Then I heard somebody coughing. I looked to the corner, near my closet, and saw another random dude slurping on a crack pipe so hard, it must have made him choke. Still, he kept slurping.
When Rhonda felt my presence she turned her wide eyes on me and said, “Get the fuck out and close the muthafuckin’ door!”
I shook my head in disgust and walked out the room. The only safe place to go was outside, or the bathroom, and since the baby couldn’t be out in the open air, I picked up the pillowcase and was on my way to the bathroom.
A crackhead was on her way too, but I took one look at her and said, “Get the fuck away, crackhead bitch!”
And she made off like she was Road Runner, so it was safe to go into the bathroom with Star.
I closed and locked the door, sat the pillowcase down, and sat on the toilet. I held Star in my arms as long as I could, before my arms started aching. I ignored the ache.
When she started crying, I pulled out one of my breasts and fed her. I chuckled at how greedy she was. It seemed like she was never gonna get tired of the titty. She would suck, take a break, and go right back to it.
I watched her toes flex while she drank. Then I started thinking, Even if Rhonda decided to get the fuck out of my room, I couldn’t take the baby in there because the smell would stay in the room. I didn’t want my baby inhaling that.
After I burped her, I cradled her in one arm safely and spread two receiving blankets in the tub. Then I laid her down in there to sleep. It really was the best I could do.
Chapter 20
It turned out that the party lasted all day and into the damn night. The next day, I opened the windows in my bedroom to air it out, and I bundled up my baby the best I could with the flimsy receiving blankets and walked over to Danada’s house. I needed to get the baby stuff. Everything was still in the boxes, and with the little change I still had left, I figured I could take a cab back home with the stuff and set it up in my room.
Danada lived on Gundry Street, so the walk wasn’t that far. Her home was a lot more decent than mine. There were no crackheads there, just a stupid-ass mama, a punk-ass brother, and a fucked-up stepdad. I almost hated Danada’s mom as much as I hated mine, for letting that shit happen to her. Now that she was dead, I wondered how that made her feel.
Danada’s mom opened the door quickly, almost like she was expecting it to be Danada. Was she in denial about her being dead?
Every time I saw her, I couldn’t help but think to myself how much they looked alike. Danada was the spitting image of her mother, slender, with the same complexion and hair. Then why in the fuck did her boyfriend need to rape Danada when her mom looked just like her? Men were sick.
“Hi, Ms. Stewart.”
“Hello, Diamond. I see you had your baby.” She stared at Star cradled in my arms.
“Yeah.” I shifted Star in my arms.
“Can I see her?”
I twisted my lips to the side. What the fuck for? You and my daddy and mama are all alike, fucked-up, selfish parents, whose life is so fucked up, you want to get revenge by fucking up your kid’s life.
I peeled back the blanket from Star’s face and showed her.
“Awww, she is so pretty. And look at all that hair.” Her eyes watered. “You know Danada had hair like that when she was born.” She took a long, ragged breath.
“Yeah? Well, I was coming to get the stuff for the baby.” I wasn’t trying to get into no long-ass conversation with her. If she’d made different choices as a parent, Danada would have been still alive.
She looked at me confused. “We took that stuff over there a few days ago.”
“What?”
“Yeah. When Danada left that morning, she told me, not ‘I love you, Mama. I’ll miss you,’ but, ‘If anything was to happen to me, make sure Diamond gets the stuff for the baby.’ We dropped off the envelope too.”
I started to ask her why she thought something was going to happen to her.
Her voice cracked. “She left your address. It was easy to remember, eleven hundred Mahanna Street. I have a girlfriend that lives over there.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. I was praying I hadn’t heard her right. “To who? Who did you drop my baby’s stuff off to?” My heart started speeding up, and my body felt clammy all over.
“To a nice lady named Rhonda. I thought that was your mama. She said it would be in good hands with her.”
