by Sarina Dorie
“I will happily lend my sister,” Taishi said with a smile that showed his relief. “But I notice you have no females to offer me in your party.”
“True. I suggest we forgo the reciprocal nature of this tradition.” The sly smile on the old man’s face told me he was about to say something in jest. “Unless you wish to have a man instead.”
Taishi’s face turned redder. The Tanukijin chuckled and elbowed each other. It was the tanuki spirit in Shiromainu’s belly, the kamuy of a clever trickster who outwitted his enemies. I knew Shiromainu well enough now to see his words weren’t to humiliate my brother, but to examine my brother’s wit and character. His response was important.
The grandmothers clucked their tongues in admonishment at the crudeness of Shiromainu’s joke. It was fortunate Shiromainu was just as old as they were and he was allowed to say what he pleased. My brother made no joke in return. He didn’t show his wit. He didn’t understand how to gain the Tanukijin’s respect.
I cleared my throat. “Pardon me, Shiromainu Nipa. Might I speak on my brother’s behalf?”
Taishi shook his head at me as he often did with Faith when he could tell she had said too much, but Shiromainu bowed to me. “Please, Sumiko-sama, I always look forward to hearing your wisdom.”
I grinned to show I was teasing. “I do hope that you’re prepared to make some kind of sacrifice to my brother for your inadequate offering. You have brought him no women. You offer my brother a man for memory exchange.” I waved my hand at the male warriors assembled behind him. “But I only see boys here.”
One of the grandmothers gasped and muttered about my rudeness, but Shiromainu slapped his knee and chuckled. I’d evened out the insults between them.
“You do know your sister is quite skilled in bargaining?” Shiromainu said to Taishi. “I suppose I must offer you something worthy after all. Will two weeks’ supply of fruit and dried jerky help make this a more adequate trade?”
His generosity was too much! I could have thrown my arms around Shiromainu and kissed him. Only, I wasn’t sure he would know what to do with that gaijin gesture.
I happily went with Shiromainu to his palace again. Before we left, Taishi told me, “We have a saying in our tribe, one our mother used to tell me. Give until it hurts.”
That was all he said. He didn’t even say good luck or good bye, just that. I tried not to let my disappointment show. At least Faith hugged and kissed me good bye. And yet, if Taishi had asked me to gouge out my eyes because he thought it would help, I would have done so because he was my brother and my nipa.
I sat on the top of a giant chiramantep, Shiromainu’s arm around me. His arm felt thinner as he hugged me, and we had to stop so he could rest during the second hour. His face looked more wrinkled than the last time I’d seen him, if such a thing were possible since he’d already resembled a worn out piece of leather. I noticed we headed west through the stick forest instead of north.
“Are we not traveling the same way as before?” I asked.
“We cannot. The off-worlders now have settlements that lie between our villages. We must go around.”
It was a two-day journey. Throughout he peppered me with questions.
“Have you bled since the last time we spoke?”
“No,” I said so quietly my answer was carried away by the wind.
“Do not feel discouraged. It is a common problem when food is scarce. And you are not even thirteen. Many girls don’t become women until they are older.”
“I’m fourteen,” I said.
He laughed as though this was a joke, though it wasn’t a matter to make light of for me. If I had been a woman instead of a girl, would it have changed anything? In my mind I imagined it to be so. He might have believed I saw Faith through an adult’s eyes, not with the naiveté of a child.
He made no complaint of my inability to convince Faith. But I could hear it in his words. “You must eat up all you can while you are among the Tanukijin, so that you will go home stronger than you arrived. Wait until your family sees how well life has treated you with my tribe. They will be jealous. Hetsu-san will beg to be my wife then.”
He still couldn’t say her name. He didn’t know Faith very well if that’s what he thought would convince her. My tribe would be disgusted with me if they had to remain in the cave to show their loyalty to my brother rather than go where life would be more comfortable.
The time I spent amongst the Tanukijin was a welcome respite after my long days of hard work at home. The former Chiramantepjin greeted me with hugs and smiles and asked me many questions. Midori was now round with child. Ursai lifted me up into the air like I was a doll. I would swear he’d gotten even hairier. Poor Midori, I didn’t know how she could stand it. Even Munin, whom I’d always thought had hated me, ran up and bowed to me.
Tanukijin grandmothers who had previously chided me welcomed me to the women’s chamber to rest. They fed me and clothed me, pampering me like I was their favorite granddaughter. Grandma Pirka gossiped with me about people I’d forgotten the names of and told me how well the tribe was doing, how tranquil the counsel was, and what a pleasant winter it had been for all in the village.
It was strange being in the Tanukijin village and no longer being an outsider. I was no longer sisam here.
My first day in the Tanukijin palace, Shiromainu took me on a tour so all his tribe could greet me. He leaned heavily on his cane, becoming winded easily.
Opere was the first of my friends I encountered. She threw her arms around me and whispered in my ear. “Have you noticed how I’ve changed?”
“You are taller?” I asked. She was prettier too. Her face was rounder.
She ducked her chin down and glanced down at herself. I still didn’t understand what she implied.
“Can’t you tell? I have two breasts now.”
