I tried a few weeks ago, convinced Jesse to let me go back to my office, and he did, albeit reluctantly. It took just ten minutes for me to realise I was out of my depth – ten minutes of staring at the paperwork on my desk, ten minutes of Jesse watching me from the couch while I demanded my brain to tell me what to do, and ten failed attempts to enter my password on the computer, before I finally crumpled and gave in to the fact that I was of no use at the club.
I didn’t like it, not one little bit, and it wasn’t only because I felt so useless. That woman who works for us can’t keep her eyes off Jesse, and I could see clearly that my presence wasn’t welcome. I squeeze my eyes, trying to remember her name. Small things, simple things that I’m learning are slipping from my memory as fast as they’re put there. Like names. Cherry. I exhale, thanking my brain for giving me the information I’m looking for. I only wish it would give me my memories, too.
Am I any use at all? I scold myself the moment I question my worth, because there’s one valuable job I’m doing. Being a mum as best I can, though I sometimes question my ability there. Like when Jacob brought home some simple maths homework. Simple equations that I know how to solve from my school days, way before the cut-off in my memory. Yet I couldn’t do them. My brain simply wouldn’t work.
And like when Maddie and I went shopping for a dress for Raya and Drew’s wedding. I picked out many outfits, and each one was rejected. I didn’t even know my daughter’s style. That day is one I’d like to forget, made worse by the fact that when we flagged a taxi to take us home, I couldn’t even remember our damn address. It was gone, out of my head like Jesse hadn’t repeated it to me a thousand times in recent weeks. Thankfully, my daughter saved me.
But she couldn’t save me from the wrath of her father when we rolled up in a taxi. I was supposed to call him to collect us, but I had hoped that I could use the ride home to shed my melancholy mood. I did a good job, until Jesse went off the handle. And then I folded, crying, while Maddie showed her father her wrath. It’s all so fraught. We’re all tinkering on the edge of complete meltdown, and my stupid fucking memory is the cause, my brain’s refusal to give me what I need, what we all need, to carry on with our lives with any sense of normality.
And then there are the moments like just now. Moments when my brain is wiped clean of the shit tarnishing it. Moments when Jesse helps me escape. And there are moments with Maddie and Jacob. Moments when I look at those beautiful kids and try to come to terms with the fact that they are mine. How lucky I am. How wonderful they are, how they can make me smile even on my darkest days. Their little jokes about their father, how they relay the stories they know of our love affair. I could listen to them for hours.
‘That’s enough of the downheartedness today.’ His voice, muffled in my neck, is still stern. ‘It’s Raya’s hen night tonight.’
I’m surprised he’s reminded me. I just know he’s battling his instinct to hold me back. To not let me go. And I know he’s read Kate her rights. Silly man. That woman hasn’t had a drink for nearly a year. She’ll be even more ravenous for some girlie time and alcohol than I am.
‘You mean to say you’re releasing me for the night?’ I tease. I shouldn’t poke him. I’m looking forward to this evening so much, just to spend some time with Kate. If he withdraws his consent, there will be fireworks.
Emerging from his hiding place, he cocks one eyebrow, his lips forming a straight, displeased line. ‘Are you testing me?’
I stiffen when his hand slides to my hip. ‘Never,’ I say, quickly holding my breath. He gets me every time. I don’t have a hope of fighting him off, his powerful body laughing in the face of my small frame.
‘And you will be sensible, won’t you?’ A tiny dig of his wicked fingers into my flesh jolts me, and I nod frantically. ‘And you will stay in contact with me, won’t you?’ Another dig, and another jerk of my body and head. ‘And before you leave, you’re going to let me pin you down and come all over your gorgeous boobs, aren’t you?’
I can’t find it in me to agree. Not that he desires my agreement. He does what he damn well likes when he damn well likes. ‘You want to mark me?’
‘Actually, you like to mark me.’ He points down to his pec. ‘I miss it.’
I can’t help my frown. ‘Miss what?’
‘The tidy little bruise on my chest that has kept me company for the past twelve years. I feel a little incomplete without it.’ The slight tilt of his head spells out his want. ‘Suck, baby.’ He rolls over and points to the area he wants me.
