by T. Rudacille
***
When I showed up for “work” at the “town hall” building in the middle of town, Don quickly began to offer his condolences about mine and James’s break-up.
“Don…” I murmured as my eyes skimmed over the paper he had handed me. “While I appreciate your sympathy, it is unnecessary. Please, let us not mix business-business with personal business.”
“Of course.” He replied, “But did you sleep last night like, at all?
I grimaced at him over my shoulder.
“Don.” I murmured with very lackluster disapproval.
We walked into the meeting room. The leading group of our astute leaders consisted of Don, Adam, Janna, and myself. We ruled over about fifty Pangaeans and Eartheans appointed by Don and Adam. I was supposed to be choosing people whom I thought could represent our massive population well. Instead, I had spent the whole night murdering perverted middle-aged men and moping over my lost, not-perverted middle-aged man. I resolved to cease my pre-emotional meltdown before it began. There was simply no time for it, not when our people were beginning to itch for a counter-strike on the Bachums.
Our fifty representatives were silent when I entered the courtroom. Adam was already there, chatting with three of them. Even he stared at me.
“Is there a problem?” I asked them somewhat snippily. Everyone began to murmur like gossiping housewives as they took their seats at several long tables lined up and back in front of our leaders’ table. Adam pulled my chair out for me discreetly, but did so without looking me in the eye, almost as though his polite gesture were an afterthought, a reflex. I could not help but notice that he did not do the same for Janna, and she noticed, as well. The scowl she gave us both nearly elicited a grin from me, and instead of waving cheerfully to her as I wanted to do, I addressed Adam.
“Thank you.” I murmured, and he squeezed my hand under the table but said nothing.
“Oh, Tony?” I called to Tony, who had been the first that I had appointed to a representative position. Over our many months in the kitchen, we had grown closer. In fact, he and his partner were two of my best friends on Pangaea, right up there with Rachel. The only joyous tidbit of news I had been given upon my arrival was that Tony and Tom had gotten engaged, and that single snippet of good news was enough to compensate for the bad news, most certainly.
“Yes, love?” He called back to me.
“I have not had a spare moment to congratulate you, what with my delayed return and my immediate injury. I know you and Tom came by to see me several times while I was in the infirmary, and I was completely out of it…”
“I could feel your congratulations, Brynn.” He told me, and I smiled.
Thank God for Tony, Tom, and their upcoming nuptials, because they were the only other talk of the town besides mine and James’s breakup and Rene’s violent death. Later, I would hear from Alice and Violet that they heard murmurs in town all day that followed this progression:
“Did you hear about Rene? Who could kill him, especially like that? He was such a great guy! So tragic!”
“Did you hear Brynna and James broke up? Well, who ever thought that would last, honestly?” or “So tragic!”
“Yeah, and Tony and Tom are getting married! The wedding is going to be huge.”
“Well, James and Brynna were allegedly planning on getting married, too. Their wedding wouldn’t have been huge.”
“Yes, and Rene won’t be there because he’s dead. Did you hear he died violently?”
“Yeah, his jaw was ripped off, and his neck was broken, and his throat was torn out. He was such a swell guy, it’s so sad! Tony and Tom’s wedding is going to be huge, though. It will be so much fun.”
People could be so vapid sometimes…
“Wedding’s in a month, everyone’s invited!” He informed the court, to which some people clapped and actually cheered, but everyone either shouted or murmured their congratulations. “Adam’s officiating.”
“You are?” I asked, and my shock was evident. Everyone chuckled.
“Of course I am. Who does not love the privilege of joining a happy couple together in matrimony? That is perhaps the aspect of my reign I hold most dear.” I was gaping at him, completely silent, and everyone chuckled, except for Janna and several Pangaeans who seemed to be firmly on her side.
“Do not look so surprised that I possess such a soft and romantic side.”
“I am surprised.” I whispered jokingly, and everyone laughed again.
