“Shut the fuck up!” the cop replied. He clapped the cuffs on, and stuffed him into the back of the cruiser.
Chapter 27
An hour later, Ready and Susan approached a stony clearing at the top of the mountain. They were breathing heavily.
“See,” Ready said. “It wasn’t that hard.”
“That was more than ten minutes,” Susan said.
“Yeah, but we’re here.”
Susan looked out at the broad vista before them, where the narrow strip of Route 1 traced the edge of the shining Pacific. At the southern edge of Santa Barbara, the road drifted inland and the traffic snaked silently through the turn at the harbor.
“I come up here sometimes when I need some perspective,” Ready said as they sat on a rock.
“You come up with your friends?”
“No,” Ready said. “I don’t really have any friends.”
“Why not?”
Ready shrugged. “They’ve all moved on. They have jobs and stuff.”
“You have a job,” Susan said.
“Kind of. But I’m not sitting in an office from nine to five. And some of my friends moved to different cities. Some of them are getting married. Our lives aren’t the same anymore.”
“You look sad when you say that.”
“Do I?” He thought for a moment. “Sometimes I don’t know where my life is going. I heard this song on the radio the other day. Running on Empty.”
“Jackson Browne,” Susan said.
“Is that who sings it? It describes my life.”
The two of them sat watching the city in silence. After a while, Ready said, “You see how small the city is from here? It seems big when we’re in it, but from up here, it’s just a little spot in a very big world. And all our troubles are wrapped up in there. In that little place.” He drew a circle around the city with his finger.
“That’s poetic, Warren. You surprise me.”
“Because you think I’m dumb.”
“I never said that.”
“You did. You said it with your eyes the first time we met. And you said it when you asked if I’d ever thought of modeling.”
“I don’t really think you’re stupid,” Susan said. “I mean, you have to admit, you have your moments. Like when you looked at my dress and called it a skirt.”
“That was just nerves,” Ready said. “I was hung over, and you were measuring me with that stare of yours.”
“I do stare,” Susan said. “It puts people off sometimes.”
“People have made those insinuations my whole life,” Ready said. “‘Oh, there’s the good-looking kid who’s not too bright. Maybe he’ll be an actor someday.’ When you hear that enough times, you start to believe it. You’re one of those pretty, hollow shells little girls pick up on the beach.”
“Warren, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way,” Susan said.
“Gets me laid a lot though.”
“I believe it.”
“A lot!”
“I get it, Warren.”
“How are you holding up?” Ready asked.
“OK right now. I’m mostly just tired. But it’s good to be out in the air and sun. I’m glad you brought me here.” Susan paused, then added, “I had lunch with my lawyer the other day.”
“How’d that go?” Ready asked.
“Good and bad. I mean, he said we’d be in good shape if we could get more evidence from Will’s phone or his computer. And then you brought me plenty of that. But that stuff was hard to look at, Warren. It really hurt. And the lawyers will have to get it all again, legally, through discovery.” She paused a moment, as if reviewing the images again in her mind. “I’m going to leave him. I didn’t ever think it would be this hard, but I have to do it.”
“Do you ever waver?”
“Sometimes. But I know it’s over. You know, my lawyer hinted at the same thing as the note you gave me. He told me he thought Will’s been doing things that could bring us a lot of trouble. But I’m just trying to keep my head out of all that right now. I have so much on my mind already. It’s hard to leave a life you’ve lived for so long. Even when you really want to.”
“I know,” Ready said.
Susan looked him in the eyes and nodded. “I thought you would.”
Ready turned away from her and picked up a handful of stones and threw them down the mountain one at a time. For the next few minutes, he wouldn’t look at her.
“You want to start walking back?” he asked, after the last stone was gone.
“We just got here,” Susan said.
“I want to go,” Ready said.
“Did I upset you?”
Ready got up and started back toward the car without answering her.
“That’s it?” Susan asked. “We’re leaving?” He still didn’t respond, so she got up and walked after him.
Forty minutes later, they were still walking. Susan was several steps behind him, carrying her shoes. Her face was red as she asked with annoyance and frustration, “Where is the car, Warren? I thought you said you’ve been here before.”
“I have,” said Ready. “Just not on this trail.”
“Well why don’t you stick to the trails you know? Why did you drag me out here? You know I haven’t slept. And now I’m hot, and I’m tired, and I’m hungry. My feet hurt, and you can’t even find the fucking car.”
He turned and said, “I’m trying, OK? I’m doing my best.”
“Goddammit, Warren,” she said, struggling to control her frustration. “You’re a kind man, and you’re a good man, and I would hold on to you forever if only you had a fucking brain in your head.”
He froze and she instantly regretted her words. She was about to apologize when he said, “That’s one of nicest things anyone has ever said to me.”
“That you have no brain?”
“That you’d hold on to me forever.”