I’m bemused, but I’m getting kind of used to some of the bizarre shit I’m learning about our marriage. And to be fair, I won’t deny myself a few more minutes of us in bed together. So I straddle his waist and latch onto his solid flesh, sucking him into my mouth as I look up through my lashes to his satisfied face. The man is a nut. And so am I, since I’m going along with all the madness he throws at me. ‘Happy?’ I ask, inspecting the perfect purple circle.
‘Delirious.’ He gets up off the bed and tucks me in. ‘I’ll sort the kids for school.’
I watch him pull on some boxers before he leaves the room, my eyes nailed to his solid back until he disappears.
I relax and think forward to tonight. I need a good drink. To numb myself of feeling. And that’s just what I plan to do.
Chapter 46
I sit in the kitchen trying not to think about Ava upstairs getting ready for her night out. Lots of women together, backed up with lots of alcohol. And one of them gave birth six weeks ago, and according to Sam is champing at the bit for a night of freedom since she’s finished six weeks of breastfeeding. I forced myself to agree. I’m regretting it now. Grabbing my phone, I dial Ava’s mother.
‘What’s wrong?’ she answers in greeting.
‘Nothing’s wrong.’ My face twists. ‘What are you up to tonight?’ I ask, all casual, catching the kids’ eyes where they’re sitting at the island finishing off their dinner. They know my game. I raise my finger to my lips, a sign to keep my secret.
‘I’m out,’ Elizabeth declares. ‘Bridge and cocktails.’
Fuck it. ‘Okay, have a lovely time.’ I hang up and beat the marble worktop with my fingertips, thinking. ‘Ah!’ I quickly dial John. ‘Hey, big man,’ I chirp down the line.
‘No.’ His gruff, flat reply has me frowning.
‘What?’
‘It’s Raya’s hen night. No, I won’t watch the kids so you can stalk your wife.’
I snarl. ‘Some friend you are.’
‘Fuck you. Have you heard from Sarah?’
My mood plummets further. ‘No, why? Should I have?’
‘Just checking. I’m hoping she’s gonna fuck off soon, because, frankly, I’m sick of looking at her miserable face.’
I flinch on Sarah’s behalf. ‘Tell her to go, John.’
‘I can’t do it. I’ve fucking tried, but your damn uncle Carmichael is in my ear like an annoying fucking gnat, telling me to do right by her or he’ll haunt my motherfucking arse.’
I smile a little, but I’m mad, too. ‘You owe her nothing. Uncle Carmichael owes her nothing.’
‘Tell that to a dead man,’ he grunts, hanging up.
I fall into thought, going back to my past briefly. Then I catch the kids giving me wary looks. ‘What?’
‘Don’t do it, Dad,’ Maddie sing-songs. ‘She’ll tear your head off and use it as a football.’
‘You’ll regret it,’ Jacob warns.
Scowling at my kids, I march out of the kitchen and head upstairs where Ava’s getting ready. So what am I supposed to do? Sit home all night worrying to death?
I find her in her underwear standing in the mirror. I groan. What’s she trying to do to me? ‘You look lovely,’ I grunt, slumping my arse on the bed.
She looks at me in the reflection, a smile playing at the corners of her nude lips as she twe
aks her hair into position. ‘I’m not dressed yet.’
I shrug, pouting like a moody schoolboy. ‘You still look lovely.’
‘You come to mark me?’
I look to the door, hearing the kids in the kitchen downstairs. My scope for marking is limited.
‘What do you think of this?’
I return my eyes to Ava, finding her holding up a little black dress. I just shake my head. Negative. ‘What about this?’ A green thing appears, and once again I reject it. She sighs, sweeping her arm out to the wardrobe. ‘Choose a dress, any dress.’
Good. She’s getting the hang of this. It takes me five seconds flat to find something suitable – a high-necked, long-sleeved, full-length jersey dress. ‘Perfect,’ I declare.
‘I’m not wearing that.’ The dress is snatched from my hand and put back on the rail. She quickly takes another down and goes back to the bedroom. ‘And stop sulking.’
‘You’re not wearing that, either,’ I call, trudging after her. She’s pulling the stupid gold thing on by the time I make it to the bedroom, a salacious grin on her face. ‘Why’d you have to be so damn beautiful?’
