Loving Violet

by Terri Anne Browning

  “Remi,” I murmured, unable to help the smile that spread across my entire face. “We’re pregnant.”

  His head shot up, and those clear blue eyes clouded. The excitement I was feeling wasn’t reflected back at me, and my heart sank a little. “You can’t be.”

  A tiny laugh escaped me. “Well, there is the proof that says I very much can and am.”

  He lifted me off his lap and started to pace. “No. I mean it’s impossible for you to be pregnant, Violet.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You haven’t exactly been careful, mister. Or didn’t anyone ever explain to you how babies are made?”

  “Violet,” he growled, frustration making his face tight. “This isn’t a joke. I…I can’t get you pregnant. It’s physically impossible.”

  I blinked at him a few times as what he was saying set in. “Well, apparently you are more than capable. So, whoever told you that you’re not was a liar.” He didn’t say anything, and I felt the blood drain from my face. “Or do you think this baby isn’t yours?”

  “No, of course I don’t think that,” he rushed to assure me. “We’re together practically every minute of the day. Why would I think you cheated on me?”

  “I don’t know,” I cried. “But it’s how you’re coming across, Remi. I tell you we’re going to be parents, and you act like—” I broke off, unable to find the words to explain his reaction. All I knew was that it kind of hurt. “Aren’t you happy? Don’t you want to be a father?”

  He closed his eyes and released a shuddery breath. “Yes, my love. I would give anything for that to happen. But I can’t, Violet.”

  “Why would you think that?” I picked up the pregnancy test and waved it at him. “This tells us both that you can.”

  Muttering a curse, he took the stick from me and threw it across the room before cupping both sides of my face in his hands. “Because for a year, I underwent chemotherapy, sweetheart. The doctors told me it would be impossible for me to ever father a child afterward. Nearly impossible, apparently.”

  Tears instantly burned my eyes. “You were sick?” I couldn’t imagine him being so ill he needed chemotherapy. It hurt to even think about.

  He swallowed hard and dropped his hands. “I’m still sick, Violet.”

  I jerked as if he’d physically struck me. “Wh-what?” Two tears spilled over my lashes.

  “I have cancer.”

  “No,” I denied. This was some sick joke. We were so happy. Our life together was just really getting started. He couldn’t be… “You’re not sick. You look too healthy.”

  “Yes, Vi. I have an inoperable brain tumor. Two years ago, my grandfather took me all over the world, looking for someone who could either operate or come up with the right treatment plan to cure it.” He blew out a harsh exhale. “No one was willing to do surgery. It was too risky. The chemo and radiation shrank the tumor, but I hated how sick it made me. When I was finished, the doctors all warned me there was a high probability of it coming back.”

  “No.” I shook my head, not wanting to believe him.

  “A few weeks before you came to London, I started getting the headaches again. A scan confirmed it had returned. It was small but growing.” He dropped down into his chair and ran his fingers through his hair while I just stood there, unable to move or speak. I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. This couldn’t be real. It was just a really bad nightmare. I would wake up soon, cuddled up beside him in our bed.

  “I promised myself if it came back, I wouldn’t go through chemo or radiation again. I would accept whatever came with that decision, but I wasn’t going to go through that nightmare.” Tears filled his beautiful eyes when he met my stunned gaze. “I want a full life with you, Violet. I want everything. Every moment. Every joy. Every second I have left on this earth, I want to spend it with you. And if that life is five minutes, five months, or five years, I don’t care. I’ll take whatever fate deems me worthy of having.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked through numb lips.

  “Because I didn’t want to scare you.” He grimaced. “And I’m selfish. I didn’t want to risk losing you if you couldn’t handle my illness.”

  “You thought I wouldn’t love you if I knew you were sick,” I amended for him, pissed that he would think I was so shallow. How could he think my love was so fragile?

  “Yes,” he muttered and hung his head in shame.

