by Jack Parker
And that was the moment she froze. Suddenly the kiss seemed to cease and fall away. Robin slowly opened his eyes and drew back in confusion, looking at Kim's expression. She seemed fraught and frozen, as through someone had stalled time. Her eyes showed a kind of panic that sent a terrible shudder through Robin's body. What had he done wrong?
"Kim?" he whispered.
Kim started to tremble before him. Her lips moved as she tried to speak but no sound came from her. Her head started to shake back and forth and she started to scramble upright.
"I… I can't do this," she whispered.
"What?" Robin breathed, almost paralysed with anxiety.
"I can't do this," she shook her head, her eyes wide and scared, "I'm sorry. I'm…" she scrambled out of the bed and pushed her feet into her shoes. "I'm so sorry. "
"Kim, wait," Robin quickly jumped out of bed and followed her as she ran into the hallway. She ran her hands through her tousled hair to smarten it up and pulled her top back into place.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her eyes urgent and her voice broken, "it's too much."
"Kim," Robin's voice crackled with tears of shock that were about to begin, "Please, don't just leave me – please, Kim, whatever I did –"
"It's not you," Kim's eyes were starting to mist over as a deep sense of darkness filled the pit of her belly, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Before Robin could stop her she'd fled through the front door, her feet pounding down the corridor. He reached the doorway and yelled after her, screaming her name again and again but she didn't look back and she didn't respond. His scarred chest was on full display to all the neighbours as they peered through their spyholes once again but he didn't care. He didn't care what they thought. It was only Kim he cared about, and she was gone.
"What did I do?" he cried, "whatever I did… I'm sorry, Kim –"
He closed his eyes, turned his head to the ceiling and swore profusely. There were tears falling from his eyes and his face was twisted with devastation. It felt as though someone had yanked his heart clean out of his chest. He wanted to scream until his throat grew raw and his lungs collapsed upon themselves. He could hardly take in a breath for crying as he closed the door and sank to the ground. He'd never been so confused, his feelings never so turbulent, but more than that he realised that he'd never felt so distraught.
* * *
Kim sat in the car, shaking from head to toe, choking out loud, deep-rooted sobs and clutching the steering wheel. She'd driven for about fifty meters when she realised she was probably over the legal limit and couldn't actually see for tears so she'd pulled into a side road where she stopped and screamed out her anguish.
Her anger at her own actions was growing, her deep regret for running out on him again was almost suffocating her but she couldn't stop herself from leaving. It had all been too much. She needed to get away, needed to escape the situation.
With trembling hands she pulled out her phone and quickly pressed Robin's number. Her hands shook as she held the phone to her ear. It seemed to ring forever. Was he even going to answer it? Rain cascaded against the windscreen, replicating her tears and her heart was going so fast that she wasn't sure she would survive this moment. Finally the call was answered but there was silence on the line.
"Robin?" she asked eventually, her voice tiny and tearful.
"Kim, please, come back," Robin pleaded. He sounded shattered and broken, hardly able to speak.
"Robin, I… I'm so sorry," she breathed.
"Where are you, Kim?" Robin asked her tearfully.
"I'm in the car," Kim whispered, "I just… I had to go."
"Kim, come back, please," Robin begged, "we need to talk about this."
"I can't, Rob."
"Please," Robin begged, "we won't do anything…hell, I don't want to do anything that you don't want, Kim, and I'd never have… I mean, I thought… thought you wanted to."
"I did," Kim's admission almost killed her, "but it's just… it's just too hard, Rob. It's too much and I can't cope with this."
"I know it's complicated," Robin cried, sounding more tearful with every word, "you're married, and even if you think it's over there are still…"
"It's not that," Kim wept.
"What is it then?" Robin cried, trying to make sense of it, "Kim, if things were moving too fast…"
"I just can't do it, Robin," Kim whispered.
"Please just talk to me," Robin begged, "I just want to talk. I don't want to lose you."
"I can't explain this."
"Please try? Please… I want to know what I did wrong because I never, ever wanted to hurt you, in any way, not for a moment."
"it's not you, Robin," Kim cried, "It was me. It's all me."
"What do you mnean?" Robin's voice was broken.
"I don't… I don't know what to do."
"You're not the only one in a mess, Kim!" Robin cried, "I'm every bit as confused and messed up as you!"
"I know," Kim whispered, "I know, Rob."
"So come back," Robin sounded desperate, "we need to talk this through, we just need to… need to work out…"
"There's nothing to talk about, Robin," Kim cried tearfully, "it's not going to happen. I can't do it."
"We can go as slowly as you want… as we both want…"
"I don't think I ever can," Kim closed her eyes, choked by the truth, "you're a man, Robin."
"Yeah – and you're a woman!" Robin cried, "I'm going through exactly the same things as you are tight now!"
