by Joan Jonker
‘You carry me, sunshine?’ Molly kept her face straight even though the faces Nellie was pulling were comical. ‘That would be no mean feat.’
‘I didn’t say nothing about yer feet, girl. Where did yer get that from?’
‘I didn’t mean feet, as in the two things I’ve got at the bottom of me legs. The feat I meant was when someone does an unusual act, sort of thing.’
Nellie threw her hands in the air. ‘I give up. One of us is going daft, girl, and it ain’t me. But before yer go completely gaga, can we bring Stan and Ollie on? They’ve been waiting in the wings and getting impatient.’
‘Hang on a minute.’ Beryl slipped through the yard door and closed it after herself. ‘Wait until I’ve found meself a good speck, so I can see everything without getting in yer way.’
Nellie rubbed her hands together, a huge smile on her chubby face. ‘Let’s get the show on the road, girl.’
‘Sure thing, sunshine.’ Molly was always bucked up by one of her mate’s smiles. ‘Left foot forward and then step back, and sing in harmony.’
‘In the blue ridge mountains of Virginia,
On the trail of the lonesome pine.
In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine
As she carved her name, and I carved mine.’
Nellie moved like an eighteen stone ballerina, so light on her feet she seemed to float just above the ground as she and Molly gave a good imitation of the two much-loved comedians’ well-known routine. And several back doors opened as neighbours left their washtubs to listen. The singing, plus their imagination, put a smile on their faces. It certainly chased away the washday blues.
Beryl watched with hands clasped and body swaying as she sang along with gusto. She would have loved to tag on next to Nellie, but knew she couldn’t watch and take part as well. And watching really was a treat. For Molly and Nellie had the actions and the facial expressions of Laurel and Hardy off to perfection. And the pleasure written on their faces told of their fondness for each other. Theirs was a friendship that no one would ever come between.
When the performance came to an end, the two mates held hands as they bowed to the applause from Beryl and their neighbours, who called for an encore. ‘Sorry, ladies,’ Molly called. ‘But if I don’t get me washing on the line pronto, it’ll put me behind all day. We’ll do it again for yer some other time.’
Beryl followed Molly into the entry. She’d never known anyone like the two mates before. You never knew whether they were serious or acting the goat. But she wished she was one of them. And if Laurel and Hardy had had another partner, she could very well have been.
When Nellie called to Molly’s later, for their usual cup of tea, she was in high spirits. ‘Ay, girl, next time we entertain the neighbours, I think we should sell tickets. Then we could buy ourselves two second-hand men’s suits from the market and dress up.’ She’d had this brainwave while she was hanging a sheet on the clothes line, and really thought it was a brilliant idea. ‘We wouldn’t half look good if we could dress up like them. We’d bring the house down at the party.’
Molly’s eyes widened. ‘Which party is that, sunshine? Nobody has said anything about a party to me.’
Looking the picture of innocence, Nellie said, ‘The party when our Paul gets married.’
‘Your Paul!’ Molly fell back on her chair. ‘I didn’t know he was getting married. Him and Phoebe have only just got engaged.’
‘I know that, girl! He’s too bleeding slow to catch a cold, that’s his problem. But he’s bound to be getting married some time, so we could start looking for second-hand suits so we’ll be ready when the time comes. Ye’re always telling me off for leaving things until the last minute.’
‘Nellie, I’ve only ever said that to yer when ye’re late calling for me to go to the shops. There’s a lot of difference between buying a pound of sausage for the family’s dinner, and two second-hand men’s suits, which would only be worn once.’
Her face deadpan, Nellie answered, ‘They wouldn’t only be worn the once, girl, ’cos we could wear them for the christening party as well.’
‘Which christening party is that, sunshine?’
‘When our Paul and Phoebe get married, girl, that’s when. I know I said our Paul was too slow to catch a cold, but I bet he’s not slow when it comes to making a baby. Not if he takes after his dad, anyway.’
Molly shook her head as though dazed. ‘I don’t believe what I’m hearing. In five minutes flat, yer’ve married yer son off, and made him a father into the bargain! That’s going a bit too far, even by your standards, sunshine. For heaven’s sake don’t mention it in front of Phoebe, she’d die of embarrassment.’ Molly drained her cup. ‘Come on, drink up, Nellie, before yer come up with any more crackpot schemes.’
