Still Rattled

by Charles, Jane

  Alex stands and stalks toward me all predatory and then sits down next to me. The two of us on a bed is the one thing that scares me more than anything.

  Then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it, all tender, before kissing my cheek.

  “Let me explain something to you that I’ve never explained to anyone else.”

  I take a deep breath. “Okay.”

  “I had a lot of sex when I got out of Baxter.”

  “That isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.”

  “Hell, I fucked almost any willing girl those first two years at college.”

  Even though I won’t have sex with him, that doesn’t mean I want to hear about everyone he has had sex with. “You aren’t helping yourself, Alex.”

  “Then, I saw my mom.”

  My heart sinks.

  “I didn’t want to be like her. Fucking because it felt good, half the time not remembering the girl’s name a month later.”

  “That’s different,” I point out.

  “How? She was making money off of sex with no intimacy. I sure as hell wasn’t intimate with anyone I had sex with. She went from one guy to the next until she got one to take her away from it all. That also included me. I was just having sex until the next girl came along to have sex with.”

  “You haven’t fucked anyone since?”

  “One.” He shrugs. “I was in a short relationship, but that’s it.”

  I still don’t understand where he’s going “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because, I’ve come to value intimacy over sex.”

  “Intimacy is sex.”

  “No,” he corrects. “Too many people make that mistake.” He turns toward me. “Intimacy is in here.” Her kisses my forehead. “And in here.” He places a hand over his heart. “And here.” He grabs my hand again, then runs a finger over the pulse at my wrist. “When you know someone’s ugliness as well as you know their beauty, then you’re intimate.”

  I stare into his intense blue eyes, feeling every word. My heart is beating so strongly, and I can barely breathe.

  “When we reach that level of intimacy, then we’ll discuss the rest, but we aren’t even close to that.”

  “What if we never are?”

  The left side of his mouth quirks. “We will be.”

  “What makes you so certain?”

  “Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Kelsey. Since Thanksgiving I’ve felt like I’ve woken up from a very long sleep.”

  “I feel the same. But what if I still won’t have sex with you?”

  “We won’t have sex.”

  “It’s that easy for you to say? I felt you pressed against my ass last night, Alex.”

  Is he just feeding me lines of bullshit hoping I’ll cave? I so hope he’s not because I’ll never trust a guy again.

  “I can decide what I will and won’t do, and make those decisions with my heart. But, I will get hard. Probably every fucking time you walk in a room. I’m human and damned attracted to you.”

  Heat flushes through my body at the intensity of his voice and his eyes.

  “We will sleep together. My cock will remain between us, but that is it. Until you say otherwise, nothing will happen.”

  “What if I decide to give into temptation?”

  “I won’t let you.”

  I blink at him. “Right.” I don’t believe him.

  “You want to be secure in your life. In a position to take care of yourself and any potential child, hopefully with the father in the picture, even if you’re using every means of protection ever invented.”

  I blink at him again.

  “I heard every word, Kelsey. I get it. I may have never had a pregnancy scare or a child, but I don’t want to be in the same position of worrying about you getting your period every month either. Not when you are going to wig out about it all the time. I get it and I respect it.”

  I am in serious danger of falling for Alex.

  Hell, it might even be too late. I’ve never talked about sex so much and so soon in a potential relationship, and it’s kind of odd that we would, but the conversation needed to be had. I lean in and put a palm against his cheek, the texture of his whiskers tickle my palm. “Don’t break my heart, Alex.”

  He puts his forehead against mine and then covers my hand. “I’m more worried about you breaking mine.”

  List in hand, we step into the toy store. “So, why are we here?” Kelsey asks.

  I was able to talk her out of studying and into going shopping with me instead. I didn’t think she really had homework. There’s only a couple of weeks of school left before winter break, and she admitted she was pretty much ready for finals. “This.” I give her the list.

  She glances through it. “Who are these kids?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug.

  “You are buying presents for random kids?”

  “Yep.” I grab a cart and dodge a five-year-old boy headed for a super hero display. “The guys and I don’t get each other anything. At first, we were too broke, and then one year we took a family off the tree at the mission and went together to give a family a Christmas. For the past couple of years, we’ve been tossing all loose change into a Mason jar, storing them, and cashing them in for bills on December 1st. We don’t miss the change through the year, and with five guys adding to it, it adds up quick.”

  “Then you divide it.”

  “Yep, and go shopping. It’s fun shopping for kids, so we each take a family from the tree.”

  “Did you have good Christmases, you know, before…”

  “Before my mom left me at a restaurant?” After telling Kelsey everything, it doesn’t hurt so bad to talk about. It still hurts, some, but I’ve let go of a lot of that pain.

  She winces. “Yeah.”

  “Depended on who the sugar daddy was at the time.”

  “Mine were good. At least when I was with the Wilsons. After that, they were just another day a lot of times.”

  We didn’t celebrate Christmas at Baxter. We didn’t celebrate any holidays. Too many religions at the school, first off. Plus, some kids have a really hard time during the holidays and not having a family. Or, having families that don’t give a damn. The school decided just to ignore the holidays.

