With This Man

by Jodi Ellen Malpas

  I have to go home with a man I do not know. I have to take care of two children I do not know. Yet everything inside me is telling me to do it. The man, my husband, he radiates comfort. When he held me and let me cry into his chest, I suddenly didn’t feel lost any more. I felt safe, and I’m not sure if that feeling was spiked by my need for someone to just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, or if it was simply him that made me feel that way. Just him.

  My husband.

  Chapter 10

  ‘This is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had, Jesse, and you’ve had some pretty stupid ideas in your time.’ Elizabeth slams her empty coffee cup down on the table, enraged by my suggestion.

  I don’t flinch, maybe because I’m numb. But my stupid idea is the best chance of getting Ava better.

  It’s been three days since she woke up. Three days of tears, frustration and hopelessness. For both of us.

  I’ve sat in that room studying her, watching her mind spin, her eyes squint, her breaths turn shallow as she fights to regain her lost memories. She’s seen a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital. Ava sounded noncommittal when she murmured her agreement and scheduled another appointment. I don’t blame her. That hour was a stress-fest for both of us, each question posed by the therapist resulting in tears from Ava and further agony for me.

  She can’t remember anything about us.

  The doctor says she’s ready to go home, but she’s going home with a man she’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to her. The pain that thought causes in my chest is excruciating, but that’s how it is. I’m being brutally honest with myself and with Elizabeth.

  Ava doesn’t know us. It’s my cold, hard reality.

  ‘I don’t want the kids to feel how I’m feeling, Elizabeth. I don’t want them to see their mother looking at them like they’re strangers, because it’s fucking agony.’

  ‘But the doctor said she needs her family around her to help her remember.’

  I slam my fist on the table, my frustration getting the better of me. I only feel mildly guilty when Ava’s mother jumps out of her chair. ‘She thinks she’s twenty-two, for fuck’s sake. She’s still single in her head, just starting out in her career. Everything after that is gone, and I will move fucking mountains to make sure she finds me and the twins amid that chaos in her poor head.’

  I take a breath and sit back, leaving silence between us. It’s a novelty to see my mother-in-law rendered speechless. ‘I’m asking you to take the children on holiday for me. Keep their minds busy. Let them be kids. I promise you, Elizabeth, I swear, I just know if I can spike memories of me and Ava, how we met, how we fell in love, the rest will follow naturally. You have to trust me. I’ve talked to the school. They’re understanding and supportive, given the circumstances.’

  ‘How long do you want?’

  I shrug. ‘A week. Maybe two. I don’t know.’ Maybe all the time in the world won’t be enough. Maybe the memories are gone for ever. I inwardly flinch. No. I have to be positive. And there’s no way on earth I’ll survive very long without the kids around. ‘We’ll stay in touch every day. Please, Elizabeth. I need this time.’

  Elizabeth’s lips purse tightly. I realise she has difficulty letting someone else take charge of her daughter, she always has, but she needs to work with me this time. ‘And what are you planning to say to the children, because they think their mother is going home to them this evening?’

  She will not make me question myself. I know what is best for my family. ‘I’ll talk to them. They’ll understand.’

  ‘You hope they’ll understand, Jesse. Their worlds have been turned upside down, too. They need their father, as much as their mother.’

  I brush my hands over the overgrown stubble on my jaw, so fucking exhausted. Hasn’t life thrown enough challenges my way? ‘And I’m going to get them both back,’ I vow. Because right now, Ava and I aren’t ourselves.

  Placing her handbag on her lap, Elizabeth studies me across the table, probably wondering where I might find the strength from, because I sure as shit look as beaten as I feel. ‘You look terrible.’

  Her insult is an acceptance without actually saying the words, and typical of my mother-in-law.

  ‘Yeah, well, it’s been a rough few days.’ I sigh, looking across the café. I spot Kate’s red hair as she scans the space for a few seconds before she sees me and gives the same sympathetic smile she’s given me every time I’ve seen her since Ava was admitted.

  ‘Hey,’ she says when she arrives at our table. ‘Any news?’

