“Are you okay?” the chief pried, as I walked in.
***
Twenty-two years old
“So are you going to tell me what’s going on with the both of you?” Vince demanded, surveying his sister who’d been standing at the bar waiting for her drink.
It was tradition for the first responder trainees of every department to head to Jekyll’s on Fridays after a hard week of drills, so we could hang out with the rest of the paramedics and rescue teams. Right from the start, the teachers highly suggested we socialize with the various crews we were going to work with in the nearby future. As a sign of support, the Jekyll’s owner, Ellie, who was also married to the fire chief from the unit in downtown Saratoga, offered after shift specials to all emergency responders who walked into the bar. Vince and I were on our fourth straight week of firefighter training classes, and on our second Friday night out. I was more than exhausted, and in all honesty with everything that had happened with Aubrey the previous weekend, I wasn’t in the mood to go out. But I also didn’t want to be the dick who’d refused to be a part of the team, so I went anyway. The last thing I expected was for Aub to join us. I hadn’t seen her in days. She had stayed away from our place all week and even though she showed up with Vince after their family dinner, she barely sat with us all evening; avoiding us––or rather me.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Of course I did. I was more aware of her than I had ever been. I knew how many drinks she ordered; three god awful strawberry daiquiris. I sort of knew how many guys had leered her way...I lost count after twenty-nine. I kept tabs on who had checked out her ass; two trainee cops, five guys from my firefighting class, three guys I assumed were first responders because they seemed to be pretty chatty with Ellie. The bartender assisting the owner had also swivelled her way more than once. But I was especially watchful of the guy with the man-bun standing beside her. He was getting too close for comfort, well...for my comfort anyway. I could care less about hers and even less about his.
My best friend was observing me with narrowed eyes when I returned my gaze to meet his, and noticing that his clenched jaw and threatening glare had no effect on me, he maintained his silence, expecting me to spill my guts.
I wouldn’t––I did.
“What?” I snapped five long minutes later. It turned out that his silence was driving me just as crazy as his sister’s.
“I’m just waiting for you to cut the crap and tell me what the fuck is going on.”
“Nothing is going on,” I gritted through my teeth. “And Aubrey and I are fine.”
“You’re fine?” He scratched his lower lip with his thumb, snickering. Vincent checked on his sister again and when his focus landed back on me, the expression on his face hardened. “Then explain to me why the hell she hasn’t visited our apartment in seven days. Explain to me why she’s standing at the bar with some douche-bag with long hair drinking fucking margaritas, instead of sponging off our pitcher like she’s been doing every Friday night for the past––year?.”
“It’s a daiquiri,” I retorted, but he just squinted at me instead of asking me how I knew what she was ordering. Vincent was a patient man, a lot more patient than I ever was. “How the hell should I know why she hasn’t stopped by this week?” I defended. “She was probably just busy preparing for her mid-terms or some shit.”
“Try again, dickhead.”
“What do you want me to say, Vince?” My voice sounded guiltier than I expected it to.
“How about the truth? Or if that’s too hard for you, then maybe explain why you’ve been staring at her like she’s about to disappear.”
“Are you telling me that I can’t look at her either now? I’m just keeping an eye on her...or do you have issues with that too?”
“You don’t need to,” he bit back. “That’s what she has me for,”
“Whatever.” I’d had enough. Enough of him, enough of her, and enough of our pointless frustrating conversation. I stood up from my chair and marched out the front door, ready to head home.
“Oh for fuck sakes, Lambert, is walking away from this really how you want to finish our discussion?”
After running my fingers through my hair and replacing my baseball cap over my head, I jammed my hands inside the front pockets of my jeans and slumped my shoulders. For the first time in our friendship I had no explanations. I fucked up. I fell for his sister even though I told him I wouldn’t, and I couldn’t be the guy she needed because everything I touched, everything I loved, turned to ash.
“I guess it is.” I replied, walking away.
He sneered. “You’re such a fucking pussy.”
His comment had me reeling back and when I turned around he crossed arms over his chest, glowering at me.
“You’re the one who told me she was off limits.” I argued, poorly.
“So just because I tell you to stay away from her, you listen?” he condemned. “She was right to walk away from you. She deserves so much more than a guy who can’t even step up to his own feelings.”
I wasn’t surprised that he knew what had happened between Aubrey and me, the twins held no secrets from each other. But it did piss me off he’d known an entire week and hadn’t said a word to me about it. “Fuck you, Vince. You can’t be pissed at me for following through to your one stupid rule. You wanted me to stay away from her, so I did.”
“This wasn’t about staying away from her. It was about not hurting her.” His eyes burned with a mixture of irritation and anger. “My sister was in pieces when she found out her stupid ex cheated on her. She avoided our home, our friends...she avoided me. I got to see her twice that year: once on Christmas, where she spent her entire vacation locked up in her old bedroom, and the other time, four months later, when she met you. My sister was torn and broken over everything that had happened. So yeah, Micah. Fuck me. Fuck me for wanting to protect her, and fuck me for wanting to protect our friendship.”
