by T. Rudacille
***
Early the following morning, I was awakened by the feeling of him crawling into bed behind me. Because I was so tired, I did not wake completely so I could demand that he leave. Slowly, almost cautiously, he laid down behind me, sidled up against my back, slipped one hand under my side, and draped the other over me. Gently, he tightened his embrace until I was held against him, and then, he began to plant very light kisses up my arm, over my shoulder, and down my neck slowly.
“Leave, James.” I said, even though the feeling of him being there beside me and the feeling of his lips on my skin felt so good, far better than I expected them to feel when I so angry with him. For the first time in a month, my body felt heavy enough to fall completely, peacefully asleep, and it took no effort to keep my eyes closed and my mind calm. Still, I ordered him to go.
“James, I want you to go.”
“I will.” He said, and he sounded like himself again; that sniveling, pathetic shell of him from the night before was gone now that he had slept and was sober.
“Now, James.”
“Please just let me stay for a minute. Just let me hold you like this for a minute. Please, Brynn.”
I was silent, but I was not annoyed at his insistence on staying. I wanted him to hold me the way he was. I did not want him to let go, and I did not want him to leave. Every part of me begged me to tell him that he could stay. My exhausted mind and body would finally rest fully if he stayed.
“Do you need me to do anything before I go, baby?”
“Don’t call me ‘baby.’ And no. Thank you.”
“Alright. I’ll come by and get Penny later. Is that still okay after how I acted last night?”
“It’s fine. I want you to be in her life, James. She loves you so much. I will not keep her from you unless you give me a reason to, James.”
“Last night wasn’t a reason?”
“Have you ever been that drunk in Penny’s presence?”
“No.”
“Okay, then.”/
“Brynn…” He whispered, and he pressed his lips to my forehead for a long moment, and then moved them down so he could kiss my cheek. “Please let me come home.” He whispered in my ear, “Please.”
How he was able to make me feel guilty for making him leave, I could not possibly know. His banishment from our home was the result of his affair with Janna, and yet suddenly, I was besieged by guilt for making him leave. James was dishonest at the best of times, and now, he was also unfaithful, and yet I was the bad guy, as they say.
“No.” He said, before I could say the same. “It’s alright, baby. I know you need more time. It’s okay.”
“I do need more time.” I opened my eyes and turned over to face him. “I miss you terribly, James, but I need this distance.”
“I know.” He kissed my hand when I grasped his face, “I want you to take all the time you need. I know I screwed up, baby. Last night, and when I slept with her, and when I said all of the things I said after you killed Rene. I keep shooting myself in the foot with you. Every time I think I’m doing right by you, I fuck it up, and I’m sorry. Okay? I’m so sorry for that.”
I nodded and wiped at the tears that were suddenly streaking down my face. He looked away from me, and now that he was sober, he tried to hide that he was becoming overwhelmed by the urge to cry, too. Abruptly, my hand reached out and grasped his chin as I had the night before. Except this time, I did not chastise him for his pathetic display of emotion. Instead, I pulled him towards me so he could rest his forehead against mine.
“You have no idea how badly you hurt me sometimes, James. You think you know, but you don’t. And you promised me once that you would never hurt me, and yet you have hurt me over and over and over again.”
“I know.” He said, and now, he was crying, too, trying so hard to stifle it but unable to. “I know, and I’m so sorry. Brynna, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I told him, and I meant it, “It’s fine, James. I’m strong, so I can handle it. I just need more time to decide if I can ever trust you like I did before all that has happened here of late. I forgive you, but I can’t trust you yet. Okay?”
“Okay.” He said, and he wiped at his eyes. “I just need one more chance, Brynna. If you give me that, I will never make you sorry. I promise.”
“I know.” I sat up and kissed his cheek. “You need to shave.”
He laughed softly.
“And you need to eat more. And you need to get out in the sun.”
He laughed a little harder.
“Anything else?”
