I feel myself pulling away, swimming inside the fish bowl of my mind as the eyes that used to love me reek of desperation and disdain. I was never born to be loved. I was born to die. The moment I was birthed into this fucked up world, every insignificant breath that my tiny lungs took, I was taking a step closer to the place that so many have tried to send me.
Hell.
It’s ironic how one can wish for something for years until it is at the doorstep, whispering from behind with the finality of what will be. I may not be known to anyone anywhere, but something deep down in my belly is telling me to fight. The rational part of my thinking that I still hold onto is telling me it is nothing more than dreams, sweet little nothings that will never be, because I thought he loved me once too, but he said goodbye, just like the rest.
Eventually, the memories from the past will come up to the surface. You can either embrace them or let them suffocate you; the same goes with love…
The welcome ghost haunts me, his touch setting fire to my soul, the same soul that belongs to him, only him. The crash and burn of chaos around me goes quiet as the purr of his soft breath tickles my ear, but my lids are too heavy to open and my tongue is too tired to speak. His touch saved me before from the fires of hell, and I will be damned if I don’t let him save me again. I want him to protect me, but I have a feeling something more sinister stands in my way. Some things in Svetlana’s life never seem to change.
Clack. Clack. Clack. The rhythmic sounds from the monitor that I expect are absent and the clicking of metal on metal jets me from the bed with my eyes open, instantly overwhelmed by the light surrounding me. I bring my hands up to shield my eyes from what may be out there. I don’t trust the world. I thought I could trust love after Caesar, look where that ended up. My love was never enough for Mateo, no matter how much I tried to show him, despite how I attempted to be his in every way he needed. Mateo is a man that is bred differently, convinced that love is a fleeting emotion that is never truly felt or deserved. In my mind, for a brief second, I try to rationalize his attempts to kill me from this world. Can I really blame him when I did nothing but beg them to do such things?
My eyes finally adjust to the brightness hugging me, and an emotion I am not familiar with is plaguing me with uncertainty because its realness is false. Why should I feel such security in a place that means nothing? I have no idea where I am, never mind the fact that I could have very well been shuffled away to some other hell for another life that will be determined by none other than me.
The usual buzzing from fluorescent lights is absent along with the sterile scent of alcohol, and my gut and heart almost crave it. I inhale sharply, trying my best to find it, but the stale sense of death that hung so tensely in the air before from the deadly lovers that abandoned me is absent, and all that I am left with is the decency I have always craved. The trust that betrays me is clawing its way to the surface as my body tries to make amends, sinking down onto a soft mattress, different than the usual stiff hospital cot. The soreness from before is still present, but not as profound as before. Fuck, who am I kidding, it has always been there. I’m not sure I would know how to feel if my body were ever in a constant state of health or ease.
I feel a barrier covering my body, confusion bathing me heavier than before, and my eyes glance across the room as I attempt to study my surroundings as my hands dance over my clothed skin. I have never been cared for like this. Is this a joke? This must be a joke. Let them laugh while the little lamb feels safe, then strip her free from her almost-healed skin will cackling at her like the leaper she was born to be.
The walls are white, not sterile or too clean, but comfortable with nothing hanging from any space. The brightness that I am still getting accustomed to is shining through a tiny window, the rays from the sun looking like a dream that I never thought I would see. I look down to the foot of my bed as my eyes dance over the antique-like iron footboard. I try, but fail miserably, to understand what is happening around me.
There is no one that wants me now. Why am I here?
I push the soft, gray comforter from my body, realizing the frown I am wearing as the cotton from my two-piece pink pajama set rubs itself against my healing skin. My mind breaks for reasons that make no sense as my eyes free tears and my lungs explode with fear and longing. Longing for faith and love. Understanding. I stand from the bed, staring, once more, at the soft linen that covers the body that bears the markings of the harshness I was born for. I gulp hard, letting my cries soften slightly as my dark strands fall over my shoulders, the coolness from the sun-burnt orange tiled floors sending jolts of pain through my legs.
