by Clover Hart
I order a cosmo from the bartender, and my date slides her designer handbag onto the counter. Also Chanel. It feels like such a long time since I’ve cared about labels or brands.
“So,” I say. “You’ve got a master’s degree in business.”
“I do.” Her lipstick is deep pink. The kind Penny wears is lighter. “I’m currently at a wealth management service — Dewy Adams — but I’m looking to branch out on my own.”
Penny wants to open her own business someday, too.
The cosmo arrives, and my date takes a sip, watching me over the rim. I pry myself out of those grasping thoughts of Penny.
“So,” she says. “You’re in Cherry Valley?”
“You’re familiar with the place?”
“I’ve heard about it. I’ve been meaning to get to some of the wineries, but it always seems that I’m too busy.”
Her leg brushes against mine, and I remember the night of Penny’s party at the Footloose Saloon, when the same thing happened: her leg, my leg, together, flirting, pressing and drawing back. Then it would start all over again. After that, we ended up going back to her place and—
“Barry, have you been to the wineries?” My date, who is not Penny, is stirring her drink, smiling at me.
“No. I mean, yeah. I’ve been to a few of them, but they’re not exactly Napa Valley.”
Now she’s going to ask how I know of Napa Valley and why I moved to a pit like Cherry Valley from the Bay Area. Then we’ll talk about FCT and how I’ve been so busy with work, just like she is. And FCT will remind me of today and how I was such a mental case to everyone because I couldn’t stop thinking about what it felt like to hear Penny tell me the sex was no big deal and that she wanted to leave FCT and … me.
As I take a drink of my martini and signal for another one, I feel more leggy pressure under the bar — a smooth, long, toned thigh against mine. I think of Penny’s leg, and I start to get hard.
For the rest of the night, I don’t stop thinking of Penny or getting hard, even after dinner and more drinks when my date asks me to go back to her place because it’s so nearby and the night is still young. The whole time, I’m thinking of red hair, not blonde, and when my date pounces on me and hauls me to her room, I’m thinking that this is the only way I’ll ever forget about Penny. I need to move on, and this girl is nice and smart and everything I like. She’s absolutely my type.
It’s only afterward, as I lie there feeling hollow, that I know I’m full of it. I’ve got a type, and she’s back in Cherry Valley, wanting nothing to do with a shit like me.
Chapter 26
Penny
It’s snowing lightly. I knew the cold drifts would come back for one last fling, and as a thin blanket of white coats Cherry Valley, I find myself watching the flakes twirl down from the sky through my office window. Things have been quiet around work for the past week — Zach and Barry are at the ever-improving FCT campus more lately, and I know they’re staying after hours to get their other work done here. The only time I really encounter Barry is when I have HR questions, and our phone calls and texts are brief and to the point. It’s better than the last time we saw each other, when we fought in the conference room.
Meanwhile, I’ve started taking a couple of those online business courses he recommended, and I’ve been communicating with an online business meetup group, hoping they’ll be a good influence on me and help me brainstorm some ideas for my future. We met for the first time at a Mexican restaurant in Marloe last weekend, and I was happy to discover that they’re cool people, some of whom are even my age. God, I feel so old lately — sadder but wiser — but I guess that only makes me focus on my impending career more.
When Saturday rolls around, I check in with the group’s message board, then find myself hitting it off with a financial guru named Kelly. We get to chatting about online businesses, and she invites me to a last-minute lunch at the same restaurant the group goes to. She’s energetic, optimistic, and makes me feel as if I’ll be able to leave Cherry Valley behind sooner than I thought. And, believe me, every time I walk by Barry’s empty office, I know that leaving is something I really need to do.
Kelly and I don’t know each other well enough to have exchanged addresses or anything — she only knows I’m interested in developing my own business one day, like so many others in our group. She also doesn’t know that I’m driving out to Marloe from Cherry Valley. Who cares? I could use a good drive.
