by Jack Parker
But then as the day went on, his checking of his phone became ever more frequent and his anxiety at not hearing from Kim became worse. The frustration and sadness as hours passed without word started to choke him up. There was a lump in his throat every time he glanced at the phone and found no messages. What the hell was wrong? Why wasn't she answering his text? Had he pissed her off? Maybe she was really angry that he hadn't called. Or maybe she was ill? What if something was wrong… maybe she'd had another heart attack? Maybe Keats had found some other random body to take over and had swiped her from her bed. Maybe –
Or maybe his mind was running away with him. God, when was the last time he got this paranoid about not hearing from someone? Not since his early days with Simon; the nerve-wracking months where they were constantly becoming closer and worrying about losing each other over ridiculous little things. With Robin's family history and Simon's infidelity issues it took a little while for them to feel safe and settled. There were many months of frantic phone checking and anxious inbox refreshing.
He grabbed his phone yet again and found there was still nothing. How many hours ago had he texted Kim? About 7 now, wasn't it? No, 8 in fact. His stomach was churning as he started to worry more deeply about her. Quickly his thumbs attacked the keypad and typed;
"Feeling a bit better, back to work tomorrow, might see u after work? x x"
He pressed send before he could change his mind about the kisses and he felt as though his heart was in his throat as he watched the phone promising the message had been sent and stared at it impatiently. If Kim hadn't replied in hours then why would she text right back now, he asked himself. He swore, put down the phone and pulled his duvet up around his shoulders. He really should get something more substantial to eat, he thought. He'd been eating nothing but crisps and bits of chocolate all day. No wonder he was feeling slightly sick.
Or was that the anxiety, he wondered staring at the phone.
This was no good.
"Right," he mumbled as he got to his feet, "sorry, Mulder, I'll be right back." He paused the DVD just as Mulder was about to something heroic and slumped to the kitchen. His stomach was full of junk and he needed something a little healthier to counteract it. What was he doing, trying to recreate Alex's bloody junk food binge?
There was some quiche left in the fridge. That would do. He spoilt the good intentions slightly by getting a big bottle of Pepsi back into the lounge with him but he supposed he was allowed an occasional binge.
He unpaused Mulder, leaving him to get on with something heroic and sank back into the couch, pulling his duvet around him and putting his plate on his lap. He lisfed the quiche and held the slice a millimetre from his lips when he noticed his phone flashing. He scrambled upright, sending quiche in all directions, and grabbed it from the table. He pressed a button and opened the message
"1 Msg: Kim."
His heart gave one very hard thump. He noted with some surprise that his hands were shaking slightly as he clicked to read the message.
"Hey! Hungover :( bet u watching x-files, wheres my invite? See u tomorrow x"
"Fuck," Robin whispered, still in disbelief at the rate his heart was thumping. She didn't sound angry with him. That was a relief for a start. He felt his mouth twitching into a strange smile. He couldn't understand that. It was one of those smiles that was impossible to chase away, like when you spot the love of your life walking towards you in the street or you finally get that x-files autograph you've been trying to get or a decade. His fingers danced across the phone, tapping out a reply. His heart was still going at double time. He could barely catch his breath. When was the last time he felt like this? He tried to ignore the revelation that he felt nothing short of a wave of elation at hearing from her and concentrated on his message.
"Caught me out, will save S3 to watch with u! Thinking of u for tomorrow x x"
He sent the message and his mind went to the fact that Kim was going to be on the premises at work from the next day onwards. That made him smile. The thought of randomly bumping into her brought a feeling of happiness and something approaching security. It made him feel the same way as he used to knowing Simon was only a few floors away in CID.
He began to feel a little more relieved now that he knew Kim wasn't angry with him and hadn't been abducted by random people either, although another part of him started feeling anxious again. The part of him that the day of DVDs was supposed to be sorting out. Still, he decided to try to ignore that part for now. He focused on Mulder and ignored his quiche-y duvet as he watched the rest of the episode and two more besides, then he let himself have an early night before his return to work the next morning.
He was returning after his ordeal at the hands of Keats, while Kim was starting her first official day. He was glad that they'd be there together. He felt a little safer knowing that she was in the same building.
As he settled down in bed his mind went back to his shameful incident the night before, but only briefly. Temporary insanity, he told himself. One of those things. A day of Mulder had managed to set that record straight and he knew for sure which side his bread was buttered. It was only a shame that his dreams didn't agree with his findings as he slipped into a sleep plagued with thoughts of Kim.
By the following morning his intentions of feeling refreshed for the day ahead had amounted to nothing and he found himself awaking with a great big, stiff problem. He closed his eyes and cursed himself. His brain was broken – clearly broken. He wasn't usually one to remember his dreams but the visions of Kim were going to be very hard to forget. Once again he realised that he was going to find looking her in the eye an absolute, definite bloody impossibility.
"Well, isn't this going to be a lovely day?" he mumbled.
