by S. Moose
“You read my private journal? Are you serious Ryan?” I push him, using all my strength to cause some kind of pain, but he doesn’t move. “You can’t come here and think you can waltz back into my life and start your bullshit about that night. There’s nothing to talk about,” I scream, “I’m dealing with it. How dare you invade my privacy?”
“You left it out in the open.” I roll my eyes and snatch the journal away from him. I’m so angry he’s here and reading my words. “Why don’t you see your therapist anymore?”
“Because I don’t want to. I don’t need to. Why are you even here? Get out of my room and don’t come back!”
“Not until you talk to me, sweetheart.” I glare at him, ready to slap the smug look on his face. “Talk. Now.”
“No. N-O,” I spell out for him. “Understand that, asshole.”
“When did you get sassy?” He smirks.
“It’s not sassy. It’s being annoyed, upset, and angry. Go, now. Thanks.”
“Not leaving until you talk, sweetheart.”
Being the stubborn person I am, I cross my arms and walk to my bed. I’m not playing these games with him. If he can’t answer my questions, then why should I answer his? An internal battle is raging inside me.
Why’s he back?
What does he want?
Should I trust him?
“I can stay here if you won’t talk.” He sits on my bed and keeps his stare on me.
“Tell me why you’re back.”
“No thank you,” he reaches out for my hand and I pull away. “I want to know how you’re doing because I care about you and want to know you’re okay. I’ll tell you my reasons for being back, but not tonight. That’s saved for a different time. When I can talk to you and Tyler at the same time. It’s something the both of you should know.”
“Okay,” I respond, “I can handle that. He should be back in a few weeks.”
“Good.”
“Good,” I repeat.
“So talk. I promise you I’ll tell you my reasons for being back if you tell me what’s going on.”
Rolling my eyes, I grab a pillow and hug it tightly against my chest. My body trembles with fear knowing we are going to be talking about that night. Sometimes it’s easier to try and forget. Only with his piercing eyes on me, that won’t happen.
“I think about it a lot. I dream about it and all I want is to know why he picked me that night. Why did he have to do that to me? I want to see him and look him in the eyes. I want to see if he’s even sorry,” I explain, almost screaming when I tell him how I feel, “I want closure.”
“Sweetheart, you won’t get it. You heard him on the stand, he doesn’t know why he picked you and he apologized. Yeah, that was bullshit and nothing he can say or do will help, but at least you know it’s not your fault.”
“What do you mean? You weren’t there. You left already.”
He nods his head, “I was there. I was there when you took the stand and I saw you breaking down. I wanted to come see you, but Tyler was there and I knew you were okay.”
“I wasn’t, though.”
“But you will be. Baby steps.” Suddenly he’s standing before me with his hands on my face. “I’m sorry. And I need you to forgive me.”
“What?” I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s going on or what to say. I try to pull back and get space. I don’t want to be this close to him. He pulls me closer and his eyes are trained on mine.
“Tell me you forgive me. That we can be the way we used to be. I messed up so bad and I don’t’ want to do that again. I know you should hate me. You have every right to hate me. But please don’t. I can’t handle it.” I’m not sure why his words are cutting me deep. I’m sobbing in his arms and all I can hear him say is everything’s going to be alright.
“You shouldn’t have left. I needed you. We needed you.” I sob harder, gripping his tee shirt in my hands.
Pulling me back to look at him, he caresses my face and kisses my forehead, “I know. I needed you too. But I’m back and things are going to be better. Okay?” I nod, hoping he means what he says.
In the morning, I get ready and figure I have no idea what to wear on this thing with Ryan. Sending him a text, he responds with a message that included an eye roll.
Ryan: Bikini =p
Me: You’re ridiculous. Seriously please.
Ryan: Fine. You’re no fun this morning. Shorts and a shirt is fine. I’ll be there soon =)
The smile emoticon scares me. I finish getting ready and head downstairs to wait for him. Part of me still wonders about Ryan and why he’s here. Taking out my phone, I send a message to Mandy to tell her about Ryan’s unexpected homecoming.
