Half an hour later Sean awoke to Izzy’s screams.
“Izzy, baby, wake up.” She was asleep but having a nightmare. “Help, we need a doctor in here!” Sean yelled toward the door.
The doctor ran in the room with two nurses in tow. Sean was forced to release her hand as they worked on her.
“What’s wrong with her? Why won’t she wake up?”
“Please wait outside,” the doctor snapped at Sean.
He was ushered out by an orderly and forced to stand outside and watch and listen as Izzy screamed for him to stop. Reliving the rape within her nightmare. Then his name. Oh God, baby! She screamed Sean’s name. She was begging him to save her, to stop him. Izzy. Open your eyes, baby. Please, see me. I’m right here!
The turmoil of the past several hours finally won over. His stomach roiled with the hatred he felt for the man that hurt her, for the agony she was in and for the fact that he was helpless to make things better for her. He turned to a trash can that was a few feet away and threw up. As he wretched he could swear that he was vomiting his very soul. Hunched over the can, his body shook and he screamed.
Why? Why in God’s name did this have to happen to Izzy? He jumped when he felt the doctor’s hand on his shoulder. He got to his feet and wiped sweat from his brow.
“Are you all right, son?” the doctor asked with complete sincerity.
“Forget about me. What about her, is she all right?”
The doctor nodded, understanding the man’s urgency. “She is small and she was already so tired, I’m afraid we only gave her a tiny bit of her sedative earlier. It was a bad choice on my part. She hadn’t fallen completely under the influence of the drug and she had a nightmare.” The doctor held out his hand before Sean could interrupt him. “Don’t worry. I have given her a bit more. She should be able to truly rest now.”
Sean breathed a sigh of relief.
“Good. Thank you so much, doctor.”
“Of course. Listen, I normally try to separate myself from my patients. You know, what with being a cop, you can’t really get emotionally involved either.”
“Yeah, I do. Is there something you want to tell me?” He prayed she was okay. That there wasn’t more bad news.
“No, there’s something I need to tell you. Not as a doctor, but as a man. I have a wife, I know what it is to love someone more than you love yourself. I can see that in you.”
“I do love her, more than I could ever begin to describe,” Sean confirmed.
“Yes, well. I’ve seen rape victims before. But your Isabelle seems to be suffering in the worst kind of way. She said some things in there, while she was dreaming. She—she not only blames herself. But, oh, I don’t know how to tell you this.” The doctor said, obviously torn.
“Just say it please.”
“Okay. When she was screaming your name, she kept muttering over and over again that you wouldn’t love her anymore, wouldn’t want her. She said she let you down. She blames herself more than I think you may realize.” The doctor placed his hand to Sean’s shoulder and before walking away said, “I’m sorry, I just thought you should know.”
Sean stood there stunned. What could he say? How could he make her see how wrong she was? The woman whom he loves more than anything in this entire world was raped and now, not only was dealing with shame, guilt and pain, but somehow she managed to convince herself that she wasn’t worthy of his love. After the doctor left him Sean went back into her room and sat down.
He took her hand in his and pressed his lips to her knuckles.
“Izzy. I love you.” Shutting his eyes tightly to stop the rush of tears that were fighting their way to the surface again, he repeated his vow. “I love you, Izzy. I will always love you. Always. Remember that, baby. I love you so much.” Slowly Sean gave in to his fatigue and he floated off to sleep beside her, his head resting on her bed.
* * * *
“Sean.” Isabelle’s shaky voice was barely heard.
He opened his eyes and squinted at the bright sunshine coming through the window. “Izzy? Hi, baby. How are you feeling?” He got up from his chair and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead.
“Sean. I need to talk to you.” She bit her bottom lip, fighting her nerves.
“Okay, I’m listening. What is it?” Sean massaged her knuckles with his thumb, trying to soothe her.
“I love you, Sean. I want you to know that I love you so very much.”
