Redefining Rayne

by Amy Mullen

  She was becoming a constant distraction. How could he draw her in closer? She appeared to be content near him, yet she held him at bay, not just physically, but mentally. Rayne was still hiding something. Many times in the past week she had become serene, almost peaceful, as if she was about to open up to him, but then she would stiffen. Whatever she struggled to tell him, he already knew it could not be something terrible. There was simply no way her secret could be anything to turn him away. The woman didn't have an evil bone in her body.

  "Lord Andre!" a voice startled him from his thoughts. "'Tis the boys, please come!"

  Without hesitation, he followed Aliza up the steps and to the nursery. Both Hamon and Jenri were lying in bed, red faced and sweating.

  "What is going on?"

  "A fever, milord, I fear they are sick. I have sent for the priest and for Helga. She has helped the boys before when they were ill."

  "Of course I know that," he snapped. "Go find Rayne, now!" Fear for the health of his boys superseded his good manners.

  The woman darted from the room, and he knelt beside the bed, putting his hand to Jenri's head. The boy's skin was hot and slick from sweat. Reaching over he felt Hamon, who was the same. Neither boy woke as he whispered to them, though Jenri moved his arms up to hug himself.

  "Are they unwell?" Rayne flew into the room, almost knocking right into him in her rush to get to the boys.

  "Is Helga coming?"

  "Aye," she said, kneeling to feel the boys as he just had.

  "I hope they are going to be well. I have to leave tomorrow." He studied her face for a reaction.

  "Tomorrow!"

  "Aye, I have to round up more men and attend to a few things in London for William Rufus. I got the message this morn — the time is now. Odo is holed up at Pevensey Castle with Robert of Mortain, and a few other rebel barons. They are hiding with their forces. The stronghold is but a few hours by horse west of Cuxton. Some of the king's men are going to port to guard the shores and the rest are to go with him to Pevensey."

  "'Tis dangerous for you, milord, how long will you be gone?"

  "I do not know. A siege can end quickly or can go on for many a fortnight. I should only be gone a week, unless I am summoned again. 'Twould seem they are prepared at Pevensey so the siege will be long, though no stronghold will outlast William Rufus. I do not think there is much danger. Please do not worry."

  "I worry for the boys. You are all they have."

  "Nay. They have you now too."

  She averted her gaze so he could not read her expression. His attention went back to the boys, both sleeping. He watched as she pulled their covers back and loosened their clothing. "They are hot but will complain they feel cold. Do you have linens so they may be covered? We need something thin."

  Helga arrived just as she spoke. The sturdy woman strode into the room with both linens and a bucket of water. "Move along ye two," she said briskly, "I be here to aid yer boys. I will find ye when I be done."

  "But…" Rayne began.

  "But nothing, milady, be off." Helga waved them away with her hand after depositing the bucket onto the floor.

  Andre stood, taking Rayne's arm and leading her from the nursery. Out in the hallway, he pulled her to the wall. "We can speak freely now."

  "I worry for the boys."

  "They will be fine in Helga's hands. You and Aliza will be with them. There is nothing more I can do for them. I must go. The king could strip my lands should I not do as he asks. And after he has sent me the lovely gift of my charming wife-to-be, I should think I owe him one."

  "I so despise him!" she said with venom in her voice. Her eyes widened as she stared at Andre, waiting for reprimand.

  Chuckling, he took one of her hands in his. "I could not agree more, but I respected his father. I made an oath of fealty then, and I do not go back on my word."

  "'Tis a rare trait, milord," she said, "but he does not deserve your trust."

  "I swore an oath, Rayne. I am bound."

  "Bound to a monster!" she spat. "And to what cost? What of the boys?"

  "My word is my word. I can never go back on it."

  "You will regret it one day, milord. Rufus has a heart of stone. He cares not for you."

  "That may be, but I have to go. 'Tis my duty."

  Rayne sighed.

  "We will be wed when the siege is over. I will leave enough men here to protect you and the boys while I am gone. No matter how it appears, I care not what Rufus would say. I will send enough to mollify him and enrich his army. The banns have already been cried once, and should be done twice more which means, God-willing, I will be back by then, and we may wed. I do not wish to wait the entire three months agreed upon."

  "If you truly knew me, you would not be so quick to wish this union with me. I do you a great injustice, Andre," she said boldly, surprising even herself. To her horror, the rest of the words would not come. Wanting to tell him everything was one thing, but bringing herself to actually do it was another. Her brain screamed she had to tell him to make things right; yet she knew she would lose him when she did. She broke free from him and ran to her quarters.

  ****

  Now what was she to do? She had cast her lot and hinted she was not entirely honest about who she was. Andre would come demand answers and would remind her she had no choice. The time for stalling was over. She had to tell him everything. He would have her thrown from the castle. Her heart would break, but she would deserve it. She would have to face Rufus again, but there was nothing he could do to her that could be worse than the pain she was feeling right now.

  What she had wished for when she first arrived was now her biggest worry. She did not want to leave him and did not want to let go of her fledging love for him, but the pain in her chest warned her it would end badly.

