by Raathi Chota
A tear rolled down my face as I silently cried. My throat ached, my head throbbed, and I wanted to drop. I cupped a hand over my mouth to prevent any sound.
“I’m so sorry, Lana. Please, I jus—I just don’t want you to stress so much. Please open the door, and we can talk…” He trailed off as I sniffled. It seemed like everything that happened came out. All the anger, fear, sadness, depression, and shame that I’d felt the past few months flooded through my mind. The only words that echoed in my head were that it was all my fault. I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I cried with my eyes shut. “Fucking hell, don’t cry, please. I promised myself I wouldn’t make you cry ever again. Please, Lana, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I just want to hold you.”
“No.” I finally wiped the tears with my sleeves. Even though I needed that right now, I didn’t want to face him. “Just go, please,” I added, then pushed myself up.
“Lana, we can wor—”
“Just fucking go!” I screamed as tears streamed down my face. I didn’t care if I sounded like a psycho as I cried so loud. It was hard to swallow since the lump in my throat grew bigger. While I sobbed, everything went mute. My mouth was open, but no sound came out, yet the tears flowed. I pushed myself off the door and slowly walked upstairs. I got to my room, then shut the door and made sure to lock it. Then I collapsed onto my bed and cried into my pillow. Even though I had amazing friends and family, I felt alone. I felt like no one would understand what I went through and thought I was a depressed freak who looked for attention. I squeezed my pillow and thought over the past few years and how everything that had happened was my fault. I was done; I was tired of it all. It was the kind of tired that sleep would never fix.
***
Sophomore year was the most sensational year of my high school experience. I sat on a bench behind the school and watched everyone outside since the weather was beautiful. It was a few days before spring break, and I met a girl, Miranda. I supposed we’re friends since I met her in the restrooms when I hid from him.
Him. Benny Nielson. All he ever did was tease, humiliate, and bring me down. I never did anything to him. I pushed my glasses up and looked around to see him march toward me. My eyes widened as I took in his appearance. He was angry. Except this time, he seemed so full of rage that he’d do it again. It was freshman year when he slapped me after school. That’s the first and what I’d hope the last time he’d done that to me.
“Do you know what I just found out, nerd?” Benny hissed as he towered over me.
“Wha-what?” I asked as he put an arm on either side of me.
“Ethan fucking Baxter became captain. It’s your fucking fault! I deserve to be captain! You just had to be there yesterday and cheer him on! You just had to motivate him back in elementary school!” he exclaimed, then pushed me off the bench. I landed on the ground with a thud, then shut my eyes and groaned. I heard movements. I opened my eyes to see Benny. He crouched down and slowly stroked my hair. “Why haven’t you ever noticed me? Why weren’t we friends back then?”
“Wh-Why do you do this to me?” I croaked out as my bottom lip trembled.
“I hate myself for doing it. I’m so fucked up and alone. I hate myself so much that I tried to commit suicide! How fucking crazy is that?” He laughed yet I noticed a tear roll down his cheek. “Where is he?” he demanded, then placed a hand on either side of me.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I cried out as his face neared.
“Radcliff! Levi fucking Radcliff! Where is he?” he yelled in my face. “Where is he so he can give me what I deserve?” he demanded, and I thought back to when Levi and Keene beat up Benny. “Where is he so he can finish the job once and for all? We’re all so fucking happy, right? Where is he?” he demanded and banged his fists against the ground.
“I don’t know,” I cried.
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know!”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know!” I exclaimed, then shot up in my bed.
I glanced around the room and noticed it was dark. I touched my face and felt dried-up tears. I laid back on my pillow and thought of the dream I had. It felt like a nightmare because it wasn’t a dream; it happened. Only one thing entered my mind when Benny gave me all the letters he wrote over the years. The one from sophomore year that he wrote days after Levi and Keene beat him up and days after he cut.
