“Whatever you want,” I agreed.
****
I acknowledged our war a success and left only a small portion of my military to occupy the Vilken territory. For my supporters, it was time to claim their rewards. Petitions arrived from all over Faeland and Nogeland requesting parcels of Vilken land. I left only one Vilken estate intact. Aunt Kessa had been killed during the attack on Vilkerdam Palace. The only honor I could show the woman was to spare her family the punishment the rest of the Vilken nobility were suffering for their treason. Marinella Manor was the only great Vilken estate I left intact and untouched, and Countess Emmuska, Kessa’s young cousin and my onetime friend, was allowed to retain her title.
My return to Saranedam Palace was unheralded, as I’d entered my period of mourning for M’Tek. It was almost two years since Sim’Nu had taken her. In that time I’d been too busy seeking vengeance to observe the mourning rights. Finally, I would publicly mourn her loss. Over the following months I kept to my palace, wore only dark clothes, and brooded on the conundrum I found myself trapped within. I was mourning for a woman who still lived, rather than reclaiming her.
Eighteen months into my mourning, there was to be a summer solstice celebration at the palace. It was the first social event I’d sanctioned since M’Tek was taken. Even the Fae season, a right that had prevailed for more than two hundred years without interruption, was suspended during that period. I’d already informed Pet that although I was officially hosting the solstice celebration, I would not be in attendance. The Princesses were to be expected in my stead.
Pet commissioned beautiful dresses for the girls, but they were growing so fast the dresses needed some alterations before the party. Pet was having a difficult time convincing Lia to allow the royal tailor to fit her. After her morning spent pleading with the child, I was expecting Pet’s knock at my office door any moment. I stood and walked to the window as I waited. My gaze fixed on the still water of the lake outside.
Sweet Lake was beautiful in late spring. I gazed out at a few fishing boats on the distant bank, and the craggy peak of Mount Rapture to the west. For a moment I allowed my mind to seek M’Tek. Our connection was faint, but she was still there. I sifted through her mind, seeking a comforting memory of the two of us. It came to me in powerful poignancy. It wasn’t a spectacular orgasm, or even an unexpected expression of love. Instead, M’Tek was resting her head against my shoulder as we relaxed beside a stream. Her hair was still white, and I knew if I turned to look at her, that little line along the side of her mouth would show when she smiled. We’d been traveling that day, and both of us were tired. In that instant M’Tek and I had been perfectly happy.
There was a soft knock at my door, pulling me back to the present. I abandoned M’Tek in that oppressive darkness, and turned toward the door.
“Come in, Pet,” I called, attempting a smile as she opened my office door.
“I’m sorry to trouble you, Lore,” she said in a pseudo whisper.
“You’re not troubling me, my friend,” I said. “I’ve been expecting you all morning.”
“You have?” she asked. “Why?”
“Lia’s being difficult,” I acknowledged. “I can hear her tantrums all the way in here.”
“Ania’s an angel. She loves her new dress, and looks the perfect Princess in it,” Pet began as if tiptoeing around the issue. “I’d never call Lia difficult,” Pet continued.
“But Lia doesn’t want to wear a dress at all,” I observed, tackling the problem directly.
“She does not,” Pet replied. “The Princess has this strange notion she should be a boy. As much as I try to reason with her, I can’t talk her out of it.”
“It’s my fault,” I explained. “I’ve been telling her tales of how I grew up a peasant boy,” I said, smiling at the memory of Lia’s rapt attention during her bedtime stories. “She loves to hear about my adventures with my best friend, the smithy’s son,” I added. “They’re mostly embellished nonsense about childish pranks, but Lia enjoys them.”
“I guess that might explain it,” Pet replied, smiling for the first time since entering my office. “She refuses to try her dress for alterations.”
“I know,” I replied. “I heard her screaming at the dressmaker.”
“Would you mind talking to her?” Pet asked, a worrying expression in her kind eyes. “I’m only making it worse I’m afraid. She seems annoyed with me lately.”
