by Diana Finley
‘Of course. I do understand the distress of children,’ he says slowly.
‘Let them first get to know you as their cousin – their much beloved cousin – and then later they can learn that you are their brother.’
‘Haven’t there been enough concealments and half-truths, Anna?’ asks Esther.
‘Please think about it, Shimon. Let us welcome you to our home in Germany.’
‘But only on your conditions?’
‘I’m sorry.’ Anna stands abruptly and rushes from the room, her hand clasped to her mouth.
* * *
Anna watches as Shimon, Ben and Eve bend over a complex new jigsaw puzzle, a Christmas present from Shimon to Ben, their three heads intent on studying the picture on the box lid and searching the wooden pieces spread over the floor. Sam is sitting in an armchair reading, legs stretched towards the fire, puffing at a cigar.
‘Here are two more bits of the engine,’ says Ben. ‘I’m going to see if I can find all the black and gold parts. Why don’t you just look for straight-edge pieces, Eve?’
‘Because that’s boring. I want to look for windows on the carriages. Look, I’m going to find that lady’s head.’
Eve’s arm is draped loosely around Shimon’s shoulders, her fingers playing at his neck. Periodically she rests her head against his arm. Gently, he lifts her arm and separates himself to lean forward.
‘Look. Here’s the feather in the woman’s hat. See if you can find the rest of it.’ Shimon jerks his leg forward suddenly.
‘Aagh! My leg’s gone to sleep – I need to stand up a minute.’
He hops towards the Christmas tree and then circles it doing an imitation of a war dance. Eve giggles.
‘Has your leg woken up now, Shimon?’
He notices Anna in the doorway watching them, and smiles. She moves forward and hugs him hurriedly, always aware of not allowing herself to demonstrate her feelings too openly. Has Ben sensed something special between them? He sometimes appears watchful to her.
As if responding to her thoughts, Ben glances up, looking from Anna and Shimon to his father. Sam raises his cigar to Anna in greeting.
‘There you are, darling. That’s the new dress is it? Do a twirl. Yes, very charming – really suits you. What do you think, Shimon?’
‘Very beautiful.’
‘Sam,’ says Anna, ‘the doctor was quite clear that you shouldn’t smoke so much.’
‘Nor am I. He said cut down on the cigarettes and that’s exactly what I’m doing.’
‘He didn’t say take up cigars instead!’
‘No cigarettes or cigars? What a martinet, eh Ben? A man’s got to have some pleasures in life.’
‘Mamma’s quite right, Daddy. You shouldn’t smoke so much. It’s supposed to be bad for your health.’ Ben sighs loudly and looks sternly at Sam. He walks from the sitting room and slams the door.
‘Oh dear, beginning of the terrible teens, I suppose,’ says Sam, looking at Shimon.
‘I remember being thirteen. It’s not an easy age.’
‘Ah, that’s more than I can,’ replies Sam.
‘Hmm. So much changing inside and outside – and always trying to put a brave face on things.’ Shimon says.
‘True,’ says Anna. ‘He’s found the new school a big adjustment. After being top dog at Hadrian Court for the last year, now suddenly he’s one of the new boys again.’
‘And of course,’ says Shimon, ‘he’s had to get used to having a brand-new … cousin suddenly appear on the scene.’ He looks at Anna. She frowns.
‘But that’s all right, Shimon,’ says Eve from the floor. ‘We like having a new cousin, don’t we, Mamma?’
‘Of course we do.’
‘Except that he’s not your cousin, is he, Mamma?’
The colour drains suddenly from Anna’s face. She holds on to the back of an armchair.
‘No …?’ she says faintly, her eyes opening wide.
‘No, course not! He’s your nephew!’
* * *
Why is it that recently, life seems to have been spent at airport arrival and departure lounges? Reunions and partings; intense pleasure followed by deep sorrow. Sam has gone with Shimon to find him a drink for the flight. She sees them approaching, deep in conversation, Sam’s hand on Shimon’s shoulder. What did I do to deserve him, she wonders, so generous with his affection? She’s not even sure whether she’s thinking of Sam or Shimon, or perhaps both of them.
