by T. Rudacille
***
When I awoke, both James and Adam were there, but only James was awake. Violet was gone, and I closed my eyes again, picturing the village, scanning it until I found her radiating light. It was at our home, with Penny, Alice, Quinn, and Nick. She was calm, sleeping soundly beside Nick. I knew that she had gone to be with Penny, and that she had commanded both James and Adam to tell her the moment I returned to the land of the sane, or rather, the land where most people were relatively stable in their mental capacity. I take that entire instance of figurative speech back completely; I was returning to consciousness.
James was sitting up, reading something that resembled a newspaper. He was squinting more so than usual, because his glasses were back at the house, and he had not returned to get them. I could smell coffee, and sure enough, when I looked, there was an entire pot sitting beside a cup from which the bitter aroma rose in the steam. My eyes caught sight of rapid movements, and I saw that he was shaking his leg up and down as he read.
“Worst thing to drink if you are anxious.”
My voice cracked and broke when I spoke, and for a moment, I believed that the harsh tone, similar to that of one who had been smoking for far too long, had been what startled him, not the fact that I was awake and had spoken at all.
“Hey.” He threw the newspaper aside immediately and knelt beside me. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything?”
“No.” My voice was a little bit stronger. “How long has it been?”
“Two days, but…”
“Oh, my God… Penny…”
“…is perfectly alright. She's worried, but Violet, Nick, Alice, and Quinn are with her, and I’ve seen her when Violet brings her by for a little bit. She's been asking for you.”
“God...” I sighed and covered my face, suddenly feeling the urge to cry again. “First, she has to hear that I am dead. While I was missing, that is all she heard. Now, she had to fear that I was dead again. She is going to think that I am downright unreliable.”
“Oh, don't say that.” He said, and he came down to kiss my lips tenderly. “She's just worried. Violet brought her here an hour ago,” I opened my mouth to exclaim, to tell him how wrong they were to allow Penny to see me that way, but he held his hand up to stop me. “But every time she’s been here, she’s stayed out in the hallway.”
I sighed slightly in relief and squeezed his hands.
“She was a little disappointed, but I told her you were sound asleep, and then she told Violet that she couldn’t possibly wake you for her sake, even though she misses you terribly, which, of course, I laughed at ridiculously, as you say.”
I was laughing, too, as strongly as I could; though I found his little anecdote incredibly amusing, my laughter was weak.
“She told me I better be taking the best care of you. Before I could even respond, she said she knew that I was.” His eyes were cast down from mine, but a small smile was pulling at his lips. “She’s such a good kid. She’s the best kid, actually. I know I’m biased, because she’s like mine. But goddamn, woman, you did good.”
Even though I could not laugh, my smile was its typical bright beam.
“I did, didn’t I? Of course,” I smiled and grasped his hand, “Now it’s both of us, isn’t it? I can’t take sole credit anymore for her intelligence, manners, or general preciousness. But that is alright. I am glad you are here, James.”
Quite randomly, I said:
“I love you.”
The words seemed to impact him more than they usually did. Certainly, when I admitted my love for him and kissed him to prove just how strong my feelings were, he felt warmth and joy, similar to how I felt when he said and did the same. But after nearly losing me and actually thinking that he had while we were stuck in his nightmare, I knew that hearing me speak at all was a relief to him, but to hear those words meant so much more now. We could fully understand how crippling the idea of being separated by anything was, but the thought of being separated by death—by the last, most permanent boundary of all—was too much for either of us to bear.
When he got up to lie down in bed with me, I gently released Adam's hand. My eyes stayed fixed on him, and I knew that he truly was asleep, as I could hear his heart beating slowly and peacefully. So, without guilt, I turned to James and wrapped myself up in his arms by draping them over me and squeezing my own around his middle. Our bodies were clasped tightly together, and the feel of his firm body against mine sent delightful shivers through me; I had so thought that I would never again experience the wonderful sensations that took hold of me whenever I was in his company.
“I love you, too, Brynn. Look at me.”
