by Mika West
All I could still hear now were the low timbers of Tommy’s voice on the telephone through the walls of his office. A part of me reveled in the fact that we were alone, the stupid nervous part of me that was still hung up on a school-girl crush. Despite his mild hostility, I caught myself daydreaming about him, every so often wondering why he’d asked me to stay late, wondering if he would make amends and come out of his office to speak to me.
My nerves escalated every single time he called through on the intercom, but he just wanted a refill of his coffee mug, and each time I brought it to him I waited—almost expected—for something to happen. For him to show his motivations as to why he wanted me there. He stayed behind his desk, not moving, only glaring at me on each occasion I entered his domain.
Deflated and back at my desk I noticed that my phone screen was dominated with missed calls and texts from Liv. I shot her a quick message back telling her I wouldn’t be too long now. At 10:30 pm, as my eyelids were starting to give up the ghost and the last of my energy was waning, I finally closed the last file folder and shut my computer down. I grabbed my coat from my locker in the break room and made for the door.
Enough was enough. Tommy could get his own damn coffee if he wanted to stay here all night!
Outside, it was freezing. The ground had frozen, and my shoes slipped on the pavement. The tall streetlights illuminated the large parking lot. It was empty except for my Jeep near the abandoned middle and his BMW—fresh off the forecourt—in its designated spot near the doors. The air was so cold I could feel it through all my thick layers. Beyond the scope of the lights, blackness extended out in every direction. I stifled a yawn behind a gloved hand and braced myself for the cold drive home.
I was insanely proud of my old blue jeep; I had kept it all through college and put in hours upon hours of work on it with Dad. There was a picture of the two of us hanging from the rearview mirror. It had many dents, and it rattled, but I treasured it the way most people loved a family pet.
However, with the onset of the below freezing temperatures, the engine of my car managed only a raspy squeal when I turned the key in the ignition.
Shit.
My hands had turned numb, but I tried the car a second time. This time the engine only made a slightly stronger choking sound but remained lifeless. I looked at the tall office building just as Tommy exited the large entrance doors. His long, black wool coat was turned up at the collar, and his shoulders hunched in the cold. His hands were buried deep in his pockets, and he had a burgundy scarf wrapped around his neck.
In my head, I cursed him for the situation. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I was ready for any excuse to hate him at this point. If it hadn’t been so late, then it wouldn’t be so cold, and the car would have started. He squinted through the wind in my direction. I considered ducking in my seat, but that would have been even more embarrassing if he saw me hiding like a child playing a game. He left the path to his car to walk over to me. I braced myself as he got close and used the crank to roll down the window.
“You forgot to say goodnight.”
“Was I meant to?” I shot back. “I finished my work, as you asked.”
He held up his hands in defense and cocked an eyebrow. “Do you always use that tone with your boss?”
“I—no…” I sputtered wondering how on earth I was going to get out of the hole I’d dug for myself. Before I could I apologize or come up with something that would help me not get fired he indicated to the car.
“Having trouble?” he asked with a half smile. His teeth chattered behind the cloud of his exhale. His arms clamped to his sides, and he looked directly at me, pinning me with his gaze.
I stared back, unable to speak and knowing with each moment that passed it was becoming more and more awkward.
“Well? Your tongue hasn’t frozen has it?”
“I can’t get it to start,” I said finally. I couldn’t’ think of anything else to say.
His cheeks flushed in the winter air. “Let me have a look,” he said.
He motioned for me to get out of the front seat. I stepped out of the car. It was miserably cold, I blew into my hands, but it did little to ease the ache already chilling me to the bone. He passed so close in front of me I could smell him, aftershave and something else—mint maybe?
He reached around the door and confidently popped the hood. I genuinely have no idea what he did to revive the car because the entire time I just watched his tall, muscular body in stunned disbelief. Was he actually doing something nice for me? Part of me wondered if I’d fallen asleep while finishing the reports and was dreaming of this uncharacteristic act of generosity.
Somehow though, not five minutes later, my car roared to life.
“Good as new,” he said, “Well… maybe not new, but it’ll get you home.”
“Thank you,” I said as he climbed out of the driver’s seat.
I went to climb back into the car and escape the brutal wind when his face took on the same expression it had earlier and caused me to stop in my tracks. A softness took over his features and, once again, I felt like he was on the verge of saying something, and waited for his lips to move. I concentrated on them then flicked my gaze to his eyes.
He backed away.
“Night,” he said before turning on his heel and starting back towards his car. “Drive safe.”
When I got home, Liv was already asleep. Her report for school was lying on the kitchen table. I felt a wash of guilt. I thought back to Tommy’s face in the parking lot, his moment of hesitation. What had he been about to say? I shook my head. I was just imagining it. He’d made it very clear since I’d started working at the firm that he wanted nothing to do with me. I was too wrapped up in my own foolish dreams, hoping he would wash away all my teenage regrets and whisk me into his arms.
Even though my eyes sagged with exhaustion and my body felt heavy and sore, it took me hours to find sleep. When I did, I dreamt of my old table in the library—and of all the things Tommy had never said.
