by Mike Kent
‘Hang on, you haven’t elected a committee,’ said Barton.
‘We’ve been trying to,’ Duggan replied. ‘You haven’t got a megaphone in your pocket, have you?’
‘No. I think I can help you, though.’
Barton stood up, fumbled in his pocket and took out a whistle, which he blew as hard as he could. The effect was instantaneous. Alan Dawdle’s hearing aid flew out of his ear and he fell off his seat in fright.
‘Playtime’s over,’ Barton roared. ‘These blokes need a committee.’
‘Thank you,’ said Gerry, as all eyes turned back to him. ‘Would anyone care to propose a chairman?’
‘I propose you,’ said Duggan.
‘I second that,’ I said.
‘Please raise your hands if you agree,’ said Gerry quickly.
‘Hang on, that was a bit bloody quick,’ Barton interrupted.
‘Do you want to object, then?’ asked Duggan kindly.
‘Since Mr Barton’s knowledge of the celluloid medium seems to leave a great deal to be desired, I fail to see any reason why he should object,’ said Dudley.
‘I’m not objecting. Not particularly anyway. I just said it was a bit bloody quick, that’s all.’
‘If you weren’t objecting, I can’t see why it was necessary for you to say it was quick,’ Dudley persisted.
‘I’m objecting because it was quick. There may be other nominations. Other people might want to be in the chair.’
‘Do you wish to be nominated?’
‘No. Other people might, though.’
Dudley turned, stood up, and spoke in a voice that reminded me of Mr Reed taking an assembly.
‘Does anyone at this gathering wish to nominate somebody else as the chairperson of this society?’ he asked. ‘Alternatively, does anyone wish to be a nominee for that position?’
Somebody yawned loudly. Nobody else moved.
‘I think that’s proved the point,’ said Dudley, looking in Barton’s direction.
‘Right. Well that’s that, then,’ Duggan announced quickly.
‘Now a treasurer, and we’ve got about two minutes to do it,’ said Gerry.
‘I propose Duggan,’ I said.
‘I second that,’ Gerry added. ‘Does everybody support that?’
There was a murmuring of agreement. Barton stroked his bald head and looked on with amusement.
‘This is ridiculous,’ he said.
‘Nonsense,’ Dudley replied. ‘These three gentlemen took the trouble to organise the meeting, so I think it would be reasonable to suggest that their interest in forming a film society must be very strong. I should point out that you can always demand your money back if you don’t like the films they show.’
‘I will if you don’t show something I want to watch,’ Barton objected. ‘You put on a load of this high brow stuff and plenty of us will be voting with our feet.’
‘That’s a typically pedestrian reaction,’ retorted Dudley. ‘If you took the trouble to watch Bunuel, Resnais, Eisenstein…’
‘Yeah, well, I prefer Frankenstein.’
‘That doesn’t surprise me. You seem to have the same brain capacity as his creature. Quite frankly…’
‘His creature had an exceptionally good brain, mate. It was the brain of a genius. If Frankenstein hadn’t dropped it on the floor…’
‘Now hang on, are you talking about the James Whale version?’ interrupted Ben Fellows. ‘I think you’re getting confused.’
‘That’s because his brain’s been dropped on the floor, boy,’ grinned Dai Thomas.
‘And finally, a secretary,’ Gerry shouted above the arguing.
‘Speak up, please,’ Alan Dawdle shouted back, twisting his hearing aid around in his ear. ‘Have we got a committee yet?’
‘Yes,’ said Gerry. ‘We’re just on the secretary now.’
‘Don’t tell me, what’s the betting your other mate gets nominated?’ Barton said.
‘I nominate my other mate,’ said Duggan.
There was a roar of laughter and Duggan took advantage of it before Barton could interrupt again. ‘Well, gentlemen,’ he said quickly, ‘I think that seems to be it. We’ll keep you informed about the programmes and I…’
There was a sudden loud howl of agony from somewhere in the middle of the group. Duggan stopped talking, and all eyes turned to the row where the noise had come from.
‘It’s Hornpipe,’ grinned Barton happily. ‘He’s dropped that bloody pipe in his lap. Hope it burns his genitalia.’
Dudley stood up awkwardly, clutching himself and brushing frantically at his corduroys. Hot ash showered everybody near him and chairs were hastily moved to one side as students near him jumped on the sparks that had scattered on the floor. Duggan watched for a moment and then made an attempt to finish what he had been saying.
‘Thank you for all your kind attention. Rest assured we shall do everything in our power to justify the confidence and faith you have placed in our humble abilities. I now declare the film society… um… formed.’
Nobody was listening. The students who hadn’t got up to leave were now watching Dudley with interest and Barton found it difficult to conceal his intense enjoyment.
‘Oh well, that’s the tough bit over,’ said Gerry, gathering his notes together. ‘Now all we’ve got to do is have a chat with Miss Pratt about borrowing the projectors. That shouldn’t be too difficult.’
‘No,’ agreed Duggan. ‘That shouldn’t be very difficult at all.’
(ii)
It was obvious right from the start that Miss Pratt had rarely been inside a cinema since the day movies started to talk.
