by S. Moose
“NO. N. O.”
He scoffs, “No wonder you’re so scared of your own shadow. You give up so easily. I don’t know why I thought you could do this.”
Red. I see red. “Who the hell do you think you are? Coming back from the dead and trying to squeeze yourself back into my life.”
“From where I was standing, it looked like you needed it, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Why not sweetheart? I mean, you’re acting like a brat, so why not give you a pet name. Sweetheart.”
I want to punch him in the face. I want to do something to prove him wrong. “Fine,” I throw up my arms, “I’ll do it.”
Getting back in the batting cages, I get in the standing position and focus. It’s only a ball. I can do this.
The ball comes flying out and I keep my eyes open and swing. The ball goes flying and internally I’m cheering. I can’t lose focus. That might have been a beginner’s luck hit.
“Ready for the next ball? It’ll come faster. Be ready or else it could be messy. Or you can give up and we can go home.”
“I’ll hit it.” I watch the ball coming, swing, hit and boom. “Two out of three balls,” I tell him. “I’m going to win.”
“Focus, Bayleigh.” I watch the ball come again, swing and miss. “Go again or are you quitting?”
“Again.”
I hit the next ten balls and put down the bat, walking out with a smug look on my face. Looking at Ryan, I give him my helmet with a wink, “Admit I did well.”
“You did pretty well,” he laughs and puts his arm around my shoulders, sending chills down my body.
“Then are you going to tell me?”
“Can we drop it please?” The serious expression on his face is making me feel small. I can’t shake off this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Something terrible is wrong with him and he can’t tell me. Usually it’s not this hard. I mean, I know we’ve been apart for two years, but we’re best friends. If he can push me to complete my bucket list and tell me how he feels, then he needs to tell me what’s going on. I don’t know why he’s holding it in.
When we walk back to the car, it gives me a chance to think about how I was after the rape. I pushed everyone out of my life. The only people who fought to stay in were Mandy and Tyler. Mandy never let me forget how strong I was and that I was going to get through it as long as I didn’t push people away. Everyone else lived their lives and some would message me on Facebook or post on my wall. It wasn’t anything personal so I ignored all the messages. It wasn’t to be a bitch or anything, I just didn’t want to deal with the Q and A session online.
There are still lingering questions about Ryan and why he’s here and pushing himself back into my life. I know I’m feeling better and I’m happier, so that’s something to think about.
Leaning back in the passenger seat, I rest my head against the window and suddenly feel sad. I feel the tears building up.
“Bayleigh?” I don’t respond. He drives faster and for some reason this makes me cry. Pulling into the parking lot of the lake house, he parks the car and unbuckles his seatbelt. Turning to face me, he makes me look at him and says my name again. “Talk to me.”
“No, because you can’t talk to me. I want to know what’s going on with you. I mean, you’re back now and I feel like there’s this hole between us that can’t be filled. I lost my best friend, Ry, and I don’t like that feeling.”
“You never lost me, Bayleigh. Even though I was gone, I thought about you all the time and made sure you were okay.”
“But I wasn’t okay!” I yell, “No one was okay. You left and never even came to see me.”
He hangs his head and I see his chest rising up and falling back down. “I went to see you. Tyler ran home to shower and get more things and your parents were getting dinner. You were lying there and had machines beeping all around you. The bruises on your face and neck fucking killed me.” His eyes shoot up to me and he flinches when he sees the shocked look on my face. “I sat on the bed and took your hand. I begged and cried for you to open your eyes and wake up. I told you how sorry I was and how I hated myself. Every time I’m around, something bad happens, so I had to leave. I had to leave you and everyone behind so I didn’t hurt anyone anymore. I told you one day I’d be back and hoped you would forgive me. And you do forgive me. It’s not sitting well with me though. I need you to fucking yell at me. Make me feel like shit.”
“I can’t. That’s not how I feel. Yes, I’m still upset you left and never tried to contact me. But you’re here now and that’s what matters.” I grab his shoulders and give him a squeeze. “You’ll always be my best friend. That’ll never change.”
“I want to be more. I want to create more memories with you and make sure you are living. You deserve this life and all the good things that will come your way. You deserve the world, the moon, the sun, the galaxy,” he pauses, breathing in and out, “you deserve it all.”
It’s hard for me to say anything. I get what he’s telling me and part of me agrees. I do deserve to be happy and he’s helping me get there. Only, it’s not just Ryan who is helping me. I have Mandy, Damon, my parents and myself. This is the turning point I needed to see and understand. My list was the start and now I’m letting people back into my life and I’m doing things more, especially things on my own, and I’m taking care of myself. It’s all because people believe in me and I believe in myself. I believe that I can get through this and I can overcome all the obstacles that come my way.
I can do this.
“I need you to do something for me.”
“What?” I look up and feel Ryan’s hand in mine.
“Step away from your life for a moment.”
I cock my brow and am confused. “Why?”
“Because I can promise you, your problems will be there when you come back. Leave it all behind.” I smile and nod my head.