I put on one of the dresses that I’d shoved to the back of my closet — a classy gray jersey knit. It’s too clingy for the office, and when I wear it for the first time in many weeks, I remember the Penny I used to be, with aspirations of going to Chicago any day now to start my life over. Well, the new Penny is going to do that in another way.
After I pull on my boots and gloves, I get in my little car and drive on the cleared road to the city. Sunshine is fighting the clouds and winning today, making the powdered landscape sparkly and fresh. I park in a structure near Marloe’s business district, then walk through the winter air and over the salted sidewalks to the restaurant where I’m supposed to meet my new friend, who is, by the way, just as savvy in a lot of business things as Barry is.
Maybe I can be her mentee, and I won’t make a mess of it this time.
I walk into the warm place, which smells like tortillas and spices, then wave to Kelly when I see her sitting at a table by the window. She rises from her chair to greet me, and after we hug, I gesture to her fashionable blue velvet hat.
“Cute,” I say.
“Thanks.” We sit. “I saw it in a boutique window on the way here and couldn’t help myself.”
I’m like a freshman in high school sitting at the popular table with the senior student body president, wishing I could be just as effortlessly awesome. My girl crush gets even worse when Kelly takes a book out of her workbag and slides it to me.
“Sheryl Sandberg,” she says. “You know what she did with Facebook. Every woman in business needs to read this.”
See, Barry isn’t the only one who can recommend books. “Thank you. I’ll return it as soon as I can.”
“Oh, don’t bother. I’ve got my own copy.” Kelly points to the menu in front of her. “Have you tried the shrimp ceviche here? It’s to die for.”
Just so it’s not sushi. We order food and drinks, and as we wait, Kelly gets out her phone and swipes over the screen. “Almost forgot — here’s a link for some articles you’ll want to read about how to build an online shop in this competitive world. I’ve read them all. You’re thinking about selling quirky, one-of-a-kind things, am I right?”
“That’s the dream.”
As Kelly starts to tell me about plans for her own business, some of which is based online, my mind drifts like the snow. But only for a second. It’s just that I still find myself thinking of how Barry used to enjoy giving me books to read and how he would push me to go the next step. Thoughts like these hurt, because I really was hoping he’d be a good guy, even though I truly knew I’d never meet the expectations of one of those.
I sigh, and Kelly looks at me with the kind of savvy a businesswoman should have. “You weren’t listening.”
“Oh, but I was. It’s just that my head’s been in the clouds lately. Really gray clouds.”
“You do seem sad, Penny. I noticed it during the meetup, but every time you frowned, you always seemed to make a great effort to brush it off. That’s when I thought to myself, ‘Now, here’s someone I’d like to be friends with.’ I need stronger people in my life.”
And I need a certain person, even though I won’t ever have him.
“Why don’t you just tell me about those gray clouds?” she asks.
“I shouldn’t bore you with my issues.” I smooth down the napkin in my lap as the server brings us water, fresh chips, and two kinds of salsa. “We’re here because I want to pick your brilliant business brain.”
She motions to me. Go for it.
I sigh again.
“Some businesswoman I am. I had a crush on my boss. I kept it under wraps from the world at large, but …” I’m embarrassed to continue.
“Yikes, you do not want to go there. And you know where else you don’t want to go? Online dating.” She sighs in what seems like disappointment. Then she takes off her velvet cap and lets her blonde hair spill out. She tucks the hat into her designer purse. “I meet guys online all the time, some better than others. Not long ago I went for drinks and dinner with someone I thought would be a great catch. He was that cocky type, and I must say that arrogance does something for me. But he was a little distant, like there was something going on with him, and my feminine instincts started to meow. I can’t stand to see a guy who’s sad.”
The server brings our drinks — a sangria for me, a cosmopolitan for her.
I take my cocktail in hand. “Why do I sense this story doesn’t have a happy ending?”