Disarmed by his response, her frustration melted away. She kissed him and held his hand for the next few minutes until they found the car.
They drove straight back to the hotel, and she looked anxious and forlorn when he dropped her off. He felt guilty leaving her alone, but he wanted to drink.
“Don’t you want to come up to the room?” Susan asked.
“No,” Ready said. “I have some things to do.”
She thought of asking again, but instead she said, “OK, Warren. Take care of yourself. And thank you.”
Ready drove to the sports bar and planted himself in front of the taps. Two hours later, Omar arrived.
“Man, you’re already drunk,” Omar said.
“I’m working on it,” said Ready.
“Hey, that woman in the elevator… she the one that hired you?”
“She’s the one,” Ready said. “Her name is Susan.”
“She’s pretty. You didn’t tell me that part. A pretty married woman in trouble?” Omar shook his head. “You’re askin’ for trouble man. Just beggin’ for it.”
Ready shrugged.
“You two, uh…?”
“No,” said Ready. “I’m seeing someone else.”
“Who?” Omar asked.
“Her husband’s mistress.”
Omar stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and said, “You’re just about as dumb as I thought you were. You’ll probably be snorting blow in another hour.”
“Probably,” said Ready. “You want a beer?”
“Sure.”
Four beers later, Ready was back at Larry’s buying more cocaine. An hour after that, he was at Ella’s. She chastised him for showing up without calling first. “Will could have been here,” she said. “He sometimes comes by after work.”
“Is he coming tonight?” Ready asked.
“No.”
“Can I
stay?”
“Yes.”
Chapter 28
The next morning, Ella stood at the stove, mixing eggs in a bowl, while a pan of sautéed mushrooms cooled on the back burner. Beside the eggs were a bowl of fresh spinach and a package of feta cheese. Ella turned on the burner beneath a frying pan.
“How much did you drink last night?” she asked without turning around. “You look awful.”
Ready sat at the counter with his head in his hands. “I don’t know,” he said. “Too much.”
“I wish you’d stop that, Warren. Do you need to go back to bed? Because if you do, you’ll have to go home. Will’s coming today.”
Ready groaned and searched through his pockets until he found the packet of cocaine and a little straw. He opened the packet on the counter, snorted from it directly, then jerked his head back and said, “Whoa. Too much.”
Ella turned from the stove to look at him. “What the hell are you doing?” she asked.
“Trying to wake up,” Ready said. “But I got too much.”
“Get out. You cannot do that in this house. Leave, Warren! Now!” She looked more hurt than angry.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, I’m fucking serious.”
Ready closed up the packet of cocaine and put it back in his pocket.
“I’m sorry,” Ella said angrily. “Your drinking is bad enough, but that I just won’t have.”
“My drinking?” Ready said as he stood to go. “You have a problem with my drinking?”
“You have a problem with your drinking,” Ella said. Ready started toward the door and Ella followed.
“So what are you going to do? Make me stop? Are you going to take control of that part of my life too?”
“You need to take control of your life,” Ella corrected.
“Just like you took control of my car and my phone and got rid of everything you didn’t like?”
Ella grabbed his elbow and turned him around. “Do you want your women back? Do you want me to put the trash back in your car? Would your life be better then? Would it, Warren?”
“Fuck you,” he muttered just loud enough for her to hear as he walked out the door.
He got into his car and started the engine. His heart was beating fast from the cocaine, and his top front teeth were going numb. When he released the parking brake, Ella was knocking at his window. He rolled it down.
“What?” he asked.
Ella looked scared and uncertain, and her words came pouring out: “I know I can be pushy, Warren, and maybe that’s not the right way to be. But it’s only because I want this to work. I really do! And I don’t want to compete with your drugs, and I don’t want just the half of you that’s here when you’re drunk. If you give me all of you, Warren, I’ll give you all of me. I’ll give you everything.”
All he could say before he drove away was, “Sorry.” Even more than her words, her earnestness pierced his heart. He was flooded with shame to know he was being offered what he so badly wanted but was not prepared to receive.
Ella understood this and forgave him. When she got back into the house, she texted him. “I’m not mad. Come back when you’re sober.”
On the way home, Ready convinced himself that a drink would calm his shaking hands and soothe his racing heart. He arrived at the house with a twelve-pack of beer and a bottle of bourbon. By early afternoon, the house was spinning and he was full of hatred for himself. By three o’clock, he was unconscious.
Chapter 29
At eleven the following morning, Ella answered her phone on the first ring. “Hello?”
“Can I come over?” Ready asked.
“Are you sober?”
“I am.”
“You can come over if you promise to drink nothing today. And no drugs.”
“OK,” Ready said. “What have you been doing?”
Ella was silent for a moment. “Waiting for you to call.”
“Really? That’s sweet.”
“No, it’s not,” Ella said. “It’s pathetic.”
“Ella?”
“What?” Her tone was short and impatient.
