“I fed his critters.”
“Thanks.” Gordon laid his cheek on Nora’s hair. “Come on, honey, I’ll make the coffee.”
“What happened to the decorations?” Christi stared at the stair railing and the fragments of garland on each step.
Nora dried her eyes on the edge of her robe. “I burned them last night.” She could see the scratched streaks on the oak finish from the wire being ripped away. What had possessed her? “What a mess.”
“Wow, Mom.”
“We can fix that. Don’t worry about it.” Gordon stood and reached for his wife’s hand.
Nora let him pull her up, but all she wanted was to go back to bed. The crick in her neck wouldn’t let go even with stretches, and a headache was starting behind her eyes. She glanced up at her husband, reading his concern and his own pain in his eyes. He’d said he needed her. The least she could do was help with breakfast. She reached for Christi’s hand and the three of them padded down the stairs behind Betsy.
Later, after toast and coffee, Nora stared at her Bible, journal and devotional book waiting for her on the shelf by the bay window. Would it help to write this all down, or would it make it worse? At least for the moment, her eyes were dry. Gordon had chosen to listen to messages and make notes. She knew she had to call Susan back, but could she talk without descending into the pit again? Journal or Susan? Both promised more tears. Just the thought of tears made her eyes burn again and her throat start to clog. Call Susan and tell her you can’t talk yet, but you will call her again, tomorrow.
She would, when Gordon got off the phone. He’d started the fire again; looking at the mantel made her flinch. She’d never dreamed she was capable of such destruction. But then, she’d never dreamed she’d lose her son either. With all Gordon’s traveling, she’d tried to prepare herself if something had happened to him. After all, planes did go down, terrorists did set off bombs, cars did crash. And he’d been late and not phoned.
He hung up the phone and, closing his eyes, rolled his head around to loosen his neck muscles. Sleeping in the chair last night hadn’t done much for him either.
“Gordon, why didn’t you call?”
“Huh?” He blinked at her. “When?”
“From Germany.”
“My cell went on the blink. I’d dropped it earlier and it worked for a bit, then quit. I was running late or I’d have called from the airport.” His expression suggested, What difference does it make?
“Oh.” She knew better than to let her imagination run away with her. There would always be a plausible explanation for anything Gordon did. She knew that.
“You were worried.”
She shook her head, jerky little motions that only built tension, didn’t release it. “You know how I get.”
“Sorry. I was so intent on getting on that plane that I would have run over anyone who got in my way.”
They have phones on the planes these days. But she didn’t say that either. He hadn’t seen this as an emergency. Why did she let her mind take over like that?
“I’m sorry, Nora, so very sorry.”
She knew he was referring to more than not calling. “Sorry.” What a sorry word. Instead of trying to talk around the lump building in her throat again, she just nodded. “I’m going to call Susan and then go take a shower. What time is Luke coming?”
“Ten thirty or so.”
She glanced at her wrist, but hadn’t put her watch on. The clock said nine. This promised to be a long day. If only she could sleep most of it away. Without the nightmares. By the time she climbed the stairs again, she had to lean against the wall. How could she be so tired? She’d always prided herself on keeping in good shape, one of the reasons she chose speed-walking for the warmer months and cross-country skiing as soon as the snow fell. The thought of putting on her gear made her choke. She peeled herself off the wall and entered her bedroom. But instead of turning left into the bathroom, she crossed to the king-sized bed and crawled under the covers. Even fifteen minutes of sleep would help.
Seemingly seconds later, she felt a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her.
“Nora, Luke is here.”
Fighting to open her eyes, Nora shook her head. Every bone and muscle in her body ached. She rolled over with a groan. “I can’t face him looking like this.” She hoped he’d take pity on her and leave her alone. But he stood there looking at her. “All right, give me ten minutes.” She pulled herself from the haven of mindlessness and staggered to the bathroom, shucking her clothes while the shower warmed.
True to her word, she walked down the stairs fifteen minutes later, her hair not fully dried but pulled back in a clip. There had been no time for makeup, but at least she was clean; and navy cords with a cream cable-knit sweater were better than her sweats. She found the others in the family room, sipping mugs of spiced apple cider and playing social chitchat. At least Gordon and Luke were. Christi was curled in one of the overstuffed chairs, hiding behind her hair and the steaming mug. When they saw her, Luke rose and came to give her a hug.
“You’re getting through,” he said softly, searching her face.
“Not very well.” If only he weren’t so nice.
“This isn’t a contest, there are no judges. We’ll get through these next days by the grace of God, like we do every day.” His gentle voice made her eyes burn again.
“Right.” The word had to squeeze past the boulder that had resumed lodging in her throat.
She shook her head when Gordon raised his mug. “Nothing now, thank you.” More strangled words, but they had some semblance of normalcy. Taking the remaining chair, she clenched her fingers together to keep them from shaking.
As Gordon listed the order of the service and the get-together afterward, which the women were hosting at the church, Nora felt she had stepped out of herself to watch the proceedings from up in a corner. She’d heard of detachment before, but if this was that, it caught her by surprise. Instead of participating, she was just watching. Strange.
“Do you have any questions?” Luke asked.
