And obviously, she’d never thought of it that way before.
“It’s just what we’re told. The teachers favor boys, that there is a boys’ club, that women need to prove that they could do anything that a man could do, and better.”
“Aren’t there some things that men are more suited for? And some things women are more suited for?”
His questions were reasonable. And true. But they weren’t questions anyone had asked when she was growing up.
She ignored them. “All through high school, I was kind of in a big competition with a couple of the guys in my class. Academic competition. To see who could get the top grade on every test and every marking period. With every GPA average.
“We were close. Sometimes, it just came down to hundredths of a point. We were the top three in the class. By the middle of our senior year, our GPAs were less than one tenth of a point apart.”
She tried to keep the bitterness out of her tone. It truly didn’t matter. Not anymore. It hadn’t really affected her in her life. Yeah, she hadn’t gotten into Harvard, but she couldn’t prove it was because of what happened. She might not have gotten in anyway, even if she had graduated first in her class.
“At the end of our senior year, it wasn’t even the end, it was like the middle, when they were figuring out who was number one and number two in the class, they left off one of my extra credits. Wasn’t much. And Mr. Conrad claimed it was an honest mistake. But he favored the boys. He’d walk through the lunchroom and stop at their table and joke with them. And other things.” She lifted her shoulder. She didn’t want to sound bitter and angry. “Anyway, they got number one and two, and I was the third. I found the mistake before we graduated. But they wouldn’t change it. It was enough to have made me number one. Still, they wouldn’t change it.”
Okay. Yeah. She was still a little upset about it. She should have been valedictorian, and instead, she graduated number three in her class. Maybe it wouldn’t have been a big deal for some people, but for her, it was a hard pill to swallow.
But then, Mariam happened.
“It’s funny that what happened between your brother and my sister affected us so differently. Because when she made that claim, and people questioned her, it made me really angry. How are you supposed to have proof of something like that? It’s not like you’re saying to your assailant, ‘wait, let me get my phone out so I can record you.’” She let out an angry breath. “Of course, there’s no proof. How many women have to suffer because there’s no witness? That’s not right. If a man assaults a woman, he should be punished. Not let off completely free because there was no witness.”
She couldn’t keep her hand still, and she waved it in the air. She felt so strongly about this. Her body wouldn’t allow her to stay still.
“That’s where men have the advantage. They’re bigger, they’re stronger, you can’t get away. And if you can’t prove anything, he does. It’s not right.”
She hadn’t noticed until she was done speaking that the relaxed state of his body had changed as well, and he was tense and restless behind her. His hand no longer dragged in the water but had come up and rested on her upper arm, his fingers wrapped around, pressure on her skin.
She didn’t care if she was making him angry. She was right.
“And that happened to you?” There was a threat in his voice. Anger maybe. Some kind of undertone that sounded threatening and scary and sent the bad kind of shivers down her spine. She didn’t want to cross him. Not when he sounded like that.
“Is that what tonight was about? It wasn’t about the water or the dark. It was about being trapped on the raft with me and no escape?”
His words made her eyes burn as tears filled them. She’d never told anyone. Not a soul. This was what she got for trusting someone. Although she’d said almost the exact same thing she’d just said to him to other people at various times, no one had guessed that it had happened to her.
She pulled her cheeks in and bit down hard. Her eyes wouldn’t stop filling, and the tears spilled over. Her stomach clenched and tightened, and her lungs seemed to strain for air.
She didn’t want to talk about it. As much as she was glad that Mariam had come forward and said what she did, she didn’t want to talk about her own past.
“Justice?”
There was a threat, that same threat from earlier, only it was underlined now. She wanted off. She wanted out. But she also wanted to burrow deeper. Because she’d never felt safer anywhere else than she did right here in his arms.
“It’s not what you’re thinking.” She said that fast and tried to put a flippant tone in her voice, though she suspected she failed miserably. “It was just the boy who graduated number one. He knew exactly what happened with my extra credit. And he followed me one night as I left debate team practice after school and went to my car.”
“In the school parking lot, there should be cameras.” That same threat was there. Amplified.
“This kid wasn’t dumb. He didn’t get caught on camera. But yeah, that’s a question I got when I told the school counselor the next day. They checked the camera, there was nothing; that was the end of it. They didn’t believe me. So I shut up.”
“Did he hurt you?”
She hesitated, not wanting to allow a silence to say something that wasn’t there but unsure how to phrase everything. She’d not talked about it since the day after it happened.
“No. Not really. More mind scars than anything. You know.” She lifted a shoulder, trying for casual, although the tightness in her neck and chest felt anything but. “He scratched me when he ripped my shirt. I guess my mouth was bleeding when he was done. I don’t think you could really call what he did a kiss, though.” She took a shaky breath. She hadn’t even been scared. She’d been more angry than anything. It wasn’t like he was a strong jock and was forcing her in any other way.