I had buried my face in his chest so I could breathe in his scent. When I looked up at him, he pressed his lips to mine delicately, as though he were afraid that any movement too rough, even that of our lips, would break me. To silence those thoughts, I kissed him back hard and brought my hands up to rest on his face.
“I'm sorry.” He told me in between my kisses, “For everything. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be.” I told him, and once I had pulled away from him, I found that I was shaking my head. “You had every right to be upset. Lying to you was wrong of me; I can see how doing so led you to believe that I was hiding something.”
“You did lie to me, but you had reason to lie. You kept it a secret because you know me. You know how I get...” He lowered his voice to a volume so low that I had to read his lips to understand what he was trying to say.
With a slight laugh, I kissed him again and entwined my fingers with his.
“I know, and...” I lowered my own voice to mock him, “…envy does not suit you. It contorts your handsome face into an expression of violently green discontent.”
His laugh was boisterous, and I immediately shushed him, but Adam had jolted awake, thinking that something was amiss. When he saw us lying there together, his expression soured, but only briefly. Instantly, shame took hold of me, and I wanted to tell James to return to his chair beside my bed, but I did not. Even though I did not want to upset Adam by displaying my reestablished attachment to James, I let James stay beside me and held him tighter when he went to release me.
“Never fear.” Adam told me softly, and since James did not respond, I realized that he had spoken to me using a direct link to my mind that my power opened up. “I understand.”
“How are you feeling?” He said out loud, but his voice was very gentle.
“I am alright. Already starting to feel like myself again.”
“You are starting to look like yourself, as well. Radiant as always.” Adam said, and I knew that he was just trying to irritate James, so I did not respond. Because I was silent, he continued. “Are you in any pain?”
“No.” I said, “Thanks to you two. I know that both of you removed the poison.”
“Yes. Brynna...” Adam knelt on the other side of my bed and gently grasped my chin so he could raise my head. For what he wanted to ask me, I needed to be looking into his eyes. “You showed me something. Do you remember what that was?”
My heart dropped, and I looked between the two of them with desperation clawing its way to the surface of my consciousness. Tears formed in my eyes, and I blinked them away furiously, determined now that I was well to take up my old policy once again of never showing emotions.
“I know that you wish to tell me, but that you are afraid of what I will do. But if it was him...” Adam's frighteningly intense green eyes bore into James's burning brown ones, “I will find out, and he will suffer for it. I do not care what transpired between the two of you. Every person, from my Orb and from yours, is fully aware by now that the forest holds many great and terrible dangers. You have now had the great misfortune to witness them, and that is because someone pushed you over the ash circle. If that man was him, I can only assume that he knew the trebestia would be waiting for you there. If that is so, then he has made an attempt on your life.”
“Right, it was me.” James
replied in a shaking voice. “It was me, and now, she's forgiven me for trying to kill her, and that's why I'm right here beside...”
“It was not James, Adam.” I told him. “Of course not! He could never do such a terrible thing. Not to me. Not knowingly.”
“Of course not, baby.” James said, and he kissed my cheek. “As long as you know that, I don't care what he thinks.”
“Who else would want to see you suffer, Brynna? Tell me the name of the person who pushed you into the trees.”
My head spun, and for the first time in my life, I prayed that my mind would lose itself in the vast black space of unconsciousness. I did not want to answer the question. There would be no stopping either of them once they knew the identity of my attacker. Though I was furious, I did not want harm to befall the person simply because the harm would be too great to imagine. They had witnessed every moment of my suffering. For two days, they had watched me writhe and wail in pain, all while expecting me to succumb to the creatures' venom that was burning me alive from the inside out.
“I can't...” I whispered, and those pesky tears welled up again. “I just do not want to face it. I do not want you two to be so angry and to do something that will shake up the foundation we have begun to build here. If you two murder one of our people, everything will be ruined, don't you understand? This is bigger than my well-being. This is bigger than protecting me. You two must leave this person alone.”