I walked off holding my baby. I knew that bitch had “cracked off” my baby’s things. Where else in the fuck could they be? If only I hadn’t stayed those two extra days in the hospital. That’s probably how she was able to have that all-day-and-night crack party. And if she didn’t refund me my shit, this was the day I was going to fuck her ass up anyway I could, with or without a weapon. There was no way my baby would be without her things. And all I had to my name was twenty bucks. I’m not playing with Rhonda this time.
I held the baby close to me as I crossed the street, past the library and MacArthur Park, to Mahanna Street. It seemed like I got there in a matter of seconds. I walked up the three steps to the porch and opened the door to the living room, yelling, “Bitch! I know you cracked off my shit. You either gonna give me the money back, or you gonna replace everything that’s gone! And I’m not playing, Rhonda!”
It wasn’t until I was done with my rant that I saw a white woman in the room. She was seated across from Rhonda and my daddy, and looking at me like I was shit on the back of her shoe.
I pulled Star closer to me and looked right back at her in the same way. I wondered if she was a social worker. My heart started pounding in my chest, and there was a serious pain there. I’d been having those pains since Danada death.
“Oh. Diamond, you just in time, honey. I want you to meet Tammy.”
Why is Rhonda being nice to me? She never ever in her life called me honey.
“Tabitha,” the white lady corrected. “Tabitha Black.”
“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded.
“Sit down,” Rhonda said.
I tossed a hand to Rhonda. “Who the fuck are you?”
“I work for God’s Children. You met with Melissa, I believe, back in January.”
“I met with who? Yo, what the fuck is going on? ’Cause I don’t know you or no damn Melissa.”
“We are an adoption agency. You signed these papers months ago for your daughter to be legally adopted by Shawn and Kari Cruz.”
I gasped and felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I looked at Rhonda.
“Diamond, why are you sitting here acting silly? You remember we had that talk, and I explained to you what your options were when you first found out you were pregnant? And you decided, against my urging, that it was best to give little—the baby up for adoption.”
“You know what, bitch? It’s enough that you sold all my baby’s shit, now you gonna sit here and lie and say I gave my baby away? I will fuckin’ kill you!”
An evil glint came over Rhonda’s eyes. “Calm down, honey. This is why I tell you not to take drugs.”
The white lady looked at me like she wanted to put me across her knee.
Star moaned in her sleep.
“I ain’t signed no papers, and I have no intention of giving my baby away. I love her, and I want to keep her.”
“It’s too late,” Rhonda said. “You already signed them.”
“Why the fuck are you lying? Am I in the twilight zone?” I turned and looked at my father. “Daddy, you just gonna sit here and let them take my fuckin’ baby?”
“You don’t need no baby. You tried to kill her the other day.”
“What! No, that was your bitch who gave me the castor oil!”
The white lady exploded on me like she was holding it in all the time. “You know, you blame everyone else for your mistakes, young lady. Your aunt told me all about you. You don’t deserve to be a mom to a rattlesnake, let alone a baby. Your aunt told me about all the awful things you were doing during your pregnancy. I see lit
tle black girls like you all the time, taking drugs, drinking, and prostituting themselves. I have no problem at all taking this precious baby away even through illegal means, if necessary. But I don’t have to, because you signed the papers. And we have a legal clause. Once you sign your baby over to a family, you cannot come back and reclaim her. You signed her away.”
“Look, bitch, you not taking my baby!”
“It’s already been done.” Tabitha showed me some papers with my name on them and my signature, saying I gave the baby to her.
I slapped them out of her hand and hauled a free fist back to punch her. That’s when my dad grabbed me, and I grasped onto my baby so she wouldn’t fall.
“Give me that bit- give me the baby, Diamond,” Rhonda said.
“No!” I held my baby as tight as I could without hurting her.
“Do something before she hurts the baby,” Tabitha said.
“Shut up, bitch! You not getting my baby!”
Then my father did the unthinkable. He hooked his arm like a V around my neck. “Let the baby go, Diamond.”
