by Shay Savage
My chest heaved as I tried to take in enough breath to counter the adrenaline surging through my system. It didn’t work, and I just ended up panting. I had to make myself stop, or I was going to hyperventilate. I looked around the beach. Were there any more of them? There were four – where’s the fourth body? Then I remembered – he was left to die in the water. There were three bodies on the beach, one at my feet and two a little farther away.
Raine’s fingers were tracing up and down my arm. When I glanced down, I saw her fingers had stopped at the point where the blood covering my arm and hand started. It was even worse on the other side. My stomach and chest were splattered with the red fluid.
A hundred images passed through my brain. How many times had I stood in the center of an arena, bloodied hands held high in victory while I heard the cheers of rich fuckers betting on the deaths of those who played against me? How many times had the elation of winning rolled over me as the blood of my opponents dripped down my arms?
“Come wash off,” I heard her tiny voice say. Mindlessly, I let her lead me to the water’s edge, then inside the shallow waves where I could clean the blood from my hands, my arms, my legs, and my stomach. Fuck, it was pretty much everywhere. I walked out farther and ducked under the waves for a brief moment. Raine stayed close to me, which was good. If she had tried to walk away from me, I just might have lost whatever control I had left.
When I stepped back into the shallow water, Raine took my hands in hers and turned them, palms up, then palms down again. I watched her fingers trail over my cracked and bloodied knuckles. It should have hurt, but I felt nothing. I needed to feel something.
I grabbed onto her hands and then ran my fingers up her arms. When I reached her shoulders, I pulled her to me, crashing my lips down to hers. She winced, and I tasted her blood on my tongue, stupidly remembering too late that her lip was split. I moved to the side of her mouth that wasn’t injured, and one of my hands wrapped around her hair. My lips moved over her jaw while my other hand dropped down to her waist and wrapped around her back. The heat from her body covered my wet skin, demanding attention. It was all I could feel – her heat, her life. It was mine. She was mine. I thought about how she looked at me in the life raft while she held my hand and cried. Visions of her laughing as I tickled her danced through my head. I remembered the sensation of joining with her for the very first time and how right it felt. I knew those men had wanted to take that from me – take her from me – and my anger and hatred came rushing back.
“I need you,” I growled and grasped her more tightly around the waist, bringing my immediately hard cock closer to her core. “Now.”
I practically shoved her down on her back in the sand and only barely stopped myself from tearing the sopping wet clothes from her back. Instead, I ripped my boxers down her legs and threw them off to the side. I yanked her shirt over her head before fumbling at the buttons of my pants. Once they were out of the way, I lay on top of her and hitched her leg up over my hip. I was buried inside her a second later.
Maybe I thought I was going to be instantly calmed once I was inside of her, but I wasn’t. If anything, I felt more desperate and volatile. They had tried to take her from me. If I had still been in the jungle…if I hadn’t gotten back to the beach in time…I would have just come back to find her gone.
“Mine,” I growled and slammed my hips against her, feeling my balls smack against her round ass as my cock rammed into her.
What would I have done? If I had come back and not been able to find her, what could I have done? I would have seen the footprints and maybe found evidence of where their boat had landed. I would have known what they were or what they likely were. She wouldn’t have left voluntarily without me, would she?
“Only I do this to you,” I hissed into her ear. “Only me! Do you understand?”
I didn’t wait for an answer; I just increased the speed of my hips as they collided with hers. Images of what they would have been doing to her now if I hadn’t shown up when I did accosted my brain. With four of them, they could have easily restrained her, held her down in the sand, and taken their time…if I had been even ten minutes later than I was, I would have seen…
“NO!” I heard myself scream. One of my arms wrapped around her shoulders while the other one dropped down to put pressure on her lower back, bringing her up and against me harder. “You’re mine…they can’t…never, ever…I won’t let anyone…”
I felt Raine’s arms coil around my shoulders and her legs wrap around my waist. Her fingers fanned out over my shoulder blades, and then gripped down on my shoulders. I didn’t slow down. Pressure began to build up in my legs, and again I felt a shooting pain behind my thigh but ignored it. I was concentrating a little higher up and was not to be distracted by something as frivolous as pain.
“Mine,” I muttered as I pounded into her again, my words keeping time with my thrusts. “You’re mine…mine…mine…no one else...ever…ever touches you…”
I was over the edge a second later, thrusting into her forcefully and muffling my screams in the crook of her neck. I shoved my hips against her a couple more times before collapsing on her body with my lips pressed to her throat. My hot breath blew out of my mouth in heavy pants, reflecting off her skin and warming my face.
My arms were still underneath her, one on the small of her back and the other between her shoulder blades. I tightened my muscles to bring her closer to me as images of the four dead bastards and what they might have done to her danced around my masochistic head. I don’t know how long we were lying like that, but as my mind returned to the present and focused on what was happening around me, I suddenly felt her trembling and realized she was crying.
Holy shit.