“No. Do I need to do anything?”
“No. You’re perfect.”
“Stop.”
“You are.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, James Maxwell.”
“Well, Brynna Olivier…” He kissed my forehead, “I have to try, don’t I?”
Quinn
“Brynn! Brynn! Brynn! Brynn!” Alice exclaimed excitedly as we went running into Brynna’s house. Brynna was in the kitchen, sitting at the table with a steaming cup of coffee sitting in front of her. When she heard us stomping through the living room, I saw her head turn in our direction, and whatever expression had been on her face before was quickly morphed into a look of interest. Something about her expression before its sudden change stuck a pin in my excitement, and I immediately wanted to hug her, even though I know she would have been shocked by the gesture and not necessarily appreciative. Alice did not pick up on the fact that Brynna was sad, even though she was normally the one to notice such things. She was just too excited to take into account that Brynna was sitting alone in the kitchen, staring ahead at nothing, looking lost in her thoughts and sad.
“What is going on, you hooligans?” She asked, and with great effort, she eased herself up out of the chair she was sitting in to greet us.
“Sit back down, and look at this!” Alice gently pushed her back down into her seat and placed a flier in front of her on the table.
“Oh. Yes. Don and Janna insisted that we needed fliers. I said that it is war propaganda that will influence young men to enlist who might otherwise have been uninterested in such things and therefore unsuited to combat, but I was overruled by them and the council, so here we are.”
“Brynn, it’s a great idea! We saw it, and it’s exactly what we want. Well, this one is.” Alice pointed to the bullet under “Enlistment Options” that read “Deep-Cover Agents.”
“This is what we said we wanted to do! If we wanted to do anything, we wanted to go undercover in one of the Old Spirit camps! Or on the Lapsarian! Have you heard about the Lapsarian?! Oh, what am I saying? Of course you have! You talked about it at the last meeting. Did we ever get confirmation that it’s actually real?”
“Yes. Adam sent people out last week to all the nearby ports. They saw it, and there are pictures, and it is as gargantuan as they say. But the existence of a gargantuan prison ship is unimportant. Since when have you two wanted to go undercover in the Old Spirit camp?! More importantly, are you two absolutely out of your minds?!”
“I told you!” I exclaimed, somewhat too excitedly, and Alice rolled her eyes. “I told you! I told you!”
“Please tell me that you told her I would be incredulous at such a stupid idea for a prank. This is a prank, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s not, and he’s saying ‘I told you’—very annoyingly, I might add—because he said there was no way you’d be supportive of this.”
“He was right! They know that you two are close to me! If the Pangaeans knew it when you all first arrived here, then the Old Spirits know.”
“What makes you think the Old Spirits know ‘cuz the Pangaeans here know? Wait, do you really think there are spies here?”
“Yes, but that does not matter either. What they fail to put on their stupid poster is that the Deep Cover Agents will more than likely be the first to go. If there are spies in our camp now, then
they will have most certainly seen these posters that are plastered all over everything to which adhesive will stick.”
“Yeah, I totally saw one stuck on Adam’s statue. Over his face.”
Brynna snorted through her nose, taken suddenly by an uncontrollable fit of laughter.
“Brynna!” Alice exclaimed as she laughed harder.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why that is so funny. I am sorry. Anyway, if the spies have seen the posters, and they report back to the Old Spirits that Deep Cover Agents are being sought after and will soon be arriving, looking for shelter, the Old Spirits will surely kill anyone who comes to them. It is so utterly stupid. People should have been approached individually, if they were truly set on having Deep Cover Agents. But no, we needed fucking posters.”
“Brynna!” Alice exclaimed again, “I have never heard such salty language from you!”
