“It’s all right, sugar. Let’s get those pesky questions out of the way.”
“Stop me if I’m crossing the line,” Zeb said.
“You did that a long time ago,” Alex remarked, “but the intrusion is softened by your sincerity. It’s obvious you’re asking for information because you care.”
“Care?” Zeb puzzled. “Didn’t you hear what I said earlier? I love you.”
“And I love you too, but being with me won’t be easy,” Alex confessed. “Normal challenges couples face on a daily basis will be magnified after throwing in all my baggage. If you want to rethink your declaration, I’ll understand. Words flow at the height of passion and sometimes they’re a mistake.”
“Thanks for the warning,” Zeb declared with a hint of anger. “I’m more than aware it won’t be smooth sailing for us, but you’re insulting me whenever you push me away. Why can’t you just embrace my love outright?”
Alex bit his quivering lower lip, and tears flooded his eyes, turning them into a brilliant spectrum of green. Haltingly, he admitted, “I have… trust issues.”
“Rightly so,” Zeb said. “Won’t you give me a chance to prove I can live up to your expectations? I may not get it right the first time, but that doesn’t mean I never will. Eventually I’ll figure it out.”
Alex’s nod was imperceptible, but the bear hug that followed spoke volumes. It took a while to get himself under control, but Zeb knew things were back to normal when Alex prompted, “What were you going to ask before we got derailed?”
“Are you sure this is a good time?”
“Go ahead.”
“Did you have second thoughts about transitioning after you had Gabby?”
“No, it just delayed everything.”
“How so?”
“I wanted to give her every advantage, and that included breastfeeding.”
“Ah….”
“Weird?”
“No, just kind of surreal.”
“In what way?” Alex asked.
“It’s difficult to imagine you with boobs.”
“Worst. Experience. Ever. Thank fuck they’re gone.”
Zeb snorted. “I’ll pass on the gory details. You said you had to wait until you were legal to have top surgery and the hysterectomy. That was only two years ago?”
“I had my surgery in Paris the day after my eighteenth birthday.”
“So it’s been over five years.”
“Yes.”
Zeb kissed Alex on the cheek. “Thanks for answering. Right now I could use some of that breakfast you promised earlier.”
“Let’s go,” Alex said. He reached for his robe and shrugged it on leisurely instead of scurrying off like he’d done in the past. Zeb got a good view of Alex’s perfectly rounded ass and would have pulled him back down for round two, but Alex was already out the door.
Chapter 15
THE EUPHORIA that comes with catharsis transformed Alex overnight. Second-guessing and moments of hesitation that had previously weighed him down disappeared in the wake of his revelation. Zeb soaked up the new attitude, turning confidently demonstrative, and ditched the last of his filters. To be fair, they’d barely existed in the first place, but spelling out their feelings had provided the cushion they both needed.
Tactile by nature, Zeb didn’t hesitate to hug Alex while he stood over the sink, or initiate sex whenever they slouched on the sofa watching TV. He’d even persuaded Alex to forgo the soft pack while they were at home. It was just another barrier that had to be removed before lovemaking, and although it was part and parcel of Alex’s daily attire, here, in the privacy of the apartment, he could be himself. The person Zeb was in love with unconditionally.
Alex mentioned how much it meant to be able to live his most authentic self, minus the pressure of measuring up to society’s interpretation of masculinity. Zeb’s yardstick was nowhere close to mainstream. From the beginning, he’d been adamant about giving as much pleasure as he received, and Alex’s genitalia didn’t seem to factor at all; it was the end result that mattered. Perhaps it was the dichotomy between his public and private persona that appealed to Zeb. It was impossible to second-guess the human psyche, but in Zeb’s case, he seemed more drawn to Alex’s other attributes.
They were spooning on the sofa with Bacon curled up at their feet. Last night’s performance of Hamilton had lived up to all the hype, and they were still talking about it late into the afternoon. As a resident of Manhattan, Alex routinely ran into larger-than-life personalities, but it was all new to Zeb, and last night, when movers and shakers were spotted only a few theater seats away, it was hard not to gawk.