Mandy: Ryan Scott . . . Is back . . . In NY?
Me: Yep and he’s on the way over. Care to bet why he’s back?
Mandy: Honestly, I have no idea . . . Haven’t talked to the guy for a few years . . . Could be anything. Be careful tho
Me: I know . . . I’ll be fine
Mandy: PS we need to have dinner soon
Me: I agree. I need to know more about Mystery Man AKA my BOSS!
Mandy: Shut up lol
There’s a knock on the door. I get up from the bar stool and open the door to find Ryan holding a hula hoop in his hand.
“Are you serious?”
“I sure am. I don’t joke around with bucket lists.”
He pulls me outside and we walk to my backyard. Once he’s given me my hoop and walks to the opposite side, he turns around and faces me.
“So, you know the position. Go ahead.”
“Fine,” I seethe. Putting the hula hoop around my waist, I watch Ryan skillfully move his hips and the hoop swinging. “Not fair,” I tell him.
After too many failed attempts, I throw the damn thing across the yard and pout like a child. I can do almost anything, yet moving my hips so that thing can swing is next to impossible.
“Get up, Bayleigh.” I shake my head. “Fine, sit there and pout.” He disappears and I let out a breath. I guess I’m being too ridiculous and he had enough. Suddenly, ice cold water is sprayed on me. I scream loudly and jump up. Turning around, I see Ryan holding a hose with a big grin on his face.
“Let’s go, princess. We don’t have all day.”
Cursing under my breath, I get up and shiver. I cannot believe he sprayed me with cold water. “Fine. Whatever.” I grab the hoop and try again.
Ryan stands in front of me and places his hands on my hips. “Like this,” he instructs and moves with me. Okay, this isn’t so bad, I tell myself. Ryan lets go and the hula hoop finally swings around my waist.
“Oh my gosh! I’m doing it!” I laugh and continue hula hooping. I know it’s not a big deal, but to me, it is.
“See, practice makes perfect and you have the hottest teacher,” he says, bowing in front of me. “Alright, next one is whistling. So come on, show me what you have.” I do and spit goes everywhere. Not a classy move. “Wow, okay. That’s bad. So, I want you to lick your lips and form them into the shape of a duck face.” I do as he says and feel his hands on my cheeks. “Now gently blow,” he whispers. There are lots of things going on with my body and I can’t shake them off. “Keep going.” His voice is smooth and intense. Does he have to sound this sexy? Wait. Sexy. Ryan? No. I curse myself and push the sight of him out of my head.
A few attempts and I have it. With both of us smiling, we head inside and I run upstairs to change out of my wet clothes. When I come down and head to the living room, I see him sitting down with his head in his hands.
“You okay?” I ask, touching his shoulder and sitting down next to him.
“Yeah, just tired. You mind if we cut today short?”
“No, that’s fine. Want me to come over and hang with you?” He shakes his head and gets up to walk towards the door. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Don’t worry about me, hula girl. I promise, I’m okay. I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?”
“No problem. Feel b
etter.” I watch him leave and get into his car. Moving back inside, I lean against the door. I can’t believe he made me do those things and didn’t give up until I did them.
Sending Tyler a good night text, I climb into bed and fall asleep. There’s still so much on my mind and I have to force myself to stop thinking.
I cry and feel his hands on my ass. “Damn girl, your ass is fucking delicious.”
“Please stop,” I beg and keep looking for anything to grab. I need to get away from him.
“You know,” he says, “the more you beg, the more I want it. So keep going.” He licks my ass cheeks and all I can do is cry, whimpering, knowing what’s going to happen.
He’s taking his time with me. I want to yell hurry up and leave, so I can be alone. I hate knowing what he’s going to do and there’s nothing I can do to stop him.