“Of course I don’t mind. You’ve done more than enough. I’ll handle Lia’s attire for the solstice. Just focus on Ania. She thrives in the attention you shower on her,” I suggested. Pet looked relieved.
“Lia’s dress is beautiful,” Pet offered. “But maybe a suit would be more to her liking.” I smiled imagining my little tomboy refusing the delicate lace and ribbons Pet was offering her. “Are you all right, Lore?” Pet asked, stepping deeper into my office. “Have you been crying?” I touched my cheek and realized there were tears there. Quickly, I rubbed them away with the backs of my knuckles. It was the first time I’d actually cried since M’Tek was lost.
“I’m fine,” I assured her, forcing a smile. “I was lost in a memory when you knocked.”
It was the closest I’d ever come to showing vulnerability to Pet, since M’Tek was taken from me. Pet crossed the room and came to stand beside me in front of the window. Sensing my discomfort over the lapse in my self-control, she simply gazed out at the view, without attempting to touch me.
“I miss her, too,” Pet said cautiously. “You don’t have to be alone with your grief, Lore. She would want you to move on,” Pet whispered.
“Move on in what way?” I asked growing irritated with her. “You can’t possibly be suggesting I forget M’Tek so soon.”
“Soon?” Pet asked, cocking her head to the side and appraising me. “It’s been nearly four years, Lore,” she observed gently. I shook my head and swallowed back my response.
“You simply don’t understand,” I murmured instead, turning away from the window and returning to the chair behind my desk. “But how could anyone understand?”
“Will you walk with me, like you used to do?” she asked quietly. “The lake is truly beautiful today. Take a few minutes to appreciate it with me.”
“I should probably speak with my daughter,” I said, offering a rueful smile as I met her gaze again.
“Lia will be equally stubborn about her attire in an hour. Talk to her later,” Pet suggested. “Enjoy a little of this beautiful day with me first.”
I nodded, and Pet took my hand, guiding me to my feet again before leading me out of my office. It had been a long time since anyone, besides my children, had dared to touch me in so familiar a manner. I shifted my hand from her grip and continued to walk beside her. Once outside, we approached the lake. A cool breeze brought ripples to the glassy surface and disturbed the two rose colored geese floating near the bank. The larger of the two ruffled out her feathers, and then became smooth again. My gaze wandered along the bank and then lifted to the steep, pale, lavender mountains stretching out like arms, yearning to embrace us.
“It would be pleasant to be out there in a boat,” I said, without thinking. “I might float for hours in the middle of the lake, just listening to the geese honking, and the fish jumping, and sifting through my thoughts.”
“Would you like for me to procure a boat for you?” Pet asked, always eager to meet any need I expressed, no matter how loosely.
“Thank you, Pet, but no. It was only a fleeting fancy,” I explained.
We stood together looking out at the water for a few minutes, neither of us wishing to disturb the harmony surrounding us. The gentle breeze sweeping across the lake lifted Pet’s copper hair around her. I noticed a few light, silver strands woven through at her temples, and remembered M’Tek’s beautiful white hair. I wondered if Pet’s hair was changing, and tried to picture her with her golden green eyes and silver hair. Pet truly was a beautiful woman, I realized, as I gazed at her.
>
“I know how much you loved my cousin,” Pet finally said when she caught me staring at her.
“Not loved,” I corrected her mildly. “I love M’Tek. And how could you possibly know how much? How could anyone know?”
“It’s obvious, Lore,” she replied. “You could hardly breathe without her in those first months. You were devastated. But she’s been gone a long time,” Pet added.
“M’Tek’s not gone,” I said. “I still feel her.”
“The witch has put a spell on you,” Pet observed. “You came back from that parlay different,” she added. “You were angry before, enraged, and I understood that anger, but now you’re passive, and so desolate,” Pet said gently.
“Because I don’t know what to do, how to fight. I have to defeat Sim’Nu, but I can’t come up with a way,” I explained. “I’ve been obsessing over it, trying to form some semblance of a plan. I will get M’Tek back, or die trying,” I said without thinking. “I just need to determine how. How can I gain control over that witch, or outwit her at least? I have to be smarter than she is.”