“Which did you enjoy more?” Alex asked, pressing a kiss again Zeb’s neck “The show or the celebs?”
“Both,” Zeb decided. “This time next year we’ll have another date night on Broadway.”
“You seem mighty sure we’ll be together,” Alex drawled.
“Unless the world ends between now and then,” Zeb said, “I don’t see why we won’t be a couple.”
“I love your optimism,” Alex voiced. “It’s one of your best qualities.”
“Thank you,” Zeb replied. “I guess I’ve had an easy life, compared to yours that is, and being upbeat comes naturally.”
“Didn’t you mention your father’s a controlling creep?”
“Yeah, but mostly about my career. None of us kids ever thought to contradict him, and it came as a big surprise when I told him I didn’t want to be an architect.”
“What happened to freedom of choice?”
“He felt it was his duty as my father to set me on the right path. Since I excelled in math and could sketch reasonably well, he reasoned that I had the necessary qualifications to become a good architect. No amount of persuasion on my part could change his mind.”
“And yet you feel you’ve had a good childhood?”
“For the most part.”
“Then why didn’t you call these paragons of virtue on Christmas?”
“Don’t remind me,” Zeb said guiltily. “Hopefully they were too caught up in the celebration to notice.”
“I doubt that.”
“Well, phones work both ways,” Zeb reminded him.
“Would you like to call them now?” Alex asked.
“No, but I’d love to skype with Gabby.”
“Yeah?”
“If you don’t mind?”
“Not at all. I’ll get it set up,” Alex said. “How about putting on a T-shirt?”
“Did you really think I was going to talk to her like this?” Zeb asked, pointing at his bare chest.
Alex raised both eyebrows.
Zeb frowned. “I might not be a parent, but I know what’s good for an eight-year-old.”
“Good to know,” Alex said. “Not that I object to partial nudity, but it’s for my eyes only.”
“Speaking of getting naked,” Zeb said. “Don’t you have to strip in front of designers and their minions?”
“Down to my briefs,” Alex said. “I’ve never consented to anything more.”
“They’re cool with that?”
“What choice do they have? I’m not an indentured servant, sugar. My contract has clear guidelines on what I’ll allow, and if they want more, they can hire someone else.”
“Aren’t you concerned it’ll affect your career?”
“Not really. Most photogs fixate on my face more than my body.”
“I don’t blame them. Your eyes should be insured for a million dollars.”
“Stop,” Alex said shyly.
“Don’t be so damned modest,” Zeb rebuked. “Own your beauty.”
“Gabby’s eyes are exactly like mine,” Alex bragged. “I’ll sing her praises any day.”
“Apples and trees….” Zeb murmured, heading down the hallway toward the bedroom.
Alex was already chatting with Gabby when Zeb returned. He took his eyes off the screen for a second and pulled Zeb close.
“Gabby,
I’d like you to meet my new friend, Zeb. He’s from the Philippines.”
Gabby stared. “Is that near New York?”
“No, sugar. It’s a country near China.”
“Oh. Do they have panda bears?” Gabby asked excitedly. “I love pandas.”
“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
“Hello, Gabby,” Zeb said, pulling up a chair and sitting beside Alex. He gaped at the little girl who was staring at him wide-eyed. Her dark hair framed the tiny face in a mass of wild curls. She was Alex’s mirror image, and Zeb wondered if she’d be tall as well. Was he looking at a future supermodel?
“Hi,” she responded shyly. “Do you have pandas in your country?”
Zeb shook his head. “No, but we have beautiful beaches and all kinds of tropical fish.”
“You can’t hug a fish,” Gabby said, pouting.
Zeb smiled. “That’s true, but you can admire them. How was your Christmas?”
“Santa brought me a two-wheeler.”
“Ooh, that sounds nice. What color?” Zeb asked.
“Red.”
“Awesome,” Zeb gushed. “Is this your first bike?”
“No, silly.”
“Gabs, don’t call Zeb names. That’s not nice,” Alex scolded mildly.