I refused, even as he applied pressure to my neck. He gripped tighter and tighter until I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. As soon as my hold on my baby loosened, Rhonda scooped my baby in her arms and passed her to Tabitha.
Star started ’larming up the place, and I started crying as the lady tightened her hold on my daughter. My father still had his arm wrapped around my neck, so I couldn’t do too much moving.
“Daddy, you ain’t never done nothing for me in my life. So for once I am begging you, don’t do this. Don’t let them take my baby away, please.”
“You don’t need no baby, so shut up.”
I fought him though. I scratched at his arms and tried to slip out of his arm by sliding to the floor. But he grabbed me by my hair and yanked me back up. I reached a leg out and tried to kick Rhonda.
She stepped back and shook her head at me. “You really shouldn’t act so uncivilized, Diamond.”
“Fuck you! You crackhead bitch!”
The white bitch shook her head at me. “Might I suggest you get her tubes tied.”
“Bitch, I’m gonna kill you!”
She shook her head at me and walked out the house with my baby in her arms.
Chapter 21
Maybe that lady was right. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have Star. Yes, I wanted to keep her. Yes, I loved her. But maybe I wasn’t the best thing for her. Maybe she would end up fucked up like me or have to go through the shit I went through.
But I missed her and wanted her back. Damn! It hurt. I cried every day. I didn’t sleep. I would hear her cry, feel her on my breast sucking my milk. My breasts were so swollen with milk, I couldn’t lay down comfortably.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I hid myself in my room. I didn’t eat shit. I only sipped water from the bathroom when I had to pee then I went back to my room and back to sleep.
And Rhonda was partying it up while my daddy continued to consume his liquor. I didn’t care about much of nothing, so when Otis came into my room one night, I didn’t fight him when he slipped the pipe in my mouth and didn’t care to stop him when his dick found its way into my mouth.
I got up the next morning and I went to the last place I expected to go. Back to Murder’s house. I didn’t want nothing from him, except for help getting high. And I was willing to take whatever he was willing to give me, to get the image of Otis panting above me with his sweat pouring off his face on mine, the image of that car Danada was in flipping over and over, and most of all, the sound of my baby’s cry and her little face. These are the things I was running away from.
I wondered if my daughter would grow up to hate me like I hated my mother. And I swear, as sure as the sun is shining that if I ever found out who and where my mother was, I was going to go after her ass with vengance. She was gonna seriously pay for abandoning me. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me, that’s it. Fuck a big house, fancy clothes. Just my mama’s love. That’s all I ever dreamed of since I was little. And I never got it.
I knocked on Murder’s door, and he let me in. I sat down not really giving a fuck that he had fucked Gutter because, truthfully, I didn’t want to fuck either of them. Their little secret was safe with me. All I wanted was some bud.
But I wondered if his girl knew. She wasn’t there at the moment, so it was just me and him.
“What it do, Li’l Deadly?” he asked when I plopped down on his couch.
“Everything’s good.”
“Yeah? You ain’t been around in a minute, girl.” He puffed on his cigarette.
I shrugged. “I just been busy and shit. You heard about what happened to Danada?”
“Yeah, man. That was my best worker.” Then he shrugged. “But I see I got you back now.”
Damn! That’s how he saw Danada, just as a way to make him money? “You got some bud?” I asked.
“Damn, nigga! You just arrived on the scene after a minute and want some seed?”
I nodded and watched him open a fresh blunt, split it open, and add some weed to it. He rolled it back up and licked it. Once he lit it and took a long puff, he passed it to me.
That shit made me feel good. Cool, relaxed, not a worry. Those demons that had been chasing me were out of sight and out of mind.
“Damn! This some good-ass weed,” I told him.
I kept taking long drags from it. Then I lay back on the couch. Next thing I knew, Murder was peeling my clothes away. And, yeah, I was high, but not so high that I forgot the nigga liked fucking niggas.