Chapter 5
The next day, he made no acknowledgment of the night before or my temperamental car. So I took the plunge, gathered my courage and did it for him.
“Thank you again for your help last night,” I said when I brought him his morning cup of coffee. Hot for once, with a sprinkling of cocoa on top.
“Don’t mention it,” he replied but didn’t look up from his computer screen. “Any meetings today?”
“No clients. Just the usual meeting at eleven with Mr. Lawrence,” I told him, partially deflated.
“Perfect, thanks,” he said, and with a dismissive wave of his hand, I was forced to retreat from this office.
Apparently speaking further wasn’t on the table, but I did feel like I noticed a small change in his demeanor. If he had any issue with his morning cup of coffee, he kept it quiet, for once.
All day I felt I was being watched, but maybe it was just my imagination. Even though I tried to stop it, I couldn’t help but feel that same pull behind my belly button that I’d felt in high school—with him at his desk and me at mine. The same nervous excitement crept up my legs and made it hard to think.
I tried to remind myself that just because he successfully started my car didn’t erase the weeks of rude comments and overt hostility. He treated me worse than anyone else in the office. With Tiff, he bordered on friendly, but with me, I was rarely extended a kind word. All my attempts at smiles and getting him to warm up a bit were met with glowers. And yet, despite all that I felt drawn to him. Like he was a magnet I couldn’t help but be pulled back to him over and over again. And perhaps it had started to work because day by day things began to get better.
The gruffness and hostility faded from his words, though his face remained as hard and unreadable as ever. He never let much on, but it was hard to believe I was making the tension between us up. Often, I’d catch him looking at me—he’d stare just a second too long when he’d exit his office on his way to a meeting.
Maybe he’d remembered me after all, I thought with hope creeping into my heart.
I’d stare at him too, or I search for him across the office; wondering if he’d be the next person to appear around the corner. My eyes would stop on the way his shirt would catch on the tight muscles of his arm. The way his intense eyes would stare into mine when I brought him his morning coffee. I’d watch him run his hands through his often-disheveled hair when he was stressed; when he was angry. I’d sneak a peek at him while he paced in his office with a small amount of nervous excitement. The way a gazelle would watch a pacing lion, the only difference was I had realized I wanted to be attacked. Desperately.
I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I he wanted it too. The tension was becoming almost palpable. His mouth would form a coy smile when he’d catch me looking at him. Something had shifted, like in that moment where he looked like he was about to speak, he’d said more than words ever could.
My old high school crush returned with a vengeance. Perhaps it had never disappeared, I considered. Just been there beneath the surface ready and waiting to be reignited.
I started to spend more time getting ready in the mornings. At the bookshop, I’d roll out of bed at the last possible minute. I’d pull into work with my hair wet and toast crumbs still dusting my cheeks. Now, I was an early riser. I curled my hair and put on lipstick. I fished the tight-fitting skirts out of the back of the closet. Even Liv remarked on my new look, and I had to wonder if I was trying too hard. Just waiting and tempting fate to break my heart all over again.
“Damn, Sis. You look hot,” she said. I winked at her. “You seem happier too,” she continued encouragingly.
“Do I?”
Liv nodded.
I pondered her statement and realized it was true. My new mission had lessened the pain of the holiday. I was starting to feel like myself again if that was even possible.
At work, Tommy was characteristically mysterious, but it didn’t bother me as much as it had before. Mainly because I felt like a tiny bit of progress had been made, and the ice in his eyes had started to thaw. It was a week before Christmas and Tiff found me at my desk.
“Hey, would you mind grabbing lunch for everyone today? I’m not feeling super well. Going to head home early I think. Mr. Carver had the notepad with the orders last. He’s in a meeting so just grab it off his desk. Oh! And before I forget,” she started rummaging through her purse. “Here’s your person for Secret Santa!”
She handed me a green envelope covered in hand drawn snowflakes. Her face was pale and clammy, but her excitement over the holiday tradition shone through. I’d forgotten all about Secret Santa. I cursed myself for signing up for it. I’d already spent my first paycheck in my mind, and I hadn’t even received it yet. I still didn’t know where I was going to get the money for Liv’s present let alone a stranger at work.
“Thanks,” I said. “Hope you feel better soon!”
I finished my filing a bit before noon and went to the door for Mr. Carver’s office. I knew he wasn’t inside, but I knocked anyway.
His desk was littered with papers, pens, and notes. I searched fruitlessly for the lunch list when, finally, from beneath a stack of proposals, I saw the corner of something that looked like a list of names. I pulled it out from beneath the pile but what I found wasn’t a lunch list at all.
My hand went to my mouth in shock. The notepaper was crammed full with the names of women from the office.
At the top it said “The Naughty List,” and then most of the female employee’s names were written next to their alleged crimes and punishments.
The Naughty List
Tiffany Ericksen:
Crime: Skirt too short
Santa’s Punishment: Three hard spankings and a stocking filled to the brim with coal.