Nellie put the cup to her mouth, but she didn’t drink from it. She was too busy muttering under her breath that her mate had no sense of humour, imagination or adventure.
When Molly and Nellie entered the butcher’s shop, they were greeted by their neighbour, Ellen Corkhill, who worked behind the counter in the shop. ‘Ye’re late today, ladies. Was the wash load bigger than usual?’
Tony, the owner of the shop, came through from the stockroom. ‘I bet they’ve been jangling over their morning cup of tea. It’s nice for some people, who don’t have to slave all day, like me.’
‘Oh ay, Tony, I know someone who’s worked a lot harder than you.’ Molly put a hand on Nellie’s shoulder. ‘My mate, here, has not only married a son off, she’s made him a father as well. I bet that makes you feel as though yer’ve been working in slow motion.’
‘Is your Paul getting married then, Nellie?’
Nellie’s eyes went to the ceiling as she tutted. ‘Take no notice of this mate of mine, ’cos she’s got a cob on. And all because I wanted to buy a man’s suit each, so we could do our Laurel and Hardy act better.’ She spread her chubby hands as though asking for understanding. ‘Now that’s nothing for her to get her knickers in a twist over, is it?’
Tony winked at his assistant. They were in for a laugh now. ‘I don’t think so, Nellie. It seems to me that Molly is being very unfair to yer. And I’d like to help yer out. I’ve got a suit in me wardrobe what I haven’t worn for ages on account of me expanding waistline. It would fit Molly, so that would be her fixed up as Stan Laurel. And if she’s getting it for nowt, I don’t see how she can complain.’
Nellie glared at him. ‘I’m Stan Laurel, soft lad.’ She jerked her thumb at Molly. ‘She’s Oliver Hardy. So yer wouldn’t be doing me no favours.’
Ellen leaned across the counter. ‘While you two are fighting it out, I’d like a quiet word with Molly. I’ve heard something from a customer that I think she’d want to know about. So you two carry on, and we’ll move down the counter.’ She gave a slight jerk of her head. ‘Come on, Molly, it won’t take a few minutes, and I know yer’d go mad if I didn’t tell yer.’
‘It sounds serious, sunshine.’
‘It is, Molly, and I’m blazing mad, as well as being worried to death.’
Nellie’s ear was twitching. ‘Tell yer what, Tony, why don’t we talk about yer suit another time? For if there’s something going on, like dirty work at the crossroads, then I’ve got to stay by me mate. Yer see, it might be a job for the McDonough and Bennett Private Detective Agency.’ The little woman followed her mate’s example and leaned her elbows on the counter. ‘What’s all the secrecy, Ellen?’
Ellen kept her voice low, and her eyes on the door for customers. Tony was a good boss and she would never take advantage of him. If a few customers came in, she wouldn’t leave him on his own to serve them. He deserved as much for being so good to her over the years. ‘Have yer heard what’s happened to Mrs Parker? The old lady who lives at the back of us?’
Molly shook her head. ‘Why, is she ill?’
Once again Ellen’s eyes went towards the door before she answered. ‘Mrs Clarkson was in before, and she told me Mrs Parker hadn’t been f
eeling well for a few days, so this morning she decided to have a lie-in. She must have been in a deep sleep because she didn’t wake up until eleven o’clock. And when she went downstairs, she found the living room had been ransacked and the front door was wide open.’
Molly’s hand went to her mouth. ‘Oh, the poor thing must have been petrified getting a shock like that. Especially at her age, and her not being well. Was anything stolen?’
‘Whoever it was sneaked in, they must have got nerves of steel,’ Ellen said. ‘They stayed long enough to search every drawer and cupboard. Mrs Clarkson said things have been stolen, but Mrs Parker is too upset to look properly. She said she felt as though the house is dirty now some rotter has been through her things. One item she does know has gone, and she’s breaking her heart over it, is her husband’s fob watch. Yer know he was killed in the First World War, and that was the only thing she had left of his. And she’s treasured it all these years.’
‘What a lousy thing to do to anyone of that age.’ Molly’s anger was rising. ‘The shock is enough to kill her.’