Gordon sat with his hand against his forehead, shielding his face. His whole body looked shrunken in on itself. He shook his head. “I got a call a bit ago. The cremation is finished. We can pick up the ashes tomorrow.”
Nora stared at her husband. Why hadn’t he told her? “Because you were sleeping and he was kind enough not to wake you,” the judgmental voice challenged. No longer off in the corner, sorrow hit her like the water surge of a hurricane, tumbling her over and over, then sucking her under.
Betsy nosed her clenched hands, so Nora petted the dog, trying to focus on short yellow fur and not a container of ashes—all that was left of her son.
Just get through. Please, God, just get us through this, that’s all I ask right now. The insidious little voice snickered and changed to a new question: “Why bother when He didn’t answer you when you prayed for Charlie to get better?” Nora gritted her teeth.
Chapter Eighteen
Jenna
Thirty-six hours and no signs of rejection, other than a slightly elevated temperature, which Jenna knew was often the case after major surgery. Still, she found herself watching the monitors while Heather slept.
“How’s she doing?” Randy stopped at the foot of the bed and spoke softly.
“Good.” Jenna passed on the latest information.
Continuing around to Jenna’s side, Randy nudged her shoulder with his. “I thought we were going to have breakfast together.”
“I left you a message. I woke up at five and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I came over here.”
“Did you eat?”
She shook her head. “I wasn’t hungry then.” Her stomach growled at this; she blushed, Randy laughed.
“I can stay here while you go eat, or I can go get you something.”
“So, either way I’m going to eat? Getting a bit bossy, aren’t you?” Her smile said she was teasing. He sounded so much like his brother that she had
to shake her head.
“What? You need a third option?”
“No, I’ll eat.” She glanced at her watch. Nine thirty. “I didn’t realize it was this late. Dr. Walker came by and said she’s doing so well, she’ll be dangling this morning.”
“Dangling?”
“Sitting up, feet over the side of the bed. Precursor to standing on the floor.”
“I see. And all of this with plenty of supervision of course?”
“Of course. The duty nurse said to let her know when she wakes.”
“Okay, I can handle that. Now, which eating option are you planning on taking?”
Jenna thought a moment. None of them until after Heather’s therapy. “How about a bagel and cream cheese?”
“Coffee?”
“They’ll bring me all the coffee I want here on the floor.”
He shuddered. “I’m pickier than that for mine, but I’ll be right back. You’ll have to take my choice on the bagel.”
Jenna nodded absently, already thinking about Heather’s next milestone.
“That your hubby?” the nurse asked when she came in to check on Heather.
“No, brother-in-law.” As she answered, she wondered briefly about the unavailable woman he pined for. A loss for that woman. Randy was wonderful.
“Well, he’s one good-looking hunk, that’s for sure.”
“Is she talking about Uncle Randy?” Heather asked, her voice still half asleep.
“Yes, she is.”
“She’s right. Has he gone?”
“You think he’d leave without telling you good-bye?” Jenna patted Heather’s hand. “He just went to get me a bagel.”
“You don’t have to be here all the time, you know.”
“What would you have me do?”
“You could go shopping, to a movie, catch up on some sleep, talk on the phone—cell phones are allowed in here. You are going to have a life now.” Her voice perked up. “Like me.”
“Good point, how come I never thought of that?” She smiled at her daughter. “Is there someone you’d like to talk to?”
“Grandma M., then Grammie, and…” A yawn caught her. “And I think Dr. Avery to tell him thank you and Merry Christmas.”
Strange, there isn’t one friend her age she wants to call. That will be one thing to remedy, finding friends for Heather.
“And one other thing. Could you find a computer and tell my group my good news? This all happened so fast I didn’t even get to tell them I was leaving.”
No, Jenna reminded herself. She would not need to find friends for her daughter. Heather was more than capable. “Of course.” Jenna took paper and pen from her purse. “Give me the address.”
Heather gave it to her and looked up to see Randy entering the room, along with the nurse, who was laughing at something he’d said.
“Look who’s awake.” He handed Jenna a small tray with orange juice, plus the requested bagel.
“Okay, m’dear, you ready to roll?” The nurse, hands on hips, looked at Heather over her half-glasses.
Heather nodded. “I get to walk, right?”
“We’ll do a little dangling first and see how you respond.”
“Do you want me to leave?” Randy asked. Jenna thought he looked like a man whose wife was having their first baby.
“No.” Heather stared at him, shaking her head just a little, then glancing down at her hospital gown.
“I think we can preserve her modesty.” The nurse looked to Jenna, who nodded too.
They lowered the bed and flattened the head so she was sitting nearly straight up. Heather gasped when she moved her feet toward the edge and sat up with her own muscles.
“No rush now, we’ll take it easy.”
Jenna tucked the gown around Heather’s back and laid a hand on her shoulder to feel her daughter quivering.
“Okay, now swing your legs over slowly,” the nurse instructed.
Heather inched her heels toward the side of the bed, hanging onto the nurse’s forearm. Jenna held her breath. She’d helped patients do this hundreds of times through the years, but this was her daughter, with a brand-new heart. Breathe, woman, don’t go light-headed. That’s Heather’s prerogative, not yours.
