with me. I mean, I try to behave my best with people … I mean there are many …’
Trying to maintain a serious expression, she nodded, ‘I think I can handle your eccentricities. As many as they might be. However, when it comes to replies, I do reply to you always. Isn’t it?’
‘Yes, you do. I am just talking about my flaws. And sometimes, I do bend myself in a way the other person wants from me but other times, when I need someone, that too urgently, I don’t listen to anything. In fact, I care about every other person’s activities and schedules and if I ask someone to do to something and it is necessary and he doesn’t do it, I get angry within seconds. Though I try my best to control it.’
‘Sameer, you are unnecessarily thinking too much. At the end of the day we are human,’ Shagun came close to me and I could feel her breath as she spoke to me. She rubbed my hands as she said, ‘Tell me, is there any space for judgment in love? Would we really judge someone whom we love with all our heart? Acha, leave apart romantic love, have you ever judged your mother or father for having not understood you in certain situations and conditions? No, right? The same goes for your partner who would love you selflessly. It is not about accepting and taking pleasure in your goodness but in accepting you as a whole with all your attributes, however otherworldly they might seem.’
She seemed to be as wise as if she had lived a thousand years. And I was only a germinating seed. I felt small and silly at her maturity.
‘You understand, Shagun, but the world doesn’t,’ I said, looking into her eyes.
‘You don’t need the world, do you?’ she asked. ‘And your heart has the answer though you may not be able to articulate it in words,’ she reassured me.
‘I want to. But looking at how my life has taken shape over the last many years, I am just too apprehensive at times. I am scared, Shagun. What if …’
She interrupted me by pressing my hand. ‘You must. This moment will never come back, Sameer.’
‘Shagun, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you—today, tomorrow, forever.’ I fumbled a bit as I popped the final question. ‘Will you marry me?”
She smiled gently. I felt a shiver run down my spine. What would she say? I kept staring at her.
‘Look at you. You are nervous like a school kid in front of his teacher! Aren’t you?’ she laughed.
‘Shagun, please say …’ I was on the brink of begging. I couldn’t wait to hear her answer.
She could see my helplessness in my eyes and the same time she was aware of my love for her. That now, it had no bounds and had broken all shores.
She came close and put her head on my shoulders as she said, ‘Sameer, that never needed answering. I have been in love with you since the time you spoke with me in Shimla. My heart has been yours since then.’
I felt stunned and ecstatic at the same time. I can’t say I was shocked. I was too emotional to even detect such a feeling. Everything inside me changed and unfurled. A silent tear dripped down my cheek and I wiped it secretly. Years of waiting and years of hope were giving way to a changed perspective and I found myself in the garden of delight once again. My life was now moving towards a new place and I felt complete.
Next day, at home, while Mom sat in her armchair busy knitting a sweater for Dad, I came close and put with my head on her lap.
‘Wah, today my beta has time for me!’ she smiled. ‘There must be something you wish to tell me. Chal, stop buttering me, tell me what it is? Is it a girl? Oh please, for god’s sake tell me it’s a girl.’
I smiled and she could make out that I was blushing. She had never seen me in such a state. She looked elated and didn’t let me be at peace when I told her about Shagun. However, I felt an itch to tell her about Shagun’s past. That she was an orphan and how she had lost her parents. That she had grown up in an orphanage and never received her parents’ love. I didn’t know how Mom would take it.
But I had to try. So after having told her everything, I finally came to it, ‘Mom, there is something that you may find a bit awkward. But I must tell you.’
‘Why? Is she handicapped or divorced? Hey bhagwan, tell me!’ Mom flushed.
‘No, no. Nothing of that sort,’ I pacified her. ‘She is perfectly fine. And she’s just the kind of girl I want, as I have told you. The only thing about her is that she doesn’t have parents. She hasn’t even seen them and doesn’t remember them. Her mother passed away because of a birth injury and her father dies in an accident. She lived in the orphanage I had visited in Shimla until her uncle’s family took her in.’