  “How long?” I asked quietly, and his head snapped up.

  “What?”

  “How long do the doctors say you have?” Another tear spilled down my cheek, and I brushed it away.

  His hands clenched into fists. “They gave me a year without the treatments. Maybe more. Maybe less. It just…depends. But they couldn’t offer me much longer even if I did more chemo. The scans I’ve had since show that it’s more aggressive this time.”

  “How have I missed you being unwell?” I muttered, hating that I hadn’t seen any sign that he was in pain.

  “My symptoms are manageable right now. Just headaches throughout the day. But I have a prescription for pain management when they get to be too bad.” He grimaced. “Thankfully, they have been few and far between, but when they do happen…”

  “Our all-day nap sessions,” I finished for him, remembering the days when he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes open and we would just nap on the couch with Krush at our feet.

  “Yes,” he choked out.

  I scrubbed my hands over my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts. This was a lot to take in all at once. Going from being so happy I thought I might float with joy, to feeling like the world was crumbling at my feet was devastating on the heart. I didn’t even know if it was beating right then, but I had to figure this out.

  I knew I was in shock, that my head and my heart weren’t really comprehending everything he was saying. If they were, I would be screaming at the injustice. We just got engaged. We were starting a family of our own. Our life together couldn’t be cut short just because of that damn dreaded “C” word.

  Remington had become the other half of my heart. I felt him ingrained within my soul just as deep as Luca had ever been—maybe even more so. Ever since that first night in London, Remington had been fulfilling every dream I’d ever had. My happiness had known no bounds where this man was concerned, and now he was telling me that we couldn’t have this forever?

  I didn’t want to believe him, but the devastation I read on his face told me it was true.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” I demanded as I fought back a sob.

  “I’ve thought about telling you every day, but each time I would get the courage to confess, all I could picture was you walking out the door.” He stood and took a few steps toward me. “I just wanted us to be happy for as long as we could before I had to break your heart.”

  “Every time you would say I was your forever, you…” My legs gave out on me, and I started to fall. But before I could hit the floor, he caught me against him and lifted me into his arms.

  Carrying me to the couch, he sat with me in his lap, and I buried my face in his chest.

  “You really did mean your forever,” I sobbed.

  “Please don’t hate me,” he begged, kissing the top of my head while rubbing his hands up and down my back. “I know I’m selfish and unworthy of you. But please don’t leave me.”

  I lifted my head, and I couldn’t help glaring at him. “You think I could so easily walk away from you? We’re getting married, you big dummy. That means through sickness and health. My love doesn’t stop just because you are sick!”

  “I’m not just sick,” he said with a grim twist of his lips as he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away my tears. “I’m dying, Violet.”

  “Everyone is dying. Each day is one more closer to the ultimate endgame, Remi.” I pressed my head to his shoulder and released a heavy sigh. “You’re just…getting there faster.”

  A strangled laugh filled my ears. “I
guess that’s one way of looking at it.”

  Angrily, I shoved at his shoulder and pointed my finger in his face. “No more keeping things from me. I mean it. That shit isn’t going to fly with me anymore. I want to know everything.”

  He inclined his head. “So, is this where I should tell you the papers I need you to sign are for everything I own to become yours when I pass?”

  “I don’t want it.” I didn’t want his money or houses or cars or the damn jet or the fucking yacht. I only wanted him, us, our baby.

  Couldn’t we trade all those billions for a lifetime of being happy together? Wasn’t money supposed to buy anything?

  Why the hell couldn’t it give us more time?

  “Too bad. It’s going to be yours.” He kissed away the rest of my tears, then moved down to nip at my neck. Even as distraught as I was, I was unable to fight the shiver of pleasure, and I melted into him. “But if we’re going to have a baby, you’ll have to share it with him or her.”

  “Oh, so now you believe there’s a baby, huh?” I snipped, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “I’m hoping anyway.” He gave me a sad smile. “I’m sorry, my love. This should have been a joyous moment for both of us, and I ruined it.”