“I wouldn’t say it was unhappy. We had fun. I had my way with him. But I was pretty sure he wasn’t that into it.” She sighs again and dips a chip in the salsa. “I never heard from him again.”
A bad-news guy, I think. “Believe me, I’ve been right there with you.”
Kelly munches on her chip as I think about the fun I used to have with my own bad-news Barry when I had my own way with him. Unlike Kelly’s guy, he was into it, at least temporarily. He would even do things like tuck my hair back from my face during an intimate moment, or get a strange look in his eyes the morning after I kissed him silly in the office, or get really quiet after I told him that I’m leaving town…
I put my sangria down without drinking it. Was I projecting my own feelings onto Barry or …?
Something hops in my chest. I think Barry actually liked me. Is it possible that he still does?
Just as I start to smile and come out of my funk, Kelly goes on.
“This guy was an asshole Silicon Valley type. I wish he’d stayed on the West Coast.”
My stomach fists up. A Silicon Valley type? Just how many of those are there around here? “Where does this guy live?” Please say Marloe.
“Cherry Valley. He’s a partner in that tech startup there.”
Now I fully want to throw up, because … asshole tech type. Arrogant. Cherry Valley.
“What’s his name?” I ask softly.
The answer comes in nightmare slow motion: Baaarrryyy.
In the same warped time, I find myself sinking back in my chair. My stomach is pure, gurgling acid. As Kelly continues about other men on her dating app, my mind is thick, swampy. Barry. Holy shit, how stupid am I? He’s not a good guy — that bastard was obviously seeing other women on that dating app while he was with me, wasn’t he? And he used Kelly, just like guys used to hang me out to dry in the past. And here I thought I’d sensed some emotion in him …
Tears clog my throat, and I bunch up the napkin in my lap so Kelly can’t see how angry and devastated and humiliated I am. Barry never liked me. He only knew what to say to get laid.
He’s actually way more of a dog than I thought.
As the ceviche is served, I don’t say a word to Kelly. She only chats away, and I nod and smile, holding back the tears and biting the inside of my lip until a thankful numbness sets in.
Chapter 27
Barry
Another Monday, another fun day.
Bullshit. It’s actually not so fun to walk by Penny’s office and see her making such an obvious effort not to pay attention to anything going on outside of it. I notice that she’s still friendly with the other employees — the coders, the action team, the growing support staff — but I might as well be a ghost except for the occasional email she’ll send about one HR matter or another. It’s almost like she hates me. But there’s also another possibility for her remoteness: she’s already planning to move away. Maybe she’s even met someone, and that’s why she’s avoiding me so strenuously.
The mere thought puts a scowl on my face. I know I deserve whatever life deals me, because instead of manning up and just telling her the truth about my feelings, I let fear get in the way. No one likes to get their hopes up only to be rejected, and I’ve made damned certain that it hasn’t happened to me since I was in high school, getting the brushoff left and right from girls and being told what a geek I was from everyone else. As a consequence, I’ve been edgy with Penny, and now she’s doing the same with me.
Today, I’m clearing my mind and getting away from the offices altogether, reporting to the FCT campus instead. The snow has recently backed off and construction is clipping along nicely again on the annex structures. I’m able to double check the electrical and wiring work that’s just been done in the main building, and I also inspect the connectivity, because we’ll be ready for the present staff to move in here soon.
Afterward, Zach meets me in the main lobby, where the wood floors have been installed and glass workers from town are carefully adding the stained-glass cherries that will trim the windows. We both look around at the materialization of FCT’s future. At least I can do something right, and that something is this company.
Zach looks at me. “Everything’s turning out the way we thought it would.”
Well, it was, until Penny.
I take my phone out, just for a diversion. Then I remember that I deleted my dating apps after that last date in Marloe with the girl whose name I can’t remember. Instead, I access the beta version of a phase-two mixed reality app that we’ve been working on: it allows tourists to learn about the town of Cherry Valley while they actually visit it.
