by B. N. Toler
“Getting biblical on me, eh?” Axel asked.
“I spent just as many Sundays in church as you did. Some verses stayed with me.”
“Your mother the Sunday school teacher would be proud,” he jested.
I gave a weak smile, my stare still fixed on Meadow. “If you could’ve seen where she was…it was awful.”
He nodded in understanding. “I hope she doesn’t remember it. I hope all she remembers is what she has here.”
“So do I.”
“She loves to laugh. It’s like we feel the same peace, we’re all in heaven, but she gets some kind of 3-D version, where it’s all bigger and brighter.”
I smiled at the way he described it, remembering something our mother had said about children like Meadow—that they view the world in a way the average person could not. I was glad she had kept that about her. There was no doubt Meadow saw everything differently, and whatever she saw made her beyond happy.
“You did good, sis.” He nodded as we watched Meadow extend her arms out and stand completely still, allowing a herd of butterflies to perch on her. “I know there are so many layers to this whole ordeal, but what you do, Char…it’s special. Look at what you’ve given her. You. You brought her here.”
My eyes teared up. I felt ashamed in some way. There were so many times I’d resented my gift. So many times I’d questioned God and His reasoning. I wasn’t sure I deserved any notoriety or praise. Meadow swung her arms up and the mass of rainbow-colored butterflies took flight. She let out a squeal as she chased after them. Something fluttered in my stomach—pride. Despite the guilt I felt, I was proud. I’d played a role in bringing this lonely, abused and forgotten girl to her eternity. When I thought about what she’d endured; how horrific her life had ended to now see her here—I was grateful. I’d helped many souls, but I never really knew where I was sending them off to. I was thankful I got to see her journey all the way through. I knew she was okay, and that this precious girl was at peace.
Clearing my throat, I asked him, “Would you do something for me, Axel?”
He turned to me and without hesitation said, “Anything.”
My heart warmed. He was an incredible brother. It didn’t matter what I was going to ask, he would do it. “Ike and I had decided to adopt her, or rather take care of her. I’m not sure you can adopt someone here. Anyways…that was before…” my gaze fell. “Before everything that happened. Would you help Ike watch out for her? Please?” I raised my head and met his stare.
“Of course I will. Don’t worry, little sister. I’ll look out for her.”
My eyes teared up. “I’m going to miss you so much, Axel,” I whimpered as my lip trembled.
His eyes glossed over, but no tears were shed. He wouldn’t let himself cry. “Yeah, I’m going to miss you too, kid.” He was attempting to sound playful. I knew it was his way of fighting the sadness he was feeling.
“You were the best—” I stopped myself and tried again, “You are the best brother a girl could have ever hoped to have. I hope you know what it’s meant to me.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. More would only follow.
Axel pulled me in and embraced me. I clung to him and cried, digging my face in his shoulder. “You know, little sis,” he rasped, “the only thing I ever wanted for you was everything. You deserve it all, Charlotte. Promise me you’ll live every day to the fullest. Promise me you won’t wish time away.”
I wailed. “I promise.”
He squeezed me tighter until my crying calmed somewhat before he pried me from him. His eyes were puffy and red. “Go see Ike. Meadow and I will meet you back at Grams’s house.” I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to go so he could have a moment to recuperate, or if he really wanted to make sure I said goodbye to Ike. Either way, in a place where time did not exist, it was time.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” I told him, then I morphed away.
Ike
I knew at some point Charlotte would find me, so I waited in the most obvious place.
Our place.
Laying down under the shade of our tree, I closed my eyes and listened. The rapids and the wind brought me calm.
“Ike,” Charlotte’s voice called to me as I felt something softly stroking my face. I didn’t open my eyes, I didn’t know if I was dreaming or not.
“Ike,” she whispered again. Then she lifted my arm and lay beside me, resting her head on my chest. “There were so many times I’d lay beneath this tree after you left and just stare up. I always loved the way the sun peeked through the leaves in the fall.”