“I promise I’ll make this good for you.” I cry harder. He’s gripping my hips and holding me tight. “Tell me you’ve been a bad girl.”
“No.”
He tugs my hair, jerking my head back. His lips are near my ears, “Say it.”
“Please, I won’t tell anyone about this. Let me go. I’m begging you.”
“Say. It.”
“I’ve been a bad girl,” I whimper and feel a slap across my ass. “Stop!” I scream and feel the sharp pain of him inside me. “God, please stop!”
I sit up straight on my bed and gasp for air. The scream rips through me and it takes me a moment to remember where I am. “You’re home,” I tell myself, “you’re home and you’re safe.”
My parents burst through my door and my mom runs to me, holding me in her arms. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she frantically asks, rocking me back and forth. I hold onto her and try to steady my breathing.
“Bad dream,” I sniff and let her go, “I’m okay.”
My dad pats my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m okay. Promise.”
Both of my parents kiss me goodnight and leave my room. The door is partially open and I see the lights turn off. I lie back down on my side and look out the window towards Tyler’s house. The moonlight shines down and tears flow from my eyes. I miss him so much and need him here.
My body trembles through the night and I have to keep telling myself I’m okay. The nightmares are getting harsher. Usually, I see his face and hear him call me pretty girl. I want that night to be out of my memory. It’s consuming me when there’s no one around and I have to fight to come back. I grip the sheets and count to ten. I’m going to be okay.
The sound of my phone startles me. I pick it up, seeing a text message from Ryan.
Ryan: Still up?
Me: Trying to sleep
Ryan: Bullshit . . . I’m climbing through your window now so unlock it
Me: Why
Ryan: Just do it
Getting up, I unlock my window and throw on a light, zip up hoodie. Sitting back down on my bed, I wait for Ryan to come in. Feeling a little weird with him wanting to come in so late, I wonder what his deal is and why he wants to see me.
After a few minutes, I hear the window open and see him popping in.
“Hi?” I say, with uncertainty and doubt.
“Don’t be like that. I’m only here because your mom told my mom you’re having bad nightmares again, so I’m offering my cuddling services.”
“You’re what?”
“You heard me.” He walks over to the other side of the bed. Tyler’s side. And gets under the covers. “Can you turn off the light, please? I’m exhausted.”
“You are not staying overnight. Are you serious right now?”
“Stop fighting it, Bayleigh Renee. Turn off the lights. I need to sleep.”
Fuming, I look at the time and it’s already pretty late. I don’t want to make a scene and wake up my parents. Getting under the covers as well, I turn and look at him. “If you touch me, I’ll chop off your precious cock.” He smirks and places both hands behind his head.
“Night, sweetheart.”
“Night,” I mutter, reaching over and shutting off the lights. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out.
Waking up the next morning, with strong arms around me, and legs tangled with other legs, I jolt open my eyes and see Ryan’s sleeping face. I didn’t have a nightmare last night and I slept very well. I can’t believe having Ryan here is helping me and I can’t believe I’m feeling okay with him here. There’s an anxious feeling brewing inside me. I don’t know why he’s here and what his plans are. I’m nervous to find out.
I can forgive him for leaving and for that night. I don’t blame him, nor have I ever. The secrets he’s hiding won’t make me hate him either. I want to be there for him the way he is for me. Ryan is a cocky asshole, with a big heart and he means well. A lot of people misunderstand him and judge him before getting to know him. On so many levels, I feel connected to him and the anger I have towards him slowly goes away.
Then I think about Tyler. If he saw this, right now, he’d flip. Tyler’s never liked my friendship with Ryan. I never understood why, nor did I ask. I figured it was Tyler being overprotective and guarded because it’s me.
Maybe once he comes back, I can explain to him having Ryan in my life isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes strong friendships help pave the path to becoming a stronger person. When you have someone who is strong and willing to push you and keep pushing you, there’s a drive that builds inside. We both push each other and I want that again.