She looked stunned for a while and then gloomy. She didn’t say anything. I knew this would happen. My mother had certain conventional notions about how her bahu should be. But I believed she wasn’t bad at heart.
‘But beta, what about people? I can still accept her. I know you have waited for the right person for so long. And at this juncture of life I would accept anyone as my bahu. I am just a bit weary of people. I mean, our relatives and the people we have known.’ She sighed.
‘Mom, people are not going to live my life or, for that matter, help me in any emotional or physical crisis. They only know to talk. And believe me, whoever I may marry, people will try to find flaws in her. It is in their nature. You cannot really give in to their gossip and mindless advice,’ I tried to explain to her.
She held my hands and looked into my eyes. I could see her face softening.
‘Beta, I just want you to be happy. Bring her tomorrow. She will be my daughter now onwards.’
We smiled and for the first time I felt that life was worth living for. And that a mother always understood her child even when everything failed.
I brought Shagun home the next day to introduce her to my mother. She took great pleasure in getting to know Shagun. In fact, I could see them getting along very well at the first meeting itself. Mom showed her the kitchen and told her that from now she would handle everything. Shagun was almost in tears and hugged Mom. I felt that everything was finally taking shape and was in its right place.
Over the next few days, my mind wandered and stalled at the same time. Everywhere I went, I contemplated on how I had spent my life and I had changed as a person. How love and its perilous search had torn me and the same time brought me together. It was difficult to hold myself for so long. But then, Mom and Dad always seemed to provide the comfort and solace of hope though they couldn’t fully understand what I went through inside my head. The past haunted me and I could never successfully put a veil on it, lock it, and throw it into the river of despair. All of this, of course, until Shagun came along. And then everything unfolded like history on a paper and changed its course.
Just a week before our wedding, when our cards had been distributed, I called up Gaurav. It had been a few years since I had seen him.
‘Hey man! Congratulations. Didn’t I tell you it would take six years?’ he exclaimed over the phone.
‘Yes, yes! It truly did. Thanks to you,’ I remarked sarcastically.
‘Thanks to your fortune, buddy! And thanks to that beautiful girl who found her light in you,’ he said, comforting me.
I felt good that people around me were so happy about my life. They were my friends in their truest sense of the word.
‘Gaurav, thanks man! Honestly. You’ve helped a lot.’
‘Ah, come on!’ he said dismissively. ‘Acha, I’m coming down tomorrow, do send your chauffeur to pick me up. I’ll be a bit early as I have to meet a couple of tarot clients that I have fixed up in your city. I plan to stay at your place until the wedding,’ he said authoritatively. He, of course, had that kind of a right on me. All my close friends did.
‘Yes, yes! Of course, buddy. You just come. My wedding would just be incomplete without you.’
My wedding was the following week. Everything, as they say, was perfect. Shagun was happy and I was elated beyond measure. What I had waited for so long was finally going to be mine. I had found love.
Shagun felt a sharp ache inside her. She realized that the power of love is just the same as the power of innocence. What she had thought were Sameer’s nonsensical, desperate ideas at the beginning was actually his innocence. She was loved beyond measure and she was now convinced, irrespective of any doubts, that she could never find another person who would love her the way Sameer did. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she missed him. Nostalgia gripped her and she pined to be touched by him. The sliver of doubt that had pierced her was now healed and her undulating heart came to a standstill. She only had to wait for Sameer to return now. It felt like ages, yet the pleasure of waiting was irreplaceable with any other. There was pain and ecstasy at the same time. Not only had her love for Sameer grown, but also her respect for him. All the years that she had longed for her parents’ love were fulfilled through Sameer. Keeping his diary close to her heart and thinking about his return, she slept off. The wind in the other part of the world grew cold and Sameer felt something piercing his soul. He felt the cold tugging at his heart. He longed to return and see Shagun, even if it was for a single day, a single night, a single minute.