  ‘What, like if my wife knows who I am yet?’ I ask, getting up from my chair. Neither of them answers my sarcastic question, both remaining silent and awkward. ‘I’m going to pick up the kids. Talk to them.’

  ‘Where are they?’ Elizabeth asks.

  ‘With my mum and dad.’ I give Elizabeth a kiss on the cheek, squeezing her arm in a sign of my thanks. I know she appreciates my gratitude when she squeezes mine in return. ‘I’ll call you.’

  ‘Okay.’ She breaks away and heads towards Ava’s room.

  ‘I’ll give her some time with Ava before I head down.’ Kate links arms with me. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.’

  I let Kate’s pregnant belly lead the way to the car park, trying to psych myself up for what lies ahead. It’s a waste. Nothing can prepare me.

  ‘Jesse, you should know there was a report in the local newspaper yesterday about the accident. They mentioned Ava, you, even the damn health club. And her memory loss.’ She shrugs when I throw her a questioning look. ‘They’re asking for witnesses.’

  I sigh. ‘The police already told me she didn’t have her seat belt on.’ I’m still so furious with her but unable to unleash it. ‘Apparently she was reaching into her bag for her phone.’ I swallow, batting back my anger. ‘She has Bluetooth. I don’t know why she’d need her phone.’

  ‘A text. An e-mail.’

  I nod, though no excuse could make her recklessness okay. ‘Elizabeth and Joseph are taking the kids to the coast for a while,’ I tell Kate, feeling her look up at me in surprise. ‘This is too much for Ava, Kate,’ I start to explain, hoping she gets where I’m coming from. ‘I can see how overwhelmed she is. Me, the kids, sixteen years of missing memories. You’re one of the only people in her life that she actually knows right now.’

  ‘So what are you going to do?’ Kate brings us to a stop and turns towards me. The huge Hospital sign past her on the side of the colossal building is glowing, despite it still being daylight. An important beacon. I’m sick of the sight of it. Unreasonably, I want to rip it from the bricks and set it alight.

  ‘She might not ever get her memories back, Kate.’ I shrug and brace myself for what I’m about to say, daunted. ‘I’m a stranger to her. Just a man. So I have to go back to the beginning and try to make her fall in love with me again.’

  Kate places her hand on my arm. ‘You did it before. You can do it again.’

  I laugh a little under my breath, looking past Ava’s best friend. ‘I thank my lucky stars every day of my life that I found her, Kate. That for all my faults, she loved me.’ I smile a strained smile, one that’s full of the sadness I feel. ‘It’s a crazy miracle that she accepted me in the first place. I feel like she was my one-in-a-million chance. What if my chance has gone? What if I can’t make her see?’ I reach up to my chest and push my fist into my pec, trying to stem the building pain. ‘It would be the end of me.’

  ‘Where’s the Jesse Ward we all know and love?’ Kate asks seriously, punching me lightly on the bicep.

  ‘Love?’ I ask on a slight hitch of an amused eyebrow.

  ‘Yes, love,’ she retorts adamantly, following up her previous light punch with a not so light one. ‘Defeated doesn’t suit you, Jesse. Ava didn’t marry a quitter. In fact, I think
you’ll find she married you because you didn’t quit. A man who doesn’t give a shit what people think. A man who tramples anything in his sight to get what he wants. Do you want her back?’

  I look at her, stunned. ‘What?’

  ‘Your wife. Do you want her back?’

  ‘Stupid fucking question,’ I mutter. ‘And ease off with the punching, will you?’

  She ignores my scorn and points a finger in my face, forcing me to retreat or have it sinking into my eye socket. Kate’s one of those people in this world who you can’t help but respect, even if you don’t always agree with her. And now she’s pregnant, so I would be wise not to argue. ‘Then do what you do best and fight for her.’ Pulling her bag onto her shoulder, she battles to control her wobbling lip. ‘My best friend didn’t marry a fucking pussy.’

  My eyes bug, and then I laugh a little. Call me what you like, but don’t ever call me a fucking pussy. ‘Watch your fucking mouth,’ I mutter, loud but sheepishly, attracting the attention of many people in the vicinity, not that I’m much bothered by it.