I peered up at the sky, searching for my words. The street lamps’ glow spread so high, we couldn’t see the stars, and when my attention went back to Vince, he seemed to be even more frustrated with me. “You just don’t get it, do you? The only reason why I’m staying away from Aubrey is because I don’t want to hurt her. It’s hard as hell. She’s around us every damn day, and when she isn’t, I miss the shit out of her so much I just want to text her and tell her to come over. No matter how hard I try, no matter the fact that I know it’s what’s best for her...she’s on my mind. All. The. Time.”
“You think I don’t know?” A sarcastic snicker escaped his throat. “Don’t you think I see it when you check her out––the way she sneaks a glimpse at you while I’m pretending not to pay attention? Dude, I’ve known for months. And as much as I commend you for being loyal to our friendship: stop using me for your inability to––”
The muscles of his jaw twitched when his dark eyes darted towards the window. I followed his gaze. Aubrey was still leaning against the wall close to the bar, sipping on her fruity drink while grinning as the asshole she was with reached for the strand of hair that hid her face. She didn’t even push him away. She just let him do whatever he wanted, and I snapped. It wasn’t the first time a guy hit on her, it wasn’t the first time she flirted back, it was however the first time Vince and I let her take it as far as it had. My hands balled up into a tight fist and I cursed under my breath. Darting past my best friend, I saw the corner of his lips curl through the reflection of the glass door.
I walked in with a plan, but for the first time in my life I also had something good going on for myself and the last thing I needed to do was to screw it up. So instead of causing mayhem, I hid in the shadows, took my cell out from my hoodie and watched her from afar.
Micah: Tell him to leave.
Aubrey pulled her phone out from the back pocket of her tight jeans and frowned as she read my message. Her eyes trailed outside and when she realized I wasn’t there anymore, her lips threaded into a thin l
ine.
Aubrey: No
An evil grin spread across my face. I wasn't surprised by her reaction, I even expected it. It made the game even more entertaining. I was, however, surprised that she had kept tabs on where I was. Her brows drew together as she searched for me through the overcrowded bar. There was something gratifying in the idea that she could feel me stalking her while having no idea where I was.
Micah: Did you know that in the early stages of its life, firefly larvae glow to warn their predators to stay away? It’s a way for them to caution their hunters of their toxic chemical components.
Aubrey: As a matter of a fact, I did. But did YOU know that as an adult, the bioluminescence of a firefly is solely made for sexual selection? The male attracts the female with steady glows or flashing lights, searching for a suitable mate, and to show him she’s interested, the female mimics his irregular sparks to attract him. While he is stupid enough to think it’s love, she has obtained an effective way to tame her hunger.
With a smug smile she found my gaze.
Aubrey: So you see, Micah, contrary to the common knowledge, the female firefly is the predator. She mates and then she kills her prey.
Micah: Someone has done her research.
Her mouth curved proudly.
Aubrey: I have. Which still leaves me wondering...why do you call me firefly?
Her eyes wandered away from the screen searching for mine, but disappointment hit her when she realized I had moved away from the spot I was standing to another corner where she couldn’t see me.
Micah: A smart firefly must learn to stay away from temptation.
Aubrey: And while he does, she dances in the meadow attracting the males who are stupid enough to fall for her charm. Thank you for your concern, Lambert, but as you can see, I am more than capable of taking care of myself.
My jaw tensed, and a low growl escaped my throat.
Micah: You might be right about how things work in the dark woods, Firefly, but remember that there will always be one predator the beetles can’t escape. Don’t test me, Aubrey because you will soon find out that as opposed to anyone else in here, I don’t give a fuck about this place. I don’t give a fuck about getting kicked out of the academy, and jail doesn’t scare me. I will not ask you a third time: tell him to leave or I will make his lips suck on his own dick.
Disregarding my request, she rolled her tongue inside her mouth and stuffed her phone back inside her jeans, ending our conversation short.
Micah: Aubrey!
She ignored me.
Fucking hell.
Pleased with herself, she took a sip from her drink and went back to pretending she was paying attention to the guy standing in front of her. I knew she had no interest in him, it was more than obvious since all she did was scope the bar in hopes of finding me. My nostrils flared at how easy it was for her to get to me.
I advanced towards her until we were a three feet away from each other. Once our eyes locked, her confidence faded. Standing right behind her new conquest, I listened to the guy who’d been pathetically hitting on a girl who hadn’t listened to a word of his in over twenty minutes. It was a wonder how he hadn’t felt me almost breathing down his neck, but then again maybe he was just too engrossed in the sound of his own voice to notice. Or maybe he was just waiting for the right moment to steal her away and fuck her the way his eyes had been fucking her all evening.
“Are you okay?” he repeated to Aubrey, noticing her lack of reaction.
Staring at me, she rolled her tongue over her lip which finally got his attention and had him scope the patrons behind him.
Inflating his chest like a knight in shining armor, he snarled. “The lady and I are having a conversation,”
I almost laughed, but instead of answering to his attempt at a provocation, I ignored him and swayed to the side. Matching my sidestep, Aubrey took a wobbly step back, and pressed herself against the wall behind her.