Chapter Seven
"So much for light duties," Robin mumbled as he slumped into his chair and tried to brush some of the slobber from his shirt. His first day back wasn't going all that well. Despite the fact that he was supposed to be on light duties for a week his first task had consisted of being roped in to pull an amorous police dog from a suspect with an apparently very attractive leg. The dog was very insistent and it took Robin several minutes to completely remove the dog.
The suspect claimed that he would never be able to look at his own leg again.
He sighed deeply and looked at the phone on his desk. He kept thinking about calling CID and asking for Kim but he didn't think that was a very good idea, for several reasons. It probably wasn't going to win her any brownie points on her first day, and after the dreams he'd had the night before he wasn't sure he could face talking to her yet.
The day passed in a strange mix of people fussing around him, asking if he was OK, and lumping lots of work on him that had piled up while he was away. By the time the end of the day rolled around he was exhausted. All he could think about was getting home and spending some quality time with his oven and ingredients. He was thinking lasagne.
"Hey!"
That was the single word that put all his plans put of the window as he walked to his car. The jolt in his heart told him who it was before his mind recognised the voice.
"Kim," he turned around quickly and went with his first response; to give her a broad smile. There was a nagging worry that reminded him time and again of his dreams from the previous night but he managed to fight that back. "How did it go?"
Kim's expression told him everything he needed to know.
"I needed this, Rob," she said, "I always needed to get back to this."
"Oh, I'm so glad," Robin's happiness for Kim was so strong, she could see it in his eyes.
"You're not going home are you?" she asked.
Robin looked at her on confusion.
"Uh… well, I wasn't going on a tour of the Andes," he said.
"I thought you were going to take me for a coffee to celebrate my first day," said Kim.
Robin vaguely remembered promising that he'd see her after work, although the coffee part was something Kim see
med to have invented. He shuffled a little uncomfortably as he thought about the last two days, the embarrassment and the guilt. He tried to shut out images of his dreams the night before. They weren't really helping, and Kim was wearing far more clothes than that now. He was torn between retreating home and hiding under his pillow or wanting to mark a day of great importance for Kim. On the end, Kim's priority won out.
"Of course," he said, "where do you want to go?"
"You know better than I do," said Kim, "it's been years since I worked around here."
Robin hesitated.
"There's a café five minutes' walk away," he suggested.
Kim smiled.
"Sounds perfect," she said, linking her arm through his. A strange shudder went through Robin's body at the sensation. He swallowed and tried to focus on keeping himself neutral and not letting his mind run riot.
"Let's get going," he said his voice shaking just a little. He bit his lip as they left the car park and he tried to think of something to say but his mind kept wandering to the tattoo chair and the fingers on his back. He shook his head slightly and said quickly, "so what's your team like? Are they nice?"
"Mostly," said Kim, "my DCI is… well, he's not exactly Gene Hunt material. Bit weak really. Got bloody Fullerton and March as well."
"Oh no!" Robin gave a laugh of disbelief, "it's like you're never going to escape them!"
"But I think I'm going to enjoy this," Kim said earnestly, "I feel alive again, Robin. Not felt like this in a long time."
Robin's smile was warm and genuine.
"Good," he said, "I'm really, really glad, Kim."
"And," Kim continued, "It was nice to be hearing 'Kim' all day, too."
They walked along a little longer until Robin indicated a shop front.
"Here," he said.
Kim froze in her tracks as she stared at the building where a generic Costa Coffee stood in the spot where latte Land used to be.
"Shit," she whispered.
Robin froze.
"What is it?" he asked, the hairs on the back of his neck beginning to stand on end.
Kim glanced at him.
"Did you never do the latte run?" she asked.
Robin scratched his head.
"What do you mean?"
Kim stared at the building again.
"Nothing," she whispered.
"No, Kim, come on, what is it?"
Kim breathed in deeply. She felt as though she'd taken a step right back to the past.
"Used to be the favourite establishment of a certain DCI Hunt and his various colleagues," she said quietly, "of course, it was independent then. Number of times he sent me on the latte run. Simon too."
She saw Robin give a sad smile.
"I wish I'd had chance to get to know that world a little better," he said quietly.
Kim smiled sympathetically. She took a deep breath and turned to the door.
"Come on," she said, "since you never had the pleasure of doing the latte run you can buy my coffee."
"Bloody cheeky cow!" cried Robin as he followed her inside.
* * *
She wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but she couldn't stop herself. She gravitated towards the table that she and Shaz used to sit at. She could almost see her there, sitting opposite her. It sent her heart pounding again. She knew she needed to get Shaz out of her mind and she wasn't doing herself any favours by dwelling on it but she couldn't stop her mind heading to that subject again. Eventually she sank into the seat and waited for Robin to return with their coffees.
She felt a little awkward as he brought her mug across and sat it in front of her.
"Here," he said, "didn't think you'd appreciate a latte, went for the cappuccino."
Kim smiled.
"Thanks, Rob," She said.
Robin looked at her curiously. She seemed a little distant.
"Everything OK?" he asked as she stirred some sugar into her drink.
