by Clover Hart
He motions toward my cider again, and I drink. I’m warming up to the fire in the fireplace, the cider, and even Muscles, because I have nowhere else to go.
“Here’s the thing,” he says. “People fuck with you here, too, but only for fun, and then they’ll take you out and get you drunk.”
An unexpected laugh busts out of me. He laughs with me.
“See,” he says. “All you have to do is calm down, give folks a chance, and not be an ass about it.”
After that bit of bartender wisdom, he points at me like we’re amigos and goes off to close the tabs of the other customers. I let what he said sink in, and for now, it’s enough to cover all the numbness and pain from Penny. Come tomorrow, I’ll have to go back to Cherry Valley with or without her there, and I can’t do it the way I have been doing it — walking around like I’m too good for the place.
Maybe I should start picking up the pieces of myself here, and when I go back, then I’ll deal with Penny. If she’s even around.
By the time Muscles returns, I’m the only one in the brewery, and he settles in for a chat. Turns out his name is Chuck and he lives just up the road a few miles. Turns out he came here from Tampa Bay years ago and he used to think everyone in the vicinity was a jackoff or redneck, but then he opened this brewery and found enlightenment. When our conversation lags, I realize that it must be well past closing time and I haven’t even made it all the way through one cider.
“I should let you get some shuteye.” I slide off my barstool. “What’s the damage?”
“Cider’s on the house, my friend. You looked like you needed some company and a few sips when you walked in here. I’ve been where you are, and whatever it is that ails you, I’ll bet you’re gonna have it covered. Got me?”
“Got you.”
I can’t believe a stranger sensed all this about me. My family doesn’t even have that talent. Yeah, I had my guard down tonight, but not all the way. Zach can be pretty perceptive because he’s spent so much time with me, but Penny is usually the only one who can see right through all the brick and mortar. Not that I want to date Chuck or anything, but, like Penny, he was right about me. Maybe, thanks to the work she’s done on me, things have already started to change. And maybe if there’re people who fuck around with me whenever I decide to let my walls down, they’ll just do as Chuck says and get me drunk. I can do the same with them.
It could happen.
As Chuck goes off to close out the register, I grab some cash out of my sport coat, then give him a big, fat tip. I leave with a wave. My New York skin, which has stayed so thick throughout the years, feels the cold outside, and I shiver. But I like that I’m fully feeling something again as I get into the car and start up the heater.
Before I go, I get out my phone and, after ignoring all the messages from Zach that I’ll deal with soon enough, I make a call that I should’ve made long before tonight.
Chapter 30
Penny
I wake up when it’s still dark out, and when I taste the dry aftermath of too many whiskeys, I groan. I roll over in bed to look at my clock. 4:07 a.m.
There’s no way I’m going into work today.
I feel like I’ve been scraped off the bottom of a boot, and not just because of the cheap liquor. I’m still hurting from Barry, and the thought of seeing him in the office almost makes me want another drink, just so I can spend the day in Whinyburg, population: me.
Even though it’s early, I fumble for my work phone on the nightstand, then dial Zach’s number. The call goes straight to his voicemail.
“Zach?” I sound like the living dead. “I’m sicker than a dog, so I won’t be coming in today. I …” What am I going to do — apologize for making him as uncomfortable as he no doubt was after hearing Barry and I air our dirty laundry? I clear my throat and quickly say, “I’m just sorry.”
I hang up, and before I put the phone back, I squint and notice a couple of texts on my personal phone. One message came through last night while I was at the saloon. I guess I was too busy downing shots at the bar and bitching to Gwen about men as she drank a cola and read a book on her phone whenever I wasn’t gabbing at her. The other text is only a couple of hours old, and it’s from Grace.
You feeling okay?
She probably wants to know if I’m finally dead from all the terminal bellyaching I did last night to her, too. I never mentioned Barry’s name, but I kind of remember saying things like slutty donkey, arrogant asshole, and that pecker and his dating apps, so she and Gwen might have a good idea who I’m talking about.