Finally, I reach the window, looking out the smudged panes to the vast country-side as random chickens run to and fro in the yard. My tears become whispers, and for the first time in my life, I feel like a girl. My innocence has been stolen. My life has never been lived, and my heart has been shattered before I was ever given a chance to feel.
My revelation consumes me, making the emotional pain too much as I crumple to the chilly floor, crawling to the corner to huddle in a ball just as my body was taught to all that time ago. My pleas for mercy will never waiver. Trained dogs cannot be taught differently. I am a trained whore. Birthed from a no one. Loved by no one. Born to be no one.
I shake my head no at myself, rocking back and forth as his face haunts me. Caesar, the only man that has shown compassion, but what is that worth when he never fought? He didn’t fight like I have. He left me! The newfound anger that grips my heart leaves me disbarred from the idea of ever being normal.
Fuck, who am I kidding? Normal doesn’t exist.
I wipe my eyes, but it’s useless. My tears are trained just as my heart is. They fall and break until I am shattered into nothing. My body and mind have been proficient and used against me. How can I stop this? How do I get these feelings straight? I need life to make sense. I need to find my head again!
I shake back and forth until my back hits the hard wall. I wish for the warmness that surrounds me to disappear. I don’t know how to take it. The cruelty is all that I have been able to deal with and understand. Kind words and sweet gestures were not made for girls like me. Fires, dark alleyways, and blood are what make up my fairytale.
The memories, so awful and sweet, haunt me. Rats, fires, Russians, and The Goodbye Man; my fucking salvation comes to save me.
But his love is forbidden, so he left me.
I scream as loud as I can to free myself from the confines of the murderous and delightful life I had led up until this point. A cold whoosh of air greets my cheeks along with a familiar face.
My heart tells me not to trust him, but my body tells me I have no other choice.
“You take us. I be good to you,” my mother said, cooing to the dark-haired man that gave us warm food and a place to stay.
But he was mad. Very mad, and I was about to see why.
“Please,” I begged, tugging on his jeans.
He smelled like soap and cigarettes. The rough fabric of his pants tickled my little fingers as I pulled harder, pleading with my dark eyes to save us.
Mother’s hands grabbed a hold off my tangled hair and jerked me backwards until my tiny body hit the wall. I tried to cough, but the wind was stuck in my lungs.
“You take me. We leave kid with Pavel.”
It was then, despite other times when I was difficult for Caesar to tolerate, that I understood that he loved me.
“I wouldn’t take you as mine even if you were the last fucking whore on the block.”
His hand met her face, and my mother’s head swung to the side as she cried out pointlessly. His heavy boots made their way to me, and I counted… one, two, three, four, five, waiting for my destiny to find me.
“Go hide in that corner,” Caesar paused, pointing his finger to the side of the room. “Duck your head between your legs, and whatever you do, do not whisper or cry.”
I looked up at him, the same face that saved me then would come
back and save me again. I crawled over to the corner, bringing my skinned knees up to my chest as my head tucked itself between my legs. Down went his zipper and violent cries filled the air. I wouldn’t dare look up to see how my mother was being punished because of her remark. My brain was conditioned to believe that was how everyone lived.
Slap. Punch. Punch.
“You. Will. Never. Fucking. Whisper. Again.”
His words were like ice and fire together, a deadly combination that had you craving more, yet fearful for the next.
Something about that moment sank deep in the crevices of my fucked up mind, tucking itself away for a rainy day until I was ready to lose my shit. My little belly got butterflies. Those were the first ones I ever had. Imagine that, at four-years-old…
Finally, I got enough courage to look up at him, not even giving my mother a care as she laid slumped over stark naked on his couch, which oddly enough, was covered in plastic. He looked at me between panted breaths as he zipped up his jeans, and padded over to my shivering body.
His calloused finger made its way to my dark, matted strands and he pushed them away, then tilted up my chin to look deep into my eyes.