“I would actually like to formally welcome Ms. Brynna Olivier and the several other Earthean representatives from the fifteen sectors of the village to our Council. We are all elated to have gained such valuable new additions. Don, no others could suffice. I would like to single out Ms. Olivier for just one more minute, and say that no one else could possibly be your second-in-command. No one else is more perfect for the job. No one else can bring more good to our joint peoples. Don’t you agree, Janna?” He turned to her, and she was visibly stunned for a second. But then, her face broke into a forced grin, and she answered with, “Absolutely. Of course, my darling.”
“Thank you so much, Janna.” I said, and I smiled down at her, “And thank you, Adam. Now can we get back to business, please? I will spontaneously combust if you continue to heap such praise onto me.”
I heard Janna mutter, “Do you promise?” and Adam and I both looked at her. She pretended to cough into her hand.
“What do we have today, ladies and gentlemen?” Adam asked as he sat down, “About what are your sectors concerned? I trust everyone conducted their section meetings last night. Could one representative from each district inform me of the details? How many citizens attended?”
From the testimonies of the fifteen representatives from each section who spoke, the turnout had been high. The question was, had the complaints been high as well?
“Were there any particular concerns?” Janna asked, “I would like to hear from everyone about this. From every section.”
A hand went up in the back, and I sat back, awaiting the Pangaean man to tell us of his section’s biggest complaints. I felt sprightlier already; my headache had cured, and even though it was only my third day of work as Don’s second-in-command, I did not have any “first week jitters,” as they are sometimes called. I remembered briefly hearing my father say that after Lucien died, work was the only thing that brought my mother any comfort. Though I had not lost a child, thank God or the Gods, I still had lost two people very dear to me; Maura was gone forever, and James was gone indefinitely. Being there in the City Hall was perhaps the most effective therapy imaginable.
“Well, a couple of people in my section are concerned about the new tax.” Jerome, an Earthean man from the section next to mine, said, “I’ve been talking to other people here, and a lot of people are really concerned about it.”
“The tax is a complicated matter, but these are complicated times.” Adam informed him kindly. “Winter is coming, and we must prepare for it. Around these parts, the cold months are absolutely brutal. Is that the truth, Janna?”
“Yes, it is truth.” Janna replied in her trademark cheerfulness, though this time, her tone was tinged with regret. “If you think it would be prudent, Mr. Jerome, we will absolutely address it at the next Open Forum.”
“That would definitely be helpful. Thanks.” Jerome sat down.
“Shilon. Yes, sir.” Janna pointed to a Pangaean man wearing all white in the back.
“I know that many Eartheans in my district are unsure of our methods of appointment to this council. Perhaps we could hold a proper election. Like we used to. Twenty years ago.”
“Elections worked so well twenty years ago.” Another Pangaean man retorted snippily.
“Yes. They did.” The man in all white said, and his gaze fell on Janna.
“Still holding out resentment for your terrible defeat against me, are you, Shilon?” Janna asked.
“No, merely lamenting the very obvious show of
nepotism. Surely, you both are aware that many still feel, how should we say? ‘Perturbed’ by it.”
“This election occurred twenty years ago? You’ve been in power for twenty years?” Don asked Janna.
“Yes. I was named Queen of Shadow Forest when Adam and I were married, but I was also elected Leader.” Janna answered, “This was almost twenty-one years ago now.” She said, somewhat emphatically, and I saw her look at me out of the corner of my eye. I will admit that hearing Adam had been married to her for so long dug further into the wounds left by James. The exact moment when men came to hold such power over my emotional state was unknown by me but it was an unwanted development. Maura had warned me that they were liars and manipulators, and seeing how easily lying and manipulating came to them both was disturbing solely because it demonstrated my tendency to attract and be attracted to liars and manipulators. The only reason why they escaped the full extent of my judgment (and my subsequent rejection of them) was that I was by no means perfect; only the night before I had killed a man, for no other reason than that I felt he did not deserve his life because he was sick. That was how I justified my continued attachment to Adam and James even after they had lied to me; I had lied and manipulated, and I had been lied to and manipulated. It was yet another one of life’s full circles.
