by S. Moose
I’m alone in my room and I like it that way, just not right now. I want to pick up the phone and call Bayleigh. I want to listen to her talk about her day or listen to the music she’s listening to. But I’m giving her space. I don’t want to smother her and make her feel like I’m hovering.
It’s only been a few hours since I got here and already I’m raging with anger and feeling broken. After leaving her in the driveway and looking at her while I drove away, I had to stop myself from pulling over. This is the time she needs and I need to give it to her.
There’s a knock on my door. I finish my drink and walk back inside. Opening the door, I see Chad holding a bottle of whiskey.
“Welcome back man,” he says coming inside.
Chad’s a good friend and he took care of me when shit went down with Bayleigh and me. He’s had his heart broken too many times and doesn’t care about love or finding the one. All he needs is someone who understands the words one night stand and friends with benefits and if they don’t, then he walks away.
He clears his throat while pouring us a shot. “So, do I want to know how you’re feeling?” He hands me a shot and we both take it.
“I’m good. I’m doing what she wants. We had a little something go down before I left. I don’t know,” I sigh and sit down, “I mean, she seemed like she was loving it and didn’t say no. I asked her if this was okay and she said it was. Then out of nowhere, she freaked out and told me to leave.” Chad pours me another shot and I take it. “I don’t know if it brought back the rape or anything.”
He listens intently and nods his head. “I think so. I don’t know the girl, but something you did most likely brought back the rape. Don’t beat yourself up over it, man. You’re here and we got a lot of shit to do in three weeks. Have you given any more thought to Brian’s proposal?”
I lean back and wince, thinking about that conversation. I’m not sure if I can pick up and leave it all behind. Moving to California will be the biggest step I’ve ever taken. It means moving away from my mom and Bayleigh.
But if I do move, should I ask her? Do I have the right?
Chad nods, then gets up to open the door. “Come on, let’s grab dinner and drink.”
It’s been four days since he left. Not that I’m keeping track or anything. We talk every day and say good night every night. I’m not sure it’s healthy or giving me the space I need. Frankly, I really don’t care. Hearing his voice and seeing his name pop up on my cell phone is keeping me calm. I spent all Saturday and Sunday crying and I’m so sick of crying. I don’t want to spend another heartbreaking, soul crushing, hyperventilating day in my room away from people.
My mom and I spend time together and she’s taken me to the spa and out to eat. Bless her heart for keeping me busy. When I’m not with her, I’m in my room drawing in my sketch pad and I’m still thinking about him. My heart misses him and I wonder how he’s doing. I look outside and see his bedroom window. We used to wave to each other in the morning and write messages to each other on a white board. Almost every memory I have is of him. His smile, his laugh and the way his eyes make me feel safe.
But then I remember the pained look in his eyes. The look of regret and sadness. I hate to be the reason his heart is breaking. It’ll be easier if we can move on and start something new. If only, right?
Deciding being inside isn’t a good idea, I grab my car keys and head out the door. Once I’m outside, I look at Tyler’s house and smile. He’s doing what he loves and I’m happy for him. Getting in my car, I drive to the beach. This is the one and only place I can relax and let my mind go free. There’s something about the calmness of the water, and the softness of the sand, that brings me to peace and a clear mind. If I could live on the water, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Life comes to mind and I want to think it can’t get worse than this. I mean, life cannot be this cruel. Then again, I watch the news and things can get really bad before they get better. There’s this hole that some people fall into and sometimes it’s nearly impossible to get out of it. That hole is the emptiness in my heart. My mind is getting there and my emotions seem to be in order. I wish the hole could be gone and it should be. At some point, I have to think about the future and building it. Resting my forehead on my forearms, which are on my knees, I think about getting through day by day, and figure out how to keep busy. Just thinking about waking up, getting dressed and doing something during the day so I’m not locking myself inside my room would be great. I don’t like the heaviness on my chest or the constant dread on my mind. Hopefully when I talk to Mandy, she can help me get a job at the firm.
I can’t allow myself to dwell on Tyler’s absence. I need to be normal and act normal. No more being sad and moping around the house. Since that night, I’ve been miserable and I’m slowly coming together. With Tyler, things were steady and okay. Now that he’s gone, I have to find that balance again. Only Tyler’s been the exception to everything. I let him touch me, sleep in the same bed as me, see me in a bikini, and we hold hands and laugh. I won’t let anyone else come that close to me, yet it’s okay for Tyler.
I’m lost and I’m not sure what else to do.
Some days I think I’ll wake up in the middle of the day, with a smile on my face, looking over and seeing a sleeping Tyler next to me, and this will have been a bad nightmare. Then reality sinks in. Tyler’s not with me. He’s not sleeping next to me or telling me about forever. Because I’m a fool. A love sick fool who can’t bring herself to understand that someone loves her enough to do anything and everything. Tears are pooling in my eyes and I can’t get a grip. I know our love won’t go away. Regardless of distance and decisions made, forever love stays and fights when the people involved can’t fight anymore.