I slowly got up and turned on my desk lamp. I stretched my arms and walked to my closet. I took a pair of sweatpants and searched for a comfy sweater. I opened the bottom drawer and stared at the clothing Levi left. He didn’t even wear half of the stuff, only rocked in white tees and black jeans. I took out his black crewneck sweater and put it on. I got back into bed and raised it to my nose. I closed my eyes and took in the smell. It still had his strong masculine aroma mixed with aftershave. I frowned because I missed him.
I went to my contact list, and my thumb hovered over his name. I quickly dialed his number but realized how late it was. On the second ring, he answered, and I gripped his sweater. I heard him clear his throat, and suddenly I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know why I called him.
“Princess?” His voice sounded sincere and groggy, which meant that I woke him. I didn’t know what to say, so I ended the call and put my phone on the table. I facepalmed at what I was about to do. I didn’t even know what to say. I was snapped out of my thoughts when my phone turned on, and the light shone. I turned my head and picked up the phone to see a message from Benny. He sent two messages, and I decided to check the first.
Benny: Even though we’re not on best terms right now, I just wanna say goodnight. I just wanna say I’m sorry and that it’s all my fault. I’m just really sorry, and I hope I didn’t wake you.
Benny: I can’t sleep, all I’m thinking about is you. I need you so bad, and I’m so sorry I just didn’t want you to get so hooked on the books that you’ll look at pills or cigarettes again. I know you’ll get into Yale, they’ll be stupid not to accept you. I’m with you all the way, and I let you be the first few days because Miranda told me not to worry, but now I am.
I let out a groan as I put my phone back and pulled the blanket over me. I saw Benny every day, yet he missed me. I guess I missed him too in a way. Although with everything that we went through, at least I saw him. He didn’t even know the real value of missing someone.
***
I sat in the passenger’s seat of Carter’s truck and stared at my phone. Since Carter lived five minutes away from me, I asked him for a ride. I continued to read the messages Benny sent me. I haven’t replied to them naturally because I didn’t know what to say. It’d be funny if I responded with “’K” since he took the time to think up those words. I sighed to myself and turned my phone off. The silence stretched between us, and I didn’t like it. I turned on the radio, and a love song played. I groaned and threw my head back as Carter laughed.
“So I guess you two haven’t made up?”
“Yeah.”
“It looked like a big fight considering you flipped each other off,” he said as I rolled my eyes. “Since it’s Friday, you wanna ditch?”
“As much as I want to, I don’t want to get into trouble.” I sighed. We arrived at school five minutes later, and the bell hadn’t rung yet. Carter opened the back of his truck, and we sat down. Tiffany and Ethan approached us while Carter took out a cigarette. He offered one to me, but I declined.
“BOO!” someone yelled behind me, and I jumped. I spun around to see Aidan on the back of the truck. Ethan and Tiffany hugged me, then Aidan jumped down to hug me. I sat down with Tiffany on my right and Carter on my left. When I glanced up, I searched for Benny. I spotted him across the parking lot by the sidewalk. He leaned against a tree with Nick, Melissa, and Marcus. I sheepishly looked away when we made eye contact. Tiffany leaned her head on my shoulder, then let out a sigh. “Now that all your Yale stuff is in…will you finally sit with us at lunch?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled because Benny would be there. “What are your plans?”
“Well, there’s this college I applied for in Canada. My aunt lives there, so if I get accepted, I’ll probably stay with her.”
“What did Aidan say?”
“He’s okay with it, but what’s worrying me more is him. When I ask him about the subject, he dodges it all the time,” she said as we looked at Aidan. He waved at someone, and I followed his gaze to Liam on his skateboard as he returned the gesture.
“Well, he has to tell you something sooner or later.” I shrugged as the bell rang.
“Yeah,” she said as we walked to the front doors. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Benny’s frown. I bit the inside of my cheek and turned away as Carter put his arm around my shoulder.