She blinked rapidly and looked on the verge of tears. “I’m sorry.”
“No worries,” Zeb said easily. “I know you were teasing.”
“I was,” she said, brightening up again. “Do you have a bike, Zeb?”
“Back home I do.”
“Mine has a bell and a small basket where I can put my Barbies.”
“Does it have training wheels?”
“Yes, but Papa will take them off soon.”
“I’d like to see that,” Alex interjected. “Ask Maman to take a vid the next time you’re on the bike.”
“Okay,” Gabby said. “What did Santa get you for Christmas, Alex?”
Alex gave Zeb a sidelong glance. Turning back to Gabby, he said, “A heart-shaped picture frame.”
“What else?”
“It’s a really special frame,” Alex said.
“What about you, Zeb?”
“I got tickets to see a play.”
Gabby looked from Alex to Zeb and made a moue of disgust. “I don’t want to grow up. Those are awful presents.”
They laughed at her sweeping statement.
“Can I wish Bacon a Merry Christmas?” Gabby asked.
Alex reached down for the poodle, who was pawing his leg after hearing his name.
“Hi, puppy,” Gabby crooned.
Bacon yipped and wagged, trying to lunge at the screen. After a few minutes, Alex put him back down.
“Gabs, is there anything else?”
“Are you coming to visit soon?” she asked hopefully.
“Not for a while.”
“Why not?” she whined. “I miss you.”
“Aww, baby. I miss you too. Let me take a look at my schedule, okay? Maybe I can sneak in a weekend visit.”
“’Kay. Is Zeb your boyfriend?”
Alex turned to Zeb, who ended up answering her question.
“That’s right, Gabby. I’m your brother’s boyfriend.”
“Good,” she chirped excitedly. “Do you make kissy faces like on TV?”
Alex shook his head. “Run along, sugar. I’ll talk to you soon.”
When Alex disconnected, Zeb straddled him and pressed their foreheads together. “She’s sweet, beautiful, and charming. Exactly like you.”
“Thank you,” Alex said. “I love her very much.”
“It’s obviously mutual.”
Alex nodded. “We’re pretty tight.”
“Are you really going to try and get down there?”
“Yeah, I think a visit is long overdue,” Alex admitted.
“Are you going to invite me?”
Surprised, Alex asked, “Would you come?”
“Of course!”
“I love you,” Alex breathed, sealing the deal with a kiss.
“Let’s move back to the sofa,” Zeb suggested.
“So we can kissy face in comfort?” Alex asked.
Zeb snorted. “That was funny.”
“I hope my parents monitor her TV shows.”
“Did they restrict you?”
“Never,” Alex said. “I could read or watch anything I wanted.”
“Interesting,” Zeb said. “If this is something that’s important to you, I’d mention it next time you go home.”
Alex shook his head. “When I asked them to adopt Gabby, I made it clear that they’d be the parents, and I would be her sibling. It’s not my place to tell them how to raise a child. They did a fine job with me, and I know they’ll do right by her.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion.”
“What if they get upset?”
“I doubt it. Parents can’t be around all the time. They might not realize how much things have changed since you were a kid. One click of the remote could lead her to programs that are totally inappropriate for her age.”
“That’s true,” Alex said, frowning. “Maybe I will mention it.”
“Just recount our conversation and say she might be watching shows that aren’t kid friendly.”
“Okay,” Alex agreed.
They ended up staying in that night, binge-watching The Fall and drooling over Jamie Dornan’s backside.
“God, he’s hot,” Alex said, never taking his eyes off the flat screen.
“Even if he’s a wacked-out serial killer?”
“Not in real life,” Alex countered.
“Maybe you’ll bump into him next time you’re in London.”
Alex rolled his eyes. “You think these people wander the streets like normal folk?”
“They do here.”
“True. You know who I saw on the subway once?”
“Who?” Zeb asked.
“Jake Gyllenhaal.”
“No shit,” Zeb gushed. “Did you ask for his autograph?”