“Don’t worry, Mi Amor. One day you will be safe again.”
Caesar
Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of death
Sleep is like a horror film on repeat. I cannot stop it and it doesn’t ever end, the sounds and visions that curse me as I slumber are a new constant in my life. Them and the pain caused by my burns have a firm grip on me and will never let loose. I don’t know the truth of what ripped me from my hell tonight, but I woke with a startle and the gut sinking feeling that I had just lost something. Svetlana. My heart is hurled off a cliff as I struggle to stretch my stiff body into moving off the bed. Something is wrong with my baby, she’s dying. I am not ready for her to die, I love her too much to say goodbye now. I stop for a minute to accept that thought. I don’t want her to die.
I amble out of the door and look for the shortest way downstairs, I don’t know how long I slept, I have no idea where anyone is in this maze of beds and bodies Mateo has created, but I do know where my baby lies. God help me if I am too late. Why did no one call me, why didn’t they find me? I was looking for Mateo earlier. We need to fix this mess with police and his little blonde obsession. Right this minute though, I am afraid that I might know exactly where to find my psychotic nephew and his sick mind. There is an eerie silence as I enter the small passageway and the beeping of equipment is strangely absent, the tone that should alert me of her life is gone and my heart is slowly breaking open as I stride closer. The door is open, the door shouldn’t be open. Why is her door open? I have the only key. That little fucker.
Noise. The noise sends me off the edge as her hissing sounds meet my ears, his hands wrapped around her little neck, taking her life in his grip. The air escapes her in a madding sound, his whispers of undying love make me into the monster I try to hide, the rage boils and explodes from me in a way I cannot explain. The noises drive me, I am no longer in control as Mateo is hurled from the bed and onto the floor at my feet. My hands are around his neck, throttling him. He splutters and coughs as he tries to pry my hands from his neck. All the while my eyes are glued to her, I scan her chest begging it to move, heave in and out just once so I know I’m not too late to save the love of my life. The love of my life, the one person I finally fall in love with and she is my child. Mateo eventually succumbs to the lack of air and collapses below me, my rage nowhere near gone I drag him by his stupid long hair into the next room and lock him in. He wants to act like an animal I will cage him like one. I hit one of the emergency buttons on the wall on my way to try and get help as I pray to the God that I sin against to save her, I will love her and never let her go if saves her just one more time. The doctor who I left her with comes running around the corner and my eyes meet his; he stops dead. He will be fucking dead, but after he fixes this.
“You!” I scream pointing at him, “Fix this! Now!” I am taking giant strides in his direction and he ducks into the room and out of my direct grasp. When I burst through the doorway he is bent over her listening for breath sound and reconnecting her monitors and IV line.
“You let him in here! Are you crazy? I locked you in for a reason.” I am angry as I yell at the man trying to save my baby again. His eyes water as he looks up at me, his head shaking a little. I feel my heart and body separate as I pull out the gun that is always tucked into my pants and aim it at his small head, my hand shakes unsteadily at the loss of my sweet little angel. The angel of my nightmares. She is mine, the only thing I really have and I won’t just give her up. “Try!” I bark at him the gun trained at his face.
“She - she - she’s alive,” he stutters out, swallowing his fear trying to speak loudly as not to anger me further. “But I don’t know if she will ever be right, this poor girl should have died a hundred times over already. I think he was trying to save her in his own way, boss.”
Bang. I blow his narrow mind out, blood splattering over me and her and the white walls and linens. I climb onto the bed and lay next to her, like he would have done with one of his corpse lovers. I hold my baby in my arms and tell her I will love her forever.
My gunshot has brought people and when I open my teary eyes, Hugo and my fucking mother are standing in the doorway and my recently settled rage returns with a new burst of anger.
“Son, let us go have a talk.” That voice, the devil that makes me lose my mind. So steady like the murder scene doesn’t even affect her in the slightest.