  Kate marches past me. Or as well as a heavily pregnant woman can march, which is more of a wobble. ‘Save it for your wife,’ she yells over her shoulder.

  ‘I’m not a fucking pussy,’ I bark at an old man who’s stupid enough to come too close. He nearly jumps out of his skin and hotfoots it away from me. There’s no room for guilt. It was him or Kate, and Sam would skin me alive if I upset her.

  I stalk to my car, yank the door open, and throw myself into the seat, looking into the rear-view mirror. Jesus, Lord, the state of me. I’m not exactly enhancing my chances of succeeding in making my wife fall in love with me when I look like this. I need to straighten myself out. Desperately. And I need to do it before I pick up the kids. They need to see me looking as normal as possible, so when I explain to them what is happening, they will know that I am 100 per cent together, and I need them to be, too.

  Chapter 11

  When I pull up outside my parents’ home, a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on the outskirts of the city, the kids are out the door before I’ve had a chance to shut off the engine. The smile that crosses my face isn’t forced. They’re the only respite I have at the moment, the only peace in my rocky world, and while holding it together in front of them is adding to my exhaustion, I’m feeding off their love and their need to be close to me right now.

  Jumping out of my car, I remove my shades and brace myself for their attack. They reach me at the same time, each finding their places in my side.

  ‘Can we go now?’ Maddie asks, looking up at me.

  It’s the question I was prepared for, yet the words I’ve practised all morning disappear on me. ‘Let’s head inside,’ I say, leading them towards the front door. ‘I need to talk to you guys.’

  ‘What is it?’ Jacob’s gone from my side in a heartbeat. ‘Is it Mum? Is she okay?’

  ‘She’s fine,’ I assure him, placing my hand on his mop of dirty-blond hair and pulling him back into me. ‘I’ve been thinking, and I want to share my thoughts with you two.’

  ‘What about?’ Maddie asks.

  ‘Are you going to stop us going to the hospital again?’ Jacob’s tone is defensive. ‘You are, aren’t you, Dad? Why? Doesn’t Mum want to see us?’

  My heart bleeds, and I hold him tighter into my side. ‘She’s desperate to see you.’ I stretch the truth a little, if only for the sake of my kids. I’ve caught Ava a few times this week feeling her tummy, and I know every time she’s had a shower she’s been studying the small collection of stretch marks on her stomach, trying to get her head around the fact that she’s a mother of eleven-year-old twins.

  When I asked her if she wanted to see her children, I could sense the mental battle she was having in her head, and the tears flowed quickly after. Listening to my wife tell me that she didn’t want to disappoint them tore my heart out. And when she begged me to help her remember them, getting herself in a state, crying and shouting, I decided what needed to be done. I need to tell her our story from the very beginning in the only way I know how. With actions. Where to start is the biggest question.

  I look up to the front door and see my mum and dad standing on the porch watching us. Their faces are both sad. I know Mum can’t bear seeing me like this. I try to disguise my devastation, but there’s nothing a son can keep from his mother, whether he’s ten or fifty.

  I give my father a strained smile when he raises his hand, telling me he’s got it covered, so diverting the kids away from the door, I walk them down to the garden and sit them on the bench overlooking Dad’s vegetable patch.

  ‘She’s trying so hard to get better for you both,’ I tell them. ‘And I need to help her do that.’

  ‘You mean remember us,’ Maddie corrects me, holding my hand as if she could fall down a hole if she let go of me. She’s keeping me from falling down that hole, too.

  I nod, not prepared to lie, and crouch down in front of them, squeezing their hands. ‘You see, there’s a small part of Mum’s brain that’s not quite working properly at the moment.’

  ‘Because of the bang on her head?’ Jacob asks.

  ‘Yes, because of that. It’s like the key’s jammed, keeping the memories all locked up. I need to unjam that key.’

  Maddie’s bottom lip starts to tremble, and her eyes fill with sad tears. ‘How could she forget us, Daddy?’

