Still Rattled

by Charles, Jane

  “It’s okay.” She sniffs. “You’re right. Most do, but I don’t want to have to count on a baby daddy for help. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be when I’m married and when I’m financially stable enough to afford a child.”

  She rolls back over, turning her back to me. “So, if you think something is happening between us and soon we’ll be fucking, forget it. Not gonna happen, and if that’s what you want, you might as well leave now.”

  There is something happening between us, I knew it, and she might as well have just admitted it to. Do I like the idea of never having sex with Kelsey? Hell no. Do I get it? Yeah. And, if I’m going to walk out the door on her, it’s going to be for a much more important reason.

  I pull her close until we are spooning. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I never did fall back asleep. I was exhausted. I’m still exhausted, but how could anyone sleep? Alex was snuggled up close, his arms around me, his warm breath on my neck. I’d forgotten what it was to feel safe and protected. To just be held.

  Do I dare get attached? It would be so easy to get attached to Alex. To fall for him. To want things I haven’t wanted in a very long time and thought I’d never want again. He is so not the guy I thought he was. But does he know how serious I am about my self-imposed abstinence? I will not have sex again until I’m in a position to take care of and raise a child. That doesn’t mean I plan on getting pregnant as soon as I’m set, I just can’t put myself through what I lived through with Brandy. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. A piece of my heart gone for good, and I could not do that again. There aren’t enough drugs in the world that would make me be okay again.

  “What do you think, Kelsey?”

  I blink at him. We’re standing in the middle of a computer section at a crowded superstore I’ve never been in before and some geek was just explaining all kinds of things that Alex understood and I didn’t. In this day and age, I should know more about computers, but all I care about is if I can write papers on it and it has a spreadsheet for grading, and it’s light enough to carry around. The laptop that was stolen was old and heavy, but it got the job done. A lighter one would be nice.

  “I need Word and Excel.” I tell the kid.

  “What about movies. Are you going to watch them?”

  “No.”

  “Music?”

  “Nope.”

  “Games?”

  I just shake my head.

  This guy is about my age and is looking at me as if I’m from another planet. “You won’t use it for anything else?” he asks as if he’s wondering why I even want one if I’m not playing around.

  “Reading!” Mary pops up.

  “Reading?”

  “You are always bringing books home from the library, devouring them when you don’t have homework and taking them back. You know you can borrow ebooks.”

  “Like your e-reader?” Mary and her e-reader are never far apart. She guards that thing as closely as I’ve guarded the envelope with Brandy’s rattle all of these years.

  “Then you’ll want a touch screen,” the Geek offers.

  “Aren’t they all touch screens these days?” Mary asks.

  “Some still aren’t, but if she is going to be reading books, I suggest the ones over here that detach from each other.”

  It’s light and I like that I can read on it, even if that screen is a monster compared to a paperback. That would take some getting used to, but it’s also more expensive. “What is the cheapest one you have for what I want to do?”

  The kid must be on commission by the crestfallen look on his face as he leads us to another table. “These are on sale, last year’s models. Anyone of them will do what you need.”

  “While she’s looking at those, can you help me out?” Mary says. “I need it to be quick, play movies, music, games and nasty homework.”

  His eyes light up again. At least she’s going to spend some money. Mary’s been saving for a new computer, but didn’t think she’d get one until she graduated and went out into the real world. The burglary upped that timeline.

  I try out the keys for touch and then lift it to see how heavy they are. Not that I can get them up very far since they are chained down to the table, but they all seem a lot lighter than the one I’ve been working on since my Freshman year. I pick the cheapest and point to it. It’s more than I should be spending, but it’s not like I can finish school and student-teaching without it. I’ll just have to enjoy ramen for the next few months.

  “I love shiny new things,” Mary says as she bounces into Kelsey’s room carrying her new pink laptop.

  I’m just about done loading the new software onto Kelsey’s computer and downloading the apps she’ll need. For a senior in college, Kelsey is clueless about technology. Or at least computers. The last time she bought one the store loaded everything for her. I went through and cleaned out crap that wasn’t needed, then downloaded my favorite virus protection. She was busy doing another load of laundry and doesn’t know that was paid for by my card.

  “It is pretty,” Kelsey laughs.

  “And fast! I didn’t realize how slow my last laptop was. That thief did me a favor.”

  “That thief cost me a chunk of my savings,” Kelsey complains.

  Mary winces. “Sorry!”

  Kelsey just shakes her head. “It was about to die anyway, I think. And, it was slow. I’d probably have had to get one before I graduated anyway.”

  “Well, fun times are over. Papers await,” Mary says as she bounces out of the room, closing the door behind her.

  I hand the laptop to Kelsey. “It’s all set.”

  She sets it aside and sighs. We’re sitting sideways on her bed with our backs against the wall. “Thank you so much, for everything.”

  I take her hand in mine. “It’s been my pleasure.”

  “I’m sure you had better things to do this weekend than do my laundry, sleep on the couch, help me buy and then set up my computer.”

  “I had nothing planned, and I like that we got to hang out.”

