by Ford, Julie
Josie sat back on her heels, huddled next to the bed. With her head buried into the mattress, she tried to muster the courage needed to take a glimpse of the man whose arms she’d spent the night wrapped in. Remembering Denton from the other night with those young women, Josie hoped that she didn’t…she didn’t want to even think about that. As she crept up slowly, another thought crossed her mind, Patrick! Oh, please don’t let it be Patrick. Josie closed her eyes until her nose touched the top edge on the mattress. She opened one eye at a time and then her head snapped back in shock when she saw that the mysterious man in her bed was, in fact, her husband. Using the bed for support, she pushed her aching body up to standing, watching him carefully, wondering if he was a figment of her imagination.
John was sleeping peacefully on his back, one arm still outstretched to where Josie had been lying, the other resting on his bare abdomen, the sheet revealing just enough for Josie to see that, he too, was without clothing. Taking a few steps back, Josie wrapped her robe tighter around her body, and secured the belt, folding her arms firmly at her waist.
“I had sex with my husband,” she muttered quietly.
After watching John a few seconds longer, she smelled the coffee that brewed automatically in their room every morning and realized that she needed to think. She poured herself a cup and moved out to the balcony. Settling into one of the wicker deck chairs, she took a deep breath, sipped her coffee, and began to piece together the events of the last two days—what she could remember, at least.
Josie’s memories of the bus accident and going back in after that poor woman’s purse finally come flooding back. And then she knew why she felt like she was wearing a cap too tight for her head, and why she had bruised ribs and scraped hands.
She remembered searching frantically through the smoky bus for the tattered handbag. Then, running from the bus, she thought that she’d escaped until… She winced, remembering the biting force that had propelled her through the air just before everything went black.
A bit further back, she remembered the Sea Doos, the campfire, and the crush that Patrick had on her. Trisha’s triumphant expression as she returned from… And then the source of Josie’s anxiety reappeared—John disappearing from the beach with Trisha, and all those uncomfortable faces staring back at her from around the fire.
The muscles in her hand weakened with the realization of her bemusement at seeing John naked in her bed, and she set the cup down on the table before she dropped it.
But deep down Josie knew that Trisha wasn’t the problem. She was merely a symptom. She thought back to the conversation she’d had with John after the golf game. Of course he didn’t know about her history with Lanny’s father, the countries she’d traveled to, or that she had a working relationship with an ex-lover. Why would he? He’d never taken the time to even get to know her. Thinking back with new clarity, it seemed their whole marriage had simply been a sequence of calculated events for John. Marrying the Judge’s daughter, buying the house, having children—all required steps taken in pursuit of his ultimate goal.
Gina was right when she looked around at Josie’s kitchen, littered with food in preparation for a supper—all for the sake of John.
Why am I doing this, staying in this marriage?
Josie saw her mother’s desperate face, pleading with her to think about what she wanted from life. Then, the night of the play, drinking herself half to death as she attempted to dull the pain. And all the times before, growing in frequency as the years wore on, each time losing a bit more of herself.
That’s not who I am! Some pathetic woman, depressed, pining for her husband’s love, his respect!
Josie breathed deliberately when her anger began to seethe, pushing against her tender ribcage as she thought about how much she’d sacrificed. How little she’d gotten back in return. Her hands curled into fists. She relaxed them when her wounds started to burn.
I’ve already given too much, she thought. I will not be used anymore! This ends today.
“Hey, you.”
John’s voice caught her attention.
Josie looked up to see John standing in the doorway. Only, this time, she knew she wasn’t dreaming. She was wide awake.
Wearing his jeans, with the top two buttons undone, John stood with his fingers shoved down into his pockets. His bare muscular chest and arms glistened in the early morning light. His blond hair was tousled about. He wore a wry smile on his lips as he gazed wantonly in her direction.
Josie regarded him a few seconds before speaking. He looked different to her now. But he was the same man. Except today, for the first time since the day she saw him standing awkwardly in her father’s entryway, she felt nothing.
“It’s still early. Why don’t you come on back to bed?” John said, motioning with his head that she follow him back inside.
“Tempting.” Josie smiled disingenuously then said, “Why don’t you come out here? We need to talk.” With her toe, she scooted the chair next to hers out from under the table.
“Talking isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” John said with a smirk and raised brows.
“Right—but talking’s what I have in mind.” Josie marveled at how calm and in control she felt. “Why don’t you grab a cup of coffee and take a seat?”
The smile disappeared from John’s face as he regarded Josie a moment longer. He shrugged. “All right.” After disappearing into the room, he re-emerged with a steaming cup and sat down.
“So, you got me out here, what do you want to talk about?” John took a sip from his coffee, and then setting it down on the table, he reclined back into the chair casually. Waiting.
Josie swallowed hard and then began, “Well, you know how Brian’s been after me to start working full-time—”
John shook his head. “Out of the question!” Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees. “I don’t even know if I want you working with him anymore.”
Josie hesitated after John interrupted, thinking before she spoke again.