‘I hope you don’t regret coming, Shimon? I know it hasn’t been exactly as you wanted …’
‘Of course I don’t regret it. How could I? You have all been very good to me. Ben and Eve are lovely kids. I do want to know them as my brother and sister though, and for them to know me as their brother.’
‘Yes, and you will, in time,’ says Anna.
‘Sooner rather than later, I hope,’ adds Sam.
* * *
They watch until the plane disappears from view. Anna fights a black cloud of melancholy and despair, which threatens to descend.
‘Well, we’d better go,’ she says brightly. ‘At least we’ve still got two children at home.’
Sam holds her to him, stroking her hair.
‘However far away he is, you have Shimon too. He’ll always be a part of us now.’
Chapter 14
Chislehurst 1962
A day of humid summer heat has turned into a sultry evening. The sun has just set, leaving a salmon glow behind the trees. The air still hangs warm and close as a heavy curtain. A late blackbird claims his territory, his insistent tones piercing the stillness. Anna and Sam sit on uncomfortable deckchairs sipping glasses of chilled Moselle wine, and survey their unruly garden.
‘I know I said we need to see it through a whole year before making major changes, but I’m just itching to get started. It’s starting to take shape in my head …’
‘In your head? In your dreams too! You’re so completely preoccupied with it, Sam – even when you’re asleep. You were muttering something about “dig it, dig it in here” last night.’
‘A likely story. Probably one of Eve’s ghastly pop songs drilled into my brain. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think we should make this whole area into a terrace. It’s sheltered from the wind and gets the last of the evening sun, so it would be perfect. Over there, summer borders with traditional perennials. And over there on the left, a small rose garden. At the bottom, there’s room for some fruit trees and bushes, and a small vegetable plot. You’ll have to tell me what you’d most like in it.’
‘Will you take any notice? You’ve got it all worked out already.’
Anna smiles and strokes the bleached hairs on Sam’s arm. He exudes joy and contentment. If she’d had any worries about him missing the camaraderie of military life, or his role as a senior officer, those concerns have long been dispelled. She can’t remember when she last saw him so relaxed. It is over forty years since Sam last lived in his homeland. At first, he is like an alien, an awestruck visitor from another world, which in a sense is exactly what he is. The volume of traffic on the streets amazes him, as does the variety of foods, restaurants and shops on offer. He is astounded by the colourful, bizarre clothes and hairstyles displayed by young people, and by the general lack of formality with which people of all backgrounds appear to treat one another. Yet he adapts quickly to his new environment and the changes in lifestyle.
Four days a week, dressed in a dark city suit, Sam cycles to the station for his commute into central London and his retirement job at the War Office. He entertains Anna with stories of the office girls: their complaints about the old-fashioned attitudes of their parents, the attractions or shortcomings of their current boyfriends. His secretary Linda suggests that calling him ‘Brigadier Lawrence’ is a bit stuffy, and she is happy to address him as Sam, if he doesn’t mind. Sam doesn’t mind.
For Anna too, life in England is major adjustment. The four years before their move had begun the process of preparatio
n for a great change in circumstances. In 1958, at the age of sixty-five and still robustly fit and energetic, Della had retired to a cheerful flat in Berlin. While still living in Germany, Anna and Eve were able to visit her from time to time. They would sit on her sunny balcony drinking coffee and eating hazelnut wafers. Della’s diary was crammed with activities: meeting friends, painting, swimming, country walks and much more. She had entered into her new life with characteristic determination and enthusiasm. She claimed to miss living in the bosom of the family, but Anna doubted she had much time to reflect on it.
Since Sam’s retirement and their move from Germany, Della has been planning a trip to stay with the family in Chislehurst. It will be her first experience of England. She prepares herself culturally by reading every conceivable reference to members of the British Royal Family in ‘Bild-Zeitung’. Over the years, her letters, with their detailed pronouncements on the marriageability or otherwise of ‘Charles’ and ‘Anne’, cause Anna amusement and exasperation in equal measure. Nevertheless, she misses Della’s down-to-earth wisdom, and the warmth of her company.