  Unable to keep myself from touching him, I stroked my fingertips over his jaw. “It was definitely life-altering, that’s for sure.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Isn’t there anything the doctors can do?” I asked hopefully.

  “Chemo is the only option because of where the tumor is located. But I can’t go through that again, Violet. It made me so sick that, at times, I thought I was going to die from the treatment.” His eyes pleaded for me to understand. “And even if I did do the chemo, there’s no guarantee it will work this time. Or that it won’t come back again and again. This type of cancer is just too aggressive.”

  “So, you’re just going to give up?” I whispered, my heart breaking a little more with each breath I took.

  “No,” he vowed with a smile that was meant to ease my pain. “I’m going to live my best life. With you.” His hand covered my flat stomach. “And our little one.”

  “Remi—”

  “Please, Violet. I love you, and I will give you anything you ever ask for.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “But I can’t give you that. Not even for you can I go through those treatments again.”

  “But—”

  “Don’t say it,” he commanded, his voice hardening for the first time I could ever remember. “Don’t use that whole ‘if you love me, you will’ shit on me. That’s not fair, and you know it.”

  I pressed my lips together, because I had been about to pull that card. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting for more time. Treatment would mean we had a chance at a longer life together. A year wasn’t long enough. A hundred years with him didn’t seem long enough to me, but I would take however much time we were given.

  “Can we pretend like we didn’t just have this conversation?” he asked with a halfhearted smile. “Let’s have a do-over. You can tell me you’re pregnant all over again, and I won’t say anything stupid this time to ruin it. Then we can tell your parents and see if they want to go with us to Vegas to get married tonight.”

  “Tonight?” I squeaked.

  “Tonight,” he confirmed. “Unless you think they won’t want to come. I mean, I knocked you up. Shane might want to kill me. Maybe we should just get married and then tell them we eloped and about the baby at the same time.”

  “You’re crazy, you know that, right?” But I found myself smiling, and I snuggled against him a little more. For now, I would do what he so obviously wanted. I would pretend like time wasn’t quickly slipping away from us. If he wanted to live his best life, I would make sure it happened. Every day. Every moment. I’d make them count. “Can Shaw come?”

  “Only if you kiss me, tell me you love me, and promise not to cry anymore.” He pushed my hair back from my damp face. “Your tears hurt me like no physical pain ever could.”

  I pressed my lips to his softly before rubbing our noses together. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Now take your beautiful self upstairs, pack a quick bag, and call your bestie.” He stood and set me on my feet. “But first, sign these damn papers, woman.”

  “I really don’t—”

  He gave me a look that had my mouth snapping shut. “Please, Violet. I need to know you’re going to be taken care of.”

  “Fine,” I muttered and walked with him to the desk where he gave me a pen and showed me where to sign. “But only for the sake of the baby.”

  His eyes lit up. “Whatever gets your pretty signature on these, my love. I really don’t care why you sign them.”

  Chapter 38

  Violet

  Just because we were getting married in a hurry didn’t mean I was going to forgo a wedding dress. Remington wanted to see me in a beautiful white dress when I walked down the aisle to him, so that was what he was going to get. Now that our time was precious, I wasn’t going to let anything get in our way, no matter the cost.

  Shaw’s modeling career came in handy because she called a designer she knew well, and we walked into a bridal shop only hours later that same day. There was no time for alterations, so anything I picked would have to come straight off the rack.

  To match my ring, I wanted something that reminded me of Grace Kelly’s wedding dress. I found one I loved with a high neckline. The bodice clung to my body before flaring out in a mermaid style, but the entire dress was overlaid with the most beautiful lace I’d ever seen. It fit so perfectly without needing a single alteration that I knew fate had made someone create this dress just for me.

