by Lily Silver
“It will be okay.” Lex whispered as she wept in his arms. “I promise.”
Even Duncan turned from his perusal of the seashore to nudge Jessie affectionately as he sat on her lap.
“I love you. That’s all that matters. We found each other, Jessie. We found each other again in this life.” Lex was crushing her to him, holding her with a kind of frantic desperation, as if he were trying to absorb some of her pain.
Jessie’s eyes were finally dry. She was exhausted.
They sat for a long time holding each other, looking out at the wide expanse of sea and sky. The wind was crisp on the point. The sea birds screeched above their heads. Duncan stood up with his front legs perched on the car door and growled at the winged intruders to warn them away.
Jessie felt small and stupid for breaking down as she had, but damn it--it had felt so good to just lose control for a short time.
If the man was serious about marrying her, then he’d best see the ugly side. A few pleasant dinners and a walk on the beach could be fine and good, but reality wasn’t always so idyllic. If Lex wanted to marry her, then he should know there was not a happy family waiting to welcome him into the fold. He would be reviled, and they’d be ashamed to claim him as one of their own.
Her dad wasn’t a bad sort, but he tended to side with Mom on any given subject to keep the peace, so if Mom didn’t like Lex that was that. And as for her sister, Michelle thought there were demons behind every bush and believed that everyone who didn’t follow her flavor of religion was destined to fry forever in the fires of Mount Doom.
Religion. Now, that was something they had never really discussed before. Jessie sat up, extracting herself from Lex’s comforting embrace. She climbed off his lap and reached into the back seat to reel in Duncan’s leash. “He needs to stretch his legs.”
“And mark twenty weeds and stones.” Lex teased. “Yeah, I know the feeling.” He sighed, and opened the car door for her.
As they exited the car the mood between them changed. Lex walked along behind Jessie as Duncan tugged on the leash and started pulling her forward with determination.
Duncan kept pulling her along the beach. He was excited to be in a new environment and new smells. He discovered a dead fish and she had quite a time pulling the stubborn little Scottie from the disgusting mess. Lex walked casually behind them, sensing she needed a little space to reclaim her dignity as well as her composure.
Finally, they reached an old wooden electrical pole that was lying on its side in the sand. It was weathered from years of abuse from the sun and the ocean swells. Jessie reached it first with Duncan, and sat down as she waited for Lex to catch up with her.
He joined her on the seat, and sat forward with his elbows resting on his knees. All Jessie had to do was look at him and she felt an instant sense of calm. He sat very still, gazing back at her with a serene expression, as if all were right in the world, his world.
“We never talked about our religious beliefs.” Jessie began, bracing herself for the worst out of pure habit. Of course, Michelle’s wild accusations didn’t help matters. “I was raised Catholic, being Irish American. I’m not Catholic anymore. I’m not really into religion. What about you? What are your spiritual beliefs, Lex?”
Chapter Fourteen
Lex wanted to make some smart ass remark about sacrificing virgins every full moon, just to lighten the mood. Looking at Jessie, however, with her severe pallor and the deep circles forming beneath her eyes, he knew it was best to tread lightly where she was concerned.
He had been accused of devil worship and worse for years. It shouldn’t bother him; it was merely a by-product of being famous in the rock industry. The religious right always seemed determined to label creative types who explore the darker side of the human experience as Satanists. Typically, it didn’t bother Lex. This was different. This revolved around the woman he loved. He was being maligned to the woman he wanted to marry, and by the looks of things, she wasn’t too certain that her sister was wrong.
“I was raised Presbyterian. Like you, I’ve moved away from what I was taught as a child.” He said quietly. “I spent many years believing in nothing, and living my life accordingly. Now, I’m a new age spiritualist--period. Nothing scary or dark you need to be worried about. No devil, no demons. No weird cult associations. My spiritual journey is private and it’s all about deep reverence for the Earth.”
Jessie didn’t say anything. She was looking at him, almost if she were waiting for something to explode between them. Perhaps she was. She did have the look of someone who just left the twin towers in NYC on 9/11--moments before they collapsed.
