by Tia Lewis
“The number!” she growled. “The number! Now! Liam! The number! Don’t you pass out before you give me that number!”
“You’ll have to call... from a payphone... won’t answer... otherwise...”
“No shit! Do you think I have a cell phone down my cleavage or something? Just give me the fucking number!”
I sighed, darkness closing in on me. My eyelids were like two bricks weighing me down, tugging me to sleep. They closed, and darkness consumed me. My breathing became shallow and I accepted the fact my body was finally giving up on me. I was no prince charming. No Superman. No knight in shining armour. I was Liam Hunter. A contract killer from South Boston who failed at protecting the woman who I loved and for that I would be punished.
“No!” Tess growled.
She grabbed my eyes and pushed them open. She held my eyelids to my eyebrows, pinning them up.
“I don’t care if this hurts!” she snapped. “You’re not going until I get that number!”
I wheezed, tears and blood blurring my vision, making Tess appear more like a vengeful angel than a woman in a skimpy red dress.
“Ask for... special… lap dance… service...”
“Okay, okay! The number! Come on, Liam! Wake up!”
“I’m sorry… I failed… to be your… bodyguard.”
“Just give me the number, Liam. I’m begging you.” Tess weeped.
I coughed, speaking the number so quietly it was like a hushed whisper on the wind.
“Okay, okay! I’m going to find payphone and call right now. Stay awake, Liam! Stay awake!” I could hear Tess shout as she ran out the alley.
“I love you, Tess.”
Then my eyes closed, breathing stopped and I sunk gratefully into the blackness towards Kevin.
20
The abyss.
I floated toward the pit of darkness which had opened up inside of me. I was vaguely aware that somewhere, far away, Tess was whispering to me and I was whispering back to her. I knew I was telling the phone number to the Fixer to her, and Tommy Green would be on the way, but I didn't hold out much hope that this would do any good. After all, I was a contract killer, and it was a killer's destiny to die, bleed and end my life in the dirt where I belonged.
“So, I finally made it. This is what death looks like.”
“Not something to be proud of, brother.” Kevin replied.
“I’m not proud of it. Leaving the woman I love is not something to be proud of. In fact, I feel horrible. Worthless. How can you still want me, brother?” I asked Kevin. “How can you still want me after everything I have done? How can you still stand the sight of me?”
“We're blood and you’re my big brother,” Kevin said. “That's all there is to it.”
I floated through the darkness, and now Tess' voice receded completely. One moment it was loud, filling the air around me. The next it was replaced by distant click-click-clicking. I imagined Tess running down an alley far away, trying in vain to get some help.
Looking around me, I saw black hills rolling in a horizon. A black desert was beneath me, and I floated through stormy black clouds. Out of the hole, which grew larger each moment, Kevin's small, trembling hands stretched, reaching toward me. I glided as hard as I could, struggling to push aside the black clouds. Nothing mattered but reaching that blackness. My entire life had been a road to this moment. I would reunite with Kevin, and I would pay for what I had done. I would rest my head on my little brother's shoulder and cry tears of blood and beg for his forgiveness for what I did to him that one fateful night.
I could hear faint voices around me but I turned away from them, drifted and pushed toward my little brother's reaching fingers. Far away, in a different land where the sky was blue but my heart was still black, I could barely see somebody piercing and threading my skin with a needle as though they could put me back together. But what they didn't realize was I could never be put back together.
A small beam of light appeared in the black sky, a light which caused me to slam my eyes shut and float downward, further into the blackness.
“It's dark down here,” Kevin called up. “It's very dark, big brother.”
“I can see,” I said. “I'm sorry, Kevin. I can't tell you how sorry I am.”
“You can't come down here. It's too dark.”
“Why not? What is it, Kevin? Why are you down here? You were a good kid, a hell of a good boy. You were the best kid I ever knew. You would've been something special. You would've been something great, much greater than me. And instead, you're down here, rotting.”
