by Amy Mullen
"Milady," he said as he tried to slow his breathing, "Milord Andre and Tillie both request you meet them outside at once. They have a matter to discuss with you and wish you to make haste. They are near the stables."
Rayne hesitated. "What is it, Nigel? Is someone hurt?"
"Nay," he said as she shook his head, "I cannot rightly say I know. 'Tis all kept quiet, but both seem excited to speak with you. Will you come?"
"Aye, of course," she said with trepidation. She followed him down the stairs and out through the great hall, struggling to keep up with his long, powerful strides.
She slowed as she saw Tillie speaking to Andre in an agitated voice. Both stopped speaking as she approached. Andre took a step forward, and Nigel retreated back to the hall.
"Rayne. You look well," he said.
"What is going on? Tillie, where have you been? I thought you left me," Rayne blurted out.
"Never," Tillie said with a smile that did not reach her eyes. "I would never willingly leave you, my dear. I had something to attend to, and now you will know why I left."
Rayne looked from Tillie to Andre in utter confusion. Why was he staring at her as if he feared her? Why was Tillie so upset and grim? "Please, if there is something I am meant to know, tell me."
"One moment," Andre said. "We need privacy for this. Nigel is clearing the great hall."
"Please tell me, what is amiss?" Rayne said, suddenly frightened. She looked to Tillie, who threw her arms out in welcome.
Rayne ran the few steps that separated them and threw herself into Tillie's arms. Quietly sobbing, she hugged the older woman as hard as she could. "I thought you left me. I thought you didn't want to be with me any longer."
"Nay, never think that," Tillie said, returning the hug. "I did not want to tell you where I was going because I did not want to raise false hopes should I be wrong."
"Ladies, to the great hall, please," Andre said as he turned heel and led the way.
Once inside the great hall, Rayne wiped her tears with her fingers and stood before the fire. The room was quiet as Tillie and Andre looked at each other.
"Someone please speak," Rayne said. She avoided eye contact with Andre. She was not sure how to feel about him or how he felt about her.
She did not want to look at Andre and she did not want him there. Not until she knew what was going on. He thought her a fool like everyone else. His last words to her echoed in her mind. Love was new to her and now, it put a new sting on the pain Andre's rejection had inflicted upon her life. If this was love, it hurt.
She waited. Tillie stood beside her and took her hand. She guided her to a bench, and they sat. Warily, Rayne's head turned to hold her gaze yet she saw nothing but kindness in the woman's eyes.
"If only I had put this together so long ago," she said. "I regret so much I did not, but Rayne, you have a new chance at happiness, and I hope you take it."
Rayne's mind began to stir. She still refused to look at Andre. She was sure he was going to reject her outright, and if she could pull back, maybe it would not hurt so much. A simple smile from him might be her undoing. She had to be stronger than that. It was not worth the agony she would feel when he told her to leave.
"So, my dear sweet Rayne," Tillie said, "I hope you are ready to hear this."
"I do not know what it could be," she said and shrugged, waiting for Tillie to continue, "whatever it is, please just say it."
"Two of your children live."
A sensation formed in Rayne's chest, like ice, engulfing her. Hot tears sprang anew. She sat motionless. Sound and light faded away, and a pain shot through her. Paralyzing fear gripped her mind, and when she could finally move, she sprang up.
"I cannot take this!" she shouted. The voices outside the hall hushed for a moment. "This is cruel."
"Nay, Rayne! 'Tis true!" Tillie protested.
"You!" She finally focused her attention at Andre. She pointed a finger in his face, rage bursting from within her. "You! You are worse than the king. You never cared for me, you just sought to do whatever the king told you to do. I spilled my secrets to you, and you left. Nothing came from you but revulsion. My deepest pain meant nothing. I did not expect you to ask me to stay, but I hoped for some compassion. What sport I was to you, aye? Whatever plan you have to hurt me more, to make me submit and do your will, stop it now. I simply cannot take another moment."
