‘Let’s pretend that didn’t happen, shall we?’ she said. ‘Don’t want to spoil a beautiful friendship.’
Quickly she opened the door and left.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
ELLIE
Ellie had no idea where she was going when she fled the house in Swannaton. All she knew was she had to get away. Find some space to think.
The lights, the sound of disco music from a boat out on the river, the lower ferry ramp clanking onto the slipway, people sitting on the quay eating fish and chips out of polystyrene boxes. All this was lost on Ellie as she pounded along the pavement, determinedly brushing past people enjoying a leisurely stroll in the calm of the evening.
Why the hell had Mum and Da … Frank, kept everything a secret for so long? They should have told her years ago. Slipped it into the conversation when she was, what? Six? Ten? Or even younger. Isn’t that what adoptive parents were advised to do these days? Tell the child at a young age? Talk about being the ‘chosen’ one. Let her grow up with the knowledge. Make it easier to accept. Hell, would they even have told her if this Amy person hadn’t pulled the lid off the whole sordid mess with this legacy?
Of course only one half of her had been adopted. Mum was already her mum. Had Frank adopted her because Mum had insisted? Or did he adopt her because he genuinely wanted her as his daughter?
Ellie slowed as she approached the kiosk, remembering how Sabine had chatted to her without the merest hint of having known her as a small child. Had she known that Harriet was about to destroy Ellie’s world on this family holiday? So many questions buzzing around in her head.
She sighed. A mere seven hours in this town and again her life had been turned upside down – just when she’d thought she’d got both her personal and working life under control.
Why was she so upset over the news that she was Frank’s adopted daughter? She wasn’t a child any more. Or even a teenager with out-of-control hormones reacting to unwelcome news. She was a grown woman who, like Harriet, had been hurt by the actions of a lover in her own life – although, thank god, she hadn’t been married to Rod.
Would she have fought for him if she had been or would she still have run and hidden to lick her wounds? Where had she run anyway? Back to Mum and Frank. People whom she knew loved her. People she knew would always take her in. Be there for her, no questions asked. It must have been hard for Mum, leaving Dartmouth all those years ago, with no family of her own to turn to for help.
Ellie stopped in front of the shuttered kiosk, taking some deep breaths and trying to analyse things in a rational way. Was she over-reacting? Thinking about it logically, the news was more upsetting than life threatening. Standing there looking at, but not truly seeing the river scene, the truth struck her. It wasn’t the fact that she’d been denied the chance to meet and know her biological father that really hurt.
It was the knowledge Frank wasn’t her real dad that hurt so much. She’d always thought she was more like him than Mum in so many ways. More of his genes had created a special bond between them. Now, the truth was, she didn’t share the same genes. The belief had been shattered.
‘Are you all right?’ A quiet voice broke into her thoughts. ‘You’re not about to jump into the river, are you?’
Ellie shook her head but didn’t turn to look at the woman who’d spoken. If she didn’t make eye contact, hopefully the woman would walk on by.
‘No is the answer to both your questions. I’m not all right, but I’m not about to drown myself. I’ve had a shock, but I’ll live.’
‘Glad to hear it,’ the woman said, not moving.
Ellie took a deep breath. She could almost feel the intense gaze of the woman checking her out. Please go away, she willed. If she didn’t say anything else, hopefully the woman would get the hint and walk on by. The silence between them lengthened. Finally Ellie sighed and turned to face the woman.
‘Honestly, I’m fine. Except … except I’m having a hard time coming to terms with finding out that I’m not who I thought I was.’
‘Yes you are. Nobody else can be you. Whatever people say, whatever life throws at you, the only person you can truly be is you.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘You have no idea how unhelpful that remark is right now. Thanks for your concern.’ She turned away from the woman and began to walk in the direction of Swannaton. She needed to get back to Harriet and Frank. It was time for a no-holds-barred talk. No way was she was going to be fobbed off with less than the whole truth from either of them.