  If at any point in my life I’ve wanted to rip my heart out and serve it at the feet of hope, then it’s now. This moment, looking at my children who are so devastated. ‘She hasn’t forgotten you,’ I tell them firmly, constricting my hold of their hands. ‘She’s just momentarily misplaced her memories. I’m going to help her find them, I promise. Tell me you believe me. Tell me you trust your daddy.’

  Both of them nod, and I reach forward to yank them both into my chest, cuddling them with a force like no other. I’m strong. I need them to feel my strength.

  ‘Nan and Pap are going to take you to the coast for a week or two while I help Mum, okay? You’ll love it down in Newquay. You need to have some fun. Take Pap surfing and help Nan catch some sandworms.’

  ‘Pap can’t surf,’ Jacob chuckles through his tears, the sound washing over me like the best kind of medicine. ‘And Nan’s scared of sandworms.’

  I cluck his cheek. ‘Then make sure you hide one in her handbag.’

  ‘She’ll know you told us to do it.’ Maddie rolls her red eyes before rubbing under them. ‘She’ll curse you to hell again.’

  ‘I’m already going to hell in your nan’s eyes.’ I rub some hair away from Maddie’s face and ruffle Jacob’s mop. ‘Look after them for your mum, yeah?’

  Jacob moves in and takes his sister’s hand, a sign of their solidarity and determination. My babies. ‘And you’ll look after Mum? Help her?’ he asks.

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘How do we know she’ll ever remember us?’ Maddie, my little live wire, my spirited, defiant little madam, isn’t as sure as her brother, and seeing her take the comfort Jacob is offering shreds me and warms me at the same time.

  ‘Because your dad said she will,’ I cough through my closing throat. ‘And what your dad says is law.’

  ‘We know,’ they say in unison, looking at each other and smiling, as if silently agreeing that they trust me.

  Which is good, because they should.

  And I will not let them down.

  Chapter 12

  I arrive at the hospital to find Ava’s doctor speaking with the head nurse. She nods, he nods, she speaks, he speaks, she frowns, he frowns.

  ‘Everything okay?’ I ask as I near.

  ‘We were just going to call you.’

  I’m instantly worried. ‘Why?’ I look across to Ava’s room, seeing her sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed and waiting, her fingers spinning her wedding ring.

 
‘Your wife was getting a little restless.’ He smiles fondly. ‘I told her I’d chase you up.’

  ‘I’m sorry, the children are going away with their grandparents,’ I tell him, watching as Ava looks up and spots me. I smile mildly, getting one in return. This is so weird, and the weirdness doesn’t seem to be lessening one iota. ‘I had to make sure they had everything they needed.’ I return my attention to the doctor.

  ‘The children are going away?’ he asks, making it sound like I’m sending them away. It has my hackles rising, though I fight to rein myself in. I don’t need anyone questioning my decision as their father, or as Ava’s husband.

  ‘They need some time out from this madness,’ I explain, diplomatic and calm, though it takes everything out of me. ‘And if I’m going to help Ava remember us, I need to go back to the beginning of our story.’

  ‘Your story?’

  I laugh under my breath. ‘Yes, our story. Let’s just say it would make a cracking novel.’ My hand sweeps through my hair. ‘We’re not your average couple, doc.’ I sigh, thinking how best to word it so he has a chance of understanding. He’d need to know us to understand. He’d need to have seen what we’ve been through. ‘When I met my wife, it was like an atomic bomb went off in my chest.’ I avoid mentioning that it felt like an atomic bomb went off in my trousers, too. It’s inappropriate. ‘It was like a part of my soul fused with a part of hers, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was the most incredible feeling.’ I look back into the room and find Ava’s still staring at me. ‘Unforgettable,’ I whisper, watching her eyes fall to my lips. ‘Which makes this all the more difficult to accept, because how could she forget? Us. The intensity of our relationship and everything we’ve been through together?’ I tear my gaze away from the woman who holds my life in her hands and return my attention to the doctor. ‘I’m scared to fucking death that those memories are gone for ever.’