Rayne crumpled to the reed-strewn floor, wrapped her arms around her legs, and began rocking back and forth. She squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, as if she could shut the world out. When would it stop? When would the world be right again, if it ever had been? What had she done to deserve this anguish? The lies, the pain, the exquisite torture had to stop, and she had to put an end to it now. For a moment however, she was safer locked within herself, sitting on the ground, the world going about her as if nothing had ever been wrong.
A hand touched her arm. She ignored it for a moment as one lonely sob escaped from her mouth. Her breathing became erratic, and she could not draw in enough air. She started gasping. Another arm touched her, and someone was lifting her from the ground. It was as if she was floating, effortlessly, and was detached from all emotion. It was the only way she was going to survive this.
"Rayne, I know you are upset, but you must listen to Tillie," Andre's sweet, warm voice penetrated the fog, and she allowed her eyes to meet his. There she found concern, caring, and a place of calm, but she did not trust it. "You do not have to trust me, my love, but Tillie would never harm you. Do you hear me? Allow her to tell you this, and then you can hate me for all time if you wish."
A calm washed over Rayne. She would allow Tillie to speak. Whatever it was, she wanted it done with so she could run away from this, these people, this place, this pain. Rayne pushed away from Andre and pivoted to face Tillie. She lifted her reddened eyes to meet the older woman's gaze and nodded.
"You must listen, please, until I am done. This is hard to get out, but this is important, milady. You have suffered so long and have suffered for all of the wrong reasons. Your sons are alive. You should not have been mourning their deaths, but instead, you should have been angry with those who took your children from you."
"How can this be?" Rayne said as her mind awakened and thoughts raced in dizzying confusion. "I was there. One died in my arms. The others, they did not cry. They were blue, near death, and they were buried."
"Aye, sadly, your first did die, but as for the other two… did you see them buried? Nay, you did not. Nor did I, milady. We were both too trusting and too hurt to see what was going on."
"I do not know how to believe you."
"'Tis hard to think about, but listen, please," Tillie pleaded. "The boys live. They were taken from you. Lady Geva wanted children but did not have any. She knew something about the king, something so important she could get whatever she wanted out of him, even before he took the throne."
"I do not understand what that has to do with me."
Tillie shook her head. "I did not see it either until I found James. He is Geva's brother, or perhaps I should say, was her brother. He admitted his part in it. He took the babes from Claude, and they were given to Geva, who was then sent to marry Andre as soon as her husband died. You would never see the children with her living so far away. You would not be able to put the pieces together."
Rayne could not speak. Hot tears ran relentlessly down her cheeks as she shook her head.
"Jenri and Hamon are your boys, Rayne. Claude gave you a drink to start birth. It could have killed you and the boys, but it did not. Remember how you were so sick for so long after birth? This is why! There is nothing wrong with you. You gave birth to two strong, healthy boys. You have seen them with your own eyes, milady."
Rayne could not comprehend what Tillie was saying to her. She picked up a piece she could deal with. "Claude knew of this? He gave away his own sons?"
"I am afraid so. One more reason to be thankful for his death."
Hamo
n. Jenri. They were hers! The thought was starting to settle in, and she glanced at Andre. He stood back, watching them, but she could not read his face.
"My boys?" she said. Wonder spread across her face as their images popped into her mind. "My boys?" she repeated.
"Aye," Tillie said as a few tears of her own flowed freely. "Your boys are beautiful, and they look just like you. I do not understand how the world can be so cruel, but you can have them back now. You never have to be away from them again."
It all finally sunk in, like a punch to the gut. "William Rufus did this."
"It appears so, Rayne, but do not run off half-crazed. He is still the king, and if you anger him, he could do it all over again."