John’s dissolute smile returned as he reached forward and separated the fabric of her robe, letting it fall open, exposing her bare legs. Leaning toward her, he held her gaze while he slid his hands over her thighs and up her crossed legs.
The coffee in her empty stomach started to churn with the advancement of John’s fingers. Josie placed her hands firmly on top of his, stopping his progress just short of his goal.
“I wasn’t asking for your permission,” Josie said. “I already took the job. I was just letting you know. That’s all.”
John’s smile hovered on his face as he slid his hands back down her legs. Leaning back into his chair, he regarded her as if waiting for the punch line of a joke.
She reached down and wrapped her robe securely back around her legs.
John’s smile disappeared completely.
“Is this some kind of joke? Cause I gotta to tell ya, I’m not finding it very funny.”
“No, it’s not a joke. I am going full-time.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jocelyn. You can’t work full-time,” John said matter-of-factly. “We’re right in the middle of a campaign. I need you…the kids need you. Have you given any thought to who’s going to care for your children, our home?”
“I thought the campaign wasn’t ‘any of my concern.’” She watched him wince as she threw his words back in his face, and then said, “Let me worry about the kids and the house. Plenty of women do it. I don’t see why I can’t.”
“You don’t need to.” John sounded exasperated. “It’s not like we need the money. I think I’ve provided nicely for you all these years.”
“You’re right, we don’t need the money.” Josie paused, while John agreed with a nod of his head. “But, I need the money.”
“Oh, for the love of God.” He threw his hands up. “What do you need with more money?” And, just like that, the charming John turned into the patronizing John.
Josie held quiet until she was sure she ha
d his full attention. “I want a divorce.” She tried to hide the sigh of relief that escaped when she finally uttered those few, all-important, words.
John sat unmoving for a moment. Josie didn’t even think that he was breathing. “What did you say?” He paused, then laughed cynically. “It sounded like you said you want a divorce?”
“That’s because I did.”
“This is crazy.” He shook his head. “I think that concussion has done something to your brain ’cause you’re not thinking right.”
“My head’s just fine, and this has nothing to do with the accident.”
“Well, whatever’s going on with you I’m not letting this happen. We are not getting a divorce—not now—not ever.” His narrowed eyes locked gazes with hers. His tone was final.
“If it’s the election you’re worried about, I’ll wait until it’s over before I file.”
His words became increasingly harsh. “So, you’ve put some thought into this insanity.”
“I have, and it’s for the best, for everyone.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell ya, darlin, ’cause we ain’t gettin’ no divorce.” Josie noticed the hick in John emerge when she refused to back down. He got up out of his chair. “So you can just get that idea out of your pretty little head. The sooner, the better. I tell you what—you’re the craziest damn woman I’ve ever known.”
“Okay, and now the bullying begins.” Josie used a flat sarcastic tone. “What’s next, scare tactics like your bogus TV ad?”
He looked at her like she was being totally ridiculous. “What?”
“‘A vote for John Bearden is a vote for justice and security in an insecure world’?” Josie made quotation marks with her fingers. “Scaring folks so they’ll be afraid not to vote for you. Well, just so you know, I don’t scare that easy.”
He gaped at her.
Josie stood and faced him. “Again, I’m not asking, I’m telling.” She paused, gathering strength for the next part. “When we get back, I want you to pack your stuff and move out.”
“Why are you doing this?” He shook his head. “I am not leaving my home. I worked hard for it.” Pointing a finger at himself, he said, “I pay the mortgage every month, for heaven’s sake.”
“Come on, John. We both know that you never really loved me.” Saying what she knew everyone had been thinking all these years had Josie’s emotions emerging at last. “How long do you expect me to keep living like this?” Tears burned her eyes. “I can’t be the person you want me to be anymore—that’s not who I am.”
“Just who do you think it is I want you to be?” John’s tone softened, and he looked genuinely confused.
“I don’t know.” Josie took a moment to think. “This proper little house wife…happy just to serve her husband…never thinking for herself, with no dreams of her own. Who goes to church every Sunday even though she doesn’t know why…who drives a damn mini-van.”
“Good Lord, Jocelyn, not again with the mini-van.” He pushed past her and headed inside. “If this is about what you drive, I can buy you a new car.”
“This isn’t about the van, John.” Josie followed him inside. She couldn’t let him avoid this discussion like he had every other time.
“Then, what?” he said, still with his back to her.
“I’ve sacrificed everything for you. My hopes, my dreams, who I am.”
“Yeah—well I’ve made sacrifices too.”
“Really. What exactly?” Josie positioned herself in front of him again, looking him in the eye. “Your career? Your sanity?”
“I’ve made my share.” His tone turned pensive and he averted his gaze.
She could see the culpability in his expression. “Trisha?” Josie said just the one word, then paused, waiting for a reaction. John flinched and she continued. “Because technically, you haven’t had to make many sacrifices in that respect either, have you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about my bracelet that you gave to her, the late nights, the mornings that you come home in the same clothes from the night before, the fact that you haven’t touched me in months.” Josie stopped, choking back her tears. “The other night on the beach. How could you?”