“Oh, I'm not really down here,” Kevin said, in the voice of a man explaining something to a child. If I peeped through the black hole at the right angle, I could see the top of Kevin's head, hunched over in the cramped space. “I'm in the ground, where the State of Boston buried me. I know, I know, you wish you could've arranged my funeral, but you were just a kid yourself. Kids don’t plan funerals let alone have the money to pay for it. With our father being gone no one had the money to pay for proper funeral.”
“I know,” I grumbled.
I floated down to the ground and reached out. I grasped Kevin's hand, wrapping my fingers around my little brother's small, shaking fingertips. They were ice-cold to the touch, like a streetlamp in winter; I felt my skin sticking to his. I knew that if he tried to pull away, I wouldn't be able to.
“Let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about Tess. I like her a lot, brother,” Kevin said. “I’ve never seen you happier before in my life.”
“Yeah, she does make me happy.”
“I know you love her.” Kevin said. “You don't understand how or why, but you love her.”
“I do,” I agreed. “But what use is it now? I’m dead. I failed her just like I failed you.”
“You’re not dead yet.”
“I accepted my defeat. You need to make some room for me down there, little brother.”
“You don't know where 'down there' is, yet.”
“Tell me then, so I can join you.”
Kevin loosened his grip and pulled his hands away. I groaned as skin tore, my hands coming away raw and red.
“It's your heart,” Kevin said, withdrawing his hands.
“You’re located in my heart?”
“Yes. All your life, I've been in there. In your heart and in your mind. And look at what it's become. All of it. Look at the wrecked hills, the sick air, and the decaying Nothing. Holding me in your heart has done this to you. And do you want to know something funny, big brother? Since you met that woman, this place has been changing.”
“Changing into what?”
“Well, every so often, I will see a tree, with green leaves, surrounded by red roses which blaze like starlight. Every so often I will see a deer bounding across the hills, and blades of glass will thrust aside the ash and stretch upward toward a sun. Yes, brother, a sun! A sun! Imagine, light in your heart. I know you say I should be tough, but I cried when I first saw the sunlight down here. I can't always be tough, but I try, but... There was one point when it was covered in green, completely covered, but that was only briefly. I think it was when you were... you know... the “thing” grownups do.”
“Sex?”
“Eww, gross! Don’t talk about that!”
I laughed. “I was pretty damn happy,” I admitted.
“So you see. Your heart went from darkness to light every since you met Tess. From decay to vibrant flowers to sunny skies.”
“Wow,” I said. “But there's one problem, brother.”
“What's that?”
“This place will never stay green or pure, if it's really my heart,” I said, rubbing my raw hands together. “Never.”
“You're wrong,” Kevin said. “That kind, brave, intelligent, beautiful woman has changed you.”
“Then if she has changed me then why am I in the abyss? Why is it black everywhere and not sunny skies that you speak about? I'm down here, and it's all black and dead.”
&n
bsp; “It's because, you foolish man, you are leaving her. You are dying.”
“Not much I can do about that. Fucking Zharkov cut me deep, gashed my face, back, and my arms. He stabbed in the chest so many times that I lost count. And that ain't the first blood I've tasted today, either. I'm tired and sick of blood, and I just wanna climb in there with you.”
“That's not happening.” Kevin crouched deeper into the hole until I could only see a few strands of his hair. “Today isn't the day you join me. Today isn’t the day that you die. Yes, you’re dying but you’re dead yet. So, do me a favor and go back to her so I can have some life down here. Do you want to force me to live in Hell, brother, when you could just as easily allow me to live in Heaven?”
“I’m not one for religion, Kevin, you know that. As far as I can tell, religion isn’t built for the likes of me. If there is a Hell, I'm going there already—a one-way ticket straight there. I've been on the Highway to Hell my whole life.”
“I know you don't care for religion. Neither do I, big brother. Neither do I. But this isn't religion. This is brotherhood. But sometimes you have to let your brother go. There's comes a point in life when brothers can't be like they were when they were kids. We were close, we had to be due to the circumstances our father put us thought, but it can't be like that forever. You need to make that lovely woman your focus now. You need to love her. Just... just stop being so detached and tough and love her, brother!”