"Oh, he is going to hear from me!" Rayne said. Anger grew until she thought she would explode into nothingness. "He has used and abused me for the last time! His father married me off to that lout Claude, he aided someone who took my children from me, and then sent me to live with them without telling me the truth. What a foul excuse for a human being!"
The mess her life had been was no more. Every question, every thought, and every regret vanished in a whirl of understanding. Claude, Geva, and even James, not so much more than pawns but still, responsible for hurting her. She was not a failure, but life had failed her. Even if it cost her the air she breathed, William Rufus would have to answer for what he had done to her.
As her world spun out of control, and her brain righted itself for the first time in a long time, Rayne swept past both Tillie and Andre and exited the hall. She meant to go to the stables, to leave Cuxton, to confront the king. Rayne heard Andre call her name and Tillie breathlessly begging her to stop, but she marched on. There would be no waiting.
They were coming after her. Even Nigel was but a few feet behind her. She didn't want to trust him either. Trust meant pain, and she had had enough of all of it. Men stopped and stared as she stomped by, nearing the stables, determined to ride out to see William Rufus. It was the only thing her troubled mind could think to do.
"Stop!" a voice said as a hand grasped her shoulder. "You cannot do this, and I will not allow you to go."
It was Andre.
"Oh, you leave me be!" Rayne screamed, twirling to face him. "I get it. I came here, and I stupidly played games with you to get you to send me away. My past hurt more than you could have known. I should have told you straight away and I would be free of this right now. Oh Andre, but it hurt. It hurt so much I could not speak the words aloud. Once I decided I was wrong about you and I wanted to stay, I knew I must tell you, but I still could not bring myself to say the words. What did you do when I finally did? You lashed out at me and made me feel terrible about myself all over again. I do not know why you care."
"Rayne, I took it badly, I know. I was shocked for 'twas the last thing I expected you to say."
"You knew didn't you?" Rayne said, tears streaming anew. "Did you know my secret all along? Did William Rufus tell you? Were you in on his game? Aye, the broken woman. Let's completely destroy her. Did you know the boys were mine?"
"Nay Rayne," Andre said, stunned by her accusation. "I would never knowingly hurt you in any way."
"I don't know how to believe you!" she yelled and tried to free herself from his grasp. The soldiers on watch above them stopped and stared, but she did not care. She wanted to be free from everything she was feeling at that moment.
"You cannot go to William Rufus," Andre said, grabbing her other arm. "He will not take this from you."
"I knew you were on his side," she said and then sobbed.
"No sides, lady, there are no sides. Not in this. If there were, I would be on yours. I have no doubt he deserves every harsh word you wish to speak to him right now, but 'twill not change anything. It will only prod him into hurting you more."
"He is a monster!"
"Aye, he is. He is also the king, and there is naught we can do about it but move on."
"Ah," Rayne said, exasperated, "nothing we can do."
"He offered your manor up to you. He said you can have it back. He said he sent you here to right the wrong. He said I should have told you, but Rayne, on all that I hold dear, I swear to you I did not know. The king believes the matter closed. If you want to be angry with me, so be it, but do not risk your future with your sons by making the mistake of thinking you will win if you face him like this."
"I have no choice in my future, remember? I am but a woman."
"I'll not hold you to the marriage contract if you do not wish to wed," Andre said, his eyes sad and tired.
Rayne wrenched her arms from his grasp and stomped back into the hall. She then quickened her pace and raced up the stairs with Tillie right behind her.
Andre, in turn, followed.
Chapter Twenty
When he caught up to her, she was standing in the doorway of the nursery. The boys were asleep, and the sun had just set.
"Don't wake them," he said as gently as he could. "I think we all need some sleep."
She whirled around and walked purposely toward him, her anger exploded around her. They moved away from the nursery and neared her quarters. "You have no right to speak to me. As soon as I know where to go, I will take my sons with me and be gone from this wretched place. I may go to my manor in London, or I may go elsewhere. I do not know yet. You have treated me just as the king has. Everyone has taken from me, and no one gives. I ask for nothing though, I just want my sons."