“You talked to me,” I said.
She stilled. “You heard me?”
“I thought I was imagining it.” Opening my eyes, I tilted my head down to look at her. “I’m sorry…about the way I was in the hospital. I’m not proud of that.”
Scooting up, she cupped my cheek with her hand and gazed into my eyes. “You never have to apologize. I’m sorry that’s how you had to find out. I know that was hard for you.”
We watched each other a moment before I asked, “So this is it, yeah? Feels like déjà vu a little.”
A sad smile captured her mouth. “Yes, it does.”
Rolling her on her back, I stared down at her. Her dark hair was fanned out over an array of colorful leaves. I ran my finger down her nose to her lower lip, then to her chest. “I know you’re worried about me…or you feel bad for me. But don’t.”
Her eyes teared up. “I feel like all I do is hurt you. Never intentionally, but just my existence is always bringing you pain.”
“You know that’s not true. You know it.” With my thumb I caught a tear skating down her face. “You know how there have been times you felt like your gift was more of a curse? Days when you wished you didn’t have it?”
She nodded.
“If you could have…would you have? Would you have wished it away so you didn’t have to feel the pain of it all?”
She let her gaze drop. “At times...before I really knew what I was doing…maybe. But no. I’ve hated it in so many ways, but I don’t think I could ever let it go.”
“And why is that?”
“Because for all the terrible parts…there’s good. I’ve helped a lot of people. Like Meadow. If I didn’t have my ability…I wouldn’t have been able to help her.”
“So you would choose to endure the hard parts, the suffering for the greater good?”
Her voice cracked when she answered, “I would.”
“And that’s how I feel about loving you. There’s no choice in it. I just do. But even if somehow I could erase you from my mind, take away the hurt and disappointment I feel having to let you go again…having to give you to my brother…again…I wouldn’t. For all the bad…there’s so much good.”
She sobbed and covered her face. “I’m so sorry, Ike. I’m so sorry. I can’t bear that I’m hurting you.”
Pulling her hands away, I sat her up. “No more crying, Charlotte. We don’t have much time.” She swallowed and wiped at her face. “I want to say the right words to you. I want to give you comfort and send you off with peace.” I drew in a long deep breath, steadying myself. “I wish I could tell you I’m at peace with it, that I’m okay. But I can’t. I’m not okay with it. I’m not okay with having to let you go again. But…I am okay with not being okay with it.” I chuckled sadly at myself. I didn’t think anything I was saying made sense. All Charlotte probably heard was gibberish. “I’ve been asking why? Why do I have to say goodbye, again? Am I being punished? But I realized that maybe there’s no happily ever after here—at least not in the way I’ve imagined it. None of this with you and me and George will ever be simple or fairytale. I’ve been expecting and wanting that kind of peace. That’s the way I thought it should be.”
“I’ve thought that, too,” she whimpered, her lip trembling.
I shook my head. “I think a part of you and me has always fought against what is because we couldn’t let go of what could b
e. Our peace is not only in each other.”
She narrowed her eyes in confusion. I wasn’t the best at explaining my feelings, and I squeezed my eyes closed and gave myself a silent pep-talk. Make her understand, Ike.
“I mean…I think we are part of something bigger. We’ve always known that you were. I mean…your gift, but where did George and I fit? What was the meaning or purpose of us falling in love with the same woman?” I snorted a laugh. “I was dead. What were the chances of that…of all of that?”
She blinked a few times. “What are you saying, Ike?”
I took her by the arms and squeezed. “I’m saying that you were meant to help souls. I prayed for something to wake George up and save him…then you showed up. I was meant to save you when you were about to kill yourself. You were meant to save George and fall in love with him and have his child. My parents lost a son, and now they’ll have a grandson. Your parents lost their only son, and now they’ll have your son. Meadow was locked in a dark room after dying a horrific death, and I was meant to be here…for her. You were meant to bring her to me. We keep looking at this three-point dynamic; the complications of you and me and George, but we are only three points on an unlimited-point plan.”