I laughed. She was still small and she wore so many layers I could hardly tell the difference. “I suppose I will see in the onsen.” I sealed my lips together then, afraid I might make her uncomfortable, but she nodded emphatically. I tried to remind myself it was normal to see other women naked. No one would suspect I looked with a boy’s eyes if I didn’t act ashamed.
There was an excitement in the air whenever I came into a room, a hopeful exuberance that hadn’t been there the time before. Grandmothers bowed to me even when I wasn’t in Shiromainu’s presence. Had I changed? Or was it the tribe without the presence of Petennouk?
Shiromainu Nipa invited me to council meetings and was affectionate with me in private. I shared memories of Faith and my brother in the hope that I might be able to show him something different than I had previously. As before, I acquired a rash on my hands and my back where Shiromainu touched me with memory moss.
In my heart, though, I knew I had no memory that could convince Shiromainu to accept all my family and tribe. He had wanted Faith to come herself.
One night as he wiped the moss off my back with a towel after memory exchange, I asked, “What if I get her to give me her memories? Then I can give them to you.” I knew it was improper. Women weren’t supposed to share with each other during memory exchange, but Shiromainu wasn’t a slave to tradition like some of the other elders.
He handed me my attush. I wrapped the robe around myself. When he didn’t answer, I went on. “Faith-san doesn’t fear women the way she fears men. You will then see her memories through me, and perhaps you will welcome us all to your palace.” If there was one person I would like to share the euphoric feeling of memory exchange with, it was her.
“My sweet anata, I know you mean well, but I would be disrespecting tradition if I told you to acquire memories this way. Anyone who found out what you’d done would shun you.”
“But why? Why do we have these traditions?” I was as baffled about this as I was about Faith not permitting memory exchange at all.
“Memory moss is too intimate to be shared between two women or two men. It will make you
desire the wrong sex, and this will cause problems later in your life.”
“What kind of problems?” It was hard to imagine I could make my problems worse, since I already desired Faith.
“Aren’t you full of questions? In another year I will tell you, ne?” He patted me on the head like I was a child. I hated it when my elders did that. “Once you have bled and have been given the proper knowledge by the grandmothers, then you will be old enough to understand.”
That was the kind of thing Grandmother Ami told me when I asked too many questions. It didn’t make the grandmothers stop gossiping about pillowing in my presence. In the onsen, the grandmothers talked about men who bedded men in the past and how they should have been exiled for such crimes. Did they think I didn’t have ears?
This time with the Tanukijin was uneventful compared to the previous tsuma no koukan. I didn’t save the Nipa from being injured by any family members, and I didn’t experience open hostility from anyone in my time there. I savored my times in the bath house and playing instruments with my friends. Life would have been perfect except that my conscience was weighed down by the fact that I had failed in my task to bring Faith for memory exchange.
Each night I thought of her, of her stubbornness that made us all suffer, of her silly gaijin superstitions and lack of ability to understand ours. I also thought of her long lashes casting spidery shadows against her pale skin in the firelight, the way she created beauty by painting borders of flowers with black ink on the hide doorway, and the way she cuddled beside me in her sleep. When I remembered the contours of her ample bosom, it made my cheeks grow warm.
My time with the Tanukijin went by too quickly.
Upon our return to the Chiramantepjin cave, Shiromainu spoke for a great length of time with my brother before the formalities of our ceremony. The Tanukijin leader’s answer was the same as before; he would not permit Faith to come, but anyone wishing to do so could join his people. Two elders left our tribe to go with him.
“As before, if Sumiko-sama wishes to return with me, she may do so. I would happily take her as my permanent bride. And if that doesn’t please her, Hekketek’s family has offered to adopt her so she could have a sister and a family in my tribe.”
It was a great honor. I glanced at my brother before I bowed. From the flat line of his lips I couldn’t tell what he wanted me to do. Probably he wanted me to leave so I wouldn’t be a burden. But if I did that, I would never be able to convince Faith.
“Thank you for the offer,” I said. “Please thank Hekketek-chan’s family for the honor, but my duty is here.”
Shiromainu was to come after the following winter again. I resumed my wheedling of Faith. Only, after the winter, he didn’t come. Travel was more dangerous than ever. New airships flew overhead all the time. Sometimes we saw them battle in the distance, sending down blue lightning that started fires in the plains or the forests. As if food wasn’t scarce enough, the off-worlders made it even harder to forage.
I turned fifteen and Shiromainu still didn’t come. I thought he’d forgotten about his promise to me. He’d simply said those things out of geari and had no intention of giving Faith another chance. Tomomi Sensei often looked pensively toward her home, and I knew she wanted to leave, but she remained loyal to her new tribe and new nipa.
Surely Shiromainu had been delayed. He would come any day now. That meant I had to make Faith see how important it was for her to perform the memory exchange. There was only one way I could get those memories from her.
I would have to perform memory exchange with Faith myself, even if it made me a rule-breaker and someone who disobeyed traditions.