“Baby, I know that. And I love you, too.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
“Sean. I know that we had talked about our future, and made plans. But, I—.”
“No. No, don’t even think about saying it. Nothing has changed, Izzy. We are going to have a future together, a good one. I love you, baby.” Sean got up to place a kiss to her lips and she turned away. A part of his heart broke off from her withdrawal. “Izzy. Don’t do this. I love you. I know it took me too long to figure it out, but I do. Baby, please don’t do this.”
Looking back up at him she continued, “Sean don’t you see? That’s just it. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t allow you to give your life, your future to me when I know I’ve hurt you.”
“Izzy. I want you to listen to me. And listen good. You—do you hear me—you did not hurt me. None of what happened was your fault. You are still my beautiful and sweet Izzy. Nothing and no one could ever change that. You are my whole world, baby.” Sean loomed over her, gently caressing her face with his fingers.
“Sean, don’t you understand? I let him touch me. I didn’t fight hard enough. I was yours, only yours and now—now I’m…” She shook her head, not wanting to continue saying the words that hurt so bad.
Sean slowed his speech, gritted his teeth and annunciated every word.
“You are not to blame, Izzy. You did not let him touch you. He had a knife. You have bruises. You didn’t let this happen. He took what wasn’t his. What didn’t belong to him. That is not, nor will it ever be anyone’s fault but Justin’s. Please tell me that you understand that?”
“But I belonged to you, I loved knowing that I belonged to you and no one else and now everything has changed.”
“Nothing has changed, baby. You have to believe that. Please look at me.” He waited for her to comply before continuing. “Izzy, do you love me? Do you want me to be hurt?”
She instantly shook her head. “No. Sean, I love you. I don’t ever want you to be hurt.”
“Good. Because if you try to pull away from me, I’ll die, Izzy. I need you. Just as I need food, water and air, I need you. Baby, oh baby, please. Just let me help you. Let me take care of you. Let me love you.” Not allowing her to turn away from him again, he placed her face in his hands and gave her the gentle kiss he had been dying for.
She cried as he kissed her lips so tenderly.
“Sean. Oh, Sean. I’m so glad you’re not angry with me. I need you. I need you to—Sean, will you hold me? Just hold me.”
He climbed into bed with her and waited for her to make room. When they were situated and she was tucked safely in the crook of his arm, he silently thanked God for allowing him to get through to her. For her allowing him to help her.
The door to the room opened. A nurse stood in the doorway with a chart. She took one look at the couple, saw the woman sleeping so tenderly in his arms, and nodded. Then she quietly began to leave the room. . Sean mouthed the words “thank you” before she was gone, which earned him a small smile.
* * * *
Later that night, Sean hung up the phone after talking with his chief and saw Officer Pitney standing outside of Izzy’s room. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he had been so focused on Izzy that he hadn’t even thought about whether or not they had arrested Justin.
Approaching the man, he said, “Officer Pitney, did you get him? Is he in custody?” Anxiety riddled every word he spoke.
“We ah—maybe we should go talk in the waiting room.” The man said after looking toward Isa
belle’s sleeping figure.
Hesitantly Sean followed. He had a bad feeling and he didn’t like the way the officer looked.
“All right, we’re away from her room. Now tell me what’s wrong. Did he get away, resist arrest, deny it? What?” Sean demanded.
Shaking his head the officer looked morose. “No, he didn’t deny it. We found him at his apartment. He let us in, and confessed. He made it very easy on us. It would have been an open and shut case.”
“Would have been? What, did he get off on a technicality? Did you guys freaking screw up?” Anger was rolling off of Sean in tidal waves as he bit out each and every word.
“No.” He exhaled a large breathe and then said, “He managed to fashion a makeshift noose out of his pants. He hung himself three hours ago in his cell. He left a note. A note of apology that he wanted her to have.” The officer hesitated before continuing. “I know what you’re gonna say, but his parents asked me to try. They want her to read it. They said that he really loved her.”