“If that is what you want, I will. But I need to know who it was, Brynna.” James prodded me gently. “I need you to tell me who it was and why they did it, though I have a pretty good idea.”
“Well by all means, share it with us.” Adam instructed as he sat back in his chair.
“It was Don.”
Adam actually laughed out loud, and James scowled at him.
“Well, by all means,” James said, mocking him, “Voice your objection to that, whatever it may be.”
“Oh, my God or Gods, will you two stop aggravating each other!?” I threw myself up into a sitting position, and immediately, the room began to spin. With a groan, I started to fall backwards, only to feel both of their arms behind me, catching me and cradling me. After several long moments, during which Adam kept me sitting up so James could help me drink some delightfully cold water, they were silent and no longer scowling at one another, as they were both looking at me with concerned eyes.
“I am fine. And it was not Don.”
“Of course it was not.” Adam replied, and I could hear an air of triumph in his voice. “Don would not dare raise a hand to you, let alone make a blatant attempt on your life. He knows that if he were to do that, not only would he lose my assistance in this war, but he would also lose his life. Though his desires are despicable to say the least, and his ways of conducting his people unconventional, he is a smart man. Moreover, he is a living being just like the rest of us; he values the life that was given to him by the one God. He will preserve it any way he can, and if he harmed you in any way, it would be all too easy and all too pleasurable for me to rip that life away from him.”
“Please tell me that you do not speak to Don about me constantly. Please tell me that it was not you who told him to ask for my help.”
“Of course not.” Adam replied, “I do not 'kiss and tell,' as they say.”
James went to lunge forward, but I grabbed his hand.
“That is enough! I do not find this to be flattering in any sense! In fact, I find this to be downright narcissistic on both of your ends. This has nothing to do with me; this has everything to do with the negative feelings you have towards each other! You are making me a pawn in this, and James, you know how such things absolutely thrill me!”
“Baby, I am sick of him thinking that he...”
“I do not care in the slightest what you are sick of… Of what you are sick… Whatever, I also don’t care about the correct syntax of that sentence! Either both of you stop antagonizing one another, or...” I sighed heavily and rubbed my eyes. “I will have neither of you if you do not stop. I can't take it. I'm very tired.”
I had discovered that saying I was physically exhausted protected me from having to say that my emotions had reached their maximum threshold of pressure and the continued application of significant stress would shatter them. As my tired eyes moved slowly between the two of them, drinking in their handsome features like they were capable of restoring the health to my body that had been so violently stolen, my hands grasped theirs. On one side of my body, I felt Adam's coolness; on the other side, I felt James's warmth. Both were equally scintillating. Both were equally beguiling. Both caused my heart to beat just a little faster. Adam had become my friend. There was more to it, as I am sure you have gathered. Much more was there than what I wanted to admit at that time. But James and I had overcome so much together; we had met under harrowing circumstances, only to escape together, to travel worlds together, to experience the end of one life and the beginning of another together. When I pictured my life without him, my heart simply could not bear it. My eyes filled up with tears, and my grip on his hand tightened.
“I never expected you to change your mind, Brynna.” Adam said, and I turned my gaze to him.
Perhaps it would have been easier if he had shown me how very hurt he was by my final decision. Anger would have aided my quest to feel nothing once again even more. Apathy, arrogance, cutting words... Any emotion would have bandaged the pain in my heart. Even his pain would aid my heart's recovery, because it would have reminded me that what we had experienced together, those feelings, were very real. Instead, he merely smiled slightly and squeezed my hand once before letting go.
“Adam, I am sorry.”
“There was never a question, so you have no reason to apologize.” He told me, and his tone was already hardening, returning to that light air of jest that he had used to irritate me in a time that seemed so long ago.
“No, I do. I have to apologize to both of you. This is my fault. I let this get out of hand. While we were lost together, and I was afraid, I let my feelings guide me, and I should have been faithful to you, James, but I couldn't be. Not when I was so afraid, and he was there with me, telling me that we were going to be alright, and obviously, not when I was so angry at you for breaking my trust.”