“The lady has been using you to fuck with his head,” Vince’s mocking voice pointed out as I gave his sister a predatory once over. I hadn’t realized he was standing in our little circle, which left me wondering how long he’d been watching us. “And if you want to save yourself from any kind of humiliation, I suggest you leave.”
“You guys are assholes,” Aubrey snapped furiously at me. I presumed by her reaction, that her new friend had retreated. A soft chuckle escaped my throat. While she had to be used to our chaperoning, I always got a good kick out of her sassiness.
Caging her in with my hands up against the wall, I grasped the fury in her eyes as it thundered into the lust I was used to see when we were alone. Contemplating my next move, I tried to tame the anger she had managed to stir up. Jealousy was a new emotion for me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.
“You got this, Lambert?” Vincent called out.
“Yeah. I got this,” I responded, taunting the little firefly with my evil smile.
Vince’s chortle got lost in the boisterous distance and I licked my lips wondering what I wanted to do next.
“I hate you,” she bit back. “The both of you.”
I pressed my hand against her throat. Aubrey’s pupils flared in shock and my grin grew even wider. I liked her anxious and angry. She was so used to being in control, but this time it would be different. I had the upper hand and for the first time in her life she was going to find out what kind of an asshole I could be.
“I don’t believe you,” I breathed into her ear.
“Mi––”
My lips brushed over the delicate skin between the nape of her neck and jawline, and her frustrated voice died down, converting to a soft moan. “I will not claim you as mine, but I expect you to act like you belong to me. As of today, nobody but me buys you a drink, nobody but me takes you out on a date and nobody but me touches your hair or your body. Make sure you understand that I will growl at any guy who glances at your ass and I will beat the fuck out of anyone who attempts to kiss your lips.” Embracing the fury burning inside me, I closed my eyes and breathed in. I needed to maintain a certain level of control, I couldn’t scare her. Not now, not until I had a taste of her. “I can’t commit to you. I’ll never be able to take care of you the way you want me to, and for that reason, you are free to walk away from me at any time. But if you do chose to try and make this work, you will promise me that no matter what happens you will never show up to a fire scene I have been assigned to––ever.”
Her throat moved against my fingers as she swallowed, and when I reopened my eyes, her dilated orbs met mine. They were filled with emotions I was unable to read. “I’m not scared of you,” she whispered staring down at my lips. They were so close to mine, just begging to be kissed.
“You should be,” I croaked. “I’m not a good person, Aubrey. I’ve hurt the few people I’ve ever loved. I’m a selfish asshole who’s done unforgivable things. I’m fucked up and although I have been able to tame my anger for a long time, there will be a day where I will fuck up again and make a mistake. You need do understand that on that day, no matter what you say or how hard you beg: I will walk away from you and you won’t ever see me again.”
I leaned into her, my mouth almost touching hers.
“If I was a good man, I'd walk away from you, but I can’t. Not anymore. I’m done fighting with myself.” I released my hold on her neck and cupped her face with both hands. “I fucking love you Aubrey Bankes.”
Tilting her head up towards mine I crashed my mouth on hers. Kissing Aubrey was everything I imagined it would be. I controlled the strokes, feasting on her sweet strawberry tasting lips and she let me, moaning and desperately begging me for more. Hoarse grunts resonated deep inside my throat as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled at my hair. I wasn’t tender, I was greedy. I wanted to lavish her with love and hurt her with a profound pain just because I knew I could.
But the little firefly was just as hungry as I could ever be. Every stroke of her tongue against mine grew
into an addiction I was unable to tame, a drug I never wanted to quit.
It was perfect and she was mine.
***
Present
I took one last look at my future bride and noticed a dozen little fireflies bouncing in the air behind her. It was like they were calling me back to her. “Any chance this might be a bogus call?” I asked Jackson. I didn’t want to leave.
Following my gaze, Aubrey turned her head to see what I was squinting at. Once she caught a glimpse of the little lightbulbs flying around her, her wet happy eyes met mine.
“I’m afraid not, kid.” He peered up at Aubrey still sitting on the grass, watching us. “You are one lucky man, Lambert, she’s beautiful.”
“Nah, man. She’s perfect. And now, she’s mine forever.”
“I know.” He ushered me towards the hall, so I could grab my gear. “Now hurry and suit-up, you’re in truck three with Bankes. The emergency operator has already sent the address to our GPS system. I’ll see you when you get there.”
Vince was already half dressed when I entered the hall, and as soon as he saw me, his grin grew wide.
“Fifty-five minutes on the dot, and you haven’t eaten dinner. I guess you’ll be dying of starvation by the time we come back from our call.” I teased, grabbing my stuff and throwing it on as fast as I could.
He slipped his coat on and grabbed his mask. “What are you even talking about? First off, you’ve been out there for at least two hours. Second, my stomach is full. While you were out there, we were all in the kitchen eating the homemade mac and cheese Ellie cooked for us this afternoon, which was delicious by the way. The entire crew was watching you two like we were at the movies.”
“You had mac and cheese and didn’t bring any of it out for me? What kind of brother-in-law are you?”
Burn Me Anthology Page 52