Adam sensed my vexation and took my hand under the table. This time, he did not let go. When my gaze burned into his, he looked genuinely pained for a moment. I pulled my hand from his grasp and looked back to the council before they could become aware of this silent exchange between Adam and me.
“The fact that you still hold onto that bitter resentment is most amusing, Shilon.” Adam said to the man in the back, “Surely you are aware that the charge of nepotism is most foolish, considering that Janna was popularly elected.”
“Yes, but perhaps Shilon is right, my dear.” Janna cooed, “So, let us hold a proper election for seats in this council.”
“Of course they will not. Then, the two Eartheans will be voted out by those of us who are natives to this land.” Shilon continued in proud, cynical glee. “Adam and Janna will more than likely be voted out by both. They could not allow such a thing to happen.”
“I think that you underestimate the appeal of our charming personalities, Mr. Shilon.” I informed him. When he looked at me with blazing eyes, I grinned.
“May I interject that those in my district are perfectly happy with the four of them.” Another Pangaean man said, “They are not so accepting of the rest of us. The Eartheans feel that if we were appointed by those in power, we are repeating history.”
“Yes,” I said, “Our governments elected people to high powered positions, to disastrous consequences, of course. My mother, for instance, had a wonderful track record: She appointed seventeen people whom she later charged with fraud, treason, and conspiracy to commit treason when they were found to be trading valuable information about her and her colleagues to The United Kingdom and the People’s Republics of China and Russia. She just…” I actually laughed slightly. “She had a true knack for reading people, I am telling you.”
Several Earthean people laughed, seemingly charmed by the distance I was placing between my mother and myself. Adam was chuckling beside me, and Janna was scowling; she did not like how easily I could gain their good favor.
“See, she gets it.” Tony said in the back. “So, all those people in the districts who have been expressing their doubts that Brynna should be second-in-command to Don can take their doubts… and shove them up their asses.”
“Oh, Tony, you know how to make a girl blush.” I told him with another smile.
“Only you, baby.”
“How many people, just out of curiosity, have been hearing those doubts about me?” I asked, and several hands were raised. “Well, you can be certain that they will be addressed at the next Open Forum. Certainly before any election, that issue will be addressed.”
I could not care less that people were wary of my taking of a leadership role. I would be wary of me, too. They had all seen my father’s cruelty firsthand. They could remember clearly my mother’s stupidity and brashness and belligerence. Surely, I would repeat that bad behavior. Surely, I would bring the same disaster to them.
All I could do to dissuade those doubts about me was to speak my mind freely and assure those few people that they had nothing to fear from me. Only then would they be able to understand that my mother and I were about as similar as God and the devil, though certainly I am not saying that either she or I were Godlike or Satan-like. To classify us as either would be far too simple. It would be a cop out, as they say.
After the meeting ended, I stood up, yawned behind my hand, and began to leave, only to feel Adam grasp my wrist to stop me.
“May I speak with you privately?”
“About what, dare I ask? Has something momentous occurred? And let me tell you, Adam…” I said as I allowed him to lead me into one of the rooms in the back of Town Hall. “Twenty-one years of marriage does count as something momentous. How you could not—Well, my stars…”
Inside of the door through which he had taken me, shelves comprised the walls of the entire semi-circular room. On every shelf, there were books of every shape and size, all in every range of condition, from pristine and seemingly never-opened, to worn from multiple readings. Even all around the door, there were books. Truly, seeing so many books in one place made my heart beat a little faster. I could have spent hours in there, just perusing the titles and mentally comprising an order in which I would read them. I read the first titles that my eyes found, and they ranged from classic to contemporary. In fact, one had been released the year before our exodus. I tried desperately to fight it, because I was very upset with him for lying to me, and I was very upset with James, and I was exhausted, and my pain was returning, but I could not stop the smile from spreading across my lips; all I could do was cover it with my hand.