“Can I trust you?”
“Always,” he smirks and kisses my forehead.
We relax on the boat as it bobs in the water. The day is turning into night and it’s almost time to head back to the dock. We’ve been out here for a few hours and there’s been no heavy discussion about anything .We’ve listened to music, went swimming in the lake and tanned on the boat. He’s telling me about his travels and I fill him in about my job.
I feel like for the first time I’m in control and Ryan’s letting me handle things at my own pace. I left my issues at the dock and I’m trusting him. It’s my turn to figure out how to get him to talk. If I can tell him how I feel and about the missing two years, then he can fill me in too.
After helping Ryan with the boat and cleaning up the lake house, we head to his car and drive home.
“Thank you for today,” I smile and tell him. “It felt really good to be out and leave my problems at the door.”
“You need to learn how to deal with your issues head on.” His hand is resting on my thigh, causing warm sensation running down my body. It’s a simple touch, yet it feels like so much more. When I open my eyes and look at him, I see something different. I can’t explain it. The look in his eye is more and it’s the same way Tyler looks at me.
“Can we talk more about your feelings for me?”
He shakes his head, “Not tonight. I don’t want to have this day tainted with arguing or anger. Today was a good day for both of us and I know we’ll have more. We’ll talk soon. I promise.”
I hold out my hand and link my pinky with his. “Now you can’t break your promise to me.”
“I would never.”
Ryan drops me off at my house and tells me he has something to do and he’ll text me later. I walk in and see a note from my parents telling me they’re grabbing dinner and a movie. I’m glad to have the house to myself. Going upstairs, I jump in the shower and stand under the water, letting it cascade down my body, washing away the day and the layer I don’t want anymore.
Wrapping a towel around my body, I brush my teeth a
nd finish getting ready for bed. Grabbing my journal, I get comfortable on the ledge by my window and write about my day. When I write about Ryan, a smile comes on my face.
I can’t get over what he said about loving me and always choosing me. Does he mean that as a best friend or lovers? I think I know the answer and it’s hard for me to accept. He knows Tyler and I have history so I’m not sure if registering my feelings for Ryan is right. It feels like nothing I do is right when it involves my heart.
I haven’t talked to Tyler today. I miss him, but I had a lot of fun with Ryan. I checked my phone a lot today and there hasn’t been a message or phone call. I’m not sure what’s going on with him and I don’t know what to think.
I stop writing and look up to the Scott’s house when the light in Ryan’s room turns out. I see his shadow and am about to text him when I see some blonde bimbo in his arms.
“Are you serious?” I mutter and watch the soft porno in front of my eyes. He’s taking her in his arms and it looks pretty rough. I watch him pick her up and he slams her body to the window. Her long legs wrap around his back and they’re kissing as if they’ve never kissed before. His hands are gripping her tight and it’s really pissing me off.
It hits me. I care that Ryan is hooking up with some random chick and the reason has my heart ready to explode. I’m about to go over there and punch her face is because I’m jealous. I want that. I want what he’s giving her.
I step away from the window and crawl into bed. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m falling for my best friend while the man I love is thousands of miles away.
The next morning after finally deciding to get out of bed, I get ready for work and head out with my coffee in one hand and my keys in the other. Putting on my sunglasses, I look up and see Ryan’s bedroom curtains closed. Rolling my eyes, I ignore what I saw and head to work. Getting Damon’s meeting ready, flashes of Ryan run through my mind. His smile. His eyes. The way he looks at me when we’re standing before one another. Then the image of him and blonde bitchbimbo comes to mind. I can’t believe he had a random hookup after the day we had. Sure, I don’t have a reason to be mad, but I am.
Reaching for my phone, I text Tyler.
Me: Good morning. I hope you had a good weekend. I hung out with Ryan and we hung out at the batting cages and the lake . . . Can’t wait until you’re back . . . I hope you have a good day. XO Bay
Looking at the message, guilt sinks in. I’m allowing these feelings to consume me and I’m not allowing myself to piece together the puzzle because that’s what life’s about. You know as children we can’t wait to grow up and be adults so we can drive, drink, stay up past our bedtime and fall in love. We play dress up with our friends and pretend we’re married to the cute boy with a crooked smile. Then we grow up and are faced with decisions that will affect more than one life. We’re so close to the edge and need someone to pull us back. But do we really need someone to do that or do we need to find the strength to do it on our own?
Resting my head against my desk, I pull out my phone again and hop onto Instagram. I look at the pictures posted and come across Tyler’s post. There’s a picture with him and Serena. Jealous rage sinks in and I let out a groan. I stare at her pretty little face. She’s smiling and holding my Tyler. What the fuck? I know they’re friends and they work together and everything, but does she have to be all up on him? Really?
Hanging out with this beauty tonight @SerenaA_35 #HappyHour #LovingCali
A pang in my chest grows. I look at the picture and hate how pretty she is. I wonder what he’s doing now. The picture was posted last night. When I click on his profile, I don’t see too much. There’s a picture of us when he left. I click on it and regret it immediately when I read the caption.