She stared into the thick creamy foam as her spoon made spiral patterns and gave a short sigh.
"It's like going back in time," she said quietly, "without the actual… going back in time thing. You know what I mean."
Robin gave a little smile.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," he said quietly.
"It was so surreal," Kim said quietly, "being back today. Like I'd never really been away and the whole chunk of my life that has passed… almost like it never happened."
"Must have been weird," Robin agreed. He caught her stare for a moment and had to look away. He wasn't sure what would happen if he dared to look into them for too long. He lifted his mug and took a cautious sip.
"I feel like I've wasted eight years of my life," Kim told him.
They weren't wasted," Robin reassured her.
"They were."
"They can't have been," said Robin, "look at everything you achieved in that time. Became a brilliant tattooist. Had a family. Met your wife." He noticed that Kim's face fell as he said those words. He bit his lip and felt a little uncomfortable. He'd forgotten about their conversation during the painting of the flat and the problems they were having over Kim's return to the force. He drank some more coffee, burnt his tongue and swore.
"You're always doing that," Kim commented.
Robin put down his mug.
"I know," he sighed. It was true. He was.
Kim took a sip of her own drink and tried to find another subject. Anything that didn't involve thinking about Linda.
"So how's your tat?" she asked.
Robin's eyes started to light up.
"It's just gorgeous, Kim," he said, "you did an amazing job. I love it."
"How's it feeling?" she asked.
"Bit sore," said Robin, "I'm at the scabbing over stage now."
"Lovely," said Kim, pulling a face.
"When can I get the colour done?" Robin asked.
"Give it two weeks and I'll see how it's healing," said Kim, "then we'll get the colour in for you."
"Great," said Robin.
Kim took another sip of her coffee, this time in serious danger of following in Robin's footsteps and burning her tongue. She looked down and cleared her throat. There was something playing on her mind and she couldn't get it to leave her alone. "Rob?"
"Hmm?"
Kim took a deep breath.
"Was there something… funny… between us," she asked, "after your tattoo?"
Her words made Robin freeze and almost choke on his coffee. He coughed a few times and finally put down his mug. His mind went back to the day; the moments he'd been trying to forget.
"What do you mean?" his voice was so anxious he almost stuttered.
"Before you left," Kim bit her lip, "things were a bit… awkward."
Robin tried to think fast but he wasn't good at being put on the spot.
"I… Your next customer was making me feel guilty," he lied.
Kim breathed in and out slowly then stared at her cup.
"It was when I stared, wasn't it," she said quietly, "at your scars."
Robin swallowed, his chest awash with anxiety.
"That was…" he was going to say that was part of it but he didn't want to explain the rest. He trailed off and looked away.
"I don't know what you were thinking, Rob, but I wasn't… wasn't repelled or disgusted or anything like that," she said quietly, "I just… I didn't know they were so bad and I was shocked. I was so angry with him for what he did to you, and I just wanted…"
Robin looked at her as she trailed off.
"What?"
Kim looked at him.
"Wanted to just take it away from you."
Robin had tried hard not to catch her eye but he couldn't keep his line of sight away from her any more and found himself caught by one of her intense stares. He swallowed and tried not to let his pulse speed up. He wasn't sure what to say as he stared her in the eye.
"It doesn't matter," he whispered.
"You thought that I was horrified by
you." Kim said quietly, "didn't you?"
Robin blinked.
"Kim, I… was horrified by myself," he said quyietly, "I didn't want to see them, and I didn't want you to see them."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't want to see you look at me like that," Robin's voice shook a ittle as he spoke.
Kim's expression fell so fast that Robin regretted his words immediately. Her heart sank and she seemed to tremble as she whispered.
"I knew you'd think that, Robin. I knew you'd thought the wrong thing. Please, listen, Rob, what you saw on my face was my… my absolute revulsion at Keats, at what he'll do to people without a second thought."
Robin looked down. His doubts remained but he appreciated her words.
"I have to live with those scars," he whispered.
Kim swallowed and her eyes glistened slightly as though she might be about to lose a tear.
"I know," she whispered. She saw his face full of agony, the knowledge of the scars that he'd have to bear forever, reminding him every day of what he'd been through. She looked at him seriously. "Simon… has scars too," she was so unsure of whether she should be sharing those words that she found herself shaking and had to turn away.
"What?" Robin's voice was scared suddenly.
Kim nodded.
"Same place as you," she whispered. She reached slowly across the table, her finger held out as she indicated his chest and his stomach. "Right here."
Robin felt a terrible sense of dread descend upon him.
"How…" he couldn't even continue that sentence.
"It was Keats," Kim whispered She saw the horror on Robin's face. "Tried to push him off a roof and then…" she shook her head slowly, "weird, twisted moment. Pulled him back over. But the concrete on the side of the roof left deep gashes all over him." She looked at Robin seriously. "I think he was scared too. Of what you'd think, whenever you…"
Robin looked down as she trailed off.
"That's silly," he said quietly, "I'd never think any differently."