“I will look away. I know how you loathe to show how you are feeling.”
I laughed softly, for just a second, and then I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to look apathetic.
“I suppose this is your source.”
“It is, indeed.” He told me, as he leaned against the wooden desk. I sat down in one of the plushy leather armchairs in front of him, and at first, we looked at each other, staring hard into each other’s eyes, and then, I lost our unofficial staring competition. The intensity of his gaze had jarred me, partially because I knew he was searching me, trying to gauge the level of my irritation.
“I am fine, if that is what you are going to ask.” I said, as I continued to read the titles of the books all around me.
“That was going to be my primary question.” He said, “You are right as always.”
“Well, I have answered it.”
“Have you answered honestly? I hate to call you a liar, and that is not my intention, but you look as though you have not slept in many days.”
“That is because I have not, but that is no concern of yours. How are things between you and your wife, Adam?”
“They are… difficult, to say the very least. But then, they always have been.”
“You could not have mentioned casually that you were married?”
“I am barely married, Brynna. I thought that was obvious.”
“How could it be obvious when I did not know it before?”
“It is obvious now.”
“That does not account for the hours upon hours we spent together during which I spilled my secrets to you, and you withheld that information from me. I swear, I am starting to think that the reason you and James cannot see eye to eye is because you two are very similar. We do so often dislike those who are like us.”
“I suppose that you do not know if that theory is true or not, considering that there are so few in either world who are like you.”
“Oh, flattery. A skillful diversion, albeit one that is a failure.”
“It is skillful, isn�
�t it? Brynna, I must ask you something that is of a serious nature, and I very much need for you to answer honestly.”
“Yes. I killed him. What are you going to do?” I asked, and briefly, anger flashed over his eyes. I raised my eyebrow, expecting an outburst, but none came. “What are you going to do, Adam?”
“Well, by your own law, I should exile you. Murder means exile, does it not?”
“Yes. It does. So, should I begin packing my things? Should I pack up Penny and Violet?”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” He snapped at me, and he stood up and turned away from me to face the fire that was burning away in the grate. “I would never send you away, Brynna. So, what was it this time? With Donovan, it was that he hurt your Penny. What did Rene do?”
“Did your older son not tell you? The other night, after I had been infected by the trebestia venom, when James was passed out drunk, and Violet was begging him to help me, she was almost assaulted by one of James’s acquaintances.”
“And that acquaintance was this man? I must disagree; he and your former love seemed thick as thieves, as they say.”
“They were. No, he was not the one who tried to assault Violet. But he watched, and he was not drunk. He was not drunk, and he did not stop the acquaintance. Rene has been a presence in her life for this entire year, and throughout that time, he has grown more obsessed with her. He was a threat to her, so I killed him. I ripped out his throat and broke his neck because if I did not kill him, he would continue to lust for her, when it is so sick for him to lust for her. I broke his jaw because of the things he said. And I am not sorry, Adam. So, if you want to throw me in your prison, do it. If you want to exile me, fine. I will go. But I will never be sorry for killing him, and he was a friend of mine two days ago. That crossed my mind, that he was my friend. But after all he said, I didn’t care, because I realized that I never knew who he really was. When I killed him, I was killing a stranger. So, what are you going to do?”
He turned away from the fire, walked to me, and kneeled down in front of my chair. At first, he only stared at me, his alluring green irises swirled with flecks of red. Then, he reached out slowly and placed his hand on my cheek. By its own will, my head tilted so my face was rested in the palm of his hand, and then, my hand came up to cover his.
“You are dangerous, Brynna Olivier.” He whispered, “You are a natural force—so full of devastating, destructive power. If you so choose, you could utterly cripple us all, and I am frightened of you sometimes. Truly, my beauty, you frighten me. I am unable to foretell your actions, for I know your heart minimally, and your mind I know not at all.”