In civilian life in England, she learns, live-in servants are regarded as the preserve of the seriously rich. Instead, a stout, good-natured Londoner, Mrs Potts, is engaged to clean for four hours twice a week. The two women grow friendly and comfortable together, and gradually develop their own routines. Each morning at eleven, Mrs Potts is called from her work, to sit in the kitchen, where a slice of bread and butter and a cup of milky coffee await her. When Anna asks if she might ever like to vary her mid-morning snack, perhaps with a biscuit, a slice of cake or some fruit, she purses her lips and looks into the distance to consider the matter.
‘I don’t mind ’avin’ a scrapin’ of Marmite on it, once in a while,’ she concedes.
Occasionally, if Anna goes out, Mrs Potts lets herself into the house with her key, but generally Anna remains at home and joins her cleaner at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee of her own, and sometimes even a cigarette.
‘I like the smell of it, but I never fancied smokin’ myself. ’Course Mr Potts ’as to ’ave ’is smoke.’
Anna becomes familiar with the characters of Mr Potts, of the steady, loyal older son and of the acquisitive, ne’er-do-well younger son, who holds a special place in Mrs Potts’s heart, despite his undeserving behaviour. She learns of the lives of the daughter, and her lazy husband, who does little but get her pregnant again and ‘take avantige’ of Mr and Mrs Potts’s generosity.
Apart from Mrs Potts, Anna manages the household alone. Her cooking has become confident, and she is known in particular for her Viennese specialities. Esther had encouraged her to take up sewing again; after all, she had asserted, dressmaking is in their genes. Anna, like her mother long ago, has a flair for designing and making stylish outfits. She sews for herself and also for Eve, although Eve is becoming increasingly choosy over what she wears, and is learning to sew for herself.
For so many years Anna had longed to put down roots. Now at last, she feels able to do so. In the first proper home of their own she and Sam have had together, she is determined to make a success of it. After years of living in temporary army accommodation with borrowed furniture, they nest-build excitedly, like young newly-weds. For the first time, they choose their own furniture, carpets and curtains and equipment for their home. Sam is particularly interested in gadgets and labour-saving machines: mixers, washers, driers, electric mowers – and central heating.
‘Britain has a mild, maritime climate,’ he had assured the family before their departure from Germany, though Ben had looked doubtful. One winter spent huddled in thick pullovers and blankets is enough to convince Sam – all of them – otherwise, and central heating is installed throughout the house.
Neighbours have been welcoming and friendly, inviting Anna and Sam to dinners, drinks parties and coffee mornings. They introduce Anna to friends of their own, and gradually her social circle expands. Many of her new acquaintances and friends are also European; Chislehurst increasingly regards itself as cosmopolitan. While some snobbery exists, there is not the same pressure of rank in suburbia. For the first time since she left Austria, Anna feels settled, accepted, and at peace with her surroundings.
At home, things have become easier with Eve. Perhaps because the transition to school in England has been difficult for her, Eve regards her mother as an ally and confidante as never before. She detests the rigidity of school and finds herself in constant conflict with authority over one issue after another: her liberal interpretation of uniform rules, her refusal to eat many of the unfamiliar and unappetising meals, and her surly rebellion with all but a small number of favourite teachers.
At first the other girls too regard Eve as odd and foreign. Observing her daughter’s fury, Anna recognises the familiar pain of the outsider, watching the world from the periphery, and pretending not to care. How best to help her? As Esther is fond of saying, too much sympathy just results in self-pity. Don’t all adolescents believe they are ‘different’? Eve needs to find her own way. Time will bring some relief, although of course she won’t see that yet. Anna listens to Eve’s complaints as they sit together after school, but tries to encourage her to seek her own solutions.
* * *
In the spring after their move, to Anna’s great joy, Shimon and Rachel announce their intention to marry. The whole family is invited to a traditional Jewish wedding in Boston but, problematically, the date falls within school term time for both Ben and Eve. Ben is taking two of his A level exams a year early and can’t possibly be taken out of school. Sam and Anna agree it is fairer for neither child to attend.