Dutifully, Ellie tried to eat some of the dinner Harriet had kept for her before pushing it away. ‘Sorry, Mum, nice as it is, I’m not really hungry.’ She picked up her glass of red wine and said, ‘Shall we do this in Amy’s study?’ Without a word, both Harriet and Frank followed her.
Ellie stopped as she saw all the photos on the shelves. ‘These weren’t here before,’ she said, walking across to pick one up before turning to look at Harriet.
‘I’d hidden them. I wanted to talk to you before you saw them. You finding one I missed, rather pre-empted things,’ Harriet shrugged. ‘Anyway, I put them back.’
‘Is this me being a bridesmaid?’ Ellie asked, looking at the photo she was holding.
‘Yes. At Sabine’s wedding.’
‘I’ve always dreamed of being a bridesmaid – now I find I was one years ago. In another life.’
Carefully, Ellie replaced the photograph on the shelf, glancing at another one of herself in the garden before saying, ‘Oh!’ and picking up another one before looking at Harriet.
‘Is this me and my father?’
Harriet nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘He was quite handsome, wasn’t he?’ Ellie said. ‘How old am I here?’
‘The photo was taken on your first birthday,’ Harriet said. ‘We’d spent most of the day at Paignton Zoo and came to Amy’s for your birthday tea. That photo was taken in the garden here.’
‘Did I have friends to tea?’
‘No. Not that year. It was just the family.’
Ellie sighed as she replaced the photo. ‘It’s strange, isn’t it? You tell me I spent a lot of time in this house as a small child, these pictures show the truth of that, so you’d think I’d have at least some memories of that time. A sense of déjà vu even, now I’m back. But I don’t. Nothing.’
‘You were very young when we left,’ Harriet said.
Ellie nodded. ‘True and I now know why we’ve never come here as a family before. What I don’t understand is, rather than tell me the truth, you consigned your past to the bottom of an abyss and left it to moulder. Why? Did you ever plan on telling me the truth? Were you going to let me find out the truth when you both died? A sentence in the will? Oh, by the way, Frank adopted you and as a family we lived a lie for years.’
‘We did what we thought was best,’ Harriet said quietly. ‘Telling you the truth has always been our intention but, as the years went by, it became more and more difficult. We wanted to give you a secure and loving childhood. Which I think we did.’
‘You’ve deprived me of so much.’
‘That’s not true,’ Harriet protested. ‘We were protecting you.’
‘I need you to tell me about the kind of life you led here with my father. The things you did together. The places you both took me.’
‘Oh, Ellie. Why? That’s more my past than yours. You were still a baby. Barely twenty months old when we left. You don’t remember any of it. I don’t want to go down memory lane in that way. In fact, I won’t.’ Harriet said. ‘It’s not fair to me or Dad.’
‘Mum’s right,’ Frank said quietly. ‘It’s not just you – you’re hurting Mum by demanding all this – this superfluous information. We promise we’ll tell you everything we can about Oscar and his family. If Mum doesn’t want to discuss the life she lived with him, you must respect her wishes. You know the truth now about your birth. Let the rest lie for Mum’s sake.’
Ellie was silent before sighing and acknowledg
ing the truth of Frank’s words. ‘Okay. But I do need to talk about my father. To learn about him. Do I take after him in any way? Do I look like him? What did he do?’
So many questions to ask about the man who, apart from creating her, had had no influence on her life. Would she have been a different person if he’d stayed in her life? She’d never know. If only she could meet him face to face.
‘I’m going to try to track down this Vanessa person,’ she said decisively. ‘If, as you say, she was pregnant when you left, I must have a sibling somewhere in the world. Maybe more than one. They’ll be able to tell me what he was like.’
‘It’s not always a good idea to stir things up by bringing the past into the present,’ Frank said. ‘You can never tell what the effect will be.’ He looked at Ellie. ‘Maybe accepting the status quo would be better. You know how much we both love you.’