“So what are you going to do?” I asked again, and I do not know what I wanted him to say.
“I am going to protect you. I am going to make sure that this remains hidden. I have many detractors here, and if they knew that I was allowing you to get away with murder, however justified you might have been, they would demand that I exile you, and if I did not, they would surely revolt.”
“And then I would have to leave.”
“No.” He said firmly, “Because I would kill all who demanded your exile.”
“No.” I replied, even more firmly, “You would not, because the law is the law, and I broke it. You cannot make exceptions for me, Adam. If this is brought to the surface, I will leave.”
“You will do no such thing. I will not see you turned away from this place. You will not face all the dangers of my world alone. Were you careful? This will not be as easily covered as Donovan’s death. He was on the brink of death already, and you made it appear as though he had simply breached the divide before the doctors could cure him. But with Rene, you did not hide that it was murder. You did not…”
“What? I did not poison him? I did not find some quiet way to dispose of him? Am I not entitled to my own aggression because I am a woman, Adam? Am I not entitled to my own rage? No, of course I am not. Rage is for men, isn’t it?”
“By the one God, woman, do not even begin this game of wits with me!”
“This is no game of wits. Believe me when I say that this is no game to me. When I kill, I must remain distant from the man or woman I kill. I must do it swiftly, with calculation. We are allegedly the weaker, more emotional of the sexes, but we are only entitled to grief, envy, and maybe spite, but anything else—anything big, anything brash, anything louder than some soft, malicious murmur—is reserved for your kind. Right?”
“You know what I was saying, Brynna. You have spoken all of these words for no other reason than that a part of you is ashamed.”
“I am most certainly not…”
“No, no. You are not speaking to Maxwell now; you are speaking to me. I know you better than you think anyone can know you, Brynna Olivier, and I can see your shame. I can see your worry that you will be discovered as the murderer. Surely, people will search for the man or woman responsible for the murder of such an upstanding and beloved member of our community. There is no mistaking the malicious intent behind this, and Rene had no enemies. Well, people think that now. If they find out that Violet was almost assaulted, and that he witnessed but did not stop it, and that you knew he had not stopped it… We all know your protective nature now. That protective rage.”
“And does that frighten you, too, Adam?”
“No. And do you know why?”
I shook my head.
“It is because I know I will never do anything that would cause you to turn that protective rage on me. Does it frighten you, Brynna?”
“No. Not at all. You think that I feel shame and fear over what I have done, but all I have done is question whether I was entirely justified in the violence of it. Then I hear his words, and I see that look in his eyes, and I know that I gave him only what he deserved.”
“And you are fit to decide what these men deserve?”
“Yes.” I hissed, because I was growing very angry, “And don’t you think you are fit to decide everything?”
“Oh, there is the fire.” He said, circling me and grinning, “There is the indignation. The pride. The spite. There is that shadow.” He stopped walking and stood behind me. After a second of silence, he ran his hands down my arms slowly.
“This is why I am so utterly fascinated by you, Brynna. This is why my heart is consumed with lust for you. You have darkness so far beyond your years, and God, you wield it. Like an expert swordsmen, you slash and strike with perfectly aimed, expertly deployed hits. Now, what can I say to absolve your anger? What can I do?”
“Stop provoking me!” I snapped, but I did not shake off his hands.
“Never! What else?”
I could not help it; I laughed softly.
“There it is.” He said, “We must not allow ourselves to remain angry with one another.”
He turned me to him gently and placed both of his hands on my face. “I will never see you punished in any way for any reason, but certainly not for protecting those you love. I would have done what you did to Rene and worse to those men who harmed you. My beauty…”
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. His lips remained there for a long time, kissing me every few seconds slowly. My hands came up to rest around his wrists lightly, and I closed my eyes, feeling even more exhausted all of a sudden. Briefly, my mind was barraged with images of him lifting me into his huge, strong arms and carrying me back to his house, where we would not even be able to reach his bedroom…
I turned around, feeling nothing, which was a welcome reprieve from all the emotional topsy-turvy of the previous days.