‘Which really means you’ll have to go on your own, doesn’t it? We can’t possibly leave Eve at home on her own – not at fourteen – and it’s too long a time to expect friends to put her up.’
‘She’ll be terribly disappointed. Don’t you think she could stay with Emma and Dori?’
‘No, darling, I really don’t. No, I’ll have to stay here with her. I know Esther will be sorry we can’t all go …’ says Sam.
‘And so will Shimon and Rachel!’
‘Yes of course they will, but you’re the most important one in this. There’s no way you can miss the wedding.’
Anna spends just over three weeks in Boston, the wedding occupying the middle weekend. When she returns, Ben has just arrived home following his exams. Anna is bubbling over with excitement. She brings photographs and special gifts for Ben and Eve. Marta and Leila have written cards to their cousins and there are personal letters from Shimon and Rachel, Esther and Reuben, and from Yael. At first Eve tries to feign indifference, wanting to demonstrate to all her feelings of resentment at having been left out of the great event, but she’s unable to keep the facade up for long.
‘Look at Rachel’s dress in this one,’ she exclaims, passing a photograph to Anna. ‘See how it fits her waist perfectly.’
‘I know. It’s just right for her. Doesn’t she look gorgeous! Esther has such good taste.’
‘She let Esther choose it for her?’
‘Not just choose it, make it. Her friends did all the catering, but following Esther’s instructions.’
‘The cake looks quite a work of art,’ Sam says.
Ben looks up from reading his letter. ‘Shimon says they’re going on honeymoon to Alaska. They’re going to see grizzlies, black bears – and whales! Fantastic.’
‘Brrr! I wouldn’t want to go to Alaska for my honeymoon – too cold,’ says Eve.
‘Well, that’s all right then – there’s no chance of that anyway,’ says Ben. ‘Who’d want to marry you?’
‘Now, now,’ says Sam, ‘I guess they’ll have love to keep them warm.’
‘Aaaaghh!’ says Eve, clutching her throat and making a grimace. ‘Yuck!’
* * *
Later that evening Sam raises, once again, the issue of when Ben and Eve should be told the full truth about Shimon.
‘I did speak to Shimon abou
t it in America. Of course, he wanted me to tell Ben and Eve the whole story long before now. I understand that. But in the end, he seemed pleased that I’d agreed to what he regards as the first step at least.’
‘And that is?’
‘Well, telling them that long ago I made a mistake, I did something wrong; that I had a baby. I’ll try to explain something of the circumstances, and that I couldn’t keep the baby – that I had to give it away.’
‘That is quite a step forward. So what aren’t you telling them? What else did Shimon want you to reveal?’ asks Sam.
‘You know he wants me to tell them everything. But I’m just telling them as much as I think they can handle, at this stage … I’m not going to say that the baby was … is Shimon.’
Sam draws deeply on his cigar and looks into the fire.
‘Sam? Don’t you think that’s right?’
‘Hmm. I’m just wondering if you won’t leave them with rather a lot of questions. What if one of them asks about what happened to the baby? Surely they’ll want to know that. What are you going to say?’
‘Then I’d just say he was adopted by a lovely family. A family who loved him very much, who cared for him well. That’s the truth at least, isn’t it?’
‘Ye-es. It’s just not the whole truth, is it? It’s hard to know how satisfied they’ll be with that information.’
‘Well, they’ll just have to be! That’s all I’m going to tell them right now. I don’t believe they’re ready to know all about Shimon, and that’s that!’
Sam puts his arms around her.
‘You must do what feels right for you, darling. No more, no less.’
* * *
Eve runs into the hall to answer the telephone. She always appears to be waiting for an important call and is usually disappointed. Anna and Sam hear her impatient tone, and exchange glances.
‘What? Who d’you want to speak to? Uh-huh. What’s it about? What did you say your name is? Yes, OK. OK! Just a minute.’
‘Perfect telephone manner,’ murmurs Sam, raising his eyebrows.