“I do apologize.” She muttered, and she sounded somewhat genuine. “I have been trying to keep all of my vices to a minimum, and my new affinity for swearing is certainly one of my vices.” She lit up a cigarette, took a drag, and then took a drink of her coffee. “Children, please reconsider this cockamamie scheme. You are young, and you are both incredibly gifted, and though you would certainly benefit from and be a benefit to the armed forces, I would much prefer it if you would stick with Security Detail. Alice, aren’t you happy now that you have been switched to Security? Isn’t that enough?”
“No!” She said, “I mean, no offense, Brynn, but we haven’t gotten any orders to do anything but farmwork! And James says that…”
“Allie!” I exclaimed.
“Oh, shit…” She muttered, “Brynn, I’m sorry.”
“No. Do not be sorry. Please, tell me what James said.”
“He didn’t say anything. He was just frustrated. Everyone wants to counterstrike the Bachums because they hit the city. He was just saying that we were stuck doing farm work when we should have been out hunting them down. That’s it. Seriously, Brynn, that’s all he said.”
Her eyes searched mine, and inside of my mind, I could almost feel the fingers of her power picking through my brain. When she decided that I was being truthful, she dropped her gaze to her coffee cup.
“Well, he is brutish and impulsive when he is angry, and he is angry about the city. Many of our people died. I am angry, too, sometimes.”
“Brynn…” Alice reached out across the table and grasped her hand, “You’re not yourself at all. I know you’re still really sick from the venom, and you’re still hurt from when you were out in the woods with Adam. Why don’t you let him come home?”
Her impassive, almost dead stare rose to life, and her body animated like someone had flipped a power switch inside of her. Her eyes widened and turned red, and Alice murmured “oh, shit” under her breath as Brynna opened her mouth.
“Tell him that if he is going to use you two as messengers to beg for my forgiveness and maneuver his way back here then he is even more pathetic than his affair with Janna led me to believe! And that you two would go along with such a scheme, when I was honest with all of you about what he had done…”
“Brynn, he never said anything.” I said, “All he said was the stuff about the farm work. That’s it. He hasn’t said anything to us about what happened. But Allie is right; maybe it would be good for you to have him here, even if you make him sleep in the guest room.”
“I would not let him sleep in the guest room! I would not let him sleep on the couch, or the floor, or the bathtub! Dogs sleep outside, and you can tell him I said that! No, on second thought, do not mention my name to him. I cannot and will not think about him. I see him every other day, and it… it… affects me negatively! I am sorry that I am not as excited as you two are about your possible assignment as Deep Cover Agents slash fodder. I am sorry that my love for both of you prevents me from seeing this as anything but the most stupid of ideas. And I am sorry that I am so snippy! I am just very on edge, and Penny is not here, and I miss her… Anyway, just go run along and be young.”
“Brynn…” Alice said, and there were tears in her eyes as she grasped Brynna’s hand again.
“I don’t want to hear another word of this, right now or ever. Do not repeat any of what just happened to anyone. Please.”
“Of course not, Brynn, but…”
“Go.” She said, not unkindly. “Go be young and normal. I am going to go back to bed until James drops Penny off.”
“But…” Alice started, but I grasped her shoulder to stop her.
“That will be the best thing for you, Brynna. What time is James bringing her back?”
“Mid-afternoon, when the clock starts chiming. Why do you ask?”
“Because we’ll pick her up from James and bring her back here so you can sleep.” Alice told her, reading my mind. “Duh. Silly goose.”
“No, you don’t have to…”
“I don’t want to hear another word of this.” Alice told her, and she rubbed Brynna’s hair as we started to leave. “Go rest or I’ll kick your ass!”
“You could try, and you would probably win, because I am still very sick, so you would be picking on a sick woman!”
“I know I would.”
We closed the door, and Alice sighed heavily, puffing out her cheeks as she exhaled.
“Well, that went badly.”
“I told you she wasn’t going to be supportive.”
“You don’t have to rub it in, asshole.”
“Sure I do. We’re still going to do it, though, right?”
“Duh. We’ll convince her that it’s a good idea eventually. Who else can we tell?”