“Certainly not. I have to go home. Penny is just about out of school.”
“Yes. I must pick up Idan, so I will walk with you.”
“Idan, Penny’s friend? Are you his uncle, or a friend of the family? Oh, wait…” I remembered Penny referring to Idan as Janna’s son. “You have another son you never told me about, then.”
“I do.”
“And you did not mention him, even when I was talking about
Penny.”
“I did not.”
We were walking out of the building, watching as Janna was accosted by some angry Pangaeans in the council who were furious at the way she was spoken to by Shilon. We ignored her when we passed, but she most certainly did not ignore us; I can speak for myself at least, when I say that I felt her eyes burning into us even after the door to the town hall building had closed.
“Brynna, we are both very tired.” He told me as we walked slowly through town, waving to those who greeted us with smiles that were genuine, certainly, but hard to force onto our faces. Our exhausted muscles seemed to protest the very slight effort it took to return the cheery expressions of our people.
“I am sorry for all that I withheld from you. I am sure that you are tired of apologies…”
“Oh, you took those words right out of my mouth, Adam.”
“I know. But I mean it genuinely, from the bottom of my heart.”
“I have never understood that expression.” I had withdrawn a cigarette from the pack that had become ever-present in my back pocket. As I struggled to light a match, he watched me. Finally, he took the packet from my hands and struck one up with no effort. Holding it out to me, he watched as I lit it up.
“I see your old vices have returned.” He told me.
“Are you going to protest? Are you going to say that my nicotine habit will sufficiently reduce my lifespan? I will succumb to cancer or some other terrible malady?”
“Of course not.” He said, and he grasped my wrist gently, pulled my hand up, and removed a cigarette from the pack. I lit his cigarette for him, and he grimaced when he inhaled. “By the one God, it has been a very long time since I have smoked Earthean cigarettes. I forgot the taste of poison, and the even worse taste of menthol. But you need not worry about succumbing to this poison, because we are immortal, ageless, and gifted with an unbreakably perfect bill of health from the one God. Have you not heard that? No, I was merely commenting before when I spoke of this vice returning. I do believe that your nerves are shaken.”
“Oh, do you?” I asked as I exhaled smoke. “What could possibly shake my nerves? Could it be the trebestia venom? Could it be that James is gone? Could it be that I have not had a chance to tell you until now how irritated I am that you kept your entire life a secret from me, and do not say that I never asked, and that is why you did not tell me. I did ask. I most certainly did ask.”
“I know you did. I did not tell you because she is a source of stress for me. While I was out there fighting for my life with you, I did not wish to burden either of us with tales of her. Do not allow that lovely smile to fool you. It fooled me in the beginning. In fact, it is what entranced me with her twenty-two years ago. Also, may I remind you that you did not discuss James Maxwell at length with me, so why would I discuss my wife?”
“I did discuss him at length with you.” I looked at him, “You are staying away from him like I asked.”
“Is that a statement or a question?”
“It is both, I suppose.”
We were outside of the school building, where children were running out to greet their parents. Penny and Idan ran to us, grinning brightly, and when Penny’s arms were around me, I realized that I still had the cigarette in my hand. Quickly, I flicked off the ember and tucked the butt into my back pocket, but she was already looking up at me with the most hilarious look of disapproval I had ever seen on anyone’s face.
“Smoking is bad for you! And it makes you smell weird. You always smell good, and now, you smell like smoke. Maura used to say that you smelled like an ashtray all the time, or something. I don’t really know what an ashtray is, but that’s what she used to say.”
“I can imagine that she would say something like that. How was your day, honey?” I asked, cupping her face in both hands.