“You sound like Marlena,” she murmured.
“She’s right, though. Love is…bigger than us. We don’t get to make choices about this. The only choice we have is how we move with it. The only thing I can do is give you my blessing. Whatever happens, wherever you are, my heart is yours. Always.”
Streams of tears ran down both of her cheeks. Taking her face in my hands I locked my stare with her. “I love you, Charlotte. I’ll always love you. It’s what I was meant to do.”
She hugged me, holding me tightly. When she pulled away, her eyes met mine and she kissed me.
Then, we said goodbye without words.
Charlotte
Ike and I laid under our tree, side by side, holding hands. We’d said our farewell in our way—a soft slow goodbye. We’d made the most of our last minutes together. Now, we were quiet, letting ourselves absorb the inevitable.
“Thank you, Charlotte.”
Turning my head, I looked at him, but he had his gaze fixed on the tree branches above us. The sun leaked down between the bright leaves, traces of shadow and light dancing across his face. He was so beautiful, and I reminded my heart to never forget how he looked in this moment. “For what?”
“For my nephew. He’s going to bring so much happiness to so many people. Knowing that is probably one of the few reasons I’m okay right now. All those people I love; that we love; their hearts are going to find a lot of peace with his existence.”
His stare was still fixed on the branches above. “Do you see it, Charlotte?”
Moving my gaze up, in the light and color, I saw a sweet old man with bushy eyebrows handing a little boy an ice cream cone as he sat on a stool behind the counter at the Mercer’s gas station. In the next image, George and his father were standing on either side of that same little boy, the three of them casting lines over the water. Another with my mother-in-law Beverly rocking him to sleep even though he was just about too big to sit in her lap, but she’d hold him as long as she could. The big wide grin of Uncle Cameron as he chased a giggling chubby little toddler around, pretending he was a dinosaur about to eat him. My father and mother in a crowd at a parade, their grandson sitting on my Dad’s shoulders as he waved a tiny American flag. Lastly, there was George, asleep on the couch, his squishy-faced newborn son resting peacefully on his chest.
“So much love, Charlotte. Look at what you give.”
I didn’t want to cry. Not anymore. Not in my last moments on this side, with Ike. I didn’t respond, fearing that if I spoke, it might make me lose the fragile hold I had on controlling it.
“And for Meadow,” Ike continued when I didn’t respond. “Thank you for Meadow. I think I need her as much as she needs me.” He laughed quietly through his nose. “It’s funny how things work out.” Though his tone held a hint of humor, he sounded more humble. “I always wanted a daughter, and you gave me one.”
“She’s the luckiest girl in existence to have you be her father, Ike.” He still wasn’t looking at me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I knew I would never know someone else as good as Ike McDermott. He was the best of us. God broke the mold with this man.
In that moment, a feeling came over me, strong and pulling.
My heart squeezed understanding fully what was happening.
I was waking up.
It was time for me to go back.
We’d already agreed that I would leave Ike here, this is the last place we’d see each other until death returned me again. I’d go and hug my brother, grandmother, and Ms. Mercer. Then I’d find Meadow and tell her how special she was to me before taking my son’s hand and leaving.
“It’s time, Ike,” I managed, my throat tight as I fought like hell to hold back the sobs trying to escape me.
He bobbed his head, before turning to look at me. His eyes were dark, deepened by the feelings I knew he was trying to keep at bay. Our hands were still joined when he lifted them and kissed my knuckles. “I’ll be here, waiting for you.”
Pushing up, I rolled to my side so that my head was above his. Our stares locked. “Close your eyes, Ike.” I didn’t want him to watch me vanish.
He swallowed hard, reaching one hand up to capture a lock of my hair between his fingers. He understood what I was asking, and why I was asking it. “Go be the moon and bloom, Charlotte.”