“God, stop thinking,” he moans and pulls me in closer.
“Let go,” I laugh and nudge myself away from him. “I have to get ready for work.”
“You can be late,” he tells me and it takes all my strength to get out of his death grip. “You know,” he opens his eyes, “I can get used to this whole waking up next to my best friend.”
I roll my eyes and grab my clothes for today, “I’m sure you can. Okay, now go bye bye.”
He blows me a kiss and winks at me before leaving my room.
I look at my phone. It’s been a week since Ryan’s convenient return and we haven’t talked. Taking the glass of whiskey, I down it and look at the message again before pressing send.
Me: We need to talk
Ryan: I guess we do
Me: Why are you back?
Ryan: Done traveling . . . Need to make things right with you and Bayleigh. Lots of shit happened to me when I was gone. Don’t want any regrets
I roll my eyes. My brother has always been the reckless and irresponsible one. He has a wild side and with me not there, I don’t know what he has planned for Bayleigh.
Me: I get it. Don’t involve Bay in your crazy shit
Ryan: Or maybe that’s what she needs
Me: WTF are you talking about
Ryan: She’s been protected and pampered her whole damn life. Can’t always save her
Me: When it comes to Bayleigh, I will always protect her. Don’t fuck up anything
Ryan: Wouldn’t dream of it, brother
Only ten more days here and then I’m back home. Nothing will happen. The lurking fear takes over. I’ve never trusted my brother and now here I am, thousands of miles away, and there’s nothing I can do.
I let out a frustrated sigh and reread the reports again. My eyes are blurry and I need to head home to sleep off this stress.
“Hey,” I look up and see Serena walking into my office with take out in her hands. “Thought you’d like this.”
“Thanks,” I mutter and go back to work. “Sorry, I need to get these done.”
“I know,” she says, handing me food and water. I look at her with a smile and dig in. “You’ve been moody. Everything okay?”
“My twin brother’s back in town,” I reply, and take a few bites of the rice and chicken. “And Brian’s working me pretty hard.”
“Why are you stressed out about your brother?”
“Because he’s never up to anything good. Bayleigh always sees
the good in him and never listens when I tell her to be careful.” I stand up and look out my office window. I know Ryan and I know his feelings for her. “He loves her too,” I quietly tell her.
“But she picked you.”
“I know.”
I can lie to myself and say Bayleigh doesn’t have feelings for Ryan. The problem with that is, I know she does. She’s always loved me and put me above everyone else. I know we’ll be together again. She and Ryan have a special connection I’ve never understood. She gets him and he lets her in. When they’re together there are no games or manipulation like he’s used to doing. When he left town, I was relieved. As much as I hate him, he’s still my brother and that’ll never change.
I’m not stupid enough to think he’s a better person. Having Ryan back is an eye opener. When it comes to Bayleigh, I’m not tough or smart. I do dumb shit and push her. This time I have to rethink what I do and say to her.
I can’t lose her.
We finish work a little later than usual. Heading to my hotel room I do my best to get rest. Changing out of my suit and into sweat pants I slide under the covers, feeling the cool sheets against my skin, grabbing a pillow and hugging it against my bare chest. I look at the clock staring at back at me. The red numbers don’t move. I stare until the minute changes. After five minutes my eyes get heavy. When I close my eyes I see her and feel her hands on my face. I feel the weight of her body against mine. My heart slows and every muscle in my body relaxes. Missing her as much as I do scares me.
Fighting the thoughts in my head I roll over on my side and wake up. A few hours pass and I know I won’t be getting any more sleep right now. Throwing on shorts and a shirt I put on my sneakers and make my way to the gym in the hotel and get on the treadmill. Putting in my earbuds and setting the speed to seven, I flush out the outside noise, focus on myself and my music. My feet beat against the treadmill in a constant rhythm. It’s only me in the gym, just the way I want it to be.