by Jan Springer
She nodded numbly. Wiped away her tears. Her legs trembled as she walked. Dan curled his arm around her waist and held her snug. She felt better. But she still felt as if she wanted to run. To get away. To go anywhere.
“I’m going to need a paper bag, I’m hyperventilating,” she whispered to Dan as he ushered her off the dock and onto the trail that led to the ranch house.
“JJ! Are you okay?” Brady called out from behind.
She didn’t want Brady to get upset. He’d been through so much. She didn’t want him worrying about her.
“Rafe, keep him in the water for awhile longer. I’m fine.” Her voice shook. There was no way they couldn’t have heard the shakiness, the panic in her voice. They knew she was having an attack.
“Please, tell them to stay in the water. He needs his exercise,” she whispered to Dan.
“They’re doing as you say. Don’t worry,” he replied. He walked her faster. They’d left the outside ranch house lights on when they’d gone down to the lake and the buttery glow spilling out of the windows did nothing to relax her.
Her lips and fingers continued to tingle. Her mind raced with “what ifs”.
What if Brady had died? What if the baby wasn’t going to make it because of all the stress she’d been under lately? What if this anxiety attack never ended?
Once they were in the kitchen, Dan rummaged around in the drawers and found a paper bag. He placed it over her nose and mouth and instructed her to breath. He spoke in low soft whispers in much the same way he talked to a nervous cow about to give birth.
Soon the tingling around her mouth, fingers and hands went away and her anxiety and panic eased. But her heart continued to pound with furious speed. From past experience, she knew the beating would slow soon. She felt exhausted. Shaky. Nervous. Emotional.
“Better?” he asked. He was smiling at her and she needed that right now. Needed reassurance. For someone to tell her everything was going to be okay.
“Any idea what brought this on?” he asked.
She nodded, feeling the emotions rage up again. Helplessness. Fear. The horror of possibly losing Brady.
Suddenly she was telling Dan everything. To her surprise she even blurted her secret worry about something going wrong with the baby.
What if something happened to the baby? If she couldn’t fly the plane, they couldn’t get to the hospital in time? What if something happened to one of them? She didn’t want to lose any of them.
“You’re not going to lose us and the baby is fine.” Brady’s stern voice echoed from behind her.
Oh damn! He hadn’t stayed out in the lake.
She was going to screw up his therapy. Another round of hot tears bubbled into her eyes as she saw him hobble toward her.
“Come here,” Brady whispered. Tears were in his eyes too.
She walked over to him and he gathered her into his arms. His strength and his warmth poured into her as he held her.
“We’re all okay, here. JJ. All of us. We’ve got Paul the vet who has emergency training. We’ve got you and the plane for emergencies. You guys all saved my life. We’re all a well-oiled machine out here in the wilderness.”
“And Paul told me that Daegen knows how to fly too,” Rafe added.
Daegen. Of course. The other man who’d been in the canoe.
“So, we’re all set. You don’t need to worry,” Dan said.
“What JJ needs is a heavy-duty vacation. Somewhere where she can relax away from us. Some place she can have massages and get her nails polished and do stuff ladies like to do. Maybe a trip to the Bahamas or something,” Rafe said from nearby.
Fury burst through JJ. Not that she didn’t want to go to the Bahamas, but because they didn’t seem to realize how important they were to her.
She tried to struggle out of Brady’s embrace, but he held her tight.
“What I need is my men. You guys are my life. You are my vacation,” JJ blubbered and pressed her face against his Brady’s warm chest. How could they even think of sending her away?
He held her tighter and then she realized he was shaking.
Oh my gosh, she’d upset him?
In a flash, she tore herself from his grasp and looked up at Brady. He wasn’t crying! He was laughing!
“You are one feisty woman, sweetness,” he soothed. He brushed his thumbs along her cheeks wiping away her tears. His eyes twinkled with amusement.
She smacked him on his shoulder.
Rafe and Dan started to laugh too.
My damn fool awesome men.
“What in the world are you laughing at? Maybe I should go away and then you will appreciate me more,” she teased.
The men sobered. Uh huh, they didn’t really want her to go away, did they?
She was starting to feel better. Mentally she began to change her way of thinking just as she’d been practicing to do over the winter. She had to turn her negative thinking to positive thinking because she didn’t want to be stuck feeling anxious at every little thing that went wrong.
What she’d just had was a setback. Setbacks happened when someone was learning something new. She needed to remember that. Just because she’d had an attack, it didn’t mean her anxiety and panic attacks were coming back. She had to stay in that mode of positive thinking. Had to get rid of the “what if this happens” and “what if that happens” thinking.
Yeah, easier said than done.
“So, what you’re saying is…” Brady grinned as he let his sentence trail.
“What she’s saying is we need to find other ways for her to destress,” Rafe said with a softness that captured JJ’s entire attention.
“Yes, I need to be distracted,” she purred with agreement. Boy, they sure did have the right idea.
She hadn’t had sex since Brady’s illness. She’d been so worried and pre-occupied with keeping him healthy, she hadn’t had those naughty cravings. But suddenly those urges were blossoming to life.