“My cousin is long dead,” Pet insisted. “Let the witch keep her bones. Your life is more valuable than bones.”
I knew there was no possible way I could explain to Pet that M’Tek was both alive and not. Maybe my confusion showed on my face, because she wrapped her arms around me.
“It’s time for you to come out of mourning, sweetie,” Pet whispered beside my ear. I shook my head. “I’ve had a dress made for you. It’s the finest Noge silk, in a pale shade of grey. It’s a compromise to mourning attire. Try it. You’ll feel better in a lovely new dress.”
“Absolutely not. I have another six months of mourning, at least,” I pointed out.
“My cousin’s been dead a long time, Lore. You went to war for her. You destroyed a nation, and two cultures,” she said. “You cleansed the Borderlands. You’ve mourned enough. Our people need to see you happy again. They need your leave to be happy again. It’s time we all moved on. We’ll host a season in Faeland this year. We can celebrate M’Tek’s long reign, and her noblest accomplishments. I’ll decorate the ballroom with scenes of her greatest deeds. We’ll celebrate her life and reign, and have closure. You’ve never even publicly acknowledged her death, Lore. Give my cousin a public eulogy. Speak of how deeply you loved her, but let us move on. The Fae people need closure.”
“No,” I said, growing slightly incensed. “I’ll mourn until M’Tek is with me again.”
Pet eased back from me, trying to read my expression. After a moment she moved closer. I thought she was only intending to hug me, but then suddenly her mouth was against mine, her arms tightening across my back. For an instant the warmth of her lips was soothing, and I wanted to fold myself into the depth of her love. Instead, I shoved her away and turned my shoulder to her.
“I shouldn’t have done that, I know. It’s just, it’s painful for me, watching you suffer,” she admitted. “Why won’t you allow yourself some relief from this agony? I know you don’t love me the way you loved her, but I can comfort you if you’ll allow me. Let me warm your bed tonight. I won’t ask for anything in return. I’ve always loved you. You must know that.” I turned back to face her. She was clearly hurt by my reaction.
“You’re already a comfort to me, Pet,” I said, trying to pacify her. “You’re kind to my children, and you make my work easier. You keep me informed about the world, while I hide myself away in this fortress. You plan and host my social events. Anything you can do for me is done without my asking, and sometimes before I even know it needs doing. You give everything you have to me. I know that. You don’t need to offer your body as well.”
“But I want you, Lore,” Pet admitted. “I have always wanted you. I’ve been in love with you since you were that lost girl, struggling to rule Vilkerland on her own. It’s only my loyalty to my cousin that has held me back this long. My cousin is dead. And you’ve mourned her honorably. But you’re still alive. Won’t you let me offer you solace? I care nothing for power, Lore, only you. I’m not ambitious. I don’t want to be your Queen, or even your consort. I just want to hold you in my arms and try to make you feel whole again.”
“M’Tek is not dead to me,” I said, forcing my voice beyond the lump forming in my throat. “I still feel joined with her.”
“That will change, in time,” Pet replied. “When it does, will you try to love me?”
I knew, even if I never saw her again, I would always belong to M’Tek. Still, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around my dearest friend, inhaling the faint scent of lemon verbena that always surrounded her. I held Pet close for a moment, before pressing a kiss to her forehead. I needed to explain myself, to let her know I wasn’t rejecting her. False hope was preferable to rejection, I decided. I spoke the first words that came to mind.
“I already love you, Pet. I don’t have to try,” I said quietly. “You’re beautiful, smart, and kind,” I added. “But at this moment, I’m still deeply in love with M’Tek. She’s my point of reference.”
I released Pet and stepped away from her. Her eyes were red, but she didn’t appear upset. She actually looked pleased by my words. When she stepped forward and entwined our fingers, I allowed it. It was soothing, being loved by Pet. I smiled at her. Her grip on my hand tightened with that small encouragement.
“It’s a relief,” she finally said. “I’ve loved you for such a long time, but I could never tell you. And you do love me, Lore. I hear it in your voice. I see it in your eyes. At some point you’ll let yourself feel it,” she added. “I’m patient.”