“It was good. Idan and I answered all the math questions, didn’t we, Idan?”
“We did, Papa!”
He said “papa” in a way that was reminiscent of children from the 1920’s era: there was a lilt on the last “pa.” I nearly laughed, but not because it was funny; I just found the pronunciation so charming.
“Did you?” He asked, as he picked Idan up and placed him on his shoulders.
“Adam, is that really such a good idea…”
“Do not worry yourself, my dear Brynna. I am healed and fit as a fiddle, as your kind say. Aren’t I?” He asked Idan.
“He is! He built me a fort last night and all! Reached up almost to the top of my window to tack in the blanket so I could have a very high ceiling inside my fort!”
“I want a fort!” Penny told me, “Will James make me one?”
I started to stutter over my words when I went to answer, but luckily, Adam swooped in to rescue me.
“Perhaps I will go about building the two of you a fort in the back of our house next. Then, it will not be vulnerable to Mother’s cleaning tendencies, isn’t that right, Idan? Once she comes in with cleanliness on her mind, she acts as a strong hurricane to any standing structure, even the strongest of blanket forts.”
“It is true. She took the sheets down and told the maid to wash them. Then she told Papa that sheets are not for forts. But Papa said…”
“Let us not get into it.”
“Miss Brynna, your hair is very shiny today.” Idan informed me happily. “It is very light, like the sun.”
“Oh, my…” I said.
Adam was laughing more hysterically than I had ever seen him laugh, and soon, I was doing the same.
“What?” Idan asked, “You always say, Papa, to tell girls when they are looking most beautiful. You told Mama last night that Miss Brynna is the—”
“Thank you, Idan.” Adam told him, “You must not divulge these secrets, son! How will anything remain a mystery?”
“I must say thank you, also, Idan.” I said, “Thank you for the compliment.”
“What is a compliment?”
“It is a nice thing that is said to someone. Like what you just said about my hair. Goodness, I cannot doubt who your father is. You two are so similar. The mothers of young girls everywhere are in a fright, I am sure.”
“Tell her. Say, ‘You better believe that to be truth, Brynna Olivier.’ Tell her!” Adam reached up and tickled his stomach, and Idan repeated him through uncontrollable giggles.
“Boys…” Penny murmured, and then, I was laughing even harder.
I had never seen such a light, playful side of Adam before. Seeing someone as a parent is the most attractive thing in the world to some, and the most off-putting to others. Obviously, I found Adam’s close relationship with his son to be the former. I was a sucker, as they say, for men who were good fathers, as my own had been so terrible.
Idan was put down by Adam, and he and Penny scampered off to see what a group of kids were looking at in one of the pens on the farm. Apparently, one of the cows had just had a calf, and the calf was going to take its first steps. I watched as one of the Pangaean farmers explained to the kids what was happening, and then I turned my attention to Adam.
“You could have told me about him. I am surprised that I did not gather he was your son sooner.”
“Yes. The eyes are a dead giveaway, as they say.”
“You are right. Adam, I am not mad at you even though you kept all of this from me. I just know that it is further proof that whatever you and I were doing out there was not right.”
“See? I told you.”
“Really?” I asked, “You are going to follow that up with a gloating statement reminding me of your correct beliefs on the subject?”
He looked at me for a long moment, a playful grin tugging at his mouth.
“Yes. I am”
“Fine. Whatever. So, we are friends, then. Yes?”
Now, he was completely serious. His hand reached out to hold mine again.
“Of course we are friends. By the one God, woman, how can you ask such a question?”
“By the one God, man, I
was just verifying.”
“You will call on me if you need me?” He asked. “I can feel that the wind will be strong tonight. A storm is brewing on the horizon, and I mean that in the literal sense, not in the way you do when you see trouble coming our way. You never know when you might need me to aid you in lighting your cigarettes.”
“I will let you know where I am at. If I need you, I will come get you, but I have a feeling that I will be fine on my own.”