‘I’ll tell yer what, girl, I hope they find the bugger what done it.’ Nellie’s face was red with temper. ‘I’ll strangle him with me bare hands. Has anyone gone to the police to report it?’
‘Mrs Clarkson’s been to the police station,’ Ellen told them. ‘She was in a hurry to be served ’cos she wanted to be with the old lady when the police come. Not that Mrs Parker has been left on her own – all the neighbours are keeping an eye on her. There’s been someone with her all the time, talking to her and making cups of tea.’
Molly stood upright. ‘Serve us quick, will yer, Ellen, and me and Nellie will go there straight from here. We can get the rest of our shopping in this afternoon.’
‘What did yer want, Molly?’
‘I’ll make do with three-quarters of stewing meat, sunshine, and I’ll make a pan of scouse for quickness. Lots of veg and dumplings, it’ll be easy to make and go down a treat.’
Ellen turned to Nellie. ‘And what about you, love? What do you want?’
The little woman clicked her tongue and looked at Ellen as though she’d gone daft. ‘What sort of question is that, soft girl? Yer know damn well I always buy the same as me mate.’
Ellen grinned. ‘Only asking, Nellie! I mean, it’s policy in any shop for the assistant behind the counter to ask a customer what they want to buy. Otherwise, we could spend the day just gazing into their eyes and trying to read their mind.’
Nellie’s eyes narrowed and she touched Molly’s arm. ‘Would you say Ellen was being sarcastic, girl, or is it my bad mind?’
‘I don’t like taking sides, sunshine, but seeing as yer’ve asked for my opinion, then yer can hardly clock me one if I give it to yer. I would say that Ellen was well within her rights to ask yer what yer wanted to buy. After all, Tony pays her to stand behind the counter for that very reason.’
Nellie was all flustered. ‘I’ve been getting the same as you every day for the last twenty years, girl, and she should know that by now.’
Tony leaned over the counter until his face was on a level with Nellie’s ‘For your information, Mrs McDonough, Ellen has only worked here for five years, not twenty. In fact, I didn’t own the shop twenty years ago.’
The heavy bosom was hitched up and the eyes became slits as Nellie pushed her face forward until her nose was almost touching Tony’s. ‘Listen to me, soft lad,’ she hissed. ‘You go and teach yer grandma how to milk ducks. I know yer haven’t been here that long, ’cos me and me mate remember the man what had the shop before you. And a real gent he was too! Wasn’t he, girl?’ She glanced at Molly but didn’t give her a chance to answer. ‘Yeah,’ Nellie repeated, ‘he was a real gent. And he knew a real lady when he saw one, as well. Treated me and Molly like royalty, he did. And he always knocked a penny off anything we were buying. Whether it was a pound of stew or a leg of lamb, he never failed to knock a penny off.’
Molly, who was standing behind her mate, had eyes the size of saucers. ‘In the name of God, Nellie, yer’ve either got a lousy memory, or ye’re very good at making things up. I don’t even remember the name of the man who owned the shop before Tony. But I do remember he was a miserable beggar. A smile would have cracked his face. And as for being a real gent, and very generous, well ye’re miles out! I never looked forward to coming in this shop, ’cos there was never a smile or a greeting. And I don’t know how yer can say he was generous with us, ’cos he was dead tight! He always sold us short, yer know that! At least yer should, for I still have a picture in me mind of you trying to climb over the counter threatening to strangle him. If yer legs hadn’t been so short yer’d have made it, too, ’cos yer were blazing mad. Surely yer remember that, sunshine? Yer caused ructions in the shop.’
Nellie’s smile was a sight to behold. ‘Yeah, I remember that all right, girl. I really had me dander up that day. But it wasn’t me short legs what stopped me getting over the counter, it was me knickers. I couldn’t get me leg up high enough because the elastic had no ruddy give in it.’
Tony could picture the scene in his head. He knew Molly and Nellie very well; they were his favourite customers. He had also seen Nellie in action and was well aware of what she was capable of. ‘Nellie, just so I don’t make the same mistake as my predecessor, and in the knowledge that it is quite possible you are now wearing a larger size in knickers, will yer tell me what the man did to bring about your probably justified anger?’