At her swooping invitation, Gerry and I moved uneasily into the small tutorial room and sat gingerly on the edge of the hard, upright chairs she brought forward for us. She placed the chairs precisely, almost as if we were about to be rigorously interviewed for a lecturing position in her department. Miss Pratt was in her early fifties and, it was strongly rumoured, had found life rather disappointing so far. Coming from a strict Catholic background, she had been brought up to fear God, pray regularly, and attend confession once every month, though since she was never guilty of anything untoward there was always precious little for her to confess.
Apparently she had never been a clever child, though she’d always shown an aptitude for study and a natural interest in geography and nature study. Like many of her peers, she had gone into teaching because it was a respectable thing to do, but after ten years of dedicated service in a small church school on the outskirts of South London she had yearned for a change and applied to lecture in the geography department at St. James’s. Not only had she been successful, but she’d also received instant promotion when the incumbent head of the department had died very suddenly from a heart attack.
To her consternation, she’d learned that the post also involved responsibility for the audio-visual aids room, with its impressive collection of mechanical and electronic lecturing and teaching aids. Though she’d tried to keep abreast of developments in this field, she was much happier studying the flora and fauna of the countryside and the thought of handling a piece of technical apparatus even as basic as a tape recorder caused her to recoil in horror. She had never forgotten the day she attempted to play a tape to one of her tutorial groups and on being unable to make the tape move at all, refused student help and summoned the college maintenance engineer, who suggested it might be helpful to plug the apparatus into the mains supply first.
Nevertheless, Miss Pratt took pride in her position, had never had a day off since she’d started at the college, and cycled to work practically every morning. Most of her life, in fact, had been given over to academic pursuit of one kind or another, and she took a dim view of any student whose interest level in geography happened to be shallower than her own. To her immense credit, no stud
ent in her charge had ever failed the subject, and no other department could boast such a record, although as time had gone on she had become increasingly eccentric and absent-minded. Looking carefully at Gerry and me, Miss Pratt removed her spectacles with a theatrical flourish, scratched her nose, and drew up a third chair. Then she leaned forward and placed an elbow on her ample thigh, like a cub mistress about to have a serious heart to heart with a wilful tenderfoot.
‘Now then, what’s all this about?’ she began earnestly. ‘What’s the problem?’
‘We wanted to ask you about your projectors,’ Gerry said brightly.
‘Really? And which ones are those?’
‘The ones that project sixteen millimetre film.’
‘And what about them?’
‘We’ve decided to form a film society,’ I said. ‘But we need your help.’
‘I see,’ she said at length, looking at me cautiously. ‘So you’re going to start a new society are you? What a good idea.’ She beamed and shifted her gaze from me to Gerry, who took the initiative and beamed back.
‘It is, isn’t it?’ he agreed brightly. ‘We want to show our first programme in about three week’s time and we’d like to borrow the two projectors from your department. With your permission, of course.’
Miss Pratt leaned back in her chair and eyed Gerry suspiciously, as if he’d made a mildly indecent proposal. Then she breathed on her spectacles, rubbed the lenses briskly on her skirt and pondered over the possible implications of Gerry’s request.
‘We’ve… er… already booked the films,’ Gerry added quickly, hoping to sway her decision.
Miss Pratt’s voice shifted into a lower register. ‘Have you? I see. That may have been a little premature, of course. Now then, have you been along to the education department? They have projectors too, you know. I feel quite sure the education department…’
‘Yes we have,’ Gerry interrupted, ‘but their machines are away for servicing.’
I glanced at him, knowing this wasn’t true, but the projectors belonging to the education department were elderly, uncared for, and liable to give trouble, even though they would probably have been relatively easy to borrow.
‘And so you want to use mine? Well now, I really don’t know. Have you discussed all this with Dr Bradley?’
We nodded earnestly.
‘And he gave his agreement that this society should go ahead?’
We both nodded again.
‘I have to check, you know. All sorts of rather strange societies have been started here at one time or another. I remember a rather earnest young man coming to see me when I first came here. Edmunds, his name was. I think he wanted to start…’
‘We’d take great care of them,’ Gerry interrupted.
‘Take great care of what?’
‘The projectors. We were talking about borrowing the projectors.’
‘Yes I know. I was merely saying that Andrew Edmunds wanted to use my epidiascope, and frankly, this wasn’t on. I can’t just…’
‘We need a fairly quick decision, I’m afraid,’ Gerry urged. ‘We’ve booked the first programme, you see.’
‘Have you? Well, I don’t really give quick decisions. I need a little time to think about this sort of thing, you know.’
‘It’s only for one evening,’ I said carefully. ‘And of course, we’ll return them the moment we have finished with them.’
‘Well I should jolly well hope so, Mr…er…’
‘Kent.’
‘Thank you. I should jolly well hope so, Mr Kent.’ She blew her nose briskly on a small embroidered handkerchief and thrust it firmly into her sleeve, as if a little embarrassed that noses had to be blown at all.
‘I really couldn’t let you have it for longer than that. One of my machines was borrowed without my knowledge last year. I had a quite dreadful time trying to track it down. It could have been stolen. Admittedly it wasn’t a new machine, but I really can’t take the chance of running unnecessary risks. I’m sure you understand.’