I tried to push him away. “Stop!”
Out of nowhere, he gripped his hands around my neck. “Bitch, you think you gonna smoke my weed and hold out on the pussy?”
As I struggled against him, he tightened his hold on my neck. “Relax!”
I closed my eyes briefly and bit my lip as he lifted my shirt and started licking my nipples. Breast milk started dripping out of them, and he asked no questions, just slurped it up like he was an infant.
His other hand dropped to my crotch, and he slipped it in there. I was still bleeding, but I wondered if he even noticed. “Damn, baby, you already wet,” he said against my breast.
The thought of sleeping with him made me sick, but I knew I had to, for the weed I had smoked.
Just as he started pulling my pants down, the living room door flew open and his girl stalked in the living room and stood in front of us.
“Muthafucka, how long do you expect me to put up with you fuckin’ other bitches in front of me?”
“Bitch, shut the fuck up!”
“No, you shut the fuck up!”
He ignored her and went back to sucking on my titties.
“Oh, you gonna keep disrespecting me?” She rushed out the room, and in a flash, came back with a gun. First, she pointed it at me, and then at Murder.
I jumped and yanked myself away from Murder, putting my hands up in peace.
“Tell me something, Murder,” she said in a cold voice. “Is she how your muthafuckin’ ass got AIDS and gave it to me?”
She had AIDS? One thing was for sure. I didn’t have it. They tested me when I was pregnant with Star. So somebody else gave him that.
I looked at Murder. He looked unfazed.
“Bitch, I ain’t got no damn AIDS.”
She took a balled up paper out of her purse and tossed it at him. “Read it if you don’t believe me.”
When he ignored her, she aimed the gun at me again. “Pick that shit up.”
I did. I then unballed it and scanned the paper. It was a copy of blood work results.
“Read it.”
I read the results to her that said she had full-blown AIDS. Not HIV, but AIDS.
“Man, you tripping,” Murder said.
In a shaky voice, she asked me, “Now, bitch, did you do this to me?”
“I just had a baby. I ain’t got AIDS.”
“Who the daddy of your baby?” she asked in a low t
one.
Damn! “This g-guy named—”
“Bitch, don’t lie! Is it Murder’s baby? You better answer, ’fore I blow your fuckin’ head off!”
I closed my eyes.
“Is it?”
I nodded.
She tossed her head back and started looking at the ceiling and moaned.
I looked at Murder, who seemed still unfazed by the chick. He grabbed the TV remote and flicked through the channels.
Trina started slapping herself in the head with the gun. “Why did I let you send me through this? Why did I let you do this to me?”
Murder cleared his throat as he settled on BET.
“I love you. Why you had to dog me out, Murder? You can’t answer me?”
“You talking that bull—”
Trina fired the gun, sending the bullet right through his forehead. Murder’s body fell on mine, and blood shot from his forehead.
I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. That’s when she turned to gun on me. I started crying, begging her at the same time not to shoot me.
“I’m sorry.” As I pleaded with her, for the first time in my sad life, I prayed to God that she didn’t kill me.
She looked at Murder’s dead body and started sobbing like she all of a sudden realized that he was dead. She sat down on the couch across from me.
“A baby. How old are you?”
“Fifteen, almost sixteen, ma’am.”
“Oh, now I’m ma’am. I wasn’t ma’am when you was fuckin’ my man, was I?”
I looked away.
“Was I?”
“No.”
“A baby.” She sat the gun in her lap.
For a moment I contemplated getting up and running out the apartment, but I didn’t because I was scared she would shoot me in the back.
“I guess you gave him something I never could. I have been with him since I was fourteen. He was my first. He kept fuckin’ around on me and gave me chlamydia. I didn’t catch it in time to cure it, so it fucked me up to the point where I couldn’t have kids. But I didn’t trip because I still had my health, and when he was sticking his dick in those other hoes, I thought it could have always been worse. I could have had AIDS.”
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