"I can't… I can't face the thought of it…" Kim's tears became harder, her sobs painfully wracking her chest, "I can't… can't touch you…." She squeezed her eyes closed more tightly as she said, "you've got the wrong body, Robin."
"Well so have you!" cried Robin.
"I can't… It's not…" Kim struggled for the words, "I don't understand how come I'm falling for someone so deeply when I don't wan't want to touch… when I can't…"
She heard Robin breathing heavily on the line.
"What did you say?"
"I… you're still a man… I just don't like…"
"Before that."
Kim bit her lip and looked downwards. She couldn't bring herself to say it again. Not when she knew that she would never be able to follow through the way she was feeling with a physical response.
"Rob, I have to go," she whispered, "We have to forget his."
"I can't Kim, not now you've said that."
"I didn't mean to say it."
"But you did, and I can't let you go… can't just forget about this without you knowing how I feel too."
Kim shook her head as she clutched the phone. She didn't want to hear that. She had a feeling it was only going to make it harder.
"I'm sorry," she whispered one last time and cut the call before she could change her mind and say something else she was going to regret.
She let the phone fall to the floor as she cried and screamed. To herself, she felt anger, guilt and complete resentment. To Robin, she felt very differently.
She gripped the steering wheel again as she cried. She could hardly breathe, and if she was honest she didn't really want to. She wished she could just fade away. The best thing that had happened to her in eight long years and she had spoilt it in one short evening, all because her own bloody sexuality was too damn strong.
Her heart was at odds with her genetics. That wasn't an easy equation to solve.
Chapter Eleven
Kim rubbed her fingers gently around her sore lips. She looked in the mirror. They seemed a little red, even. Would it really have made that much of a difference? Just a tiny bit of stubble? It wasn't even as though Robin had a beard. She could quite imagine that kissing Evan would lead to losing three layers of skin from her face. Well, that and the will to live.
It hurt. That wasn't right was it? Was this what happened to straight women all the time? Or was it just because she was so used to the gentle feeling of kissing a woman? If she'd spent half
her life with her tongue down the throats of men then would she even have noticed?
She closed her eyes and replayed the sensation of that kiss. The roughness aside, she had never felt more of a wild, intense need to kiss someone. It felt as though it was meant to be. Like it was pre-planned by fate. A stage direction in a play. She thought about Robin's eyes, so dark and intense. She thought about the feeling of warmth as she pressed her body against him.
"And then it all unravelled," she whispered as she hung her head.
It was that thing again. That's what it was. And her own fault for allowing herself to bring her knee up to touch it. She knew she'd find it in that particular state – she would even have been offended if she hadn't. But that was the point at which all her desires, her incredible pull towards Robin, her growing feelings for him – that was the point at which they all started to fall apart.
In a way, she finally understood some aspects of homophobia. All those times she'd wanted to hit someone for saying "Ugh, the thought of two men or women together," or "I don't like the thought of touching someone with the same bits as me down there," or "It's not natural, is it?" – she understood it now, as plain as day – just the other way around.
She didn't like men. She had never been attracted to them. She didn't find them attractive or arousing. And as for what they kept in their trousers… well, she was positively phobic about the idea of letting one of those anywhere near her. What was she, heterophobic? Did such a thing even exist? If not, she seemed to have just invented it.
In her whole life she had never once had a fantasy involving a man, so how was she supposed to know what to 'do'? She was starting to feel things for Robin that scared her on so many levels, but one of her greatest fears was getting in too deep because sooner or later things would have to become physical and she would be right there on 'What the hell is that and what am I supposed to do with it?' territory.
There was more to it than that. The horror of Keats drifted into her mind, choking her with a sob of anguish. His use of gas and air mixed with his own very special brand of hypnosis had coerced her into doing things that she had never wanted to do in her life. He made her believe that she wanted him, that she wanted him to take her that way when in fact after the mists had cleared all she had burning for him was hatred and repulsion.
She'd had very little to do with the actual act. She was pretty much consigned to a lay back and think of England role while Keats made use of her body however he wished. She was glad that the whole thing was covered with a haze, but the fact remained that the only other sexual contact she'd had with a man had boiled down to a drug-induced sexual assault.
There were layers of it. Layers and layers. So much to deal with, so much to cope with.
She was married for fuck's sake! She did love Linda, even though it wasn't the kind of love she wished she could share with someone. The kind she'd shared with Shaz. She had known she would never feel that again and so she hadn't looked. She'd settled for second best and she'd only just started to realise that now. She hated herself for labelling Linda as such – they'd had their good times, and two beautiful sons who meant the world to Kim. Was she going to lose them? She couldn't stand the thought of that.
And what about Robin? What was she doing to him? This was the second time she'd run out on him – she was going to screw him up beyond repair. She knew that he must be feeling every bit as mixed up as she was. Even here there were more complications, because of Simon. So they weren't together right now – that didn't mean that, eventually, Robin and Simon wouldn't be reunited and she knew Simon would always be his priority. They were engaged for god's sake! And Simon… well, Simon was her best friend in a strange world. She felt as though she was betraying him as much as anything. God, how bad must Robin be feeling?