The nurse scooted the IV line out of the way. “Good, you’re almost there. Feeling faint? Don’t forget to breathe, there, girlfriend.”
Heather widened her eyes, a tiny smile all that she’d spend on the comment. With her lower lip locked between her teeth, all her focus zeroed in on sitting upright and letting her feet hang over the edge.
When her feet hung straight down from her knees, and she was fairly close to straight up, she let out a whoosh. “Made it.”
Jenna didn’t dare glance at Randy, for if his eyes wore the sheen she could feel in her own, she knew she’d start to bawl right then and there. The victory of the moment felt all the sweeter for sharing it with family. So many lonely days in the past. “Way to go, sweetheart. Way to go.”
Randy gave her a thumbs-up sign. “You did it. How’s it feel?”
“Wobbly. I don’t think I’ll be walking yet.”
“No, but standing this afternoon.” The nurse put her stethoscope to Heather’s back. “Good and clear. Just what we like to hear.” She looked into the girl’s eyes. “You want to hear?” When Heather nodded, she slipped the earpieces into Heather’s ears and held the disc against her back.
Heather grinned. “Awesome.”
The nurse put the stethoscope back in her pocket. “Awesome is right. You got a real thumper there. How you feeling?”
“Like I ran a mile.”
“Okay. Wiggle your toes for me and flex your ankles. Let’s get that circulation moving. Good girl, that’s enough for now. Next milestone is standing up.”
When Heather was lying down again, with the bed propped back up, she puffed out her cheeks and blew out a breath. “You know, tiring as that was, I can tell I’m getting more air than I have for a long time. I’ve been weaker than this at times at home lying on the couch.”
“Well, on that happy note, I have something for you here, and then I need to head for the airport.” Randy set a small package next to Heather.
“But you already gave me my presents.”
“This is extra.”
She oohed and aahed over the delicate heart-shaped locket, but her eyelids were drooping even as she thanked Randy.
He kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you again, soon.”
“At home?”
“For sure.” He turned to Jenna. “Walk me out?”
Halfway through the door, Jenna heard Heather’s drowsy voice: “Find a computer, Mom.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Jenna stuck her hand around Randy’s elbow, something she’d been doing for years. But this time she wished she hadn’t, and quickly removed it. Something was different. She puzzled on that as they walked down the hall and waited for the elevator and tried to think of something to say. Other than don’t go? The small voice chuckled with glee.
Everyone always left her. But not Heather. Lord, why am I fussing like this?
Once at the sky bridge, he stopped beside the arrangement of poinsettias. “I’m all packed and checked out, so…” He paused and studied her for a moment. “Is there anything I can send you? Do for you?”
“Cards cheer Heather, your phone calls always mean a lot to both of us.” She felt close to tears. All the emotion of the arrival of Heather’s new heart, the surgery, Christmas miracles, it was beginning to break her down. She was not a sniffer.
“You let me know when you’re ready for New York. If you need me, all you have to do is call.”
Jenna nodded. She knew that, but as always, she hated to be a burden. The fear of becoming like her mother nagged at her more often than she cared to admit. She never had liked people that whined.
Randy bent a little so he was looking right into her eyes. “I mean that, Jenna. After all, I have a vested interest in that young lady up there
. I have to take her skiing.”
Back on safe ground, talking about Heather. Randy’s hazel eyes, so close to her own, blazed right through her fatigue to her core. What was the matter with her? “She might not be ready to ski this year, but next for sure.”
“Would you come too?”
“Sure. I’m not a skier, but I’d love a trip to just about anywhere.”
“I could teach you.”
The intensity of his gaze forbade the eye roll she had planned. Instead, she heard her voice adopt a “shut down” mode that people at work knew was her “don’t mess with me” voice. “I don’t take chances with my health. I am the chief provider here, and if I can’t work, we don’t eat.” Or have a roof over our heads. She looked up to find him studying her. Her smile tightened enough for her to notice, hoping he hadn’t.
“I thought Arlen’s pension…” Randy looked like the next moment he’d be taking his wallet out of his back pocket. Dismayed at how this good-bye was progressing, Jenna hurried to end it.
“It wasn’t a great amount, him dying so young. Besides, I put some of that aside every month in Heather’s college fund. Now she’ll be able to use it.” She forced a cheeky grin. “Good news, huh?”
He reached out to hug her tightly; then he stepped back quickly. “See you soon.”
She watched him stride over the sky bridge heading to the parking garage and waved when he glanced back. The imprint left by his arms stayed warm all the way back to the elevator. She pushed the up button and then grimaced. The computer. She’d promised to find a computer.
After locating one, with the friendly assistance of a hospital volunteer, she settled into a chair. She logged on with only a minimum of trouble and went to the site, clicking on the chat room icon. Once in, she followed the instructions Heather had her write down and typed in the message.
Hi, everyone, This is Heather’s mom. We have wonderful news. Heather received a new heart on Dec. 23. Her new heart started beating immediately, and other than postsurgical pain, she is doing well. She is back on a regular floor and asking when she can go home.
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