I text Grace back. I’m good but really tired. Thanks for listening to my big mouth running all over the place last night.
After I send it, I look at the earlier text, which is from Kelly. A pang hits me hard as I recall that the slutty donkey slept with her.
Lunch sometime? I’ve been thinking about your online business, and I have some ideas!
My online business. If there’s even one glimmer of hope in my dark soul, it’s this. On a whim, I text back:
How about today?
Then I fall back into bed, determined to conquer this hangover, put Barry in cold storage, and move the hell on so that I’m far, far away from him.
By the time the pasta is served at the Italian restaurant where I’ve met Kelly in Marloe, I’m full of water, ibuprofen, Gatorade, and coffee. Now that I’ve drowned out my hangover, I realize it wasn’t the booze that had me feeling so terrible — I was sick over Barry. I still am.
Every time I think of him, I get queasy, but oddly enough, being here with Kelly helps. She’s having an extended lunch hour away from her nearby office, and she’s already gone over a checklist she made for me. How to Prepare Penny’s Quirky Online Shop, she calls it, and I’m actually excited. My glimmer of hope is expanding into a full-fledged sparkle.
Still, there’s something else I want to talk to her about, because if there’s anyone in the world who might understand what an asshat Barry is, she’s it. He worked her over, too, so I’m going to tell her all about my story. I just need to gather my scrambled guts together first.
Kelly has already wrangled up some spaghetti noodles with a fork and spoon, so I let her take a bite. Then I laugh as if what I’m about to say is no huge deal.
“Funny thing. There’s something I didn’t tell you the last time we had lunch.”
She swallows her food and watches me as I merely play with my fettuccini. “You say this as if there’s some drama ahead. Is there?”
“Oh, no.” I try to seem super chill as I jam my fork into my grub. “No drama, just irony, really. That guy you talked about? The one who blew you off after your online date?”
“Barry.”
I flinch slightly, but then I laugh again to cover it up. “Yeah, Barry. I actually know him.”
I knew him more than once, as a matter of fact. But I’m getting to that.
“Ah, yes, Barry,” Kelly says with her own laugh. Then she shrugs. “I was a little bummed out with him last time, but I’m over it.”
What’s that? She’s over it? But I’m not, and I want her to be as furious at him as I am. I want her to help me tear him apart until he’s in as many pieces as these noodles on the dish in front of me. But Kelly has already grabbed her phone, and now she’s showing me a picture of some guy with clipped brown hair, kind eyes, and a swanky smile.
“I met someone,” she says. “His name’s Dave, and he’s an entrepreneur who likes sailing and weekend getaways. I learned my lesson from Barry, so I’m taking things slower this time. I think it’s actually going to happen with this one.” Smiling giddily, she sets down the phone, but Dave’s picture still looks up at Kelly as if he’s only got eyes for her. Then she pulls herself away from him to look at me. “And there’s another reason I can’t be bothered with Barry anymore. Oddly enough, he called me late last night to apologize for his behavior.”
There’s a clank, and it’s not because my jaw has hit the table. I dropped my
fork, and I’m not bothering to pick it up again.
Kelly goes on. “I could tell Barry was really disturbed about something, so I didn’t give him a hard time when he called. It was the opposite — I appreciated his honesty when he told me he liked me but had feelings for someone else. That’s why he didn’t follow up on our date.”
Feelings for someone else. My heartbeat is bucking. Could it be …?
No, I’m not going to do this to myself again. I’m not going to wonder if I’m the one Barry meant, because knowing him, he could’ve been referring to anybody from one of his dating apps. But then I remember the nervous look on his face last night when he came to talk to me, the way he asked me to just hear him out when I wasn’t doing any such thing because I was in agony about Kelly.
He phoned her to apologize and tell her that there’s someone else.