“I meditate every day. I use crystals, aromatherapy and herbal medicine; things associated with the New Age religion but are aspects of ancient mysticism.”
She looked relieved, so much so he almost expected her to fall forward in the sand with a heavy sigh. She did neither. She just stared at him, more with fascination now than the fear she’d kept so tightly in check. “Like Shirley Maclaine?”
Lex made a face. “Ah . . . a little bit.” He lifted his thumb and forefinger to signify an inch, and then shrugged. “Unlike her, I’m not trying to get everyone to tune into my frequency. It’s my journey. It’s not about getting the world to follow your path. What I believe is closest to Eastern Mysticism. You’ve heard of Ravi?”
She nodded. That was good. She was still with him. “Are you his follower?”
“No. He’s a new age guru, a guide. I’ve listened to him speak and gained a few insights, but as I said, for me it’s a personal journey. I meditate every morning. I practice yoga and take herbal supplements now instead of street drugs. I talk with Ravi when I need to and he helps me sort through things, like other people talk with a therapist. That’s it. There are no church services, no confessionals, no proselytizing. No big ranch with guards keeping everyone in or out. We respect other beliefs because we believe every soul must find its own path to enlightenment. That doesn’t sound so scary, does it?”
Jessie released her breath in an almost tortured sigh. She’d been holding it, along with the pent up anxiety and panic over her family’s reaction to her wedding.
“Here, let me show you something.” He stood and took her hand, pulling Jessie to her feet. “Just stand here, feet apart, like this.” Lex stood in front of her, showing her the basic stance. “Put your arms out, that’s it.” He said as he let his arms extend straight out in a horizontal pose on either side of him. “Now, breathe in and lift your arms slowly.”
He inhaled, and slowly moved his hands upward until the palms were extended above his head. He held the pose for a second. Lex exhaled while pushing his arms down in front of him quickly and then gracefully moved them in a horizontal arc until his arms were extended on either side of him again. “It’s a calming breath, it helps reduce anxiety and stress. Do this about eight times and you’ll start to relax. It’s been proven that taking slow, deep breaths allows your lungs to full with oxygen and helps relieve the tension you feel when you are under stress. See, no mysticism, just body mechanics and science. Each time you move your arms and release your breath, and it releases a little more tension.”
Jessie did as he instructed, completing the deep breathing exercise eight times. “Okay, so what do you do at Christmas?”
He laughed. “I go home to visit my folks in Phoenix. We have turkey, open presents, listen to Christmas music--mostly country--my mom’s favorite. She has a tree, and bakes cookies. The usual stuff. Oh, and eggnog, with plenty of brandy in it.”
That made her smile. “I dated a Jehovah’s Witness in High School. He didn’t believe in birthdays or Christmas.”
“Ah.” Lex caught the meaning of her question about Christmas. “So, no presents from him on your birthday or Christmas. Cheap ass S.O.B.”
“He was nice. It was platonic, not so much about the physical relationship, but he did spend an awful lot of time trying to convert me to his way of thinking. Doing the philos
ophical questions all the time. That got old. I broke up with him over it.”
“You have your own path.” Lex reminded her. “The way to inner peace is different for each of us.”
Jessie looked wary again. “I’m not into religion. Okay. You just meditate all you want, but don’t drag me into it.”
“That was my plan.” He replied, offering her a patient smile.
New Age Mysticism? Jessie shook her head as she unlocked the front door and led Duncan into the foyer of their beachfront home. She flicked on the light in the kitchen, and mechanically moved to the cupboard, then crouched on the floor to fill Duncan’s dish. His crunching echoed in the kitchen as she remained crouched beside him, stroking his now soft and sleek back as he ate.
“What do you think, boy?” She found herself asking. “Do you like him?”
A wagging tail answered her as Duncan remained resolute over his bowl. Heavy clanking sounded from the stairwell as Ozzy’s overgrown claws plunked down the iron staircase, the sound of food summoning him forth from his master’s bedroom.