“I won’t let you down.”
“You better not.”
“Ella?”
“What?”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“You don’t?” Ella asked with a sharp edge to her voice. “You don’t deserve the girl who tricks you into taking off your clothes at the bottom of the stairs and then teases you? You totally deserve me, Warren.”
When he arrived half an hour later, Ella didn’t greet him with her usual warmth. Instead, she said impatiently, “Let’s go somewhere. I want to get out of this house.”
“Do you want to take a walk?” Ready asked.
“Fine. Come upstairs and keep me company while I change. I won’t play any tricks this time.”
Upstairs, Ready sat on the bed and watched Ella change into a pair of jeans. Neither of them spoke. She stood in front of the mirror for a long time, putting on one pair of earrings after another, turning her head from side to side and examining her reflection.
“We’re just going for a walk,” Ready said. “Why can’t you just pick a pair?”
She turned on him with startling ferocity, and in a breaking voice she yelled, “Because I’m fucking lost! Can’t you see that? I’m just as lost as you are, Warren! What kind of woman gets stuck in a house like this with a man twice her age? What kind of woman starts fucking a stranger who shows up at her window before she even asks his name? Do you think that’s normal, Warren? Because if you do, you’re even more fucked up than I am.”
Then, calming a bit, she said, “Can’t you see we’re just two versions of the same person? Neither one of us knows what we’re doing. Neither one of us knows where we’re going. I deliberately missed my flight because I recognized you and I didn’t want to abandon you. I’m going to get out of here, with you or without you.” And then in a softer tone, she said, “But I want to do it with you. My offer stands: I will give you everything if you just say yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you’ll give me everything too.”
“But I have nothing to give,” Ready said.
“That’s the alcohol talking.”
“I haven’t had anything to drink,” Ready said.
“You don’t need a drink to feel worthless. You feel it all the time, don’t you, Warren?”
Ready said nothing.
“It scares you when I tell you I love you, doesn’t it?” Ella said.
Still he did not speak.
“Does it make me sound desperate? Well, I am desperate. And so are you. It scares you to think of having someone else’s heart in your hands when you can’t even manage your own life. I know it, Warren, because I’m just like you. What scares me most is that I know I’ll walk out of here for good someday very soon. And if you’re not there with me, I’ll go alone. I’m growing up, Warren, and I hope I can do it with you. But I don’t know if you’re going to make it. I don’t know how bad off you really are.”
They were quiet for a moment. Ella angrily thrust her feet into a pair of running shoes and said, “Come on. Let’s go for a walk.”
She left the room and started down the stairs without waiting for him. He caught up to her at the front door, but a moment later she was ahead of him again. She marched for thirty minutes like this, Ready repeatedly falling behind and trotting to catch up. They did not speak.
When they returned to the house, their faces were red from exertion. Ella went up to the bedroom and took off her shoes. For the next hour, she lay on the bed, looking unhappily at the ceiling while Ready sat alone on the couch downstairs.
At the end of the hour, he brought her a glass of ice water. She was lying on her side, staring out the window. “I brought you
this,” he said.
“Did you get my text?” Ella asked.
“What text?”
“I asked you for ice water.”
“No,” Ready said. He pushed the button on his phone, but the screen didn’t come on. “My battery is dead.”
Ella took the glass from him and drank half of it at once. She pointed toward the dresser. “You can plug it in over there. The white cord is the charger.”
Ready plugged in his phone, and then lay on his back on the bed next to her. He flipped through the pages of a magazine.
“I thought you didn’t read those,” Ella said.
“If I can’t drink, I’ll need to find a new hobby,” Ready said.
Ella put the glass on the night table and lay her head on his chest. She was tired. She listened to the pages turning every two seconds above her head and said, “You can’t really be reading that.”
“I’m looking at the pictures.”
“Do you even know how to read?” she asked in her playful, mocking tone. “I’ll teach you. Then you’ll be able to ride the bus all by yourself.”
“What’s the point of this magazine?” Ready asked, ignoring her teasing.
“Sell clothes.”
Ready stopped flipping the pages and settled on an article. Ella drifted to sleep, and woke a few minutes later to see the magazine lying on the bed.
“Warren,” she said.
“What?”
“Your thoughts are bothering you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because your breathing is shallow, and your heart is beating fast. Are you afraid of Will showing up?”
“No. I’m afraid of you going away.”
Ella lifted her head from his chest. She looked up at his face, put her finger to her lips, and said, “Shhh.” Then she laid her head back on his heart.
“Will you go away?” Ready asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Will you come with me?”
“Yes.”
Chapter 30
While Ready and Ella lay together, Susan sat alone in her hotel room. She hadn’t slept in two nights, although she’d napped briefly during the days. Her anxiety had begun to rise when she and Ready were driving back from their hike the day before, and she had feared this time alone.
Warren Lane Page 12