  Back at the hotel, Shaw and I got ready. Remington was out getting the wedding details taken care of with Jagger and Cannon. Both had come along for the hell of it because they had been with Shaw when I’d called to ask if she had time to go to Vegas with us.

  Once I was dressed and my hair was done, Shaw did my makeup. She was wearing a simple lilac-colored dress we’d picked out from the bridesmaids’ section of the bridal shop, and she’d texted her brother earlier to tell him to find himself and Jagger dress shirts similar in color to go with it.

  By the time we were both ready, a limo was waiting for us in front of the hotel. As we walked through the lobby, everyone turned to watch. I saw a few cameras flashing as they took our pictures and fought back a sigh, knowing it was more likely than not that the world would know I was married before I even had a chance to tell my parents.

  As we got into the back of the limo, I decided I wouldn’t worry about how they were going to react. I’d deal with whatever happened later. For now, I wasn’t going to let anything bother me. I was about to become Mrs. Remington Sawyer. I would be his wife, the mother of his child, and we would be the happiest couple to ever grace this world.

  “What’s with that look?” Shaw asked as the driver pulled into traffic.

  I blinked and glanced at her. “Hmm?”

  She cocked a brow at me. “I can’t tell if you’re mad, sad, or happy. I’m getting this weird vibe from you, and it’s making me all jittery.” She took my hand and gave it a firm squeeze. “Are you sure you want to get married like this? There’s plenty of time before you start showing if you want a huge wedding. I promise not to let the moms get carried away and ruin the experience for you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “No, no,” I said, smiling. “I think this is perfect. Actually, when I realized I was pregnant, I decided I didn’t really want a wedding after all. I would have been fine going to the courthouse. But Remington wants a wedding. And a million pictures to go with it.”

  “Then what’s with all these emotions rolling off you?” she asked with a frown.

  “I’m mad because I saw people taking pictures of us in the hotel lobby. Why can’t people just leave me alone and let me live my life without needing to tell the world e
very move I make?”

  “It sucks, but that’s the hand we were dealt being born to celebrity parents, Vi.” She shrugged. “I hate it sometimes too, but I wouldn’t change who my parents are for anything.”

  “Yeah,” I muttered, my heart feeling heavy. “Me either.”

  “But why are you sad?” she asked. “It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.”

  I hadn’t told her about Remington’s illness, and I didn’t know if I would or even should. It seemed disloyal to him to tell anyone when he hadn’t even wanted to tell me. It didn’t feel right to share it, not even with my best friend. My therapist had told me talking about my feelings was always the best medicine. But I couldn’t talk about this. Not yet. Not when he hadn’t left me yet.

  And maybe I was hoping a miracle would happen and I wouldn’t lose him to this fucking disease after all. Maybe we would be given more time. Maybe we would grow old in each other’s arms as we raised our baby together.

  I didn’t want to think about him dying.

  I didn’t want to know what it was going to be like to be a single mother.

  And I didn’t want to fucking think about what life would be like without the man I loved.

  “I’m pregnant, Shaw,” I reminded her with a small smile. “It seems like my emotions are all over the place. I don’t know why I’m feeling all of this at once.”

  Her blue eyes stayed on me for a long moment, as if she didn’t fully believe me. But before she could call me out on it, the limo pulled to a stop in front of a beautiful wedding chapel and Jagger opened the back door for us. Leaning down, he offered her his hand first and helped her out before reaching back in to assist me.

  “Sweet Jesus.” I heard Cannon say, and I glanced at him. “You’re so beautiful, Violet.”

  A genuine smile lifted my lips, and I tucked my arm through his when he offered it. For the longest time, I’d blamed everything bad that happened between Luca and me on this guy. I’d hated him almost as much as I hated Luca for cheating on me. If he hadn’t kissed me that night, nothing would have been ruined. But I’d learned to forgive him with my whole heart because it wasn’t his fault Luca did what he did. It wasn’t mine either, but that had been a harder lesson to learn back then.