“Are you saying she'll replace you? Is that what you mean?”
“No,” Kevin laughed. “I'm saying she already has.”
Kevin ducked even lower, the top of his head disappearing altogether.
“No!” I roared, gliding to the hole. “Where are you going? Don’t leave yet!”
It began to close, slowly at first, but by the time I reached it, it had sealed shut.
I clawed at the black sand, clawing my way into the darkness to get to my brother.
“No! No! No!”
Suddenly, the strength seeped from me. I couldn't dig anymore. I slumped down onto my back and looked up at the black clouds. The beam of light was closing, but I thought I could see...
Tess.
Tess was looking down at me, her bright blue eyes huge in the sky, and her perfect lips was twisted.
“I'm sorry,” I muttered, closing my eyes. “I'm sorry, Tess, really, I'm sorry for dying. But let me tell you. My brother’s right. You’re my focus. Always.”
I closed my eyes, and the black sand softened and I sunk deeper and deeper until I was buried in the sand.
21
The ceiling was clean and white—not a shield of black clouds like I had expected—and the air was fresh and smelt of lavender. I couldn't see the rest of the room, but when I opened my eyes, I saw Tess, wide-eyed, staring down at me. She was wearing a red hoodie and gray sweatpants. Her face was puffy, red, and her eyes were bloodshot.
“Kevin? Kevin?” I blinked. “Am I still dead?”
I went to lean up, but Tess placed her hand on my chest.
“Not yet,” she said. “Not until he says it's safe and no you’re not dead.”
“Okay… Until who says?” I asked, but my voice was a mouse's whisper. My mouth was dry, and my lips were chapped.
“Be patient,” Tess just shook her head slowly. “You're safe.”
She walked out of my vision and returned with a glass of water. I eyed it as if it was a magical elixir. I hadn't realized how thirsty I was until I saw something which could quench it.
“Drink this.” She held the water to my lips and tipped the glass. I swallowed greedily, not caring that it dripped down my face and onto the sheets. I gulped until the glass was empty and then grunted: More.
Tess went for more water, and I drank an entire glass again.
“Thank you.” I gasped.
“You’re welcome.” Tess smiled.
I tried to lick my lips, but I felt the wound in my face tugging, so I closed my mouth.
“Where am I?” I whispered, moving my lips as little as possible.
“One of Tommy's safe houses. Your Fixer,” Tess said. “I love his accent. I’ve always wanted to travel to Jamaica.”
“How much?” I breathed. “How much is he...”
“Two hundred thousand,” Tess said, stone-faced. “But you have plenty of money left. And I would've given him all of it, to be honest. What use is money if you're dead?”
“We,” I corrected.
“What?” She leaned over, so her ear was close to my lips.
“You said I have plenty of money left,” I whispered, my throat aching, my voice hoarse. “We have a lot left.”
“Okay, then,” Tess smiled. She smoothed her hand over my forehead. “We.”
The next time I woke, Tommy Green was staring down at me.
“Gud Mawning!
“Hey, Tommy.” I smiled.
“Yuh live, mon, yuh live!”
“Seems like it,” I said, still unable to lean up. “I can't move, though. I don't like being on my back like this, you know. I guess you could say I'm an on-top kind of man.”
“Oh, yaah wah tough, tough mon! Mi kno, mi know! But doctor's ordas!”
Tommy was wearing a green baseball cap backward on his head, his hair poking through the hole in the front. His t-shirt read 420, a picture of a marijuana leaf printed on it, and a gold watch glittered on his wrist.
“Where are we?” I said.
“Mi safe house.”
“Yeah, but where?”
“Concord. Just one of mi likkle hideaways! Fi wah yuh paying, yuh get di deluxe package! Ha-ha-ha!”
“When will I be fixed, Tommy?”