  Her brown eyes soften. “You know. You really aren’t a douche at all. At least, not anymore.”

  “I am trying to purge myself of that reputation.”

  “You’re doing a good job.”

  We sit, just staring at each other, a connection forming, pulling and drawing us close. I like her. I really like her. She needs me, but she’s strong without me. Needs to be protected, but can take care of herself. A combination that I’m a sucker for.

  Leaning in, I brush my lips across hers.

  She pulls back, her eyes wide.

  “Should I not have done that?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  We are wading into unfamiliar waters with each other. I want to dive into the deep end, but she needs baby steps into the shallow end, and I get that. “I’m sure.”

  Then I kiss her again. This time it isn’t a brushing of lips, but I mold my mouth to her gorgeous lips and take. She gives, tilting her head, so I can go deeper. We just kiss. It’s not even making out because I’m not touching her anywhere else. Just our mouths are engaged in a sensual dance of tasting, teasing, a mimicking of sex, and I can’t get enough. My dick is getting hard. Incredibly hard, but I’m also content to just sit and kiss Kelsey Fry.

  When I pull back, she sighs, and I tuck a dark curl behind her ear.

  “I’m not having sex with you,” she tells me after a moment.

  “I know.” I grin. “Good thing I don’t mind cold showers.”

  Her face turns pink, and I quickly kiss the end of her nose. “Want to get a bite to eat?”

  Her shoulders slouch. “I can’t. I have to get this paper done.”

  The whole school thing. I get it. “When will you be free so I can see you again?”

  “I have classes and then work at the bookstore Monday through Thursday. I won’t have time until Friday.”

  “When do you get off at the bookstore?” I so don’t want
to go until Friday to see her.

  “Seven, but I always have homework. It’s the end of the semester, and if I don’t have to write a paper, I need to study for finals.”

  I’m doing tats Tuesday through Saturday this week, but a few nights I’ll get out of there a little early. “When are you done with classes on Friday?”

  “Three.”

  If that’s the earliest I can see her, I’m going to make it happen. I schedule myself at work anyway. I can be there as little or as often as I want. All of the artists work around their own schedule taking walk-ins and setting appointments. We basically rent our spot and give a cut to the owners. It’s why I like the place. Of course, they don’t let just anyone work there; the place does have a reputation. Not a Reed Brothers’ reputation, but they have a decent one, and I could have all the steady work I want. “I’ll get you at four on Friday.”

  She studies me as if she’s not sure.

  “Kelsey, let yourself relax and have fun for a change.”

  Is it a date? Are we just hanging out?

  He kissed me. Alex kissed me last Sunday and that’s all I’ve thought about.

  But, is it a date, or are we hanging out?

  What do I wear?

  The clothing in my closet just hangs there and nothing is speaking to me. Not that I have a variety. At one end are my jeans, sweaters and shirts. Basically school clothing, which is the same stuff I wear to my job.

  At the other end, slacks, jackets, nicer sweaters, some dresses, all purchased at a great sale price and waiting to be worn when I start student teaching. Not exactly date clothing.

  My other stuff is so casual though.

  Why am I so worried? Alex has been up close and personal with my wardrobe since he washed most of it. He knows I don’t have nice, going out stuff, so I grab a pair of boots, black leggings and a sweater that comes down to mid-thigh.

  Why the hell am I so worried and nervous about this date that may just be hanging out?

  It can’t be just the kiss.

  Or, maybe it is.

  It certainly threw me for a loop. Unexpected, but not necessarily unwanted.

  What’s mindboggling is I wanted Alex to kiss me. How did my world turn upside down in one week?

  There’s a knock at my door. “Alex is here,” Mary calls in a singsong voice, and I glance at my phone. Crap, he’s on time and I’m running late.

  “Be there in a sec.”

  I dash into the bathroom, rip off my clothing and run a wet washcloth over my pits and privates, throw on some deodorant, get dressed, and then brush my hair and add lip gloss and am out my door in five minutes, to find him sitting on the couch holding a bouquet of carnations.

  My heart stops for just a second. Nobody’s ever brought me flowers before.

  He grins and gets up. Thank God he’s casual too in his jeans and light blue sweater that make his eyes all the more cobalt.

  “Thanks.” I take the flowers from him. “Let me get a glass or something.”

  “Most people put them in a vase,” he laughs.

  My face heats. “I don’t own one.”

  “I do,” Mary calls from behind her closed door.

  The walls in this apartment are way too thin. But she rushes out, holding a multi-colored, glass vase and hands it to me.

  “Thanks.” I walk to the sink and turn on the water. “I’ll give it back when…” When they die? That’s depressing.

  “Keep it. It’s from George, and we all know how that ended.”

  With a restraining order after George got drunk one night and gave Mary a black eye for breaking up with him. Not that they dated for long since Mary picked up quickly on his anger and control issues. As soon as she figured out what he was like, she cut him loose. He didn’t go away easily.

  After arranging the flowers in the vase and putting them in my room, I grab my coat and leave with Alex. As soon as we are in the hall, he grabs my hand.