“I know. Baby, it's natural that you would have relied on him, and as much as I don't like it, it's natural that you would have felt things for him.” James told me, and I knew that he meant what he was saying, though I could sense that there was still great suspicion toward Adam's involvement in my new strong feelings for him.
“Both of you are so very important to me.” I could not say that any louder than a whisper, because my throat had clenched. “Adam, what you and I went through...”
“I know.” He nodded. “But it is over now.” He forced a smile before he leaned down to kiss my forehead. “Make sure that you rest. And do not be a stranger.”
I nodded and grasped his hand for one last second.
“There is nothing for which you need to apologize.” He said firmly as he looked down at me. “Nothing, do you understand?”
I nodded again, but my heart was splitting. Truly, it was. We all say things like that when we are hurting or when we are reflecting back on a time when we were hurt, but the feeling cannot be described any other way. Adam had been by my side while I was counting down the seconds to my death, to the moment when my place in this world of shadows and darkness but also great love and joy would be stolen from me, when a bullet would erase me from an existence that had once been promised to be endless, immortal, irrevocable… Adam had kissed my lips and whispered to me that I was so brave, that he was so proud to be by my side, that he wished to be with no one else... Adam had helped me fight them off; Adam had kept me warm through the nights and listened to my deepest thoughts, to my most painful memories that I had shared so tentatively, so reluctantly... but that I had shared. In all the darkest moments of our time together in the forest, he had been ri
ght beside me, relying on me, and I had been relying on him, too, even if I had not wanted to admit it. How could I not feel such great affection for him? How could I not wallow in the pain of his leaving? He would still be around, of course. I could still see him, but we had both thought... we had both wondered... What if?
When he left, I wrapped James's arms around me, knowing that a part of him felt great triumph in my rejection of Adam because it meant that I had chosen him. For the last time, I had chosen him. And I had, truly. My love for James was unexplainable and unstoppable, as irreversible as the immortal life that had been gifted to me, that immortal life that had been preserved by the man I had just sent away.
The complications of it all were resounding. They dropped small weights of unimaginable heaviness onto my eyelids and sent voices whispering in my ears that it was time to sleep, to forget.
“I love you.” I told James, “But this is hard for me. That was hard for me. James, a few hours after the city exploded, we ran into my father, Paul, Rich, and a few of their people. I had gotten one of their guns, and I was pointing it at them, but they were begging me not to kill them, so I hesitated. The one time I hesitated… And because I hesitated, Paul was able to come up behind me and take the gun...”
And so I told him. I left no stone unturned, as they say. As much as I wanted to skim over the part with the man who had almost assaulted me in the worst way, I did not. James's jaw clenched so tightly during that part of my tale that I feared his molars would crack. But he did not stand up and begin to pace. He did not immediately begin making threats. His hands stayed locked around mine, and when I paused, he urged me very gently to continue.
“And that's why I feel so strongly for him, because I grew to rely on him. He took care of me, and I took care of him. I do not love him the way I love you, James. But I do love him. That is strange for me to say, considering my aversion to declarations like that and to feeling that way, at all. It is strange because less than a month ago, I hated him. But even though it is strange, it is the truth.”
He moved so he was sitting, facing me, on the bed. Both of his hands rested on either side of my neck lightly, his fingers pressed gently into my cheeks as his lips swept over mine slowly, for several long moments. I wrapped my arms around his back so I could run my hands up over his shoulders and back down again, feeling his muscles that my touch had come to know completely.
After he had pulled away, his hands came up to rest on both my cheeks, and he looked at me sadly.
“I'm sorry.” He said softly, delicately. “I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I'm glad he was there.”
“Do not be sorry.” I told him with a slight shake of my head. “We just have to move on from this. From all of it. And I don't care about last night. I don't care about the things you said, or what transpired.”
“Brynn, I have to...”
“No.” I insisted firmly. “I truly do not care, James. I just want to move on. Everything I saw... everything that's happened... I want to stop looking back. I want to let it go.”