My wife is a goddess, and I know every other man on the planet must think so, too. And in that little gold number, she’s a shimmering goddess. Her cheekbones are also shimmering, and her eyes are smoked out, making them smoulder madly. They’re ‘take me to bed’ eyes.
‘Don’t look any man in the eye,’ I tell her, falling to the chair in the corner of our bedroom. I’m slumped. Moody. I can’t help it.
She wanders over and slowly turns, looking over her shoulder at me. With my chin still low, I lift my gaze, dragging it over her exposed back until I reach her eyes. ‘Zip me up?’
‘No,’ I grunt, eliciting a cute twitch of her lips.
‘Please?’ It’s a purr, one that hits my dick and takes it from semi-erect to rock.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’ It’s a serious question. Just look at her. This beauty, still in her prime, glowing before me like some otherworldly creature. I’ve tried to reason with myself all day. Told myself she needs to let her hair down and have some time with her girlfriends. Yet that primal, possessive streak in me has only grown by the hour, and now I’m in two minds whether I’d get away with bolting her to the bed. I ponder that for a second, thoughtful, my head tilting as I weigh up the option. I’d get away with it. There’s nothing she could do to stop me.
‘Don’t even think about it, Ward.’ Her tone is warning. And ignored. I love how she reads my mind.
‘And what will you do about it?’
‘Divorce.’ She points to her back again as my jaw drops. ‘Zip me up.’
‘No.’
‘Fine, I’ll get Kate to do it when she gets here.’ She saunters off, all strut and arse. I’m out of that chair like lightning, and I’ve captured her before she makes it to the door.
‘Jesse!’ she squeals as I throw her over my shoulder and backtrack to the bed. It’s doesn’t escape my notice that her screech of my name was more laughed than angrily yelled. She was prepared for my trample.
Flipping her on the bed, I pull off my T-shirt and capture her wrists, pinning her down, straddling her stomach. She blows some stray wisps of hair from her face and blinks up at me. And she smiles. She knows what’s coming. I get her hands under my knees to secure them, and pull my cock from my shorts.
‘Tell me you love me,’ I demand, my voice already displaying the hunger in me.
‘I love you.’ She complies in a heartbeat, and I smile.
‘Tell me you only have eyes for me.’ I pull a long stroke down my shaft, watching her as she watches me.
‘I only have eyes for you.’ She licks her lips, flipping her gaze up. ‘Fuck, you look lethally sexy when you get yourself off.’
‘Watch your mouth.’ I drop one hand to the mattress, slowly starting to pump my fist, electric energy sizzling all over my skin. And I dip, taking her mouth greedily. It doesn’t take me long to find my rhythm, my body stiff with pleasure.
‘Dad! Mum! Everyone is here!’ Maddie’s yell hits my hearing like a foghorn, followed by the sound of her feet pounding the stairs. No! No, no, no!
‘Fuck!’ I drop my cock, hissing when it springs back and hits my lower stomach. ‘You have to be fucking kidding me.’
‘Quick!’ Ava starts scrambling off the bed as I rearrange my shorts, sitting on the edge to conceal my mammoth erection behind the thin material. I’m sweating, and not with worry. I feel like an unexploded bomb. Motherfucker!
My baby girl lands in the bedroom, full of excitement. ‘Betty’s here, too!’ Her face drops when she finds me on the edge of the bed. ‘What are you so grumpy about?’
‘Nothing,’ I all but bark. Ava chuckles and puts herself in front of me, indicating her zip again.
‘We’ll be down in a tick.’ She looks over her shoulder and raises her perfect brows. ‘Once your dad has zipped me up.’
I pout, taking the fastener and slowly pulling it up. ‘I’m not happy,’ I declare, making sure my displeasure is voiced, no matter how plain it is on my face. ‘You’ll pay for this later.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’ She breezes out of the room, leaving me to talk my dick down and get my T-shirt back on. Torture. Fucking torture.
I make my way downstairs once I’m decent, wandering into the kitchen to find the whole gang here. Sam has Betty suspended from his arm in her car seat, and Maddie is cooing over her. Drew is helping himself to a beer, and the girls are in a gaggle by the island, praising each other’s dresses.