  That didn’t mean there was no religion. We had youth directors, ministers, priests, rabbis, and every type of religious leader known to mankind visit the campus and meet with the students who requested it. Which was never me.

  “I thought you said you didn’t really pay it forward.”

  “It’s not the same,” I tell her. “It’s one day a year. I want to do more. I need to do more. I am so fucking lucky, I’ll never be able to pay it back.”

  “Yeah, but that one day is Christmas, and to kids who have nothing, it’s magical.”

  I hope it’s magical because I’m doing it as much for them as I am me. “First up, Barbies, and the real reason I wanted you along.” I wink at her, changing the subject. I don’t want to talk about the reasons, or hear that I’m doing a good thing. I just need to do this, and I have fun doing it.

  “And, here I thought it was my charm.” She flutters her eyelashes at me.

  “And your ass. We can’t forget about that fine ass,” I whisper in her ear.

  She wiggles it as she walks to the Barbie aisle.

  Yes. An entire aisle. I’ve never been in this toy store before, but there’s an entire section for Barbie.

  “What do you know of the family?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Black, white, Latino, Asian?”

  I have no clue.

  “You’re useless.” She turns away from me. “Is there like a maximum you’re supposed to spend?”

  “We’re good. Get what you think is best.”

  “How old is the little girl?”

  I look down at the sheet. “Six.”

  “Perfect.” Kelsey grabs three boxes of the shelf. “Buy two and get the third half off.” In
one is Barbie, the blonde that everyone is familiar with, but the other two are Latino and Black. “Bases are covered with Barbie and her friends.”

  “Why is it important? I thought Barbie was Barbie.”

  Kelsey shakes her head and starts grabbing accessories. “Because sometimes little girls want to play with dolls that look like them and this company is really good about little girls finding a doll that fits them.”

  She’s tossing packages of clothing and tiny shoes in the cart and them comes across a pink case with Barbie on the top and grins. “She needs this.”

  “I thought Barbie lived in a townhouse, or dream house, or something like that. Wouldn’t that be better?”

  Kelsey sighs again. “Do you know for a fact this little girl has a home?”

  I shake my head. Some of them do, but a lot don’t.

  “With this she can carry them everywhere.” She puts the case in the cart. “You can’t cart a dream house from shelter to shelter. Besides, the Barbie needs to live like her little girl if that little girl has to live out of a box, bag or suitcase.”

  Where was she when the guys and I first starting doing this? We were so clueless and always made sure the families only had boys. They were easy. I probably would have grabbed the blonde Barbie, clothes and that townhouse.

  “What’s next?”

  I check my list. “A twelve-year-old girl wants books.”

  Kelsey’s face lights up. “What kinds?”

  “Any,” I say. “She likes to read.” Then I see the note at the bottom. Why hadn’t I seen that before? “The family, a mother and three children, lost everything in a fire and they’ve been living in a shelter until they can find a new place.”

  “Everything?”

  “That’s what it says.”

  “They probably didn’t have much to begin with, or they wouldn’t be in a shelter.”

  Those are my thoughts too.

  “Does it mention clothing, anything else?”

  “Nope. The mom just wants something for their kids to play with that will make them happy for now.”

  “Then it’s off to the book section,” Kelsey grins.

  I follow, pushing the cart, just enjoying being with her. Then I hang back as she starts picking books and putting them in the cart. Some of the names I know, others I don’t. She doesn’t even stop to read the back covers to find out what they are about. “How do you know if they are any good?”

  “Because I’ve read them.”

  “All of them?”

  “Yes, and they’re perfect for a girl her age.” Kelsey turns to me. “Now, where are the backpacks?”

  “Backpacks?”

  This time she rolls her eyes. “So she has a place to keep her library.”

  Like Barbie needs a big box. “At the front of the store, I think.”

  It takes Kelsey three times as long to pick out one backpack than a ton of books.

  “Now what?”

  “Nine-year-old boy.” This time I grin. “I got this one.” And I turn the cart back in the direction of the superheroes. After I’ve chosen the ones this boy wants, and a few accessories I head for checkout.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

  I check my list. “Nope. Got it all.”

  “How is the little boy going to carry all that stuff around?”

  Crap, she’s right.

  “Backpack?” she suggests.

  “No. Duffle. That’s what you carry when you’re fighting the good fight.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun shopping,” I tell Alex as we enter the brownstone. Of course, I usually don’t have money to just go shop, and I stress over every single purchase wondering if I can get it cheaper somewhere else, or if I really need it.

  “Me, either,” Alex tells me. “I would have been lost with the girls if you hadn’t been there.”

  “If you didn’t know what to buy, why did you get a family with girls?”

  “Because this year I didn’t read ages and wants, like I used to and grabbed one that felt right.”

  “Felt right?”

  “Yep, and it was at the top of the tree. All the ones in the middle were gone and in the past, the ones at the top are not taken because nobody can read what’s on them until they take it down.”

  “Couldn’t you have put it back?”