“So yeah, I guess the stuck feeling, the idea of not being able to get away, that’s all there.” Being resentful of men because they were bigger and stronger. Not wanting to give up her position of power. “But it was so hard, on the night we graduated, to listen to him give his speech and see him get the honor for the position that I should have had. The rank that I earned. Yeah, I guess I’m a little bitter.”
“Rightfully so.” His hand had relaxed on her arm. His fingers were still cool from the water. And they rubbed up and down a little on her skin. “Thanks for telling me. Things make a little more sense to me now.”
She nodded, laying her head back down on his shoulder, staring at the stars.
Maybe five minutes passed in silence as they floated down together before he stirred behind her.
“It gets pretty deep here for half a mile or so. If you want to take a swim, this is a good time to do it.”
“A swim? Like, get out of the raft and into the cold, dark water?” A little shiver went through her at the very thought. There was no way she was getting in that water. She couldn’t see a thing. There could be like a big fish that would eat her. Jonah came to mind.
“It’s hot. The water is cool. And refreshing. There’s nothing in there at night that’s not in there during the day too.”
“I’m not sure I’d want to get in it during the day, either. I’ve never been in the river.”
Chapter 13
Thad couldn’t believe that she’d never even been in the river. “Haven’t you ever gone fishing?”
She huffed. “No. For some reason, that wasn’t something my parents felt was important growing up.”
He’d known she was smart, but he hadn’t realized exactly how intelligent she apparently was. He definitely had some questions that he wanted to ask about that. Like, why was she still in Peach Bottom?
She could be anywhere, doing anything. And she was living in her hometown. He suspected the answer would say a lot about her. But they’d started talking about the boy and what he did to her in the parking lot. It was kind of scary how badly he wanted to grab a hold of someo
ne’s neck. A swim in the cold water would be good for him.
He also knew that Justice’s family was a lot different than his. But the idea of never going fishing. It was just crazy. “That’s almost child abuse. Never took their child fishing? Man. People should go to jail for that.”
Her laugh floated over the water and into the night. It was a good sound. His heart floated with it.
“There’s probably a lot of things people do to their kids every day they should go to jail for. My goodness. The things parents do to their kids.”
“Spoken by someone who doesn’t have any children.”
“And I’ve never been around kids that much either. Just talking with my friends, the things that we went through growing up. I know most parents mean the best, but still.”
“You haven’t made me forget that I want to go swimming. If that’s what your intention was.”
“You go swimming if you want to. As long as you don’t make me do it too.”
“You’ll be missing out.” He really wanted her in the water with him, but he understood the idea of being afraid. He didn’t, and wouldn’t, think about not being able to see in the water in the dark. “Just don’t think about it. Don’t focus on your fear. Anywhere you go, anything could happen. But why focus on that? Because then, once you give it room to grow in your head, it takes over. And then you end up not doing anything.”
“It’s called being reasonable.”
“Not really. I’ve swum in this river plenty. Just because I can’t see right now doesn’t change anything.”
“I guess the difference is since I’ve never swum in it at all, swimming in the dark is extra scary.”
“I’m here. And I’ll stay beside you if you decide to get in. But if you don’t mind, whether you get in or not, I’m going to take a swim.”
“Go ahead.” She sat up in the raft, holding onto the sides with her hands. She turned her head a little, and he could see that she had her lip pulled in between her teeth. Whether she was thinking, or whether she was worried, he wasn’t sure.
She didn’t need to worry. There really was no danger. Not much. No more danger than swimming anywhere, really. But swimming itself could be dangerous. One could drown. He didn’t think about it.
“If I get in, you’ll stay with me?”
“Yes.”
He supposed it didn’t matter whether she swam with him or not, but he really wanted her to. Not just the idea of being beside her in the water, touching her, although he really looked forward to that.
But the idea of sharing the experience with her. Doing something fun. Laughing together. Simply being with Justice.
Yeah, he wanted that. Maybe he also liked the idea of having her in the water even though she was a little scared, because that showed she trusted him. Just like her getting in the raft in the first place. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she trusted him.
“The best way to get in is to kinda lean your stomach on the edge and then just lift your feet over and slide into the water. It’s going to be a shock, because it’s gonna be cold. But I wouldn’t stand up.” He chuckled a little. “I’ve fallen out of the raft a few times by standing up.”
“Got it,” she said. “I’ll believe you. Don’t stand up.”
There was enough light from the moon, and their eyes had adjusted to the dark a long time ago, so she could probably see him fairly easily.
“Watch me.” He waited until her head turned, and then he leaned forward like he told her to do, his hands balancing on the edge, and put first one leg over the edge and into the cold water, and then the second one.
Yeah. After the heat of the night, the water was chilly.
“You make it look easy. Something tells me it’s not going to go quite that way for me.”
“Give me your hand. I won’t let go.”
Her eyes went to his in the darkness. Their gazes met. Maybe the lack of bright light intensified the motion, because he could almost feel her struggle. After hearing where she was coming from, he could understand why it was so hard for her.