  He would leave on the morrow. She would see the boys back to health while he was gone, and then she would make some choices. There were few for a widow without a powerful family to protect her. The only family she had left was the most powerful, her cousin, and he cared not for her fate. When Andre inevitably sent her away, she would have to beg Rufus to allow her any fate other than marriage.

  Rayne threw herself back on her bed and pressed her hands to her face. Should she hide behind them, she could shut out the world. She did not want to hurt Andre, but she also did not wish to hurt the boys. They were already embedded in her heart, leaving her wishing nothing more than to be their mother. It was not to be.

  She was a sorry excuse for a woman, Claude had always said as much, and he was right. Rayne could not do the one thing her body was designed to do. She was a curse to all she encountered. Should she linger, she would cause more pain. It was better for all concerned that she go.

  Oh, but she wished to remain. The tears that fell from her eyes ran from under her hands in hot, salty streams. So many tears she had shed and always for herself and her lost children. This time, she wept for the future so cruelly put before her. She dared dream for a moment he could love her, but it would be without the happy ending she never knew she wanted. Better to hurt him now than wound him more deeply later with a stillborn child. Aye, he needed to know. She had put it off long enough.

  She heard him tapping at the door, and she decided right then it was time. No more wavering. Once he was gone, his hatred of her would grow, as he would see her as the failure she truly was. By the time he returned, he would send her off, sparing the boys of growing up with such a shell of a woman.

  The knock repeated. Wiping away her tears with the back of her hand, she bade him enter. She sat up, her eyes on the door.

  His expression was flat and stoic. He stepped into her quarters, and the door slammed behind him. The sound startled her, but she regained some semblance of composure and then stood to face him. Her entire body trembled, waiting for the lashing she surely deserved. She had just told him she wished not to marry — without reason — something which also defied the king, the king he was so stubbornly sworn
to obey.

  "For once, you need to be honest with me. You came here with a secret. You are terrified of something or someone. I have been patient with you. I have been more than patient. If there is something you need to tell me, you tell me now."

  His rising voice scared her, but she knew he would not hit her. Of that much she was sure. Timidly, she straightened her back and took a step toward him.

  "I am a cursed woman." There. She had said it.

  "Excuse me?" His eyes widened in surprise, as if it were the last thing he thought she would say.

  "Aye, cursed." She paused, her throat constricting as she gave life to the words she had tried to bury for so long. "I gave birth to three children. They all died within moments of birth. The first died in my arms. The others died without me. They were taken from me immediately, as they were so sickly, and died before I could rise from my sick bed." Rayne closed her eyes as her chest went cold, and her heart threatened to burst from her chest.

  Silence surrounded them. It engulfed them and trapped them, even as they stood freely in front of one another.

  "I could not mourn them, as 'twas my fault," she said, her words halting and awkward." They were buried without me. My babies gone before I could touch them and hold them. I am an utter failure, and I cannot bring more pain to your home. I should have told you earlier. I should have defied Rufus and fled. You do not want me, for I cannot give you the family you seek. 'Tis true what Claude said about me. There is no use for me," Rayne finished in a whisper. Any strength she had left drained from her body.

  "This is your secret? You cannot bear children?" Andre's eyes widened as he spoke. His disbelief and astonishment was evident.

  "Aye," she said, the tears starting anew.

  "Spare me," he spat out. "You could not tell me this when you arrived? Instead you played with me, trying to get me to send you away."

  "'Twas all I could think to do. My shame is my own, and I did not wish to share it with anyone for speaking the words would mean 'twas real."

  "You should have told me."

  Mutely, she shook her head.

  "You came to me a mess," he said, walking toward one of her windows, turning his back to her. "You stunk and you were defiant, yet you trembled when you stood up to me. You flirted with Odo and riled my jealously. Your beauty showed through, and I wanted you from the moment I saw you. I did not want to desire the widow sent to me by the king, but I did. Each day I grew to care for you more, thinking something was hurting you deeply and one day I could ease your pain."

  "I told you why…"

  "You told me nothing," he said. "What you have done is wormed your way into my heart only to break it. You cannot have children, you say. I do not know how to believe you, Lady Rayne. You are no better than Geva with her secrets she refused to share. Am I so bad? Do I cause unrelenting fear in women? Have I ever struck you? Am I an ogre unfit for human eyes?"

  "Nay," she said, tears streaming anew, shaking her head wildly from side to side, "You have been most kind, milord."

  "Then why the deceit? Do you think me simple minded, unable to decide for myself what I want and what I do not want?"

  "You want children! I cannot give you those. I fear intimacy with a man, which may bring about another baby. Surly another would die just as the others did. I have known too much sadness, and should I lose another child, I fear I will die from the pain." Rayne's stomach lurched as she said it.

  "No, what you did not give me was a choice and honesty. I cannot abide dishonesty, Rayne!"

  Unable to continue, she sobbed in earnest. Her hands went up into her hair, her heart breaking as she stood before him. "I shall leave posthaste."

  "Nay, you will listen to me for a change. You will remain here with the boys until I return. We shall decide the future then. I hope you will have decided honesty is always best before I return. Now it is my turn to make choices. You will obey me!"

  He left the room and went silently away. She crumbled to the floor. An ugly sob escaped, and she let the tears wash over her completely.