"Rayne, I know you are angry. You have to know one thing. If you hear nothing else I say, hear this. I did not know Jenri and Hamon were your sons. I do not care what Rufus has said or implied. I did not know. I have not been totally fair with you, but I had the best of intentions."
Time failed to exist as they stared at each other. He wanted to move, to take her in his arms and tell her nothing would ever happen to her again which would cause her pain. She held his heart in her hands, and he did not care if he ever got it back. He wanted to protect her and keep her, and make her his wife. But he did nothing, because he knew her pain to be great, and forcing her would only make things worse. She had to come to love him on her own or it would never work.
"I loved you, Andre. Did you know that?" she said. "Aye, I have finally found love. I have learned what it means, and I do not like it. It hurts. Do you hear me? It hurts," she said, her voice faltering, "I do not wish to feel it again."
"You can be angry," he said, "but know this. What the king has done has nothing to do with me. I hope through all you are feeling right now, you will recognize that. I have grown to love you, and I know I should have done more to make you at ease here."
"Ha," she said, "your reaction told me all I needed to know. You made me stay here, but for what? So you could come back and send me away."
"I did not keep the identity of your children from you. If you cannot accept that, then you are right. There is no future here for us. I do ask you, do not take the children and run. They deserve an explanation. You may not care much for me now, but I have loved and cared for them. You will cause them more pain should I not get a chance to say goodbye to them."
"Aye," she said in a whisper. "I owe you that much." She stared at him for a long moment more, and then softly stepped away, and went to her quarters without another word. Rayne was suddenly exhausted.
With the last bit of energy she possessed, Rayne heaved herself upon her bed. She did not remove her clothing nor did she turn back her coverlets. She was too tired to move. Andre was right about one thing, she was too overwhelmed to see the boys, and she did not want to wake them. Rayne knew she would be overly emotional and waking them with her in such a state might confuse them more. They would be there in the morning.
Her boys. She could still scarcely believe her boys were alive, and they were right here under her nose. Her elation was only dimmed by the anguish she felt knowing Andre had hurt her. She could forgive him not telling her just about anything, but not telling her Hamon and Jenri were hers was too much. No amount
of love in her heart could overcome it. Rufus took her children, and Andre kept them from her. Was there a man alive with any true compassion?
Tillie burst into the room. She closed the door behind her with a thud, and Rayne knew she would not yet sleep.
"You must listen, Rayne, I know you are going to beg off, but this cannot wait."
"Haven't we had enough excitement for one day? I can no longer think straight. Aye, I am going to beg. Let me rest."
"Not without saying one thing. Hear me out, and you may sleep."
"Aye," Rayne said, hoisting her weary body into a sitting position.
"Andre did not know about the children. He told me what Rufus said, and he did not have to. He was as surprised as I when James told us what happened."
"I am too tired to think about this."
"And know he was willing to marry you before he knew of the boys. He did not care you thought you could not bear children. Give him a chance, milady. Aye, give him the understanding you wished someone had given you in the past. No one person can be perfect, but he is as innocent in this as he claims."
"I'll consider your words," Rayne said, wishing she could go to sleep. Her mind was too numb, her body weary, and her heart conflicted.
"Do not make choices on raw emotion, Rayne. All tough decisions come with time, even if just a few days. If you make up your mind about a life with Andre based on your state right now, I know you will make a choice you shall regret. Do not toss him away based on how you feel right now. Be sure, without a doubt, of what you need. Some say decisions of the heart ultimately have to be made with the head, but I think both should have a say."
Rayne groaned and lay down heavily on her bed.
"And milady, while I may not be an expert on matters of love, I do know a few things, and I know love when I see it. He loves you. Do not throw that away as 'tis too rare to find such a thing. You have a gift if you only choose to accept it. Take it. You have had enough pain. Now it is time for some happiness."