Kelly Anderson:
Crime: Made Mrs. Claus jealous
Santa’s Punishment: Have Kelly fondle my chestnuts to give Mrs. Claus a real reason to be jealous.
Sylvia Winters:
Crime: Not enough Christmas spirit
Santa’s Punishment: Get her to show Santa her big baubles, and give her a good stuffing.
The list went on with more names, each detailing their small crimes and the corresponding punishments. Incredulously I was both appalled and excited. Mr. Thomas Carver, who managed to make a convincing impression of Jack Frost, had a dirty mind! Maybe there was some warmth, and dare I say it heat, within him after all.
I searched with giddy anticipation for my name, eager to see what sort of treatment I could expect. After scanning it once and reading it more thoroughly a second time, one thing became glaringly apparent.
There were only thirteen names on the list and not one of them was mine. Maria in billing had an unflattering mole obscuring part of her right cheek. Sylvia one of the other interns, had a crooked tooth. Rebecca who was head of HR had a lazy eye (ok, not really, but she might as well have), but regardless all their names had made the damn list.
They were all wonderful women who’d been nothing but kind to me since I’d started, but that, however, didn’t lessen the ache that clutched at my heart. Once again I was relegated to being a shadow when I was around him.
These were all the women in the office he wanted to sleep with, and I was reduced to being the invisible girl who did nothing more than occupy the desk next near to him.
I was beyond anger. All these years and Tommy still didn’t notice me. And the secret tension I thought we’d shared was baseless—I’d foolishly let my imagination run wild.
I was no one to him.
A bitter laugh echoed around his empty office, surprising even myself as I thought about wanting to add his name to that list.
Thomas Carver
Crime: Being a cold-ass, womanizing prick.
Under punishment, I’d write: “Run him over with a sleigh.”
I was stunned and embarrassed at myself. There I was thinking I was mere moments away from a steamy office affair, and, in reality, he didn’t even think I deserved a spanking. Fine, I thought, trying to bolster my confidence back up. His fucking loss.
I was standing there, fuming, when the office door swung open. I hid the list behind my back.
Tommy stood in the doorway, his imposing frame dark against the pale glass.
“Hey,” he said, somewhat breathless. “What are you doing in here?”
For a second I considered showing him the list and confronting him. Letting loose every single bit of emotion I’d bottled up. Tearing into him with a fierce anger.
But what if he switched the tables and turned his anger back on me? Accused me of snooping? What if he fired me?
Regardless of the perceived flirtation, I still felt on uneven footing with the job, with him… with everything. I now had my eye set on a present for Liv’s Christmas (feeling fairly certain my mother wouldn’t be up to the task). Our neighbor was selling his old Volvo and promised to hang on to it until I could get the rest of the money together (so far I’d only been able to come up with half). With the mortgage and other bills, I knew such a gift was irresponsible. But she needed her own way to get out and be independent, and I wanted her to feel like a proper teenager for once. She deserved to be excited and worry-free. It wasn’t a luxurious car by any means, but it would be just the distraction she needed.
Tommy gave me a quizzical look waiting for my response, perhaps expecting the coy smile and provocative posture I’d been dangling in front of him the last few days to manifest. Instead, my eyes burned at him with unconcealed contempt. I hated him. I hated that I couldn’t throw the list in his face and stage a dramatic exit. Hated that I needed this job and the humiliating reminder that I was nothing and no one to him.
I’d thought things had changed. Damn my foolish heart!
I sighed. To be fair, he hadn’t ever lied to me about his character. He had been a jerk from day one, and he was still a jerk. How was I dumb enough to believe something was happening between us? But, selfishly, I m
ostly hated him for not noticing me, for not wanting me back.
I kept the list hidden behind my back.
“I came to get the lunch orders,” I finally said and stepped away from his desk.
“Oh.” He seemed thrown off and a little flustered. “I have it here; I took it with me by mistake.”
He advanced towards me, and I caught my breath. He glanced at his desk and then at me, and for a second I thought he saw right through me. His eyes narrowed as if trying to decide whether or not to confront me. But the moment passed, and he handed over the lunch orders. I took the notepad from him. This time the list of names didn’t say anything about spankings, though there was mention of a cranberry stuffing. I had to stifle a giggle.
“What’s so funny?” he questioned.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
He glared at me again. “You’re very peculiar, you know?”
“Er… thanks?” I replied completely stumped. “I better get these orders in before it’s too late.” I motioned to move past him, but he put a halting hand up.
“Before you do,” he paused and took a step closer. “Next Friday, the 23rd, I have the Halloway Christmas Party.”
I nodded. I’d already made up his schedule and had seen the party. In fact, I remembered it in particular because I was shocked to see the event on his books.
The Halloway Christmas party was a famous event. Well, at least it was for our small county. The local news tabloids ran stories on it every year. Celebrities and well-known millionaires from the state all attended this quaint and partially famous charity fundraiser. It was an elaborate event for such a small town, and I was surprised to learn Tommy had made the invite list, especially so young.
“Do you need me to arrange a car?” I asked. I cut my words short. My white-knuckled hand curled around the list still hidden behind my back.