She wasn’t just crying, she was literally sobbing silently underneath me. Her shoulders were shaking, and when I moved off of her, regretting the cool feeling of the evening winds on my dick as I slid out of her, Raine let out a long, heart-clenching wail. She didn’t let go of my back, and her forehead was up against my shoulder. I could feel tears moistening my skin.
A thousand thoughts went through my head. Had I hurt her? The raw emotions I felt when I had to be inside of her were overwhelming and undeniably strong, and I realized I had been rough with her in my need to make her mine again. I hadn’t even made her come. I wasn’t any better than the fucker who had taken her virginity and given her nothing in return. No…I wasn’t like him. I was far, far worse. I had gone and killed four people in front of her and then fucked her to make myself feel better.
Fuck.
There had been no cheering when I killed the last of the bastards. No one was passing money back and forth with smiles and congratulations. No one was handing me a wad of cash and clapping their hands on my back. She had been crying when she pulled me away from Buzz-cut’s body. She had undoubtedly been terrified when they were holding her and probably even more frightened of me as she watched me murder four people.
Then I fucked her in the sand.
“I’m sorry, Raine…I’m so fucking sorry…” I tried to wipe tears off her cheeks, but they were coming too fast. “I didn’t mean to…”
Didn’t mean to what? Kill them? Fuck her? I did mean it. I wanted it. I needed all of it.
“You shouldn’t have watched…” I continued to stammer. “Fuck, baby…I’m so fucking sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry!”
It occurred to me that I was probably the last person she wanted around her at the moment, and she might very well be better off on her own for a while. I let go of her, feeling her slump back into the sand before I started to stand back up. Before I could move very far, her hands grabbed my wrists like shackles and she screamed.
“Don’t let go!” She continued bawling and tried to talk through the tears, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying most of the time. The only thing I could comprehend was the phrase she kept repeating: “Don’t leave me!”
“I won’t,” I said quietly. I sat back on m
y heels and dragged her up against my chest. Her arms went around my neck in a death grip that rivaled her hold on me when we were in the water.
“Tell me you got me,” I heard her whisper through her cries.
“I’ve got you, Raine,” I said. “I’ve got you. I’m so sorry…”
We sat on the sand until the sun began to set. Not knowing what else to do, I picked her up and cradled her in my arms, holding her close to my chest while I walked slowly up the sandbank to the shelter. My right leg tried to buckle again, but I trudged on. I glanced sideways at the three bodies on the beach and realized I was going to have to do something about them – probably after Raine was asleep.
Frowning at the lean-to, which was starting to sag a little more than it did when we first built it, I wished I had the new shelter completed, but I’d have to make do with what was here. I dropped down to my knees on the palm frond floor and lay Raine on her back. She kept her grip on my neck, so I lay down beside her and wrapped her up in the blanket-towels and my arms as she continued to cry quietly.
I was still in a bit of a blood-lust haze, and the combination of that familiarity and the completely unfamiliar action of trying to comfort this woman was so completely incongruous, I really didn’t know what to think or feel or say. I had to physically force my hands not to shake because the urge to kill was still running through my veins even though I knew there was no one left. This feeling was not unexpected – I always had it after a tournament, which was at least part of the reason I would spend most of the night afterwards fucking. It helped with the pent-up energy, and even some of the need for violence. This was so different, however, because even though I wanted to fuck her again, I didn’t want to feel violent towards Raine. The ambivalence was mind-blowing.
I swallowed hard and tightened my hold on her. The shaking of her limbs had slowly subsided, and she was now sniffing against my shoulder. I felt her take in a deep breath and try to let it out slowly, but it caught in her throat a couple of times, making it ragged and uneven.
I wanted to do…to do…something. At least say something, I just didn’t know what to do or say. While I contemplated, Raine sighed heavily and dropped off to sleep in my arms, letting the exhaustion overtake her. My thumb wiped the remaining tears from her face, and my lips pressed into the hair at the top of her head. I was exhausted as well and tempted to just join her in slumber, but I knew I had work to do first. Waking up to the remnants of this nightmare is not what I wanted her to do in the morning.
I snaked out from under her, hoping there would still be enough light for me to get rid of the bodies on the beach. As soon as I tried to stand, my leg gave out from under me and I had to catch myself awkwardly on my hand to keep from falling on top of her. I hissed softly and then twisted to look at the back of my thigh.
Looking at it wasn’t enough of a reminder at first, but then I thought back to right after I smashed Buzz-cut’s knee. I remembered the pressure at the back of my leg and knew I had been cut. It wasn’t horrible, but it didn’t look good, either. After shuffling a couple of feet out of the lean-to, I turned my leg to the side so I could get a better look. My fingers went to either side of the cut, pulling at it slightly to see how deep it really was. More blood began dribbling out of the wound. It needed a handful of stitches, undoubtedly. I wondered if I could do that to the back of my leg and decided I would never get the angle right. I’d have to have Raine do it.
When I looked back to her, she was on her side and completely out. There was no way I was going to wake her up at this point. I took a deep breath and pushed myself to my feet, ignoring the pain and my body’s desire to let my leg buckle. I forced my leg to take my weight and hobbled off to the beach, deciding to ignore the blood running down the back of my calf until a more opportune time presented itself. It wasn’t bleeding enough to cause any serious concern, so I didn’t worry myself with it at all.