“A week, two. Sup'm rotten was inside yuh! Di docta say sup'm dutty get inna one of di cuts wen yuh collapsed inna di alley. Yuh was nearly dead there fi a while, mon.”
“I thought I was dead,” I said. “And I wasn't even that sad.”
Tommy nodded, but he clearly didn't know what to say. He backed away and then called from across the room.
“Get sum rest, mon. Mi ah about to touch di road now. Bless up.”
“Thank you.”
I drifted in and out of consciousness for a long time, feeling more like a man on a raft riding the waves than a man laid up in a house in Concord. Most of the time, Tess was there. She would pull up a stool beside the bed and offer me drinks of water and crackers which I could nibble on. I hungered for meat, but moving my jaw too much would mess up the healing on my face, apparently nor would my stomach allow it at this time. The doctor was the skittish type and never entered the room when I was awake. It seemed like he knew of me and didn't want his face seen. After what I had done, I could hardly blame him.
Which makes it all the stranger that Tess cares so damn much for me, I thought.
Once, I awoke, and it was nighttime. I still had no idea of what the room looked like, only the smooth, clean ceiling. Tonight, the ceiling was pale blue from moonlight. I was about to close my eyes when a thought occurred to me. I hadn't heard Kevin's voice for a long time. I kept my eyes open and gazed at the blue-lit ceiling.
Brother? I called. Brother, are you there? Kevin?
I threw the thoughts out, again and again, desperate for Kevin to hear me, desperate for my brother to come back to me, but I felt it, inside: in that deep dark place which was my heart and Kevin's prison. He wasn't listening and was either too busy with the deer, the trees, and the clear blue skies, or he knew that I didn't need him anymore. I had Tess, and he had to admit that Tess was damn amazing, in about every way he could think of.
I get it, I thought. I get it, brother. I guess I should tell her now. I suppose I should let her know the kind of monster she's shackled herself to. I suppose I should let her know the truth. It’s time.
For some odd reason, I smiled at the thought of that. Maybe because it meant somebody else would know and I wouldn't have to carry the secret alone anymore. Maybe because it was eating me like maggots through my insides. I gulped. I
knew what he had to do.
It was time to tell her what really happened to Kevin.
Time had started to lose all meaning when I was floating upon the waves: receding in and out of consciousness.
The day on which I was finally able to sit up was the second day of October, hardly a month after I had met Tess, and yet it might as well have been ten or twenty years for all the changes that had been brought upon us. Like molten metal being pounded and reshaped, Tess and I had reshaped each other.
The improvised hospital ward was a long, thin room with a metal chair in the corner, a picture of a flower vase on the opposite wall, and a chest of drawers beneath the picture. The walls were cream, and the only other decoration was a stock photograph of a child flying a kite which stood on the dresser. The only other furnishing was the brown stool which rested beside my bed.
I was hooked up like a robot, wires in my arms attached to monitors and clear bags. But this was the last day of that, I had been told. The frightened doctor still didn’t want me to see his face, so when I walked into the room, he looked damn stupid, and that was putting it mildly. From what I could tell, he was a short, reedy man. But that was about it. He wore thick combat boots, a long, white lab coat buttoned all the way up, blue plastic gloves and a large white furry rabbit mask which covered his face and neck.
“Hello… doctor,” I laughed, the skin tugging only slightly now. “Nice mask.”
“Hmm,” the doctor said, nodding.
“I get it,” I said. “Lots of people are scared of me, but honestly, the Big Bad Wolf isn’t so bad once you get to know him.”
“Hmm,” the doctor said.
“You're not a talkative sort of guy, huh? I get that, too.”
I fell silent as the doctor removed the tubes, turned off the machines, and bustled out of the room. I didn't care too much who the man was, only that he had saved my life. He was at the door, back turned when I called out: “Wait a second.”
The man's back rose and fell as he sighed. He turned, his eyes shadowed in the animal mask, peering out at me. “Talk to Tess on your way out. Tell her I said to give you fifty grand as a bonus.”