I take a few deep breaths and struggle to think about the possibility of making a difference in my life. Sometimes slowly breathing helps or counting to ten. Right now, all that’s helping me is picturing Tyler and his beautiful smile. The love and strength he exudes are incredible. He’s every reason to smile and every dream come true. Most importantly, he’s hope. I get lost in him and he brought me back to life. Even though there are days his chains around my wrist are tight, he still is one of the reasons I’m here.
We’ve been through so much shit. I can’t help but wonder if all the bad we’ve been through will help us in the future. Lifting my head, I stare out to the water and love the colors. It’s something I can’t describe. I have no idea why the calm of the water helps me.
Looking at the anchor, I smile and think about Tyler. I should text him and let him know I’m thinking about him.
Me: Hi . . . Just sitting at the beach . . . Thinking about you. Hope you’re okay
Ty: I’m good. I’m glad you’re out of your room haha . . . Can we talk tonight?
Me: I was hoping you’d ask me =)
Ty: Call you later
Me: K
I think about going to California while he’s there. It’s a place I’ve never been to and I think it might be good for me. What’s drawing me to California is Tyler and what we can do. Shaking my head, I laugh and tell myself to stop the torture. It’s only a few weeks and when he comes back, things will be okay again. When I head back home, my dad is in the kitchen making lunch. I sit at the island and take his sandwich.
“So good, thanks Daddy,” I smile and bite into the chicken salad. “Ugh, you used Miracle Whip?”
“It’s a salad. No one uses Hellman’s in salads.”
I point at myself, “I do. It adds more flavor.”
“Well, if you don’t like it, then give it back.”
“No thank you. I’ll finish it,” I smile again and watch him make another sandwich. It’s nice being home with my dad. He works from home and goes into the office once in a while. He and my mom love to travel and they take frequent trips. My dad is successful and takes care of most of the things around the house and my mom works part time at the library. She says it gets her out of the house and involved in th
e community.
“So, what’s the plan for today?” he asks, looking at me with a soft smile.
“Really nothing to be honest. I’m thinking about talking to Mandy about working at her firm. Have to start somewhere, right?”
“I’m proud of you, Bayleigh.”
“For?”
“Becoming stronger. You know, we were scared nothing was going to get you to smile, and look at you now. “
I let his words sink in. His compliments make me smile. I know I’m doing better and I still have a lot to get through. “Well, if only I could open myself fully to Tyler,” I laugh uncomfortably. My parents love Tyler and they’re trying to understand why I can’t be with him.
“In time you will.” He nudges my shoulder with his, “don’t force it.”
“I think I’m going to head to the gym. Thanks for lunch, Daddy.” I kiss his cheek and run upstairs to get my gym bag. Maybe a workout is needed.
Pulling up to the private gym my parents and I belong to, I show my card to the front desk and walk inside towards the locker room. Sometimes I wonder if this gym should be called a Club Med or private resort. It has everything from weight machines, a physical therapist, a massage therapist, juice bar, Olympic size pool, saunas and a few cabanas.
“Good afternoon,” a guy with workout pants and an employee shirt says as he walks by.
“Hi,” I respond with a friendly smile. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Things seem the same, with a few exceptions and certain areas being redesigned.
“Gorgeous!” I turn around and see Mandy running toward me. I didn’t think she’d be back today.
“Hi!” I smile and give her a hug. “You look amazing. How was it?”
“Amazing as usual.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were home?”
“I wanted to surprise you. Your dad said you’d be here, so I came right over. Swimming?” I nod and we head inside the locker rooms to change and get ready. Mandy tells me all about her trip and the guys she met. “You should have come!”
“Next time.” I love Mandy and listening to her stories. Partying with her is fun, but dangerous. She lives life on the edge and has no regrets.
Mandy studies me for a moment, trying to find a hint of me lying, which I am. I don’t think a vacation to Cabo is something I can do now. With her back and things starting to be better, I’m sure she’ll encourage me to go. And I’ll let her, because what Mandy wants, Mandy gets.
“Well, next time is better than no,” she says, looking at my two piece with a smirk. “Looks like someone’s been working out and tanning. You look incredible, Bay.”
“Thanks.” With so much time on my hands, I’ve been looking up workout routines, kickboxing and running more.
We head out the door and Mandy waves at everyone we pass. Most of them smile and some give her a hug. The members here are nice and it feels like a small little community. For the most part we all know each other either from high school or parents of our friends. There are some new faces and everyone seems nice.
Getting outside and putting down our things, we stretch in the corner and jump in the water to swim a few laps. It feels amazing being in the water. I love the feel of the sun on my skin and the water gliding over my body. When I’m swimming, I shut out the world and focus on the tranquility surrounding me.
After swimming for a while, Mandy and I order smoothies and relax in one of the cabanas. I think about asking her about the job and hold back. She just got back from vacation and we’re relaxing. I don’t want her to think anything.
“You’re thinking too much,” she says, looking at me through her sunglasses. “Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me about it.”
“Do you think,” I pause and sigh, “you can get me a job at your firm?”
She smiles a big smile, “Already done. You start on Monday.”