His eyes scanned my face and he gave me one last longing look. Without another word, his lids slowly closed, and he let his hands rest on his chest.
Scooting closer, my mouth but a breath away from his, I whispered, “Here, there, forever. Always, Ike. Always.” Brushing my lips against his, I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to leave my soulmate.
George
After months of brutal therapy and rehabilitation, my wife was finally getting back to her old self. Though now, we were dealing with a different kind of discomfort.
I was already in bed when Charlotte came out of the bathroom freshly showered, her mouth twisted.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m a whale,” she sighed. “Even my maternity clothes don’t fit anymore.”
She was wearing a bra and a pair of cheeky panties, and as she sat on the bed and rubbed her swollen belly, I told her, “I’ve never seen you more beautiful, Charlotte.”
Twisting her neck, she looked back at me, her eyes soft. Reaching to the nightstand, she grabbed her bottle of cocoa butter and handed it to me before she scooted back, resting against her pillows. “Will you rub lotion on my big beautiful belly,” she smiled.
Moving to my knees, I squirted some in my hand and rubbed it in my palms to warm it up before slathering it on her belly.
“Are you happy, George?” she asked. My gaze flicked to hers, and I stopped rubbing.
“I’m grateful.” Looking down at my hands, knowing my child was growing inside of her and would be here in possibly a few weeks, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. My wife, the love of my life, not only survived a horrific accident, but she came back to me with our child. I was beyond blessed.
I resumed rubbing the lotion in as I went on, “Are you happy, Charlotte?”
Her dark eyes glossed with tears as her body shuddered with emotion.
“What?” I asked panicked, my body tensing. Was something wrong with the baby? Was she in pain?
“It’s hard to explain,” she rasped before wiping under her eyes with her fingers. When she moved her gaze back to mine she said, “I didn’t know I could feel this happy. He’s not even here yet, and I already love him so much. And I just keep picturing you with him because I know you are going to be, hands down, the most amazing father in the world.”
Relaxing, I leaned down, and kissed her belly. “It’s amazing that we made this…our love made this,” I told her.
> Reaching down, she threaded her fingers in my hair. “Are you scared?” she asked quietly.
Crawling over her, using my arms to hold my weight, I kissed her.
Peering deep in her eyes, I answered, “Not at all. We are going to have an incredible life, Charlotte. Our son is going to have the most amazing life. I promise.”
I kissed her again before I made love to her, and when she fell asleep, exhausted and satisfied, before I let myself drift off, I made sure to pray and give thanks.
I never realized how amazing a newborn baby could smell. Jennings Ike McDermott was asleep on my chest, his fuzzy little head just below my chin. George was asleep in the chair beside us.
“Your daddy is very tired,” I whispered to Jennings. “He’s barely slept the last few weeks, he’s been so excited about meeting you.” It was true. George had been, as Grams would say, fit to be tied, he was so excited. Since the day I woke up, and throughout the pregnancy, he’d been my pillar of strength.
The door to my room opened and my mother slipped in. “We’re going to leave for the hotel,” she told me quietly. My parents had been at the hospital during the delivery, not in the room, but nearby. We’d been working on repairing our relationship and they had been a huge help with my recovery. Even though I’d only been in the coma for five days, I’d had to learn to walk again, and it took a few months before my memory fully returned. I was a medical miracle.
Marlena made sure to remind me of that every time we Skyped.
“I forgot to give this to you earlier.” She pulled a small box from her purse, wrapped in Christmas paper. “Your grandfather wrapped it. Holiday wrapping paper was all he had.”
I smiled as I shifted Jennings on my chest and freed up my hands. “That was sweet of him.”
“He’s sorry he couldn’t be here to meet Jennings, but he was incredibly touched you named him after him.”
My mind flicked to Grams. “It’s as if it was already decided for me,” I mused. Unwrapping the box, I opened it, and my heart fisted in my chest. It was my grandfather’s pocket watch.” Tears bloomed in my eyes.