I found our clothes still lying in the sand. At least the tide hadn’t come in and washed them away. Now that would have sucked. They were wet and sandy, so I shook them out a little before tossing them up the beach close to the small dune below the shelter before heading towards the bodies.
The bodies were easy to spot, obviously. I could see darkened pools of blood all over the sand and wondered how the fuck I was going to get all that cleaned up before morning. I sighed and debated the best course of action for the corpses. Toss them out to sea, and they just might end up washed back on shore. Raine didn’t need to see that. I decided on cremation and started pulling the bodies together on the beach.
The stench was just fucking incredible. I shook my head as if that would make the smell dissipate from the air around me. I dragged the final body – Dreadlocks – over to the burning pile. Like a fucking sledgehammer, it hit me that he had had his hand on her breast. I lost it. I completely and totally lost it.
My fists flew out, pounding flesh and bone into the sand. My hand opened and clawed at his skin, scarring and tearing at it. I retrieved my jackknife from his neck and cut the skin around his head, ripping the coiled hair away and flinging it into the fire where it sizzled and added to the stench.
By the time I was coherent enough to try and calm myself, the scraps of flesh in front of me were no longer recognizable as human. It didn’t help. I wished he’d magically spring back to life so I could make him hurt again. I wanted to tear out his entrails and shove them down his throat while he choked. I wanted to slice off each finger that had made contact with her skin, one knuckle at a time, and pound them into his skull with a fucking hammer.
Looking down, I noticed I was not only still naked but covered in thick, coagulated blood again. I pushed myself off what was left of Dreadlocks and threw the scraps into the huge fire. Once he was burning nicely, my feet carried me back down the beach and to the water’s edge. I went into the water to wash the blood off and ran through the last few hours in my head primarily from the time Raine stopped me from further mutilating a corpse on the beach to carrying her back to the shelter.
I had to be the biggest dick to ever live.
After everything she had been through – and I didn’t even know what they might have done or said before I got there – I threw her down in the sand and fucked her like a common fucking whore. I sure was a hell of a catch. Note sarcasm. I had to be the worst fucking…what was I? Her boyfriend? Girlfriend wasn’t enough to describe what she was to me, and I had probably just fucking ruined it like the stupid motherfucker I was. I wondered if I could manage to beat myself up like that guy in Fight Club did in front of his boss.
Growling at myself, I stomped up the beach, pulled on my nearly dry shorts, and tossed my belt over my shoulder. The back of my leg stung from the contact with the saltwater, but I deserved whatever fucking pain I had because I was such an ass. Actually, I undoubtedly deserved a lot more.
Raine’s bloodcurdling scream brought me out of my musings. Despite the pain in my leg, I ran back to the shelter.
“Raine! Raine, what is it?”
“Bastian!” she screamed again and threw her arms around my neck. The sobs and shakes were back, and I could barely stay upright between my injured leg and her added weight. “You were gone…you were gone…”
“Jesus, Raine, I’m sorry,” I stammered. After never uttering a single apology in my entire adult life, how many fucking times had I said “sorry” to her automatically in the past few hours? “I was just down the beach, baby. I wasn’t far.”
“Don’t leave me!”
“I won’t, baby,” I maneuvered her back onto the fronds on the ground and lay beside her, trying not to wince too much. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, I swear.”
“Tell me you got me!”
“I’ve got you.” I held her head against the crook of my neck and shoulder and whispered into her ear, “I’ve got you. Baby, you’re safe. Don’t be scared. I’ve got you.”
I closed my eyes and just held her against me, telling her over and over again t
hat I had her – she was safe. I moved her so she was on her side, but I was still over the top of her, keeping her warm and surrounding her body with my own. I wrapped my arms and even one of my legs over her, cocooning her in my embrace and holding her as tightly as I dared. Outside the shelter, I could still hear the crackling and see the flickering light of the macabre bonfire on the beach.
“Why did you build a fire?” Raine asked softly, her eyes still hidden in my neck.
“Just a little cleanup,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask any more of her usual questions but knowing she would anyway.
“You burned the bodies?” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“Yeah.” I sighed heavily and waited for the next barrage of questions.
She was quiet for all of about thirty seconds.
“What about the bones?”
Of all the ridiculous things to harp on, she decides to wonder which body parts are going to burn best.
“I’ll get rid of them when the fire’s out.”
Again, another thirty seconds of blissful silence.
“Who were they?” she asked, her fingers digging even deeper into the skin of my shoulders. I shook my head, not really wanting to give her my assumption on the matter. Even though I had told her about all the shit I did, and she now knew some of the sordid details of life outside the law, I didn’t want her to know everything. I didn’t want to tell her about the stuff that was, in my opinion, much worse, the kind of shit I wouldn’t touch no matter what the stakes or the payoff, but I knew plenty of people who did.
“Hard to say,” I shrugged. I tried to brush it off, but she wasn’t buying it. Apparently, I was a fucking shitty liar when it came to her.