It was so hard. So difficult and complicated. It really wasn't worth it, it wasn't. She told herself that again and again as she lay on the backseat of the car all night, drowning in her own tears. There were too many complications and everyone was just going to end up hurting too much. Nothing could happen between them. Nothing would.
As she closed her eyes and started to cry all over again, huddled against the seat, she admitted one tiny thing to herself, bit only for a moment, then she pushed it away and decided never to acknowledge it again. The fact that the last time she'd felt so alive, so on fire, had been back with Shaz in 1996.
She didn't think she would ever feel that depth of desire again.
Now Robin had come along and re-written the rules.
* * *
Robin sat on the bed, rocking back and forth, his hands over his eyes. He didn't want to acknowledge what had happened. He couldn't even make sense of it. Kim had been the one to instigate it, he was sure of that. If he'd been the one who started kissing her first then he could maybe understand her backing away, but…
He shook his head. It made no sense.
He tried to block out the memories of the night but instead gave himself a shot-for-shot replay. He shook his head slightly as he remembered the strange and unusual feeling of her body pressed to his. The curves he wasn't used to. He thought for a moment about how strange it was to feel her breasts pressing against his chest. It wasn't at all like he'd imagined.
"Not that I've been imagining it," he told himself crossly, blocking out the memories of the dreams he'd had with Kim in a starring role.
He felt tears starting to fall down his face but he didn't bother trying to wipe them away There didn't seem any point. There was no one around to see. He thought about her words on the phone, her nonsensical apologies. She was disgusted with him, wasn't she? She couldn't bear the thought of touching him. He shook his head angrily. How could he have thought anything would ever happen between them?
Kim was right. It was all too hard and too complicated. He felt sick inside when he thought about Simon. It felt like he was cheating on him or betraying him. It had been months since his death but Robin wasn't like a 'normal' widow because he knew full well where Simon was. He might not be alive but he was still thriving, just in a place that Robin couldn't reach him. What if he got knocked over by a bus tomorrow and ended up waking up in Simon's bed? How the hell would he feel then? Even though Simon had said he wanted Robin to meet someone else and be happy it would always feel like cheating.
He reached for the brandy bottle and knew what he was going to do, drink until he passed out. Otherwise he would lay there, killing himself with action-replays of the night. He couldn't stand the thought of going over it one more time.
Whatever might have been there, whatever strange and confused emotions he and Kim had been feeling, it was all over now. Dead in the water.
Chapter Twelve
With her make-up stained face, flattened hair and crumpled clothes, Kim turned the key in her front door and walked slowly inside. She felt as much of a mess on the inside as she looked on the outside. She heard footsteps and it was only a second before she watched Linda walking through the hallway. They stared at each other in silence for a moment. Finally Kim said,
"Hi."
Linda stared at her. Her eyes were angry and her expression grim.
"Where were you?" she asked flatly.
Kim swallowed.
"Slept in the car," she whispered.
Linda nodded slowly.
"Looks like it too," she said.
Kim took a step forward.
"Linda," she said quietly, "I'm so sorry," she took in a deep breath. She felt as though she was giving a pre-learned speech. Going through the motions. She had spent the night going back and forth in her head and the only conclusion that she reached was that she needed to at least try to honour her marriage vows. She loved Linda, even if she wasn't in love with her, and she had a family. She needed to try. She had to try to put the attraction she felt to Robin out of her mind. She knew it could never lead anywhere and although she couldn't explain why it was happening she knew she had to fight it.
"I was worried," Lind
a said, although she didn't sound it.
Kim bit her lip.
"Linda," she whispered, "you're right. You were right about everything. I have been neglecting you, I haven't been working hard enough to make things work out and I've not taken your feelings into consideration." She felt as though the truths choked her. They were all true, but her apologies for them felt false. She knew that she'd been failing in her relationship but she just didn't feel as though she wanted to change. She was giving lip service and she knew it but she had made her decision now. She had to stick with it.
"Go on," Linda prompted.
Kim stepped forward feeling about two inches tall, going cap in hand to beg for another chance she wasn't even sure she wanted.
"I want to make thing better," she said, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, and I want to change. I'll give you the attention you deserve, I'll put you first, where you deserve to be. I'll even leave CID if that's what you really want."
Linda stared at her. There was a coldness in her face.
"You say I never listened to you," she said tightly, "I did, Alex. I listened to every word about how much you wanted to go back. And I didn't understand it but I let you do it even though I hated the whole idea of it, because I knew how important it was to you. It was clear that it was more important than anything else." She took a deep breath. "Which is why I am so angry. Because that includes being more important than me."
"No," Kim shook her head, "no, it's not."