  Chapter Fifteen

  As he rode towards London, Andre gave necessary commands, but said little else as his men struggled to keep up with his relentless pace. They stopped only once to make camp under the trees, and then woke long before dawn to finish the journey.

  Andre had been angry with Rayne the night before. He was so upset he had handled it all wrong. To say he handled it poorly was an understatement. Mentally kicking himself, he went over his reaction again and again. Her confession must have ripped what was left of her heart from her, yet she had said it. He had to credit her for her bravery. These thoughts dominated his mind as he made his way east. Now, he could not blame her for thinking him a monster.

  He had to find Tillie, and he also had to ponder what to make of what Rayne had told him. Was it true? Did her stillbirths render her unable to have a living child? Would birthing another stillborn destroy her? Would it leave her as Geva had been? What could Tillie be looking for that could possibly change the past?

  The king had ordered him to round up more men and send them off to Pevensey Castle. Rufus needed soldiers and any able bodied man of any age. William planned to starve Odo and his allies until they surrendered. Pevensey was landlocked, and if successfully cut off, the stronghold would fall and William Rufus would have his vengeance.

  The king had a lot of men already, far more than he needed. It was not Andre's job to question why he needed more; it was simply to do as the king bade. He rode hard because his mission was twofold. He also had to find out what Tillie knew. Now that Rayne had finally told him what she had held back all this time, he needed more answers. He could have questioned Rayne, but he had not been able to look at her another moment.

  She had been broken, crouched before him on the floor. He had reacted distastefully, but he had been irate beyond reasonable conversation. Her tears had nearly broken him, but he knew had he spoken to her more, he would have said things he would later regret.

  He had a right to be angry with her and with the king. Why Rufus had sent her to him, knowing he wanted children, he did not know. If she had wanted to leave so badly, why had she not told him sooner? There was more to this story. It did not add up. Tillie may hold the answers.

  Andre found Tillie easily. He had been in London mere hours when he found her sister's home. He sent his men to start rounding up more soldiers so he could attend to his personal life. This was new for Andre. Business usually, without fail, came first. Now, he had the boys to think about, and he wanted this madness to end.

  Tillie's sister, he had been told, was married to a butcher, which left only so many places to look. He had first ridden to Rayne's old home, only to find it occupied with hunters, friends of William Rufus. The property was to be Andre's after their marriage. Andre wanted to roust them out and chase them away, but he did not. That could wait. He then stopped at an inn for an ale. While there, he asked where to find the nearest butcher.

  Tillie was outside the shop speaking with an elderly woman when Andre approached. She was startled to see him, but recovered from her shock quickly. She ran toward him, but stopped short. He alit from his destrier and faced her.

  "'Tis fine, Tillie. 'Tis good to see you too," he said.

  "Oh milord, has something happened to Rayne? Where is she? Why have you come here?"

  "One question at a time."

  "Would you care to come into my sister's home? 'Tis behind the shop. We can talk there, if that pleases you, milord."

  "Aye, but only if you have ale."

  "Indeed! Oh milord, I have so much to tell you, but so little."

  Raising an eyebrow, Andre could not help but chuckle. His mood lightened a bit, and Tillie seemed earnestly glad to see him. The long ride to London had eased his tension a bit and had given him time to gain some perspective. "Lead the way."

  Tillie tied Andre's destrier in a lean-to shed before leading him into a small, cramped house behind the butcher shop. The fe
w men still with him sat at the inn a few paces away and waited. He had sent the rest out to search for the fighting men requested by the king. Despite the shabby exterior, the cottage was neat and tidy, and there was a cheery fire warming the space. It was not big, but was roomier than many hovels he had seen on this side of the city.

  After accepting an ale mug from Tillie, Andre sat on a rough-hewn bench before the fire and waited for her to join him. When she finally did, she seemed hesitant, but began asking questions about Rayne straight away.

  "She's fine, Tillie, as far as I know."

  "So then why are you here, milord? Why did you not bring her with you?"

  "'Tis a long story, but I came to see what you have found. You left with a vague story of how you needed to come back to help Rayne, yet you did not return."

  "I have been unable to find what I need," Tillie shrugged. "'Twas only a hunch, but I think someone knows a secret which could change the way Rayne feels about herself. I do not want to say what without spilling her secrets. I hope you understand."

  "If it helps, she already did so."

  "She told you? I am surprised, milord. She never speaks of it to anyone."

  "About the babies? Aye, she told me. I am afraid I made matters worse."

  "What happened?"

  "I was called to serve William Rufus. He is holding Odo and his allies under siege at Pevensey Castle. William has called up the fyrd and needs every man he can get. I am to find him those men. 'Tis why I am here. I told her I wanted to marry as soon as I got back rather than wait the full three months of our betrothal, so long as the siege did not carry on forever."

  "She did not take your announcement well then?" Tillie said, though her face showed she already knew the answer.

  "Nay, not well at all."

  "So you are happy with the match? With Rayne? She pleases you, milord?"

  Unable or unwilling to spill his deepest desires to this woman, he simply said, "Aye, I was pleased."

  "She then told you everything?"