“Me too. So what's stopping us?”
“I don't know.” I actually laughed slightly. “Nothing now, I suppose.”
“You're right. Things are going to be different now. I promise, Brynn. I am going to get my anger under control, and I'm going to stop being so jealous. How long have I been being a prick to you? How many days?”
“Oh, goodness…” I sighed heavily and looked up softly, “Approximately three hundred and ninety, give or take a few…”
He laughed hysterically and kissed me hard.
“Fine, smart-ass, then I have to spend the next three hundred and ninety years making it up to you.”
“Years?” I asked.
“Years. I'll do the dishes every night. I'll skin the deer and rabbits that we get. I'll work on my cooking skills so the nights that I cook aren’t the worst nights of the week like they have been. I’ll learn to braid Penny’s hair.”
“Oh, my stars.” I grimaced in mock horror. “Let's not get carried away.”
We both laughed again.
“Yeah, maybe not that. This conversation is totally new for me, by the way.”
“How so?”
“Normally, I'm not the one who needs to change.”
“Well, you're not the only one in this case. I have to work on some things, too.”
“Yeah. Like not scaring your boyfriend nearly to death, because he is up there in years and is therefore more likely to suffer heart problems. That's a good place to start.”
“I apologize, baby. Please, do not suffer heart problems on my account. I am already turning your hair gray.” I ran my hand over his head where a small patch of gray had formed just at his hairline close to his ear.
“Oh, God, don't remind me. I always said I wouldn't dye my hair, but now that I don't have that option…”
“James Maxwell, if you were to dye your hair, I would promptly break up with you!” I exclaimed, laughing hysterically.
“I'm sorry, madam, do you want to walk around with an old geezer when you're in the prime of your life?”
“I already do, darling.”
He was genuinely shocked at that, and I laughed so uproariously that I earned us several dirty looks from two Pangaean doctors who passed by the door of my room.
“That was... I have to start watching my step now that you're well again. I walked right into that. Shit.”
“You totally did! You know I'm just kidding. Despite your age, you are ridiculously attractive, and though I do not think that your hair will go gray since your aging has stopped, I would not be terribly offended if it did. I would still find you to be erotically stimulating.”
“Erotically stimulating...” He repeated with a particularly ridiculous, proud grin and with a look off in the distance. “I like that. If I had business cards, it would go right under my name.”
“Yes, I am sure that it would.” I replied with a roll of my eyes.
He kissed me again gently, and my arms wrapped around his neck tightly. I pulled him so he was over top of me and kissed him a little harder.
“I want to go home.” I whispered as his lips moved over to my cheek, then up to my forehead, and then down to my other cheek. “Take me home, James.”
He smiled and kissed me again.
“I think they want to keep you here.”
“I am perfectly well and therefore have no reason to stay in an infirmary, which is for people who are decidedly unwell.”
“Oh, Lord, the long sentences are back. Normally, I take that as a sign that you're feeling alright, but this time, I don't know. Baby, we don't even know what those things are, and it's not a good idea for you to leave until the doctors say it’s okay...”
One of my signature frowns made him stop objecting.
“Do not mistake my injuries as being so painful or life-threatening that I will not hurt you if you do not call that doctor in here so I can assure him that home is where I need to be, James Maxwell.”
“Do not assume that I will let you leave here if your injuries worry the doctor, and as a result of his worry, he wants to keep you here for further observation, Brynna Olivier.”
“Did you just sass me back?”
“You bet your ass I did!” He replied with another far too proud grin. “Not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, is it, my love?”
I smiled and pulled him down to me so I could kiss him again.
“It is not. However, if you want to have a different kind of fun later, I recommend that you convince that doctor to let me go home.”
He looked down at me for a long second, and I smiled up at him.
“Doctor!”
“You dog!”
“I'm just kidding.” His brows wrinkled, and he deepened his voice when he added, “Or am I?”
After another round of laughter, I rolled my eyes again.
“Shut up, James.”