Seeing Jessie, the little pug became a squiggling mass of fur as he jumped up on her lap and began kissing her frantically. “Poor boy, left home alone again, huh.” Jessie crooned, stroking a velvet ear.
A note was tacked to the fridge. She slowly stood to read it. Jack was at Moonshadows, the local pub up the highway, with Steve. They’d be home later, his note promised. DO NOT answer the phone! Her brother’s impatient scrawl cautioned. Let the answering machine get it.
Jessie didn’t want to deal with her family. She was tired of always trying to fit in, to explain. Tired of hoping one day they’d come around and just accept her for who she was. Her father’s reaction hurt most of all. With her sister, it was pretty much a given that she’d incur disapproval, short of joining a convent. Even then, Michelle would likely disapprove as Catholics weren’t true Christians in her sister’s narrow worldview.
And Mom, well, there was no pleasing her, ever. How did you please a woman who had screamed at you from the time you were five that she wished she never had any blankety-blank kids? That statement, hurled at them in anger, pretty much said it all. Mom resented their very existence and told them so from the beginning.
Dad, that was different. He was the normal one, the sane one. The calm, rational one. He was the one Jessie longed for approval from the most of all.
It wasn’t happening. Not in this life.
Geez, now she was starting to sound like Lex, with his past life, reincarnation gibberish. Jessie didn’t know what she believed, when it came right down to it. She’d been raised Catholic, like most Irish-American girls. Still, she hadn’t kept up with church after leaving home and didn’t really think much about the whole universe and the hereafter, like other people did. She believed in living in the here and now. Making careful choices to ensure a peaceful, quiet existence right here, right now.
Damn, girl. Why did you decide to go into the rock music business?
She removed her denim jacket and hung it over the kitchen chair. Jessie then reached into the fridge for a cool Starbucks Frappuccino. With her cell phone in one hand, her drink in the other, Jessie sank into the plush living room sofa, content to be alone and sort out her feelings.
Her first instinct was to run---not walk---away from him. Things were getting too complicated. It was crazy. She took a small sip of the cool mocha beverage, pondering the man she’d become engaged to in the span of several weeks.
A whirlwind romance. Was it fate as Lex claimed? He said they were lovers in a past life and that was why he knew she was the right woman for him in this one. He said his soul recognized hers. Jessie didn’t remember him from a past life. She didn’t recall anything from another life, for that matter. She was too busy trying to forget all the bad stuff in this one. She didn’t know what to think anymore.
Should she shrug it all off, just let him have his idyllic fantasy about a past fling?
Or should she run, not walk, away from this new age touchy-feely guy?
What if he decided he wasn’t in love with her in a few years?
What had she gotten herself in to?
What had Kyra gotten her into?
She turned on her phone and brought up the internet. Comfortable with her cold mocha Frappuccino and the huggable black leather couch, Jessie started researching online about that guru Lex mentioned. Ravi--just plain Ravi. No last name. There were tons of hits. She started reading about the guy. Each link lead her to another site and after an hour of searching she had a brief understanding of the religious dictates Lex adhered to. Jessie kicked off her sandals and drew her legs up into a curl on the sofa.
Her phone needed to be charged. She rose from her comfy repose and plugged it in at the desk. Steve’s laptop was out, so she carried it to the sofa, logged on and continued her research. Maybe it was silly, but she wanted to make certain she wasn’t going to regret becoming Mrs. Alexander Coltrane in the years to come. She was going to make damn sure that Lex wasn’t involved in anything remotely resembling that other weird, controlling quasi-religious group so many of the stars in LA were into.
It was going to be a long night.
After eleven, a warning box opened up on the screen, telling her the battery was exhausted on the laptop. Since she had to plug it in Jessie decided to move her research session upstairs to her room. Her new smart phone was charged and ready to go. She grabbed it and retreated upstairs to her room. The dogs followed her upstairs and settled themselves on her bed before she had a chance to claim a corner of it for herself.