“What? How?”
“Please. Damon loves me and does anything I want. It’s a good starting point. You’ll be his personal assistant. It’s very easy and you’ll get it like that,” she snaps her fingers. “Plus, your office-”
“My office?”
Mandy nods, “Yep, you have an office with a fab view I might add. Well, you’ll be next to me and things will be great.”
“Damon?” I think, “Isn’t he like the VP?”
“Kind of. He’s pretty important at the firm and he needs help. You’re organized and smart. You two will get along.”
I sit back and smile. This is what I need. I need to get out there, meet people and do everything I can to not have a panic attack in a new place. I can do this.
Later on, when I get home and eat dinner, I rest in my room, lying on my bed and looking at my phone.
Being at the gym today is what I needed to clear my head and relax. I was there for almost three hours. After swimming and relaxing outside, we worked on our legs and did a few workouts.
Stretching out on my bed, I get comfortable and pull up the current book I’m reading on my Kindle. Getting lost in the words, I don’t realize my phone’s ringing.
Looking at who’s calling me, I smile and quickly answer. “Why, hello.”
“Hey, you sound happy,” he says and I can hear paper rustling in the background.
“Had a good workout today and Mandy got me a job at the firm. I’ll be Damon Ridge’s PA. Sounds easy, right?”
“I think so. You’re smart, Bay, you’ll figure it out quickly. How’s everything going?”
“Pretty well. Keeping busy.” I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want him to know I’m missing him like crazy.
“Glad you are,” he teases me, “I hope this project doesn’t last longer than three weeks. I want to come home and be with you.”
“I want that too,” I whisper.
I listen to him talk about California and the places he wants to take me to. His hotel is right on the beach and I’m so jealous. His voice sounds so happy and I love him for being calm and lighthearted. I can’t handle a heavy conversation. Sometimes I think Tyler knows me better than I know myself. He knows what to say and what to do to make me forget.
“I wish I could be in Cali with you. Maybe if I wasn’t starting this job, it could happen.” His breathing is loud and I can hear it through the phone. “I’m going to see if it’ll be possible to visit you for a weekend?” I have to form this as a question. The back and forth isn’t healthy for either of us. I don’t want to confuse him or confuse myself.
“Only if that’s what you want. Don’t think about what I want or what anyone else wants. Remember that what you want is what matters.”
“I know.” I pause letting it all sink in. “I should get going and head to bed. Remember, you’re three hours ahead of me,” he laughs and I hear the smile on his face.
“Sweet dreams, Bay.”
I let out a breath, “Sweet dreams, Ty.”
Setting my phone down, I walk to my bathroom and brush my teeth. I think about the visit and maybe it’s something I can do.
Finishing my nightly routine, I climb back into bed and see another message from Tyler. This time it’s a video. I smile and open it. How Did I Fall In Love With You by Backstreet Boys is playing in the background. He’s singing softly to me. Touching his face on my screen, I kiss him and hope he feels the kiss.
Me: Thank you for my song
Ty: Forever
The next morning, I grab my bag and climb out of my car to go to the gym. The air is humid and the sun’s out. With fall around the corner, I’m pretty excited. As much as I love summer, I love fall just a little more. I love seeing the leaves change and breathing in the crisp air. Fall also means the return of my beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Pulling my hair up in a ponytail, I walk in and hand the receptionist my card. Heading to the locker room, I look down to get out my lock when a wall collides into me, causing me to fall on my ass.
“Ow,” I yelp, “seriously, can you watch where you’re going?” I get up and see a very t
all and handsome man with deep brown eyes looking at me.
“Sorry. I didn’t see you,” he states, holding out his hand to help me up.
“I got it,” I sneer, “thanks.” I know I put my head down and all, but it’s not like you can miss me. I’m wearing bright pink shorts and a white top.
“Sorry again. Have a great day.” He smiles and walks away, leaving me feeling like a total jerk. I turn around to apologize but he’s long gone.
I put my things in a locker and head out to the treadmill to run a few miles before hitting the weights. Music thumps in my ears, pushing me to run, keeping my breathing leveled and my focus on point. When I run, nothing gets in my way. It’s the best stress release and what I’ve been doing for almost two years. Back in high school, I was a cheerleader and played lacrosse, so I’ve always been healthy and fit. Now I’m taking that fitness to a new level. Honestly, I need to protect myself and get away fast if I’m ever in that situation again.
“Thanks for doing this for me, Mandy. I appreciate it. She needs to stay busy and get out there more. I owe you.”
“No big deal. I agree she needs to be out there. Plus, it’s not like it took a lot. The firm loves her and she should be working. We swam the other day and hung out. She looks good.”
I close my eyes and think about her happy and smiling. I want her to do things when I’m not there. I know it’s hard for her, and shit will hit the fan if she ever finds out my plans to get her to do things. I always will protect her and make sure she’s okay.
“I’m glad. I think things will be good. Call me if there’s anything.”
“Tyler?”
“Yeah?”
I hear Mandy sighing and taking a breath, “You know she won’t forgive us if she finds out, right?”