‘Of course,’ said Gerry. ‘We would be very security conscious. Mind you, anyone trying to steal one of those machines would probably give himself a double rupture just lifting it off the ground.’
He grinned weakly and Miss Pratt frowned over her spectacles. ‘It’s hardly a joking matter, Gerald. You must appreciate that I have been given the responsibility for looking after this equipment and I take that responsibility seriously. Very seriously indeed.’ She stood up and walked to the window, hands clasped tightly behind her back.
‘And when would you want to borrow the equipment?’
‘Just on the day of the show,’ Gerry explained. ‘We’d want to give the programme a run-through in the afternoon just to check the films are in good condition. And to find out the best running order.’
‘Is that really necessary?’
‘Well, yes. We want our show to be as professional as possible. The students are paying for it, after all.’
‘Are they? Is that strictly legal?’
Gerry raised his eyebrows at me questioningly.
‘I can’t see why not,’ I said. ‘ It’s only to cover the cost of hiring the films.’
‘Nevertheless, I think you should check that point. Indeed, I’d say it is imperative that you do so.’
‘We will. And rest assured we’ll take great care of the projectors and bring them back as soon as we’ve finished.’
‘Them?’ Miss Pratt looked blank for a moment.
‘Yes. We’d need both projectors.’
‘Both? Whatever for? You’re not showing two films at the same time, are you?’
Gerry took a deep breath and spoke slowly and carefully. ‘No, of course not. The thing is, the main film is sent to us on three large reels. Each one lasts for about half an hour.’
‘Ah!’ said Miss Pratt, like a detective uncovering a vital clue in a baffling case. ‘That makes a difference, does it?’
‘Yes. You see, the first reel is showing while the second one is being set up on the other projector, ready to take over when the first has finished.’
‘The idea is that the audience won’t notice the change over,’ I added. ‘Otherwise we’d have to take a few minutes to put a new reel of film on.’
‘Dear me!’ Miss Pratt exclaimed, sitting down again and pushing her hair away from her forehead. ‘This all sounds very complicated. I think it would be a good idea to involve one or two of the lab technicians on this, don’t you?’
‘Not really,’ said Gerry bluntly. ‘It’s done in the cinema all the time. In fact a feature film often comes in anything up to ten reels.’
‘Does it really?’ replied Miss Pratt incredulously. ‘You really do surprise me. Of course, I haven’t been to the cinema since… let me see now… I think it must have been the Maddon Hall Odeon soon after it first opened. Now… what was showing? Spencer… um… and… Katharine…’
‘Tracy and Hepburn,’ Gerry informed her quickly. She smiled brightly at him.
‘Yes, that’s right. How clever. A rather enjoyable film if I remember correctly. Rather a slight story, but enjoyable. Spencer… um… Tracy was a sports coach, and Katharine Hepburn…’
‘Pat and Mike,’ said Gerry decisively.
‘Oh, I’m not sure if Pat and Mike were in it. I think it was just Spencer and Katharine.’
‘No, the film was called ‘Pat and Mike.’ It was directed by George Cukor and it was made in 1952. The script won an Oscar nomination.’
‘Good Lord,’ said Miss Pratt at length, ‘you have an extraordinary memory, Gerald.’
‘Not really,’ said Gerry modestly. ‘I just happen to be interested in films.’
‘Do you really? How interesting. And all these films are shown in ten little reels, are they? I’m rather surprised I’ve never noticed that.’
‘Good heavens! How clever!’
‘It is, isn’t it?’ I agreed warmly, looking at my watch and wondering how much longer this was going to take.
‘Nevertheless,’ said Miss Pratt, ‘all this doesn’t really explain why you need to use both my projectors.’
Gerry stared at her in bewilderment. He had felt so close to success and now it seemed as if she hadn’t taken in a word either of us had said. I began to feel it might be best to try the education department after all. We were acutely aware that everything depended on the success of our opening night. If the films were good and the show was efficiently run, the audience would keep coming back. If we failed on our first night, the film society would join the other societies that hadn’t lasted beyond one or two meetings. Gerry tried once more, a hint of desperation in his voice.
‘But the show would be ruined, Miss Pratt. Especially with next month’s film. The whole point of it is that the tension builds up throughout and we’d just lose it.’
‘What, the film?’
‘No, the tension in the film.’
‘And what film is that?’
‘Rear Window.’
‘I see. Well, I’ve never heard of that one.’
‘It’s an Alfred Hitchcock.’
‘Is it? I see.’ Miss Pratt obviously didn’t see at all and her lips pursed as if she had just put a slice of lemon in her mouth. ‘Frankly,’ she added, ‘I’ve always regarded Alfred Hitchcock as a rather distasteful little man. And really, you know, I would have thought the students would welcome a few short breaks in the middle. After all, it doesn’t take five minutes to put more film on, does it? I’ve done it myself, with the kind assistance of Mr Dunn from the lab. I really do think…’
‘But that’s not the point!’ Gerry burst out, no longer able to contain his disappointment. Miss Pratt swung round and stared at him.