***
The whole day we looked at each other. We did Phys Ed, and I told Miranda what happened. Not the part where he called me that word. Heck, I wouldn’t tell anyone. She was stunned and glared at Benny the whole period. Then our last period was Biology, and we did an experiment in pairs. I obviously paired up with Carter and looked to see that Britney chose Benny. I watched them the whole period, and I thought she noticed halfway when she placed her hand on his arm and batted her lashes.
Since it was Friday the day flew by. I took out books from my locker for the weekend, trying my best to hurry up. Carter waited for me by his truck since we’d go to Ethan’s place and hang out. I shut my locker and came face to face with Benny.
“Hey,” he mumbled, then stared at the ground. I ignored him, then spun around to walk out of the school building. I heard Benny sigh behind me, followed by his footsteps. I stuffed my hands in my jeans pockets and resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “You can’t ignore me forever, Lana. Please, I told you I’m sorry.” He apologized for what seemed to be the millionth time.
“I know, but how do I know that you won’t say something or do something like that again?” I demanded.
“Please, I was stressed out. You’re not the only one who’s working hard for their future. I just really wanted you to be there because Coach was evaluating me for this one college. I needed your support.”
“You could have just said that instead of going all out on me!”
“I’m sorry. I just missed you. We can talk this out. Come with us to the diner.”
“Who? Your new friend?” I scrunched up my nose.
“Britney? She was just nice.”
“Oh, come on, Benny, it’s crystal clear she has a thing for you.”
“No, she doesn’t. She was just nice because I didn’t have a partner in Bio because you were off with Carter.”
“Carter’s my friend, Benny. He’s also yours.”
“Yeah, but he’s also the biggest player in school.”
“He’s only a player if you let him play you,” I stated, then pushed the doors open.
“Lana, how long are you gonna keep doing this?” he asked.
“As long as my mood lasts.” I threw my arms up in exasperation. “For now, I’m done.”
I walked down the stairs and saw Carter in his truck smoking a cigarette. Ethan leaned against the truck with a cigarette between his lips.
“So, what? We’re done?” Benny asked as I froze. Carter and Ethan heard, and they turned to me. I slowly spun around to see Benny sulk.
“I’m giving you space,” I stated. “So you’ll know how it really feels to miss someone that you care about.”
With that, I turned around and walked toward the truck. Ethan opened the door for me, and I got in without hesitation. He got in as Carter threw out his cigarette and started the truck. We drove, and I glanced at the side view mirror to see Benny in the same position.
***
I thought we’d go to Ethan’s house, but instead, we arrived at his cottage. I got out of the truck still confused as to why we were here. Naturally, we parked on the side of the cottage, but I looked opposite at the sign.
“Why are we here?” I asked. Nobody answered me as I spun around to face the cottage. My shoulders dropped as I saw Blake get off his motorcycle.
“What are you doing here?” we asked in unison.
“We can’t hang out if you two don’t sort out your problems,” Ethan stated as he folded his arms.
“Where’s Aid—”
“BOO!” the familiar voice of Aidan Rowley exclaimed beside me as he jumped up from the back of the truck. I let out a high-pitched scream because I thought someone would attack me.
“Dude, you were in the back of my truck?” Carter asked as Aidan jumped out of the truck.
“Well, duh. I wouldn’t miss the chance of seeing this place again,” Aidan stated as he pointed at the cottage.
“Come on. My dad wants me to check this place agai—wait! What happened to the lock?” Ethan demanded as he saw the chains on the ground. “Shit, he’s gonna be pissed. Come on.” He gestured to Carter and Aidan. They walked into the cottage, and I bit the inside of my cheek in the hope that they wouldn’t find the utility hole.
“You’re doing it again,” Blake pointed out as I turned. “Biting the inside of your cheek.”
I stared at him with a questioning look on my face, to which he sighed and stepped forward. He looked up at me and bit his bottom lip.