He wanted to talk her into it, but he also wanted her to choose him, choose to trust in him, without him begging. So he waited. Silently.
She lay with her stomach down on the edge, her hands gripping either side, and her eyes focused on him. He didn’t move, other than occasionally kicking a leg to help keep his body floating in the river, and neither did she.
Finally, after what seemed like a very long time, she took a trembling breath. Her lips closed and firmed, and he felt a surge of triumph go through him. She reached out one hand, and he grasped it, gently but firmly.
She moved, one leg kicking over the edge and into the water with a light splash, followed by the second and a startled yelp.
“It’s cold!” She shuddered, the hand she held gripping his with a strength he wouldn’t have guessed she had. Her other hand still clung to the side of the raft, fisted in the vinyl. He could see the white knuckles in the moonlight.
It was tempting to go to her in the water and wrap his body around hers. That would provide warmth. But it was better for her to get used to it immediately.
“Give it a minute. It’ll feel warm soon. Especially compared to the outside air on your wet skin as the water evaporates. I should have brought towels.”
“I’ll have to believe you. It feels pretty cold right now.”
He laughed. “You’ll feel better if you move a little. You think you can let go of the raft?”
“I know a drowning person has a tendency to latch on to anyone who tries to rescue them and drown them too. I’ll try not to do that to you.”
He had to laugh again. “You didn’t answer my question. I said can you let go of the raft. And right away, you start lecturing me on people who drown. We’re not going to drown. You can grab a hold of me all you want to.”
She turned her head, her hair shifting in the water and floating around her shoulders. Maybe it was the shock of cold on their skin or just the bond that had strengthened between them when she decided to go into the water, trusting him. Whatever it was, their kiss from last night had been shifting in his mind for the last twenty-four hours. Now, it seemed to catch fire and expand as her eyes met his, and his entire body heated.
Heat flashed in her eyes as well, and her fingers twitched in his.
He wanted kissing, yes, and more. But there was something in him, something that he hadn’t really thought about and had never given much credence to before, but something that wanted more. A relationship with more.
He wanted the fun and the laughter, and yeah, even though their conversation on the raft had been difficult and awkward and uncomfortable for him to say the least, he wanted that too.
Someone he felt safe talking to.
It didn’t hurt that he wanted to kiss her as well.
But not now.
Now, he just wanted to have fun. He hoped she did to.
“Are you going to let go and swim with me?”
“Can you swim with one hand?” She held up their linked fingers. “Because I’m not letting go of this.”
“I told you I wasn’t letting go of you. I meant it.” He squeezed her hand to emphasize his words. “And yeah, we can swim with one hand.”
She lifted her arm, almost like a challenge, then let go, sticking her hand up in the air with her fist wide open.
He laughed and kicked away from the raft, pulling her with him.
“Won’t we lose it?” she asked, allowing herself to be pulled, even helping by kicking in the water a little, but looking back at the raft like it was some kind of lifeline.
“Nope. We’ll probably float down a little faster, but it’ll come along eventually.”
“There’s no waterfall or anything downstream, is there?”
“You’ve lived here all your life. Really?”
“I’ve never paid attention to the river. It could be a mini Niagara Falls, and I wouldn’t know.”
“It’s not. Nothing b
ut a few small and shallow rapids. Water that’s knee-deep, tops.”
“In my defense, this part of the river isn’t close to any roads, and I’ve never been on the railroad tracks.”
“It’s a good thing. They arrest trespassers.”
“Seriously? You didn’t think I needed to know that before we got out along the tracks earlier?”
“Nah.”
“And were you ever arrested? For trespassing of course?”
He couldn’t stop the smile. Although part of him wondered what she was going to think of his answer. “They never caught me. I was chased off a few times. But I can run pretty fast.”
She huffed out a breath, a little smile on her lips, but she was shaking her head. He wasn’t sure exactly what that meant. At least she didn’t seem angry. Or totally disgusted.
“I suppose we can blame this on the fact that you didn’t have a mother?”
“My mom would’ve had a hard time corralling us all. There were four of us. And only one of her.”
“But she was bigger, and she was stronger, you guys should have listened to her.”
“I guess you’re right about her being bigger and stronger, at least until we hit ten or so, but by that time, she was gone. So, your point is valid, and duly noted, but not really relevant.”
“Where was your dad during all of this?”
“He worked on a construction crew. And he was gone most of the time. Especially in the summer. We were pretty much on our own once Mom left.”
“Where’s your mom now?”
“I don’t know. A few years ago, I think Bram looked her up. She was married and had a daughter. I think she’s pretty happy. She definitely wasn’t wondering about us.”
“That’s sad.”
Normally, he hated talking about his mom. Or anything about his childhood too much. Other than maybe some of the scrapes that he got into. But he hadn’t minded it so much with Justice. And actually, it had taken her mind off her fear of the water in the dark, at least if the loosened grip on his hand was any indication.
The Bad Boy's Secret Romance Page 11