Ellie moved across to hug him. ‘I know you’ve been a true dad to me and I love you – both of you – to bits which isn’t going to change, but I’m afraid I do have this compelling urge to learn about my biological father even if he was a bastard to Mum all those years ago.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
HARRIET
Half an hour before Sabine arrived, Harriet pulled the quiche out of the Aga. A simple green salad was in the olive bowl and a bottle of prosecco was chilling in the fridge. The sun had disappeared over the hills but the evening air was still warm enough to eat supper outside on the small terrace with its view up river.
Frank was away overnight on business so when Sabine had rung and asked could she come out after the evening boat trip had left, Harriet had said, ‘Of course. Come for supper.’ A girly chat with Sabine was just what she needed to lift her spirits. Since talking to Ellie about the past, all she could think of was how badly she’d handled things. How differently she should have done things. Both now and in the past when all she’d wanted to do was to shield and protect Ellie.
She’d hoped Ellie would join them for supper but that had proved to be a forlorn hope.
‘I’ll just have a sandwich. I’ve printed out a copy of Amy’s unfinished manuscript and I was hoping to read through it this evening. Then I need to start to do some more research into Vanessa Harford. See if I can find where she is these days. Wouldn’t say no to a glass of prosecco though.’
Harriet flinched inwardly at the mention of Vanessa Harford, but said nothing. In one way it was a relief that Ellie was being so open about her need to find the woman, in another way she so wished this search wasn’t happening.
She was out on the terrace, placing a couple of late flowering roses in the centre of the table, when Sabine arrived.
‘Lemon cheesecake for dessert,’ Sabine said, handing her a cake box.
‘Thanks. Sit down and I’ll fetch the rest of the food and bubbles.’
‘We celebrating something?’ Sabine asked as Harriet poured them each a glass.
Harriet shook her head. ‘No. I just like it as a summer drink. Santé.’
‘Somebody’s been busy in the garden,’ Sabine said, looking around. ‘It’s almost back to Amy’s standard.’
‘Thanks to Frank, really. He’s done the heavy stuff and I’ve done the weeding and replanting.’
‘We had some good parties here, didn’t we?’ Sabine said. ‘Nice to think we will again.’ She glanced at Harriet. ‘You are staying, aren’t you? It hasn’t been difficult returning, has it?’
‘Much easier than I expected,’ Harriet said.
‘Told you. Most locals have short memories. Besides, these days, people aren’t easily scandalised. They accept things with a shrug and move on to their own concerns. Nobody’s batted an eyelid at Johnnie suddenly acquiring a daughter.’
‘How do you feel about that?’
‘I’m an auntie which I adore. I love Carla as much as Johnnie does. Of course there are bound to be problems, especially when Johnnie has to work but we’ll manage.’
‘He’s lucky to have you. It’s not easy being a single parent,’ Harriet said. ‘As both of us know.’
‘You talked to Ellie yet?’
‘Yes.’ Harriet shrugged as Sabine waited for her to say more.
‘She’s now hell-bent on finding Vanessa and any siblings the woman and Oscar may have provided her with.’
‘Only natural she’d be curious.’
‘Doesn’t stop it hurting though. I admit I was wrong not telling her the truth years ago and I truly regret denying Amy a place in our lives. But what if Ellie discovers another family out there somewhere? One she prefers. Wants to get close to? I don’t think I could bear that.’
Sabine reached out and held Harriet’s hand. ‘I’m sure that isn’t going to happen. Ellie knows how much you and Frank love her – she won’t dismiss thirty years of happy family life in favour of … in favour of embracing a wicked stepmother.’
‘Here’s hoping you’re right.’ Harriet pushed the quiche towards Sabine. ‘Help yourself to a slice.’
‘I had dinner with Owen the other evening,’ Sabine said. ‘He asked me to marry him again.’
‘This time you said yes?’
Sabine shook her head. ‘No. Actually, that’s not true. I didn’t give him an answer at all. I was too stunned when he told me he’s always known about Reid. That I was wasting my life waiting for him to come back.’
‘Did you tell him about the phone call?’
‘Yes.’
Both women were quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. It was Harriet who broke the silence.