When you love someone and they don’t love you back.
There are a few comments under the picture. Nothing rude or mean. A lot of sad faces. I’m hurting him because I’m too selfish to let him love me. Before it was because I needed space to find myself and slowly I am. Now I need the distance to sort out my feelings. Even though we aren’t together, I feel like I’m cheating on him.
I click on her Instagram and stalk her pictures. God, I hate her. I don’t care if I don’t know her. There are more pictures of them together and she has tons of selfies about being confident about yourself and loving yourself. I roll my eyes and let out a scoff. Whatever. Like she has confidence issues.
The day goes by fast before Mandy comes strolling in my office with a smirk. “I know what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean?”
She sits down and plays with her nails, tapping her foot up and down. “I’m not dumb. You’re confused and I think . . . ,” she taps her chin, “I think it involves two brothers. The Scott brothers to be exact.”
My face grows red. I hate this. I’m looking at my best friend and I want to lie to her. I want her to not be mad at me.
“I get it, Bayleigh.”
“How did you know?”
She looks away then back at me, “Because I was with Ryan this morning. We had breakfast. He called me and wanted to meet up.” She pauses and looks away, “He said he loves you and to be honest when I saw a picture of you and him on his phone, you had this smile on your face I’ve never seen.”
I whisper, “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I mean, how did I let this happen? I’m supposed to be waiting for Tyler and I’m over here falling for his brother. I’m a whore,” I laugh, shaking my head. “When Tyler finds out, he’s going to be so heartbroken and it’ll be my fault.”
“You have no reason to be sorry.” Getting up from the chair, she comes around my desk and I get up to hug my best friend, the girl who has been there for me and never left my side. “I think you’ll make a mistake if you choose Ryan.”
I’m a little taken aback by her comment. As much as I love Mandy, there’s a manipulative side to her and I wonder if she’s using it on me.
“Tyler’s your forever love. He’s been there for you and wants the best for you. Even though he’s thousands of miles away, he’s still protecting you and checks up on you. I know it’s hard to understand, but a forever love is the kind of love you never want to lose.”
“It’s not like I love Ryan or anything.”
“But you have strong feelings?” I nod my head. “Does he know?” I shrug. “You have to make a decision or else you’ll lose them both girl.”
“I know.” I agree with her statement and in the back of my head, I know this is going to be the toughest path I’ll take. Every time I close my eyes, I see his heart, only I don’t know whose heart it belongs to. “What am I going to do?”
“That’s something you’ll have to figure out girl. Honestly I think you need to go to California and see Tyler. The both of you need to talk and figure this out. ASAP.”
Everything I thought I knew about being in love and what I want goes out the window. I don’t know anything about this. I have to learn how to listen to what my head is telling me. I can’t listen to my heart because it beats for two people. Knowing what I have to do gives me the little strength I need to stand.
“Let’s get lunch,” Mandy suggests and I agree. A little air and girl time will help.
When we get back to the office, I help Damon with his schedule and book his trip to New York City. Finalizing his itinerary and printing it out, I head to his office and place the folder on his desk. There’s a quote calendar that catches my eye on his desk.
“You can love two people, at the same time, and think about them in the same way, but you can’t ever love two people at the same degree.”
How? I don’t get it. I read the quote over and over again, memorizing it, replaying the words in my head until it’s ingrained in my memory. This trip needs to happen as soon as possible.
Heading home, there’s an envelope with my name on it lying on the counter. Picking it up, I open the envelope and take out the letter.
Bayleigh,
I need to g
et out of here for a little bit. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I think you and I need space.
I’m only a text away. Don’t hesitate to ask me anything.
Ryan
The letter falls to the kitchen floor and I stare blankly at it. He’s gone and never said goodbye. I have space from Tyler and now Ryan. This situation is reaching a level I never thought possible.
I check out some flights the next day at work. There are some I’m looking at and I’m about to purchase tickets when Damon calls.
“Hey. What’s up?”
“I’m stuck at the fucking airport,” he screams. “The damn plane has issues and I can’t get a flight. I need you to get to the airport now and come get me. I’ll have to do this damn meeting via Skype. Need you to stay late tonight and come to the meeting with me tomorrow.”
Fuck. “Okay, I’ll be there in a few.” Shutting down the computer, I grab my things and hurry to pick Damon up.
As soon as we’re back at the office, I’m moving around his schedule and calling the New York City office to let them know of his absence. It takes over four hours to figure out how he’s going to present the information via Skype and his other meetings. Some of the New York assholes are giving me grief and all I can do is apologize.
It’s well after ten in the evening when I’m packing up my things. Heading to Damon’s office, I see Mandy on the floor with him. They’re eating Chinese food and there are files all over. I smile and leave without saying goodbye.
When I get home and shower, I slide into bed and look at my phone. I haven’t heard from Ryan and I don’t try to text him or call him. He has things he needs to figure out and I’m not going to keep pushing him. Whatever is going on with him he obviously needs to figure out on his own.