“Vete a la chingada, madre,” I scream at her. I am not ready to let go, I need her to know I love her back. My shame at what I have done has peeled away and been replaced by the overwhelming unconditional love I feel for her; there is still life in her and I am determined to save it.
“You have half an hour to sort this mess and meet me in the office, son. After that I am taking control of the situation that you three idiots have managed to completely fuck up.” Bitter words spill from her mouth, whispering to my mental illness and seeking out the devil in my soul. Turning on her heel, she walks away and I can hear her shoes plodding down the endless passages.
“Where is Mateo?” Hugo asks me, knowing full well this is all because of my nephew. “She wants to see him too.”
“I locked him up next door, leave him in there. I will talk to her first. My nephew needs to learn a fucking lesson. I warned you about your loyalties Hugo. Remember that conversation, because I do. Be careful who you choose to side with in my house.” My threat is clear. He has to choose my mother or me and if he chooses her I will destroy him. I let go of my sweet baby’s body and kiss her cheek softly as I step over the dead doctor. I love her so deeply.
“Go get me another doctor and take him to the furnace room,” I bark at Hugo as he sulks in the doorway, as I point at the man on the floor.
“Do you really love her?” he asks, staring at my daughter's lifeless body where it lies. “I mean, as her father not as a lover.” He clarifies his question and looks at me with genuine concern.
“Yes, I love her Hugo, she is my child.” I love her both ways but I can’t admit that aloud to him, the fact that I dream of feeling her body against mine and lust over her in my daydreams. No, I can’t admit the sin that festers in me, but that's how she feels love so I will never stop as long as she needs it.
“Then I will be with you, but I tell you now, your mother and Mateo are going to try and kill her.” He wipes his brow, and shoves his hands into his pockets. “She already told him to kill her, that he could love her better dead. Madre knows his secrets, she knows he is sick and she will use that against you.” My mother is a whole other sort of monster, calculated, cunning and ruthless. I nod at him, contemplating the best answer as a doctor finally answers his page and comes into the door. He sees his colleague on the floor and I see him start to back step.
“You are in charge of my daughter.” His eyes bug out. “
Yes, my daughter and unless you would like your brains added to this pretty painting, you will not let anything happen to her or anyone near her. If she dies you die, and I'll fetch the rest of your family for spare parts. Do we understand each other?” He nods furiously, muttering as he starts to check her vital signs. He is Asian so I haven’t a clue what he is saying but his head nods over and over as he combs over her, making sure everything is alright.
It’s time to talk to my mother. I step towards Hugo. His face is tired and a little sad as we leave my child behind.
“Hugo, I am going to need certain things after I am done with my mother.” He looks at me with a small smile that only lifts one side of his face.
“A hooker, ten packets of smokes and a shower. Already set it up upstairs for you. I know you Caesar, I have always known you.” He has watched this many times over, he knows I will be a mad man after listening to her. I shake my head at his slight humor in the midst of this chaos, my child has brought complete and utter destruction into my life. She has torn my world and heart apart. As we enter the office, Mateo is sitting next to Madre with a shit eating grin on his face as she scowls at me. In a second any love I had for the boy is converted to pure unadulterated hatred. He wants to kill her so she will be eternally his. Well I gave him to her once, this time he will have to fight me to the death to get her. Mateo isn’t human, he isn’t like us, his feelings are warped and distorted and he lives for death. Well, I live for her now.
“Son, sit down.” My mother motions for the open chair and then glares at Hugo to disappear, this is family and has nothing to do with him. “Now, let’s have chat about this girl that has you two acting like a pack of dogs when the neighborhood bitch is in heat.” She is too calm. She is up to something and I am afraid of what that could be. “Mateo and I were just talking about how smoothly things are going here and how much he has managed to increase the turn around here.” Oh, you mean his dolly collecting. I glare at him, silly boy. “I want him to stay on here and you can come home, continue to heal and run our head office as you were meant to.” Oh, they have it all planned out don’t they?
The Goodbye Girl (Red Market Series Book 2) Page 12