In an attempt to change the subject, Pet began filling me in on the gossip from Faeland. It was the first time since M’Tek’s capture that anyone had dared mention such light, useless information to me. With the melodic lilt of my dearest friend’s voice, and the adoration plain in her expression, a weight that had settled on my shoulders over the past months, that bulk of knowledge and guilt I suffered with, eased a little. By the time we returned to the palace, I was ready to face my angry daughter.
When I went into the nursery, Faren, the girls’ nanny stood and bowed. I nodded a greeting as I took in the scene. Lia had her studious little nose in a book, while Ania was playing with her dolls, granting parcels of land for their services. I smiled, realizing Ania had been paying attention during the ceremony a week earlier. She had noted the parceling out of land in the northern part of the Vilken territory, or Baneland as the Noge had styled it. Pet had noticed it too, quickly making a string of offers for that land from my Noge nobles. Apparently, my nobles preferred coin to foreign, cursed, land. In one morning of sharp negotiation, Pet had become the single largest landholder in Baneland.
I went to Ania and kissed her on the top of her head. When she grinned up at me, I detected a hint of M’Tek’s wry humor in her smile. I left her playing and went to Lia. My would-be Prince refused to look up from her book, so I waited patiently until she finished the page she was reading. Finally, she raised her beautiful grey eyes, M’Tek’s eyes, to return my gaze. Her expression was too serious for one so young.
“I suppose you’re here to make me wear that awful dress,” she observed in a haughty tone.
“Come with me, Lia,” I said, rather than answering.
Reluctantly, Lia placed her book down and stood. She was still wearing her sparring clothes from her combat lesson. Both girls were instructed, every morning, in combat arts, but Ania had bathed and changed afterward, whereas my grubby little Lia had not. She lifted her small hand to me with such wounded dignity I had to focus on not laughing. I claimed her hand and walked with her toward her rooms.
“I don’t see why I can’t be a boy,” Lia observed as we walked. “You’ve always told me I could be whatever I wanted,” she added. “You were not only a boy, but a peasant one. I don’t need to be a peasant,” she offered, bargaining.
“Then it’s agreed. You’re a Prince,” I said, offering her very serious argument the attention
it deserved.
“Why force me to wear that terrible dress then?” she demanded.
“Do you think I’ll make a Prince wear a dress?” I asked.
“Well, Pet says you will. She kept promising to bring you, so you would make me try it on,” she explained. “She told me you wouldn’t put up with my tantrums for a second.”
“She was right about the tantrums. I won’t tolerate such childish behavior. You’re old enough to form a valid argument, rather than acting out,” I explained. “But Pet gets a little carried away sometimes.”
“You really won’t make me wear that dress?” Lia asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Of course I won’t,” I replied. “I will insist you take a bath, however. Even little Princes have to bathe, my love.”
She made a face, scrunching up her eyebrows, but I could tell the battle was already won. I leaned down to smooth her golden hair back from her forehead before pressing a kiss to the only clean spot on her face. She then disappeared back into her bathing chamber and I waited patiently as she splashed in the tub, enjoying herself far more than she would have wanted me to know.
Finally, she came back into her room, wrapped in an oversized bath sheet. I helped her comb out the tangles in her beautiful blond hair, and then left her to finish dressing, with the instruction to come to my office when she was presentable.
Lia appeared in clean sparring clothes not long after. I chuckled to myself at the stubborn nature she had likely inherited from M’Tek, as she sat in the chair across from my bureau, wearing a stern expression, as if waiting for the start of a business meeting. I came around to her and offered my hand. She accepted it solemnly, and I led her out of my office, and through the palace.
“Where are we going, Mamma?” she asked politely.
“I’m taking you to the tailor in the village,” I replied. “If you’re going to be a Prince, rather than a Princess, you’ll need princely attire,” I explained. “Real princes don’t wear their sparring clothes to royal events.”
“We’re going into the village?” she asked, her beautiful grey eyes lighting up.
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