‘You should marry him, you know. He’s always loved you. He’d never let you down.’
‘I know, I know,’ Sabine said. ‘He’s been in my life forever as a friend and I can’t imagine a life without him in it. But if I married him and it didn’t work, I’d be responsible for hurting one of the best people in my life. I’ve never wanted to take that risk.’ She drained her glass.
‘I suppose we’re too old to go the “friends with benefits” route?’
Harriet choked on a lettuce leaf. ‘Too old? Never. You could always suggest it, but my money is on Owen turning you down. It’ll be marriage or nothing with him.’
Sabine sighed. ‘Think you’re right. He’s old fashioned like that.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
ELLIE
Ellie sat back in the office chair, then pushed herself away from the desk and stared out of the window. Eight hundred words written and edited for a feature Estelle had commissioned. A final proofread this afternoon and then she’d press the Send button.
She swivelled the chair so she was facing into the room. At Harriet’s suggestion, the study was now regarded as officially hers. Somewhere she could write undisturbed whenever she wanted. She glanced at the three shelves full of Amy’s books. So many Cassandra James novels. English, French, Italian, Spanish, Russian editions, along with other languages Ellie didn’t recognise, all jostled for space. All written in this room sitting at this desk.
Would she, Ellie Lewis, ever see a collection of her own books alongside them? Would she be inspired by the simple act of sitting at Amy’s desk, using her computer, her chair? Would Amy’s spirit linger and offer encouragement? She was probably imagining it, but she did feel different writing in this room.
Since the appointment with the solicitor and the confirmation that Amy had indeed left her a substantial sum of money, Ellie had been struggling to accept how much her life had irrevocably changed and that there was nothing she could do but learn to live with the changes. Whilst part of her fantasised over the freedom the money would give her, a large part of her struggled with the knowledge it came by way of a fragmented family – a family she’d never know.
Harriet tapped on the door before entering carrying two mugs. ‘Do you have time for coffee? Or shall I leave you to it?’
‘I’ve got time. I’ve finished the piece for Estelle and I was sitting here thinking about things – mainly my writing and Amy’s books,’ Ellie said,
taking a coffee. ‘Thanks.’
‘I wanted to talk about your birthday,’ Harriet said. ‘How you want to celebrate it. Here? Back home where your friends live?’
‘It’s weeks away,’ Ellie said.
‘I know, but depending on what you want and where you want it, I need to at least start thinking about organising it.’
Ellie was silent for a moment. ‘How about a small party here? We should still be able to get out into the garden in the evening. If anyone wants to come from Cirencester, we can put them up or they can go to one of the hotels in town.’
‘I was hoping you would choose here,’ Harriet said. ‘It’s feeling so much like home to me.’
Ellie picked up Nick Walter’s business card, which Harriet had placed on the desk days ago.
‘I’m going to ring this agent and see if they’ll agree to me finishing Amy’s last book.’ Thoughtfully she fingered the card before saying, ‘It would be a way of me saying thank you to Amy for,’ she waved her hand around, ‘for all this.’ She glanced anxiously at Harriet. ‘Do you think that’s a good idea?’
‘I’m sure Amy would approve,’ Harriet said. ‘How’s the research going for Vanessa? Found where she’s hiding herself these days?’
Ellie shook her head. She sensed the unspoken wariness implicit in Harriet’s voice. ‘No, not yet.’ She glanced at Harriet. ‘I’ve found someone who may or may not be connected to her, but I haven’t had time to follow it up yet. It’s near the top of my to-do list,’ she added in case Harriet thought she was cooling off on the idea of finding her father’s widow. She wasn’t. There were other things she needed to do first.
‘Okay. I’ll leave you to it. The garden calls,’ Harriet said.
Ellie found her mobile and punched in the number from Nick Walters’ card. Expecting a receptionist, she was surprised when he answered.
‘Nick Walters here. How can I help?’
‘Hi, my name is Ellie Lewis and I’d like to talk to you about the unfinished manuscript of my aunt, Cassandra James.’
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