‘What’s crawled up your arse?’ Drew asks, handing me a beer as I dump myself down on a stool.
I don’t need to tell them. Sam laughs, followed by Drew. Everyone in my life knows how bad I struggle. I tip the bottle to my lips and almost spit out my beer when Kate swooshes around to face me. ‘Fucking hell, Kate!’ I choke, wiping at my mouth. Her strapless dress is a decent length, to the knee, but her boobs are a bench under her chin. I blink rapidly and look away, finding Sam. He’s okay with that? I cock my head in question, but he just smiles, studying Kate’s epic rack.
‘If we can keep them, that would be fine by me.’ He places Betty’s car seat on the island, joining me on the next stool.
‘Too much?’ Kate asks, pulling her red tresses over her front so they splay on her chest.
Raya laughs, pouring wine into three glasses. Now, Raya, she looks perfectly presentable, her long-sleeved dress scooping her neck at an acceptable level, the black material a stark contrast to her light blonde hair. My approval is short-lived. She turns away, revealing the back. Or lack of it. Her entire back is exposed, all the way down to her arse. I sigh, wondering if it’s that unreasonable side everyone’s always telling me I have, or if it’s simply age.
‘Easy on the wine,’ I grunt, waving my bottle at Raya as she dishes out the glasses.
She smiles as she takes her first sip. ‘You’re not going to invade my hen night, are you?’
I scowl, casting my eyes to my supposed mates. Neither of them look at me. ‘No.’ I would, if I had someone to watch the kids while I invade.
‘Good.’ Kate chinks the girls’ glasses. ‘I’ve done six weeks’ breastfeeding. My nipples can’t take any more. I’m going to get so pissed.’ She looks at Sam, who rolls his eyes, though doesn’t refute her intention. ‘If I’m still standing by the time I get home, I want you to slap me to the ground.’ She takes a glug of wine. ‘Because I’ll feel like an underachiever if I’m not flat on my face.’
I’m coughing again, looking to my mate to sort her out. But, again, all I get is a roll of his eyes. This is ridiculous. Wine, the dresses, the talk of getting plastered. I rack my brain for someone, anyone, who I could call on to pop over and watch the kids. I come up blank. Maybe I could take them with me. A little adventure around London.
Drew nudges me
in the side, his lips straight. ‘They’ll be fine.’
Easy for him to say. Am I the only one who’s worried? ‘Someone needs to stop this circus.’
‘I value my life too much.’ Drew slaps my shoulder with a firm thwack, making my teeth chink on the top of my bottle. ‘Come on, then, girls.’ Clapping his hands, he starts rounding them up, herding them to the front door.
‘She’ll be fine, Dad.’ Jacob appears by my side, offering up his jar of the good stuff.
I strain a smile at the cute little fucker and plunge my finger into the pot. ‘I know, mate,’ I say, if only to reassure him. She’ll be fine. How many times have I told myself that over the years? And look what happened.
‘I wish I could go.’ Maddie’s statement has the lick of my finger faltering, my alarmed eyes looking down at my girl. Christ, that’s a whole other form of stress. The thought alone sends me cold. Or colder than I already am. Now I really wouldn’t think twice about locking my baby girl in a cupboard. ‘Not until you’re fifty,’ I tell her, following Sam out of the kitchen, softening when I catch sight of Betty sleeping peacefully in her car seat. It seems like only yesterday that my two were that big. Where has the time gone?
The kids race upstairs to their rooms, while I head to the door. I catch Ava before she steps out of the house, pulling her back. The look on her glowing face is a sure sign that she’s ready for me. She looks bored. Crowding her, I kiss her cheek. ‘Don’t talk to strangers.’
‘I won’t.’
‘Put your belt on in the car.’
‘I will.’ She reaches up on her tippy-toes and kisses my cheek.
‘Drink safely.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Sit down if you feel woozy.’
‘Okay.’
‘Call me if you need me.’
Pulling back, she smiles, stroking my cheek affectionately. ‘I’ll be fine.’
Why does everyone keep saying that? ‘Answer me when I text you.’ I’m annoying her now, though she continues to humour me.
‘I will.’
With This Man Page 33