“Barry,” Zach says. “Something’s making you really unhappy. I can tell because you haven’t insulted me for about a week now.”
“Everyone is born with only so many insults to give out, and I evidently reached my limit.” I’ve lost the energy to do a lot of the things I used to do.
I walk away from Zach, because, once again, he’s clearly sensing something about me that I can’t afford to reveal. But if I’m being that damned obvious about my so-called broken heart, does Penny see it too? When is the fucking thing going to go away?
Once I walk outside, the cool air can’t even push away the shit I’m dealing with. I’ve got a terrible hunch that this thing with Penny is never going away, and I can’t go on like this, wanting to talk to her, being totally unable to, seeing her every day while she doesn’t see me.
I’ve got to do something, even if it ruins everything, and in a moment of insanity, I dig out my company phone and send her an IM.
Can we talk after work?
As I wait for a response, nerves saw through me, and I regret my impulsive move. Then she answers.
Sure, boss.
Her message is cool, to the point, and wrapped up in a reminder of what we barely are to each other nowadays.
The hours inch by, and I only return to the temporary offices on Main Street after work ends and the building is deserted. I double check to make sure no one is around while going from room to room, then I finally land in Penny’s office. She’s sitting on her overstuffed sofa while reading a hiring application on her tablet. When she sees me, she puts the device aside and stands. Her Puritan dress is killing me, right along with those boots and the big outdoor coat she already has on. I’ve never wanted a woman more.
“How can I help you?” she asks casually, but the detachment in her voice and eyes is clear.
I almost make up some excuse for my being here, but that’s what High School Barry would’ve done. He would’ve slunk around the question and buried himself in books. Fuck, I’m not that kid, and I’m not going to keep getting beat up by these damned emotions I keep having. I’m going to lay it all out on the line.
“Penny, there’s something that …”
I trail off as I notice that the coldness in her gaze is slow-burning to something else, and it’s not the I-want-you-now heat that I’ve seen in her before. It’s dangerous, full of anger and frustration and … betrayal?
She starts to shake her head at s
omething I haven’t even said yet. I push my hands into the front pockets of my jeans, bracing myself for whatever’s coming. I have no idea what I did to her this time, but it must be bad.
“You,” she says in a strangled whisper. “You scumbag.”
I’ve been called much worse, but my skin prickles anyway, because this is Penny. She’s on the edge of tears, and all I really want to do is go to her, smooth her hair back, and pull her against me so she knows there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make every bad thing go away, even if the bad thing is me.
Her eyes are glossy. “I’ve never been this angry with or … God, this disappointed in … any guy. And that’s saying a whole damned lot.”
I take a hand out of my pocket and helplessly lift it. “Penny—”
“I know. You’re only here to ask why I’ve been giving you the cold shoulder, aren’t you? You messaged me because you’re probably thinking that, whatever’s going on with me, Mr. Barry Uberpenis Aaronson can swoop right back in to Stupid Penny’s life and heat her right back up again. Then we’ll just go back to ignoring each other. It’s all good.”
“I—”
Penny clenches her teeth. “Do me a favor. Reach back into your mind. Search through all the names of those women you’ve slept with, especially recently.”
Uh-oh.
“Look at that! He’s getting something!” Penny gasps sarcastically, and a tear quickly rolls from one of her eyes down her cheek. She ignores it. “Maybe the name ‘Kelly’ is ringing a bell?”
Kelly. Now I remember — she’s the master’s degree in heels from Marloe. “How do you know about that?”
Penny laughs cuttingly. “Well, at least he isn’t lying about it.”
I bristle. “I’m right here in the room, so you can talk directly to me.” I know that I slept with Kelly, but it was after Penny dumped me. It’s further evidence that I’m a cretin, but I deleted all those dating apps after Kelly, and if that isn’t a sign of regret, I don’t know what is.