Epilogue
I WAS NOW MINUTES AWAY from home. The flight had landed at an odd hour. I was unable to find a single cab at 1 am. There were no cabs even at the counter. I moved out with several passengers and broke into a brisk walk, pulling my bag behind me. It was tiring, but the thought of seeing Shagun gave me strength.
The previous week, when my new boss had come to know of the weird situation in which I had arrived in Switzerland, he called me into his office to have a word with me. He insisted that I go back to India and bring my wife to Switzerland. I had happily acquiesced and got my tickets done. My visa was still valid so I didn’t have any trouble. I just had to see Shagun. Her radiant face brimming with laughter came to me in snatches during the entire journey. I wanted to be with her, hold her close, and tell her how much I had missed her. She must be missing me too, I was sure.
As I walked down the empty cobbled street, my steps echoing, I saw a line of autos. I asked a driver if he was willing to go till my place. He seemed to be a godsend, as he nodded and gestured for me to get inside with my luggage.
The moment I entered the house, Mom came running to me, ‘Arre, why didn’t you inform us that you were coming? Did something happen at work, beta? Chalo, it’s good that you have come back.’
‘Mom, I got some leave so I decided to come home.’ I smiled at her.
‘Ah, uff! Anyway, come in, come in. At least you have come. Do you know how much I have missed you?’ She came close to me and kissed my forehead. Dad stood by my side, patting my back. He seemed to be proud of me. I embraced him and looked around for Shagun.
‘Mom, where’s Shagun?’ I asked.
‘Oh, she must be asleep. She came back late from the university and had to check a lot of assignments. I gave her some haldi-wala milk. She went to sleep just an hour back.’
I went inside the room and found Shagun’s face pressed against the pillow. Her hair was scattered and tangled on the white sheet. She looked like an abandoned little girl. There were no lines on her face and her eyes, though closed, looked as if they were meant to sleep peacefully. Such peace on the face of a person was only possible if one had peace at heart. A brown diary lay at the side of her pillow. It looked familiar. My heart skipped a beat when I realized what it was. She had found my diary. My beautiful world was rocked on a cliff and I felt it would crumble any moment. Just when I was about to grab hold of the diary, she put out a hand towards it. She had her eyes open now and looked at me. I could see nothing but delight on her face. But I was perhaps too ashamed by then, that she had come to know all of me. I immediately jumped into self-explanatory justifications.
‘Shagun, the diary not true. I am no longer the person I was, Shagun, believe me.’
She was still lying on the bed, her hand holding mine. She kept looking at me and smiling but didn�
�t answer. She pulled me down and had me sit close to her.
‘Shagun, I really don’t know what to say. I have loved you with all my heart and I honestly have no proof of that, except my words. I don’t know …’ I lowered my head and covered my face with my hands, not knowing what more to say.
She sat up and pulled my hands away from my face, and hugged me. For a few seconds, she ruffled my hair with her fingers and in a single whisper said what I had longed to hear since I knew of love.
‘Sameer, come what may and whatever you may be today, I have and I will always love you, just the way you are.’
Acknowledgements
TIME REALLY FLIES AND here I am with my third novel—the story that I always wanted to tell, that was inside me for a very long time, is finally here. I feel immensely happy thinking that how in these years things have changed for me—my life and everything around me. I thought I would be able to tell only one story but with time, as I started meeting people, new stories kept forming in my head. This novel is also a result of the same. But it didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it took a lot of pain because after writing half the script, I lost my laptop and didn’t have the draft copy saved anywhere else. That time was very frustrating but I recalled a quote by Thomas Edison: ‘There is a great value in disaster because you can start all over again.’ This quote motivated me and, having no other option, I started all over again, trying to recall what I had written earlier, but couldn’t capture much. At last, after working day and night, the book turned out to be the way I had visualized in my mind. I believe writing a new book is a new journey but something that can’t be done alone. There are several great people who accompanied me during this journey and made it smooth during the frustrating times.
I thank my mom and dad who supported me throughout this journey, encouraged me, and gave me the freedom to do what I wanted to do. My brother and sister, thanks to you both for being part of this journey.
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