“Loved her? He freaking raped her!” Sean came toe to toe with the officer and screamed even louder. “He cut her, he bruised her and he hurt her, in the worst way a man could hurt a woman. You tell his parents they can take his note and shove it up their—.”
“I got it! Jesus, I was just doing what I was asked. They lost their son; I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t ask. I’m sorry. Obviously, I see your point. I will tell them that they are to leave her alone.” The officer walked away and turned back to face Sean once more. “I don’t know if you’ll care. But for whatever small consolation this may be, but I just wanted you to know that he completely cooperated from the moment we picked him up. He didn’t deny anything and he waived his right to an attorney. He just wanted to plead guilty and receive his punishment. I think he actually hated himself for what he did.”
“You’re right. I don’t care; it is hardly a consolation to hear that he was sorry. I hope he burns in hell for what he did to her.” With that, Sean stalked back to Izzy’s room. He needed to hold her. The fury inside him was tearing him up. How dare the asshole take the selfish way out? He should have had to pay for his crimes, just like everyone else. Damn him!
* * * *
The next day Sean had finished packing up Izzy’s things in her dorm and had sent them on with his father and Connie. While he had to force the issue with her, eventually Izzy gave in and allowed him to call home to tell their parents what had happened.
Now as he walked from the elevator to her hospital room, he had to take a deep breath and get his nerves under control. It had been such an emotional couple of days. And when Connie had come to see Izzy, it had only gotten worse. He understood all too well why she was so upset, but her tears and pain had only made Izzy hurt worse. He hated that he had to get stern with Connie, but as he made it abundantly clear to both his father and his stepmother, Izzy was all that mattered. Their feelings didn’t. If they were going to help her through this, they needed to be strong for her, not fall apart in front of her.
He knocked once and waited for Izzy to acknowledge that he could enter. Once she did, he came in the room and saw her staring out the window. She turned to look at him briefly and then turned away.
“I have your clothes. Are you all ready to go?” He placed the bag on the bed and after walking to her, he rubbed a hand up and down her back.
She nodded. While she was still allowing him to be there and hold her, he could feel her withdrawing from him. Pulling back. She barely spoke in the past twenty four hours. It hadn’t helped when Justin’s parents had called her room the night before begging for her to forgive Justin so he could rest in peace. He shuddered at the thought that he hadn’t been in the room when she got that call. Why had he picked that exact moment to step out and grab a cup of coffee?
He had made the mistake of not telling her what had happened. Needless to say, when she found out from his parents she was angry with Sean. He hated that she felt guilty for what had happened, to both her and Justin. It seemed like she was holding herself responsible for everything. All he wanted to do was help her, make the bad memories go away. He wanted her to be okay again.
Placing a gentle kiss to her temple. He said, “I love you, baby. Let’s get you changed so we can get out of here, okay?” Not waiting for her to respond, he began getting her things out of the small bag that he brought. He placed her clothes on the bed and stilled when he realized she was standing there staring at him.
“Izzy? What’s wrong?” He came to her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms in a soothing fashion, then asked, “Do you feel all right? Do you need to sit down?”
“No, I’m fine Sean. I just—I would like to be alone, if that’s all right.”
He watched her. She was biting on her bottom lip again. He knew she only did that when she was nervous.
“Izzy, I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, but will you tell me what’s upset you?”
She shook her head and turned away from him. Fighting the tears that had been falling for days she answered him.
“I can’t. I’m scared.”
He went to her. Wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her to lean into, his chest he whispered, “Baby, please don’t be scared. You can tell me anything.”
“No, Sean. You don’t understand. That’s not what I’m afraid of. I can’t get changed in front of you. I’m afraid for you to see me, all of me, with my clothes off.” Losing the battle she gave into the tears, feeling the entire weight of her shame.