Chapter Seventeen
When on the planet Aynu-Mosir, I never felt like a “gaijin.” I learned the language and customs, but that also meant giving up my own. Not everyone has the ability to assimilate into another culture. My father and sister couldn’t do it. Had I remained on the planet as I desired, I could have become one of the Chiramantepjin.
—From the diaries of Felicity Earnshaw
Shiromainu had told me he couldn’t condone me sharing memories with a woman. He said others would shun me. He didn’t say it was impossible. He didn’t say he would shun me.
Even if I was shunned, what did it matter when my other option was to do nothing and allow everyone to starve and die?
I scavenged a lump of memory moss from the stream banks where it grew on rocks. The snow had melted enough to make the water run strong and clear. Foliage sprouted along the banks, plants I didn’t recognize that Faith said were gaijin foods that must have blown this way in the wind.
Several times I considered whether it was a good night for memory exchange, but I always lost my nerve. Finally, I chose a night Faith went to bed early. She isolated herself in her tent of blankets with Michi, saying she had a headache. With Michi asleep and Faith not feeling well, that meant everyone would leave her be.
I squeezed a lump of fresh memory moss in my palms, keeping it out of view lest anyone see me. Silently I stole inside Faith’s blanket tent. Michi slept beside Faith, her breathing deep and easy. At six years old she looked like a miniature Faith with her pale skin and golden hair. The flickers of the fire created dancing shadows across the hides and blanket tent. I hesitated just within when I saw Faith’s shoulders shaking with silent tears.
I didn’t want to disturb her. Yet, if I didn’t do this now, I might lose my courage again. I slipped underneath the covers and snuggled up to her. She glanced over her shoulder and hastily wiped her swollen eyes. I kissed her cheek, in the way she did to Michi to show her affection. Taishi often said his real wife had kissed him in this way, but I’d never seen Faith do so with him since she didn’t consider him a true husband. I felt special she should welcome my kisses and not his.
“Anata,” I said, using the endearment. “Let me ease your suffering.”
I gave her a memory of eating sweet fruit in the summer. It was nothing special, but it was a break from our current situation of starvation and hardships. I only gave her happy thoughts. There would be time enough for memories meant to convince her of Shiromainu’s goodness on another occasion.
I made this memory a small one. I didn’t want to incur my brother’s shame should he catch us.
The following morning, Tomomi Sensei was up earliest. She sat next to the fire, setting the ceramic pot of water to be heated. She waved me closer.
I greeted her with the usual morning pleasantries. She threw a clean rag at me and nodded to a small basin of water next to her feet.
Her gravelly voice was a gentle growl. “Wash yourself before someone sees you.”
“Huh?” I asked, too groggy from sleep to comprehend her command. “Nani?”
She nodded to my hands. Green remnants of moss had dried under my fingernails. I balled up my hands into fists and hid them behind my back.
“Don’t let your brother catch his geari wife with any on her either.”
I hastily washed and then offered to help Faith wash when she woke. I averted my eyes each time I was in Tomomi’s presence and felt her piercing gaze. My brother said nothing to me, so I assumed Tomomi hadn’t told him. She had warned me to protect me from others knowing, so perhaps she had no intention of telling anyone.
It was curiosity that made me volunteer to go hunting with Tomomi so that I might ask her. I followed her out into the chilly air. Clumps of snow dotted the landscape of twigs and burned trees. The new growth of green and purple plants sprouted up from muddy patches.
I followed her out to the fields. “How did you know?”
Tomomi shrugged. “I smelled it from her tent.”
“Iya!” Who else had smelled it? “And you will not tell anyone? Shiromainu Nipa said it is taboo, no?”
“Taboo or not, it’s the only logical solution, ne? The gaijin fear their bodies and it causes them mental pain to see the opposite sex naked. Memory exchange must be done so Shiromainu Nipa can tell the
tribe that her heart is pure. Therefore, memory exchange must be done by someone of the same sex. If not by you, it would have to be me.” She checked a snare, which was empty. “And she will not allow me to befriend her. Therefore, you are the best choice.”
Yes, Faith distanced herself from everyone, even me at times. The only time she would even speak to Tomomi was when the fighting teacher asked her to decorate a wooden stick or complimented her on her weavings. I now wondered if this was truly why Tomomi had volunteered to stay amongst the tribe. Not as a spy, but to grow close to Faith, perhaps close enough to convince Faith to give her a memory.
Tomomi said, “I’m only surprised it took you this long to figure out what had to be done.” She checked another snare.
“I didn’t want to get in trouble.” I swallowed, thinking of the last time I’d made a bad choice. Had I been more patient and thought things through with Petennouk, I might not have broken Shiromainu’s heart. “I don’t want my brother to find out. It would shame him.”
“Someone will dishonor herself in this endeavor. And you have a better chance at succeeding that I, ne? I will help you as best I can.”
“How can you help? I must convince her to give me memories and I don’t know how. I don’t even know what Shiromainu Nipa wants to know.”
“I can help with the latter. Whether you can convince such a stubborn-headed woman, I don’t know. You may need to steal memories.”
“Steal? But that … ano … that’s forbidden,” I stammered. There were many things I was ignorant of, not being old enough to receive the grandmothers’ wisdom, but I did know this much.