  This is a date! Of course, I knew that, no matter how much I was trying to turn it into hanging out. I’m just not sure how I feel about it all. I don’t have time for a boyfriend right now.

  But, I really like having Alex around.

  Once we are out on the street, we just walk.

  “How were your classes?”

  “Good. I’m glad they are almost done.” I sneak a peek at him from the corner of my eye. “What did you do all week?”

  “Tats.”

  “Did you get on Reed’s reality show?” My heart starts pounding. As much as I want Alex to make it, I also know that if he does, they are going to show the audition clip with my story. Why did I say so much personal stuff with a camera in the room?

  I knew they’d be there, but at the time, it was more important to explain to Alex. But the idea of the world hearing my story makes me sick. It’s too personal and it’s mine.

  “Nah. I haven’t heard from them,” he says when we stop at the corner to wait for the light. “And, I’ve got my job at Skin Scribes and that pays the bills.”

  I blow out a breath with the hope that the world will never see my story. “What about the graphic novels? What are you doing with those?”

  “I work on them at night, and keep submitting to publishers. It’s all I can do.”

  He doesn’t sound hopeful, or even as excited about it as he was last week. What changed? “If you had your choice, which one would you want to work for?”

  The light changes, and we continue across the street. “Dark Horse.”

  “If they hired you, would you have to move to Oregon?” It’s a question that has bugged me. What’s the point in getting involved with a guy if he’s going to up and leave when the job he wants opens up? I did some research and found out where the big ones were located. I am leaving in June, but that is only three hours away. New York City to Portland, Oregon requires taking a vacation to see someone, and a flight. I can’t imagine making that drive.

  Alex tilts his head and gives me a half smile. “How did you know Dark Horse is in Oregon?”

  “Specifically, Milwaukie, just outside of Portland.”

  “Again, how do you know this? I didn’t peg you as comic fan.”

  My face heats and I shrug. “I looked them up.”

  He just laughs and shakes his head. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve just been trying to get my submissions accepted and not thought beyond what happens if they want me to work for them.”

  We head down to the subway, but I still don’t know where we are going.

  The train isn’t as packed as the last time, and we have a seat to ourselves.

  As the train leaves the station, he turns to me. “Honestly, I’ve been rethinking the entire graphic novel thing.”

  I pull back in surprise.

  “It’s entertainment, which I’m fully behind. Everyone needs entertainment in their lives. But, I want to do more than entertain people.”

  None of the cockiness that I’ve seen Alex exhibit before is present.

  “Doing your tat changed me, because it gave you something.”

  “Don’t be changing your whole career because of one afternoon.”

  He shakes his head. “It isn’t just that. I’ve been doing the tats people want, and not really paying attention to why. Well, except one. There was another that was as important as yours that I work on. Then this week, I started to really pay attention to my customers”

  I’m not sure where he’s going with this.

  “Sure, some of them just want the body art because it’s cool and they like how it looks, and there is some meaning. But, I got a fair amount of customers whose tat was as important to them as yours is to you. A much deeper meaning and connection. Suddenly, it’s no longer just a way to make money. Some need them for a memory, like you. Others need to cover scars. And each time I did one of those, tattooing started to become more important than drawing a comic book.”

  Wow! I never expected to have a conversation like this. And, I really like this Alex. A lot better t
han the cocky, “I’m only doing this until I can do something I want” Alex.

  “But, I don’t want to do just that. I need to do something else. Something better.”

  The train stops and Alex stands. I follow him onto the platform and up the stairs.

  “I haven’t been paying it forward. Not like I could.”

  “You serve in soup kitchens,” I remind him.

  “Anyone can do that. I have a talent, Kelsey. I’m a damn good artist and tattoo artist, but I can only do so much with that.”

  It sounds to me like he can do quite a lot with that. I know how much this tattoo means to me. It will be with me forever. And even though I’ll never forget Brandy and Brandon, her hand is on my heart and will be there even when I die.

  “So, what do you want to do?”

  He stops, turns to me and takes both of my hands in his. “Going back to Baxter reminded me of who I was, who I am and made me question where I’m going.”

  This is going deeper than I think I’m ready for.

  “Especially after talking to Louie?”

  “The kid that wants to be a street artist.”

  “Yeah. I think I want to finish my teaching degree.”

  “Finish?” Alex didn’t mention anything about teaching when we discussed college.

  “Yeah. That’s was my goal the first two years of college. You know, get a degree that will feed me and then follow my dream. I gave up on that junior year, said screw it, follow the dream.”

  “You know, teaching won’t pay as well as tattooing,” I warn him.

  He just smiles. “It’s not about the money, Kelsey. Or, it’s not anymore.”

  His cobalt eyes are so intense and my heart skips a beat. This Alex I could fall in love with and it scares the hell out of me. “So, why are we here?” I suddenly change the topic. I’m not sure I can handle an intense conversation with Alex. At least not right now.

  “So you can breathe.”

  “I’m pretty sure I have been breathing or I’d be dead.”

  “No.” He smiles. “You’ve been rushing, and doing, and going. Today, you are going to walk. We are going to walk, not do a damn thing except breathe and be.”