I get a little warm, because, wow, calling her to explain why he ditched her was a stand-up thing to do.
There’s something bright and tiny in my chest that’s slowly spinning around, kind of like the dancer that used to spring up in my jewelry box whenever I would open it as a little girl. Feelings for someone else …
Throughout the rest of lunch, I don’t say anything else to Kelly about Barry, mainly because she’s gushing about Dave. Meanwhile, that something keeps whirling through my chest, even after I leave the restaurant and walk blindly back to my car. Am I getting my hopes up again? Am I setting myself up for an even bigger fall if I allow myself to admit, once and for all, how I feel about him?
Then my phone rings with that song “Mandy,” and the dancer pauses. My brain flashes the image of Zach standing in the hallway last night after I ran away from Barry. Did Zach get up the guts to tell my sister about what he must’ve overheard?
City traffic clogs the street next to me, and I tiptoe to the entrance of a glass building as I tentatively answer the phone.
“Hi?”
“Penny.”
Yeah, she knows.
The traffic continues to go by. People walk past me, giving me strange looks as Mandy rakes me over the coals.
“I thought you were leaving jerks behind, and here you are, mixing it up with the biggest one of all! I just … everything was going so well for you, Pen. What were you thinking, getting with that asshole?”
Feelings for someone else …
Barry could have feelings for me.
Hazily, I hear myself speaking, my voice firm. “Don’t say that about him, Mandy.”
There’s a stunned silence on her end, but she can’t be any more surprised than I am. My heartbeat is louder, faster, and something protective is tightening up in me. I think about Barry’s cactus-y walls, the defense mechanisms he’s had to build over the years because of being a geeky kid and the black sheep of the family. Last night, he even had to fight off me and my bitterness. No one ever truly sticks up for Barry but himself. If I’m right about what Kelly said about him having feelings for someone and that someone happens to be me, then maybe I should be the cactus for him now.
“Penny?” Mandy says again.
Now there’s heat in my throat, making my voice thick. “Barry might be an asshole, but …” Just say it! “He’s my asshole.”
Wait.
“Okay.” I fold my arms in front of my chest. “That didn’t come out quite right. What I mean to say is that I don’t like to hear you talking about him that way.”
“Pen—”
“Maybe he’s prickly and cocky, but there’s something about him I … like.” I can’t think about how like is probably not what I mean. “I walked into this thing with Barry with my eyes wide open. I gave into his strangely appealing charm. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker, even though I put my job at risk. And you know what? He’s not even such a bad guy after all.”
I’m reeling from what I just pronounced. I went to the freakin’ mat for him. But what if I am wrong, and Barry actually has feelings for someone else? How stupid will I be then?
Mandy’s voice softens. “Damn.”
“Damn what?” I’m still defensive.
“Damn, you sound …” I can almost see her shaking her head, searching for words. “You’re really into him.”
I bite my lip, wishing I didn’t feel like crying.
“Oh, Penny.” She laughs sadly. “You know that, don’t you?”
Maybe I do. Shit, yes. Yes, I do.
Mandy goes on. “I care about you and want what’s best for you. I’m only confused about this.”
“You’re confused?” Now my throat really aches, dammit.
“I don’t want you to get hurt yet again. With Barry. Good heavens, Barry.”
“He’s really not what you think. There’s a lot more there.” And I’m scared to go back to Cherry Valley to see if I’m right.
After I make Mandy promise not to tell even Zach what I said, I quietly hang up, then start walking toward my car. Meanwhile, that little dancer in me stays still, not knowing her next move.
Chapter 31
Barry
I’m about to meet Zach in Jamboree Park during our lunch hour.