“I think we can arrange numerous distractions, sweetheart,” Dan said with a wink. “But not tonight. Tonight, you need to relax and have a good night sleep. Then we can talk more in the morning.”
“But—”
“No, buts, beautiful,” Brady said as he pressed a finger to her mouth. She resisted the urge to lick.
“Come on now, off with you,” Rafe said as he grabbed her by her shoulders from behind and steered her to the bottom of the stairs.
“Good night,” she said as he let her go.
She smiled at the chorus of good nights that followed her up the stairs. Despite just having had a nasty panic attack, she got the feeling she was going to have a good night sleep.
She was absolutely exhausted!
Chapter Seven
The next few weeks flew by as Brady settled into a routine of helping JJ and assisting the guys with the chores wherever possible. His brother, Mitch and one of his partners, Paul the vet, came over a few times to lend a hand and Brady was grateful. But it irked him that his legs were taking so long to get back to how he knew they should be. He could walk but his legs were stiff and a bit painful.
JJ’s abdomen was getting bigger and with regular checkups the doctor said the baby was growing nicely. JJ looked absolutely ravishing. Her cheeks were pink and full and she ate like a horse. She’d put on pounds, and she really looked quite lovely with the added weight.
He was an emotional wreck. Torn between wondering how their little baby would look to praying the kid was healthy to what in the world had he been thinking getting JJ pregnant?
To top it off, he was still nervous when he watched JJ take off in the float plane which she’d been doing every morning after breakfast. It was her “morning walk” she said. Flying made her feel free and she loved practicing her takeoffs and landing on the water. Every time she left his sight in that white plane, an inner nervousness took hold and it vanished the instant she came home an hour or so later.
This morning she hadn’t gone out because she’d readied up the house. This afternoon their new helper, whom they had hired on a temporary basis through Cowboys Online, would be flying in with a pilot from North Country Air.
Jenna had called last week and confirmed that Milena Allen, JJ’s old cell-mate qualified for a temporary two-week leave from the penitentiary. But she would have to return there once her work assignment here was complete. Once Jenna could find a permanent assignment for Milena then she would get parole just like JJ had.
Brady still wasn’t sure he liked the idea of having an inexperienced woman look after the ranch while they were away, but JJ had insisted Milena was reliable. He just wished he could have as much confidence in this stranger as she did. The two women had been conversing through email and phone calls getting to know one another again. JJ had also brought her up to speed as to what was required while they were away building the cabin.
Dan and Rafe had been out all day haying and were expected back tonight for supper. The hired lady hadn’t even come yet and he already couldn’t wait to get away with JJ and the guys. Although they would be roughing it by living in a tent until the floor and roof were on the building, the trip was kind of a vacation away from the normal everyday running of things.
As he stood on the back steps of the mudroom Brady tensed when he heard the distinct drone of a far off airplane engine. At that moment, JJ came rushing out the back door and stepped carefully down the steps.
She was in her second trimester now and damned if she didn’t have the slightest waddle when she walked. Maybe it was his imagination, but he didn’t think so.
She’d been overly excited about Milena’s arrival and now that the time had finally arrived, she looked harried yet beautiful. Her hands were knotted together and she was nodding as if telling herself everything was going to be okay.
“She’s here. Oh, my goodness, she’s finally here,” JJ whispered as she looked toward the south end of the lake where the sound of the plane came from.
Brady followed her gaze and sure enough, a float plane was flying in low over the treetops across the lake. As the plane angled down toward the lake, he noted the blue color and knew it was Blue who was bringing in Milena.
“I can’t believe she is actually here,” JJ gasped as she stared.
Brady expected that they’d start down to the dock to meet the plane but as he stepped forward, she just stood there, shaking her head. Her eyes were wide and frantic and she held her sweetly rounded belly with her hands, as if she were trying to comfort their baby. She looked like she might be having another anxiety attack. Or was something wrong with the baby?
Panic rushed through him. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know what to say to her? I haven’t seen her in so long. She was such a life saver for me that one year we knew each other. I just don’t know what to say.”
Brady relaxed. That’s all? Man, he needed to chill. This expectant father business was really stressful.
He held out his hand to her and smiled. She was so cute when she was flustered.
“You can start by saying hi, how are you doing? Glad you came.”
JJ nodded jerkily, reached out and grabbed his hand. He squeezed her fingers with reassurance.
“Yeah, okay. I can do that. I can do that.”
I can’t do this. What in the world was I thinking getting Melina to come all the way out here to the middle of nowhere? What if she doesn’t like it here? What if she is afraid of being alone? Why hadn’t I asked here all these questions before making her come here?
JJ felt as if her head was going to bust with all these questions as Brady pulled her along the trail. He commented on how the day had turned out pretty nice considering the nasty thunderstorm they’d had again last night. But she really hadn’t noticed the storm. It had been Dan’s turn to spend the night with her and she’d lain snug and cozy in his strong arms, feeling so safe, while the lightning had flickered wildly at his bedroom windows and the thunder had made the bed tremble.