Sean’s heart squeezed unbearably tight. The trembling of her voice, the fear that he heard, was killing him. He couldn’t push her. He knew that. But every part of him wanted to shake her and make her see that she was still Izzy. That she was beautiful and vibrant and had nothing to be afraid of. That he would never let anything hurt her ever again. But instead of doing that, he placed a kiss to the top of her head and gently pulled away from her.
“Okay, baby. Take your time. I’ll just wait outside okay?”
She turned to him, then with trembling lips she called to him before he left.
“Sean. Thank you.”
“Sure, Izzy. I love you.”
She conjured up the best smile she could and looked down to the floor.
“I love you too.”
* * * *
Four hours later, Sean tucked Izzy into bed. She had taken a sedative that the doctor had prescribed to her and it only took minutes before she started to fall under its spell.
“Do you need anything, baby?” he asked as he tenderly stroked his index finger down the side of her cheek.
“No, thank you. I just want to sleep for a while. Will you—never mind.” She hesitated.
“Izzy, what? Ask me, please.”
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
“Oh, baby. Of course I will be here. I took some time off of work. I’m not going anywhere. So I don’t want you to worry about anything. Okay?” He kissed her on her forehead and wished he could take away her pain.
“Okay. Thank you. Sean, I—I love you.” She squeezed her eyes tightly shut before the tears could fall for the millionth time. She was so tired of crying, of not being able to stop herself.
“I love you, Izzy. I love you so much. You’re going to be okay, baby. I promise. We’re going to get through this together.” He watched her closed eyes. “Izzy?” She had fallen asleep.
That’s it, baby. Rest. I’ll be right here when you wake up. He leaned over and kissed her mouth. Not wanting her to catch a chill, he brought the covers up to surround her. He stared at her sleeping form, the covers pulled up to her chin. She looked like she was wrapped in a cocoon. If only, he thought. If only there were a magical cocoon that he could put her in to protect her from all the pain and misery of this world.
“Sleep well, baby. I love you.” Sean turned and left the room.
He walked down the stairs, numb from everything that had happened. He felt a hole burning through his heart. It wa
s unlike any pain he had ever experienced. He felt so helpless, so completely worthless. If only there was something he could do to ease her pain. If only there was—he was startled out of his thoughts at the sight of his dad standing in his living room.
“Dad. I didn’t hear you come in.” Sean went to sit in his recliner.
“I just got here. I waited until I had Connie down for the night. I wanted to see if you needed anything.” His dad came to him and placed a beer in his son’s hand.
Sean unconsciously grabbed onto the frosty bottle.
“No, she’s sleeping now, so I just have to wait until she gets up so that I can—what?” Sean didn’t miss his dad’s somber expression.
“I didn’t mean with Izzy, son. I meant do you need anything?”
“Me? No I—I’m fine.” Sean’s voice shook and his hand began to tremble. “Oh God, Dad. That’s not true. I’m not fine. I’m angry, I’m so damn angry!” He shouted. The onslaught of agony he had gone through and subsequently kept buried beneath the surface came out into the open. “Why?” Tears poured from Sean’s eyes and sobs began to tear from deep within him.
Terrance sat on the arm of the chair and wrapped an arm around his son.
“I know, son. It’s horrible what has happened. I know how strong you are, though. I know how much you want to help her. That’s why I’m here. You need to let it out. Whatever you’re feeling, get it out now. While she’s asleep, while she can’t hear you.”
Sean nodded.
“I love her so much. I can’t stand the pain I see in her eyes. It hurts so bad knowing that I can’t take it away.”
“No, Sean, that’s where you’re wrong. You can. If anyone can take that pain away, it’s you,” Terrance assured him.
“God, I hope you’re right. I pray you’re right. Because I can’t stand to see her hurting. It makes me feels so useless.” Sean let out a guttural sound, half cry and half scream. “Why, Dad? I just want to know why this had to happen to her.”
Morgan, Nicole - Love Knows No Boundaries (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 14