  “Nope. Not with needy families all around. Putting a card back on the tree is like rejecting that family, even if nobody knows who it belongs to.”

  Dylan is at the dining room table, with a stack of clothing, boxes, wrapping paper, scissors and tape. “Ah, you beat me.”

  “Three brothers, teens, who want clothing. Easy.”

  We drop our bags by the couch and walk into the dining room. “Want help?”

  “Please!” Dylan nearly cries. “I hate wrapping.”

  “I’m not promising they are going to be pretty.” I take his place at the table and start folding boxes and putting clothing inside. He’s got little sticky notes on each piece with a first name and a number. “Those go on the tags so they get to the right kids.”

  “Do you say who it is from?”

  “No,” Alex responds. “It’s all anonymous.”

  “Will you see the kids open them?”

  “Nope,” Dylan answers. “Some will be delivered to the kids who have homes. Others will open them on Christmas morning when they come to the mission, if they don’t already live there.”

  “But you’re missing half the fun,” I complain. “Seeing the excitement of a kid at Christmas.”

  “It’s the rules.” Alex shrugs.

  “Unless we serve breakfast,” Dylan adds.

  “Those spots fill up by June, you know that.” Then he looks at me. “The people that serve on holidays.”

  I don’t get the problem.

  “It would just be nice to see them during non-holiday times.”

  “Hey, we don’t know they aren’t there and not doing anything else. It’s not like we are there every day.”

  One by one each of the guys return, all carrying bags, and somehow, I’m the one who ends up wrapping every single present. What the hell did they do before? Not that I mind because it’s fun. I only struggled with the pink rattle, teething ring, diapers, teddy bear and baby clothes. My eyes teared up, but I’m pretty sure I swiped them away before anyone saw.

  “You okay?” Alex asks quietly when I set the last wrapped present in the pile.

  “Yeah.”

  “Sean’s presents were tough.”

  I just nod. Apparently I didn’t hide my sadness enough. “Those are the same things Brandy would have needed her first Christmas.”

  Alex pulls me in his arms and hugs me. “I know. And, I’m sorry.”

  I sniff. “It’s okay. I know she’s had awesome Christmases. Better than anything I could have given her.”

  “Maybe she’ll be playing with Barbies this year.”

  I smile sadly. “I was picking things I would have picked for her.”

  “I know, though I wish I would have really looked at the card before asking you tag along, but I’m also glad I didn’t.”

  “Why?”

  “If I would have seen the age and gender, I would have probably gone on my own because I wouldn’t want to put you through that.”

  I look up into his blue, caring eyes. “I’m glad you did.” Then I pull away. “And, don’t try to protect me like that. There will always be little girls who are the same age as my daughter. I can’t avoid them all.”

  “Still, it can’t be easy. Not when doing stuff like this.”

  “Do you think I don’t wonder if a little girl is mine when I see them? The thought crossed my mind several times at the toy store. But, it’s okay. Maybe sometime, when she’s an adult, I’ll be a part of her life.”

  She’s amazing. The pain is there, and I don’t think that hole in her heart will ever be patched. Kelsey could go on to have ten kids once her life is settled, but none of them will
ever replace Brandy. One child cannot replace another, something I didn’t get, but Brandy will be a part of Kelsey no matter what. I do hope she gets to meet her daughter one day and that her daughter understands what a sacrifice it was and still is for Kelsey to give her up just so Brandy could have a better life.

  Kelsey yawns and stretches. “I think I need a nap.” She laughs. “Shopping and wrapping can wear a person out.”

  “Plus, we only got about four hours sleep last night.” I hold out my hand. “Come with me.”

  “That’s not necessary,” she says.

  “I want a nap too.” And, I want to hold and kiss her out of sight of my roommates. The two of us were having fun, but as the living room filled with the guys, I lost having Kelsey to myself. I don’t like sharing her any more than I have to.

  None of the guys are snickering about me napping with Kelsey. At least they’ve grown up in that sense, even if they still watch Saturday morning cartoons.

  “What do you want for supper, Kelsey?” Dylan calls as we are going up the stairs.

  She blinks at him.

  “You did all this, so I’m cooking for you.”

  “That is not necessary.”

  Dylan just lifts an eyebrow waiting.

  “Just throw a frozen pizza in the oven. Really, I’m not picky.”

  “Pizza it is.”

  “Why does it matter? He shouldn’t be cooking for me. I may be home for supper.” She asks after I close my bedroom door.

  “I hope you’re still here in a few hours. And, you did do all the work. We hate wrapping presents.”

  “It’s no big deal.” Kelsey shrugs. “I kind of liked it. It was fun. I’ve never done anything like that before.”

  I try to hide my yawn, but it’s impossible. “Let’s get some sleep.”

  Kelsey nods and crawls onto the bed. I grab a blanket and pull it over us and spoon around her. Even though we are fully clothed, I start getting hard. My body just reacts to everything that is Kelsey.

  “Alex.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I can feel your cock.”

  We are not going to rehash that conversation again, are we? “It’ll always be between us.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re not mad.”

  “No. I kind of like it.”