“Nah. He was plugged into his phone the entire ride. The last thing he needed was an intrusion.”
“How do you know?”
“Just a wild guess.”
“I would have totally gone for it.”
“You would.” Alex groaned. “Boundaries are not your forte.”
“Life would be so dull if we were both introverts,” Zeb pointed out.
“Probably so,” Alex said. “How about we move this discussion to the bedroom?”
Chapter 16
THE DAYS leading up to New Year’s Eve were remarkably ordinary, yet Alex had never been happier. Since becoming a model, he’d traveled all over the world, grateful to have experienced the glamorous and, oftentimes, exotic, but it was the everyday interactions with Zeb that gave him the most pleasure. Cuddling on the sofa and exchanging confidences without reservation were not only reassuring but necessary in building trust.
Zeb’s positive reinforcement and unguarded expressions of love had raised Alex’s low expectations to unprecedented levels. He hadn’t been this optimistic since escaping the judgmental environment of his hometown. Back then, he’d convinced himself that finding true love was simply a question of moving. That naïve assumption ended all too quickly.
After being disappointed time and again, Alex had given up on finding Mr. Right, until Zeb, a stranger from another culture and ethnicity, showed up on the scene. He had to keep pinching himself to make sure the guy wasn’t a dream. Zeb was everything he could ask for in a boyfriend: intelligent, loving, unburdened by guilt, oblivious to the occasional raised eyebrow, unassumingly sexy, and as affectionate and playful as a new puppy. In his presence, Alex could forget the miserable past and focus on a brighter future.
Zeb had assured him repeatedly that he didn’t need to be entertained, but Alex thought it would benefit them both to see as much of New York City as they could before Zeb returned to Ithaca. Once classes started again, and Alex return
ed to work, there was no predicting when they’d have another opportunity to get together. They had to milk their holiday for all its worth. This included visits to museums, taking advantage of post-Christmas sales, catching the hop-on hop-off bus tours to places like SoHo for a walking tour of Little Italy and Chinatown, admiring and haggling over designer knockoffs on Canal Street, and having dinner at an Asian fusion place, where Zeb showed Alex the proper way to use chopsticks, and they died laughing when most of his food ended up on the tablecloth.
On one particularly good weather day, they took the subway down to Battery Park, and then the ferry out to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty for a three-hour tour. They walked for miles down Fifth Avenue, held hands at the movies, and enjoyed a quiet dinner in Greenwich Village. These were activities Alex had often observed from afar—and dreamed of enjoying with the right person—but never thought he’d find. The shift in his attitude was gradual, and he realized it would take more than a week of Zeb’s motivational speeches to banish all his demons, but he was starting to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel that had been his life.
On the thirty-first, Alex woke up earlier than he’d planned. Baked goods had been on his mind before drifting off last night, and the need to get started before Zeb was up and about probably set his body clock. Carefully, he repositioned their tangled limbs and slid out of bed. Zeb mewled in protest, hugged a pillow to replace Alex’s warmth, and resumed his soft snoring.
Alex reached for his robe and padded down the hallway to the kitchen. He started a pot of coffee and began assembling the necessary ingredients for a double batch of chewy peanut butter bars to take to the party later on that day. For all his success as a model, Alex continued to enjoy cooking, and sharing his culinary talent with people he cared for gave him immense pleasure. Thankfully, today’s dessert was effortless, and after he’d put the baking dishes in the oven, he poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down to wait until the timer went off.
On his iPad, he browsed New Year’s Eve traditions in the Philippines to make sure there wasn’t something special he needed to know. On the surface, their celebration was quite similar to Western cultures, with fireworks and food taking top billing. Zeb’s extended family in Queens had been a welcome surprise, and Alex wanted to fit in as much as possible. Showing up with a tray of goodies wouldn’t go amiss, and he hoped the Morenos liked peanut butter as much as Zeb. The family had been remarkably accepting when they’d first met, and Mrs. Moreno had insisted he call her “Auntie” rather than the more formal Mrs. They’d exchanged recipes like old friends, and Alex was eager for a repeat.
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