As I wait for him on a bench, the bare oak tree branches cast shadows on the winter grass where bits of snow cling. The central fountain is dry, and its statue of the town founder’s wife is frozen in place, her face to the sun. The founder’s Tudor-style house anchors one end of the park while the perennial flower garden tended by the ladies’ auxiliary is planted on the other. Old Victorian houses line the sides of the square, and one of them is Zach’s now. Boutique shops and the library are near the picnic tables where old folks come to play chess during the afternoon. Miss Carney, the woman who rented Zach and me rooms in her old Victorian when we first got here, is immersed in a game with her flame, Mr. Doughte. They’re cute, but I can’t look at them too long or I start thinking about women and men and how some of them are meant to be together and some aren’t.
Late last night, after I called Kelly so I could clear my conscience and move on, I texted Zach. I said that I needed to get my shit together before the two of us talked, then told him to go ahead and tell Mandy whatever he needed to tell her and that we should meet after both of us cooled off sufficiently. He agreed. When I found out that Penny called in sick, I went to work at the FCT campus because, at that point, I still wasn’t ready to see Zach.
Now he’s walking toward me. As he silently comes to the bench and sits down, I start talking without any preamble. I tell him almost everything — how Penny and I got together after her going away party, how hard it was for me to hire her and work with her at FCT, how we thought it’d be a good idea to keep everything quiet only to fall into bed again. All the while he hunches over with his forearms braced on his thighs, listening with his head down.
He finally adjusts his glasses and sits up, peering at the chess people playing their games. “Okay.”
Just okay?
He continues. “I told Mandy what I knew. First thing this morning, she could tell something was up, because she could see it all over me. I managed not to spill the beans then, but I only lasted until I dropped by the coffeehouse and she wheedled the information out of me. I wanted to give you a fair chance to explain to me what happened but, right now, she’s probably on the phone with Penny because she has questions.”
Penny. The sound of her name twists me up. “Would I be less of a rat if I told you that I feel something for Penny? That she’s different from anyone I’ve ever been with?”
“Is she?”
“I think I’m in love, man.” I swallow. “No, I know I am.”
I blow out a breath, because I finally admitted it, even to myself. It’s a relief, but it’s also a much greater weight on my chest because Penny can’t stand me.
I can feel Zach look away from the chess games and right at me. “In love. You. With Penny.”
I shrug, but the weight of his words doesn’t fall off. In fact, second by second, it feels heavier.
Zach fixes his gaze bac
k on Miss Carney and Mr. Doughte again, nodding slightly. “I knew there was something going on with you, but …. Shit, how did I miss this?”
“I told you — we kept it quiet. We didn’t make a thing of it, because we didn’t think it was a thing. Turns out it was, at least for me, and I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t.”
“You’re truly not bullshitting me, are you?”
I shake my head, then finally look him in the eyes. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that there’s something in Zach that’s proud of me, like he’s been hoping I would someday clear this hurdle and join the rest of humanity, and here I am. Then his gaze clouds as if he’s also a little sad.
Right. Because he was there to hear every harsh thing Penny said to me last night.
I shrug again. “My damned luck, huh? I’m just about to reveal my soul to the woman I love, and she tears me a new one.”
“Because she thinks you slept with another woman.”
“I did, but not when I was with Penny.”
“So I heard.”
I don’t let my gaze waver from his. “I’m really sorry about this, Zach.”
“Sorry?” He laughs. “I’m sorry, too. If you could’ve just come to me one day and said, ‘Hey, Hamilton, I’ve got this issue, and I’d really like your feedback on it,’ then we might not be sitting here in a park with hangdog faces. I should’ve been around for you, Barry, but I’ve been neck deep in FCT and—”
“Balls deep in something else.” He can’t deny that he’s been all about Mandy lately, but that’s hardly the problem. We both sigh, and I say, “This is on me, Zach, not you.”
“Well, somehow we’re going to fix this.”
It’s as if I’ve been holding my breath for days, and hearing my business partner and best friend say that lets all of the stress out. Well, almost all … just because Zach wants to fix something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I don’t even know if whatever kind of relationship I had with Penny is fixable.