White steam uncurled through the air as the sunshine hit the dirt path. Silver sparkles glinted off the white-capped waves and JJ swore if she wasn’t so nervous she would have loved the picturesque view of the big blue float plane delicately landing on the lake. Any other time she would be happy to see Blue and ask questions about Blue’s twenty-month-old baby girl, but today was very different. She was a nervous wreck.
She had quite a bit riding on Milena. The guys had put their faith in JJ and her recommendation of Milena being reliable. What if something went wrong? What if prison had changed her since they’d been together? What if she accidentally burned down the ranch? What if she decided to walk out of here and escape?
Stop the negative shit, JJ! You’ve chatted with her every day for weeks on the phone!
JJ’s heart picked up speed as she spied the familiar tall woman stepping off the pontoon of the float plane that had just docked. It had been years since she’d seen her. Too many years.
When Milena raised her head and spied JJ, she held open her arms.
“Jennifer Jane!” Milena shouted out to her.
Oh, my goodness! She’d forgotten how sweet Milena’s voice sounded. Like music. Happy music. And suddenly it was as if they had never been apart.
JJ wasted no time running down the length of the dock and into her old friend’s embrace.
Unexpected tears and emotions welled up as Milena wrapped her arms around JJ and hugged her so tight that she could barely breathe. But it was a wonderful hug that dissolved all doubts.
Milena was perfect for this job.
After a long, peaceful minute, JJ pulled away. Neither said a word as they stared at each other.
Milena hadn’t changed much. Her hair was still a plain brown, straight and shoulder length with bangs. There were tiny wrinkles at the sides of her smiling mouth where there hadn’t been any before. Miniature wrinkles etched the edges of her dark brown eyes, but those eyes still twinkled with a genuine friendliness that had always drawn JJ toward the woman.
“My Lord, you look so beautiful. Pioneer life agrees with you,” Milena whispered.
“I love it here, beats bars.”
They both laughed and Milena’s gaze drew to JJ’s baby bump.
“Wow, so now you are going to have a baby,” Milena said.
“Almost there.”
“Hey, ladies. Make way for Milena’s luggage,” Blue called out as she appeared at the door of the plane with one small suitcase.
“Hi Blue. I’ll take it,” JJ reached out but Milena pushed her arm aside, stepping forward to take the suitcase.
“No, you can’t, Jennifer Jane. You’re pregnant.”
“I’m pregnant, not an invalid. Gosh, you sound just like the guys,” JJ huffed.
Milena smiled warmly and Blue laughed.
“I want to meet these guys, but first, give me another hug. You seem stressed.”
JJ shook her head as Milena embraced her again. Wow, she’d forgotten how easily Milena had always been able to read her and calm her down.
“Sorry I can’t stay, ladies. I’ve got another delivery to make. Have a nice visit. See you in a couple of weeks,” Blue interjected from behind them.
“Thank you so much for bringing Milena out here. I really appreciate it,” JJ said. “Give your baby a hug from me, will you?”
“And from me too!” Milena added.
“Will do.” Blue smiled, waved and then slammed the door shut. Several moments later, the plane’s pontoons were slapping against the rough water as Blue’s plane streaked across the lake. Seconds later, the plane was airborne, then drifted over the treeline and then everything went silent again.
“Wow, I cannot believe I’m really here. I’ve seen places like this on the Net and never thought I would ever get to see it live. And the air smells so fresh,” Milena whispered.
JJ nodded. She still remembered when she had first sho
wn up here on the ranch. The lake had been frozen back then. Everything had been covered in snow, but the air had been as crisp and clean just as it was now.
“And you freaking fly a plane too. It looks really nice, JJ. I am so proud of you for all your accomplishments.”
Milena gave JJ another hug.
“The first hug I gave you was the goodbye hug I got ripped off when they took me out of there without even saying goodbye to you. Man, I am so sorry about that. I cannot give you enough apology hugs. But this bear hug is the oh my gosh I am so happy to see you hug.”
JJ laughed as Milena squeezed JJ tighter and pure happiness melted through her.
When Milena let her go, JJ was once again able to breathe.
“I am so glad you are here. I hope you are hungry because I have a feast whipped up for you. So, tell me. I want to hear everything that you’ve been up to.”
Milena frowned and shrugged. “Not much. I am still officially a prisoner. Just on loan to you here. But I want to thank you for giving me this awesome vacation. And over dinner I can tell you about all those courses I have been taking over the years.”
“Great. Come on, I want you to meet the baby’s father, Brady.”
“That him?” Milena nodded toward Brady who stood at the end of the dock waiting for them.
“That’s him,” JJ replied as she gazed at her man.
He was so handsome wearing a black T-shirt and his jeans. JJ loved the way the sunlight played with the golden highlights in his brown wavy hair.
“Very nice-looking man. You two make a cute couple.”
“I only go after the best,” JJ teased.
“Is he good to you, JJ?” Milena asked softly.
“He is. He makes me feel so safe and loved. I never knew something like this could even exist.”
Milena chuckled and then intertwined her arm with JJ’s and tugged her along to where they stopped in front of Brady.
JJ made the introductions and loved the way the two smiled at each other. She knew instinctively they would get along.
“I can take your suitcase up to the house,” Brady offered. But once again Milena declined.