“You are sure?” He asked, and when I looked at him, I saw deep concern in his eyes, which I appreciated deeply but still scoffed at out loud.
“Because I am a woman who is single for all intents and purposes, I cannot take care of myself?”
“Oh, here she goes again…” He murmured.
“Did the spirit of a Bachum just take hold of you? That was downright antifeminist.”
“Well, I do apologize.”
Penny and Idan returned to us, smiling widely and rambling excitedly. They told us that the calf had stood up, which we had gathered from the way the children had all burst into hysterical applause and cheers.
“But when we all cheered, she fell down!” Penny told me, laughing. “But she got right back up again!”
“I think she liked being clapped for, Papa! She knew she could do it!”
Adam kissed my cheek before he left with Idan, but said nothing more except goodbye. I could feel him watching me over my shoulder, but I did not look back.
I was sad about my temporary or not temporary break up with James. But when I had told Adam that I would be alright, I had not been lying.
I missed him, even though I saw him every other day. He would come to pick up Penny, giving me nothing but a soft “Hello, how are you?” upon arriving and a soft “See you later” upon leaving. Penny was always so thrilled to see him; each time there was a knock at the door, she rushed to open it, positively squealing with glee when she saw it was him. He would mimic the sound, and in the kitchen, or my bedroom, or from behind my hand, I would cover my smile.
He and Violet had a long talk on one of the benches that lined the path two weeks after he left. I watched from the window, smoke from my cigarette casting them in a hazy shadow. She was crying after a few minutes, and he was swiping at his eyes, telling her he was sorry as they hugged.
I suppose I could have let him come back, but I just was not ready. Even when Violet gently suggested that I allow him to return, I could not even pretend that I was ready to see him every day, to have him sleeping beside me again, to hear his explanation for all he had done.
There were nights I physically ached for him. That sounds like a confession best suited to a pathetic romance novel pedaled to hormonal housewives, but my body, quite literally, throbbed in longing for him. My palms remembered his palms; my lips remembered his lips. My heart retained a storage of that warm feeling he provoked in me each time any part of our bodies touched, and when the ache for him was at its worst, my heart released just a tiny burst of that warmth, which would then flood through me mercilessly, as though every dam had been breached. What my heart thought would comfort me my mind told me was poisonous; when his warmth fled, I felt colder than I ever had before. It was strange to say after having an aversion to it for so long, but I missed the intimacy of us more than anything. I missed his constancy. I missed talking to him, lying in bed with him at night, hearing him rattling around the kitchen while he made dinner, listening as he and Penny played card games and board games and whatever else they could find, hearing him yell from the shower that he had forgotten a towel, watching him stand in the mirror, shaving, with his brows furrowed very slightly as he concentrated… I pictured all of those things, and I just wanted him to appear from nowhere and hold me. I wanted to be stupid for once and forget his betrayal, to not question him. But I was not stupid, and as terribly as I missed every insignificant little detail of our lives together, I would not forgive him easily like I had before.
Only once before had an opportunity to regain my ability to stand on my own been so easily afforded by fate. That had come when my parents cut me off from them emotionally, and later physically, when they forced me to move out on my own. Rachel had come along very soon after that, and she had certainly been a support to me, but I had still taken care of myself most of the time. This time, the opportunity to stand alone was still tinged with pain, but this time, I knew I could do it.
That did not stop me from eventually reaching over to touch the side of the bed where James had always laid. That did not stop me from eventually rolling over onto his pillow to smell the sweet scent of his shampoo mixed with his cologne. I will admit that when I did both of those things (and I did them every night he was gone) I did cry. Not hysterically, but I did shed tears.
While the lesson that I could stand on my own was not a new one, the acceptance of the fact that I could feel whatever my heart needed to feel during that time was certainly new.
I did not slink into a depression. I did not curl up in a ball and cease to want to live because the man I loved was not with me.
I cried when I had to, but still, I stood on my own.