Steve and Jack returned at midnight. Jack peeked in at her and asked if she were all right. Jessie nodded, and he left her to continue her studies.
She heard the television blare to life in Jack’s room after a few moments, and felt secure with her brother just down the hall. At last, too, tired and bleary eyed to read anymore she closed the web browser on her phone, dimmed the light and sank down into the pillows to sort out her new found knowledge with her feelings for Lex.
You do love the guy. She reminded herself, balancing the decision in her mind. He’d been kind and willing to discuss her doubts about them. He admitted the truth easily today, not lying to cover it up, as if it were something to be afraid of.
The house phone startled Jessie awake. She hadn’t realized she was dozing until the sharp ring brought her back to reality.
“Hello?”
“I wish I’d never had you, Jessica. I’m not going to be around for your wedding. I’m going to kill myself.” Marcie Kelly’s shrill voice assaulted Jessica’s ears as she forgot her brother’s caution and mistakenly answered the phone.
“Mom--” She glanced at the clock. “It’s two-thirty. Where’s Dad? Put him on.”
“He’s sleeping. I’m going to take his gun and go out in the trailer and end my shame right now.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.” Jack’s voice startled both women as he growled from another extension. “Why don’t you just do it?”
“Jack.” Jessie screamed. She launched up from the bed and hurried down the hall with the cordless pressed to her ear. Jack wasn’t in his room. She rushed down the stairs to find where her brother lurked so she could stop him from taunting their mentally unstable mother when she was threatening to end her life.
“That’s it.” Their mother’s voice went on in an eerie, emotional crescendo. “I’m finished with you both. As far as I’m concerned, I have only one child.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, too.” Jack snarled. “It doesn’t work anymore, Mommy Dearest. You’ve threatened us for so many years its old hat. And--”
Jack stopped as Jessie reached the bottom of the spiral stairs. Their eyes met. Jessie was transported through the years again as the same scenario played itself out between the three of them; without the phone, and without Jack taunting their mom in the face of her threats. They were children, frightened, confused children, facing a monster who just happened to be
their mother.
She stood at the entrance to the kitchen. Jack stood at the island counter facing her, with the phone in one hand, and a fine white line of coke neatly set out on the granite before him.
“Jack, please, stop it.” Jessie pleaded. She stepped toward him and tried to yank the phone from his grasp. He evaded her reach. The look on his face was frightening. Jack looked like death himself, his face hard and his eyes cold as he boldly confronted their deranged mother.
“Mom, it’s not that bad.” Jessie countered. “Put Dad on, please?”
“Hang up, Marcie.” Jack challenged. “Hang up, so I can call the paramedics in Eau Claire, the fire department and the police. They’ll be at your door in ten minutes.”
“Jack--stop it.” Jessie was crying, sobbing so hard she couldn’t catch her breath.
Click.
“Oh God--” Jessie panicked, dropping the phone as hysteria engulfed her. “Oh, my God--oh my God--” She sank to the floor on her knees, wrestling for the phone with shaking fingers as she tried to re-dial her mother’s line. It was busy, off the hook, a favorite ploy their mother used. After upsetting those about her with her telephone terrorism, Marcie made it impossible to contact her. Jack shuffled into where Jessie was crouched on the floor, struggling to breathe, to make contact with their mother before she did herself in as she’d always said she would.
“Jessie.” Jack knelt beside her. “Get a grip. Come on.” His arms gripped her shoulders. He was shaking her, trying to reason with her. He rose, pulling her up by the arms with him. He marched her into the living room and plunked down with her onto the overstuffed sofa. “Christ, Jess, you’re scaring me, here. Calm down, you know she’ll never do it. She’s been using that threat since we were kindergarteners, and has she ever followed through?” He drew back, then, looking at her with concern.
“But--but--you--you never ch-challenged--” Jessie stuttered.
“Yeah, I know. I never challenged mom before, but think, Jess, has there ever been a time you remember mom being rushed to the hospital because she did take all of her sleeping pills like she always threatened to do?”