John’s face turned morose. “Jocelyn.” He said her name weakly.
Josie refused to let up. She wanted answers. “Why? Why didn’t you just marry her in the first place?”
“It’s not that simple—there are so many things you don’t understand.”
His words sliced her to the core. Instead of telling her that she was the one he’d chosen, that he’d loved her all along, but got lost, or confused somewhere along the way, he talked about how complicated things were.
He mumbled out some more useless words. “I never meant for you to find out, to get hurt.”
There it was. Josie finally had confirmation straight from “the horse’s mouth.” John was having an affair. Her husband was sleeping with another woman. No more avoidance. No more denial. Josie’s heart started to burn as it ripped apart in her chest.
“Oh, I think I understand.” Josie’s anger surfaced amid her tears. “I’m an idiot! Yeah that’s it…isn’t it?” Yelling now, she continued, “She wouldn’t marry you, would she, so you had to settle for second best?”
“Stop it, Jocelyn!”
“Why wouldn’t she marry you, John?” Josie got up next to his face, daring him to fight back. “You weren’t good enough?”
“I said, ‘stop!’”
“But, you’re good enough now, aren’t you?” Josie shouted. “Successful lawyer and soon to be a judge.”
“Just stop. I said that’s enough!” John grabbed Josie firmly by the shoulders.
“It’s enough all right. When we get home, I want you to pack your things and get the hell out!” Josie jerked away from him, her ribs throbbing from the sudden movement, and backed toward the bathroom. “If you don’t, I’ll have Brian serve you with divorce papers first thing tomorrow morning. We’ll see if Trisha can spin that one in your favor.” Her tears had stopped and only the anger remained. “And don’t think I won’t.”
Tears rimmed John’s eyes. “What about last night, Jocelyn?”
Josie hesitated for a moment before delivering the final blow. “I have no idea what happened last night, but I can tell you if I’d had half a mind, I would have slit my own wrists before letting you touch me.” Her words whipped from her lips like a slap to John’s crestfallen face.
Shooting him one more disdainful sneer, Josie turned, and striding into the bathroom, shut the door behind her.
* * * *
Staying in the shower as long as she possibly could, Josie attempted to wash away every trace of evidence that she had slept with John. The very thought of him touching her made her feel dirty, and she was thankful only faint memories from the night before remained. When Josie emerged from the bathroom, she saw that John had packed his things and disappeared. But this time, she didn’t care where he was.
Looking at the clock, Josie picked up the pace. It’s time to go home, time to start fresh.
Dressed in her new pink and lime green floral skirt, pink sweater set, the cardigan tied around her shoulders, and new strappy sandals, Josie swished her recently-cut hair in the mirror, watching it bounce and then fall easily back into place.
I am never going months without a decent haircut again, she told herself. Life is too short for bad hair and cheap clothes. She finished her thoughts by admiring how well her overpriced island fashions fit to her body.
While it was painful to hear John admit to his affair, Josie felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Living in denial was exhausting, and although her body was tattered and bruised, Josie felt better today than she had in years—too many years.
A knock sounded at the door, and a bellman popped his head in, ready to transport their bags down to the lobby. Grabbing her purse and sunglasses, Josie took one more look around the room that had
been the backdrop for so many changes. Smiling resolutely, she closed the door behind her.
* * * *
John gazed out the aircraft window at the tropical scenery, completely at a loss as to how things with Josie had gone so horribly wrong this morning. Feeling someone easing into the seat next to him, he turned to see Andy regarding him from under a creased brow.
“What’s the matter with you?” Andy asked. “You look like someone just told you that there ain’t no Santa Clause.”
John jumped right in with both feet. “It’s Jocelyn.”
“What’s wrong with her? She looks fine to me.” Andy rubbed his chin, watching as Josie exited the bathroom at the front of the plane and took her seat. “Pretty damn fine, as a matter of fact.”
“She wants a divorce.” John didn’t pull any punches, hoping that his brother had some much-needed answers.
“That’s funny.” Andy snickered. “No really, what’s wrong?”
“She wants me to move out as soon as we get home.”
Andy gave John a closer look. “You’re serious?” He shook his head. “I got to tell ya, this could be bad for the campaign.”
Why doesn’t he seem at all surprised? John regarded his brother’s indifferent expression, wondering if Andy had heard a word he’d said. “My marriage is breaking up, and all you can think about is the campaign?”
Andy backed up. “Okay, what happened?”
“She knows about me and Trisha.”
“Big brother, I have news for you—everyone knows ’bout you and Trisha. The two of you aren’t exactly subtle,” Andy said, almost amused. “If you didn’t want Jocelyn to know, why’d you do Trisha on the beach the other night? You might just as well have pulled up a chair for Jocelyn to watch.”
“That wasn’t my idea,” John said, remembering how Trisha had insisted no one would notice they were gone. How he couldn’t get his mind off Josie and how good it had felt to hold her again. He sighed, thinking how ironic it was that he didn’t even have sex with Trisha that night—he couldn’t go through with it.