Nellie gaped. ‘Bloody hell, girl, did yer hear that? He’s either swallowed a dictionary or he made those words up as he went along. Would you mind translating them into plain English for me?’
‘We haven’t got all day, sunshine, ’cos I want to go and see Mrs Parker. So I’ll make it short. Tony wants to know what made yer mad at the man who owned the shop before him. And make it snappy; we’re in a hurry.’
‘Right, snappy it shall be, girl.’ Nellie stood to attention. ‘Me and me mate were as poor as church mice in those days, lad, always counting the pennies. The day Molly’s talking about, we’d asked for four sausage each, which is half a pound. And didn’t the tight-fisted bugger cut half an inch off one of the sausages after he’d weighed them, ’cos he said they’d gone over on the scale.’
‘And had they?’ Tony asked.
‘Had they hell! Me and Molly both had our eyes on the scale because we didn’t trust him. And when I saw him cutting half an inch off one of my sausages, then off Molly’s, well, I saw red. I would have throttled him if I could have got to him.’
‘And that’s it for now,’ Molly said, pulling on her mate’s arm. ‘But so ye’re not left wondering, Tony, I’ll tell yer the end bit. The man really thought Nellie would do him an injury, so he put the two bits of sausage back in the wrapping paper. I imagine he thought it would be cheaper to do that than have Nellie wreck his shop, and him have a heart attack. And now yer know the outcome, we’ll love yer and leave yer.’ She propelled Nellie towards the door. ‘Come on, sunshine, shake a leg.’
The two mates were walking through the door when Tony and Ellen roared with laughter as Nellie answered, ‘I can’t shake a leg, girl. Me knickers will fall down.’
Chapter Two
Nellie was puffing and blowing as her short chubby legs tried to keep up with Molly. ‘In the name of God, girl, will yer slow down a bit? Anyone would think we were running in the Grand National.’ She came to a halt and bent to put her two hands on her knees while she gasped for breath. Then she turned her head sideways and looked up at her mate. ‘If yer want to get rid of me, there’s easier ways to do it. A dose of arsenic would be quicker and much less bleeding painful.’
Trying hard not to smile, Molly said, ‘Ye’re out of condition, girl, that’s your trouble. If yer kept off the custard creams and cream slices, it would help. And doing something a little bit more energetic every day.’
Had she thought before speaking, Molly would have chosen her words more carefully. But it was only when
she saw the sly look in Nellie’s eyes that she realized what she’d let herself in for. By then, of course, it was too late.
‘You can be as energetic as yer like during the day, girl. Do bleeding handstands, or cartwheels for all I care. But yer’ll have to excuse me if I don’t follow suit, ’cos I preserve all me energy for bedtime. Not that I need energy to climb the stairs, ’cos I can be up them in ten seconds flat. The time I need the energy is when I’m in bed, between the sheets. And I’d have a bet with yer that I am more energetic in half an hour than you are in a whole day.’ Nellie took a deep breath and straightened up. ‘So put that in yer pipe and smoke it.’
‘I’m not going to answer yer, or make any comment, sunshine. I’ll leave that to your vivid imagination. But can I ask yer to empty yer head of everything except the task in hand? We are going to see an elderly lady who has been robbed. Naturally she will be very upset, so we need to be kind, caring and sympathetic. No jokes, just sympathy, and help if need be. Is that all right with you?’
‘What d’yer take me for, girl? I’m not as thick as two short planks, yer know. Did yer think I’d go in there singing “Lullaby of Broadway”, and doing the Charleston?’
Molly’s shoulders shook with laughter as she imagined the scene in her mind. ‘It would probably frighten the old lady to death, but it sure would cheer me up.’
Nellie’s face was transformed by a radiant smile. There was nothing she liked better than to cheer her mate up. When Molly was happy, Nellie was happy. ‘I’ll behave meself, girl; I won’t let yer down. We like Mrs Parker, she’s a little love. And if the police find out who robbed her, then he’ll have to answer to us, won’t he?’
‘He’ll have to answer to the police, sunshine.’ Molly linked her mate’s arm and they carried on walking up the street. ‘That’s if they ever catch the blighter.’
‘If they don’t, girl, we could open up the McDonough and Bennett Private Detective Agency. I bet we could find him.’