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. I was drunk, and I didn’t mean what I said to you. Also, I’m sorry for acting like a jerk and for Kelly even being at my house,” he said. “I’m also sorry for coming to your house and yelling at you like that. I shouldn’t have done that right after you’ve experienced something so upsetting.”
“When will it be the last time you say sorry?” I whispered.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” I bit the inside of my cheek.
“I-I can’t explain, but I’m saying sorry in advance,” he mumbled as I frowned.
“You’re gonna hurt me again, and you’re doing nothing to prevent it from happening? What is it?” I swallowed the lump in my throat because I didn’t want to cry.
“I can’t tell you, baby girl. But just know that I’m really sorry, and I really care about you,” he whispered as a tear rolled down my cheek.
“Blake, plea—” He cut me off as he pulled me in for a hug. A hug or being comforted by someone sort of triggered the feelings to come out. I fought back the tears because I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want to cry again. The front door of the cottage creaked open, and Carter, Ethan, and Aidan awkwardly walked out. Ethan and Carter looked at us, but Aidan was oblivious to what had happened. I sniffled, then slowly pulled away. I quickly wiped my tears as they stood in front of Carter’s truck.
“These cookies that I found in one of the drawers of the kitchen are so good,” Aidan said as he held up the bag.
“Dude, what if it’s expired?” Carter asked, and I noticed that he had a box of condoms.
“What if the condoms that you left here expired?” Aidan spat out crumbs.
“Condoms don’t expire,” Ethan said as he squinted his eyes at the two. He turned to Blake and me with a panicked look. “Right?”
“Just go, you three! We’ll meet you at the house,” Blake said as I lowered my head. Two minutes later, they drove down the road toward Ethan’s house while Blake and I were alone. Great. If we got into another fight, he’d leave me. “What’s wrong?” he asked after a while.
“Nothing,” I mumbled. I didn’t know how or why, but my arms wrapped around him again, and I leaned my head on his chest.
“Don’t lie. The whole day you never smile or laugh, and that’s saying something because both of those things look beautiful on you.” He placed his palms on my cheeks. “Who do I need to hurt?”
“No one. It’s fine, but thanks.”
“You know, I built you up well in these six months.”
“What?”
“Before the bet, you were a nobody. You let people walk over you. Remember our conversation in
there? And then we fell asleep?” He tilted his head toward the cottage.
“Y-yeah, how could I forget?” I chuckled.
“In these six months, we’ve done stupid, ridiculous things. I might’ve not done the whole bucket list with you, but we took chances. We took risks, and I managed to bring out the side of Lana Willson that nobody had ever seen,” Blake said as he stroked my cheek. “Now you’re standing up for yourself, not letting anyone walk over you or stop you from doing what you want.”
“Levi might’ve shown me everything, but you, Blake Gunner, you taught me how to feel, how to control it, but you brought out the bad side of me, which I hated,” I admitted, which was true, because even though Levi taught me how to smoke, Blake made me crave it. He made me addicted to things and brought out a complete opposite to the Lana Willson that everyone knew.
“Well, you try to see the good in people. I look for the bad to see if they’re strong enough to defeat it,” he said, then let go of me. Blake held my hand as we walked to his motorcycle. We got on, and he started the engine. As we drove to Ethan’s house, I thought about what he apologized for in advance.
We arrived at Ethan’s house and found the rest of them in the cinema room. Aidan demanded that we have a movie night, so we each decided on our favorite movie. I wanted Tiffany to come so that there’d be another girl, but Aidan said she had a family function. I sensed Carter told the guys about Benny and me because they tried to cheer me up. It made me think of the bet when everything didn’t go to hell.
***
When I fluttered my eyes, I saw the screen in front of me. I placed my hand in front of my face and rubbed my eyes. Then I put my hand down, but the surface was smooth and warm. I raised my head to see that I was on Carter and his arm was wrapped around me while the other hung loosely. He was asleep, and I looked around to see Ethan curled into a ball on the sofa. I slowly got up, and Carter moved under me. I towered over him as he opened his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.