by Dani Hart
"I would never…I could never…" I couldn't finish. I had…I had tried to kill myself, and just because I didn't have my memories, didn't mean I didn't have it in me to try again.
"We'll make sure she sees one right away," Brandt spoke up.
Everything was happening so fast. The only world I knew for the last few days was spinning out of control, and I didn't know how to stop it. "Will my memories ever return?"
"I’m hopeful, but it's on the psychological realm and not something I specialize in. That's why it's really important for you to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. It's a good sign that you already remembered something.”
She stood up, grabbed a piece of paper, and handed it to me. "She's a good doctor. If anyone can help you, she can. I already filled her in on your case, so she's expecting you."
I took the paper. "Thank you."
Brandt helped me up, and I walked out of the office hidden in the protection of his embrace. What did he think of me now? I was a nut case who had tried to kill herself. I gave Grady and him less than twenty-four hours to kick me out of their house…and their lives.
I felt like I was going to be sick. "I need a bathroom."
"There's one right…"
"Brandt?" Dr. Surai headed down the hallway toward us.
"Go. I'll talk to her."
I nodded and raced to the bathroom, holding my mouth. I just barely made it to the sink. I turned on the water to drown out the sound and then cleaned up afterward. When I finally rejoined Brandt in the hallway, you would have thought he was the one who had just been sick. He was as white as a ghost.
"Is everything okay? What did the doctor need?"
"Oh, nothing. She just wanted to make sure we had her card if we had any other questions."
"Are you sure, because you looked a whole lot less ghostly a few minutes ago?"
"Everything's fine. Come on. Let's get you home."
Second Chances
I LAID MY head on the headrest and stared out the car window, watching everything speed by in a blur just like my thoughts. I kept the window down to muffle the sounds of the world that flooded me from the inside out. My perfect day with Brandt was ruined, and now I was left trying to figure out what would be so awful that I would try to kill myself, and I wondered if it was connected to the man in my memory. The man I thought I loved. Did he die, or did he just abandon me? Somebody left me at that hospital and it could have been him.
"Is there anything I can do?"
I shook my head, unable to talk. Talking would lead to him telling me I needed to find somewhere else to go. Talking led to more pain. He didn't say another word as I chewed on my fingers and wiped away each tear before it fell.
I thought he would take me back to the house, but instead, he drove me to Ki's, the restaurant from the other night. "I'm not hungry," I muttered.
"Well, I am, and you have to eat something."
"I don't think I can…I can't be around people right now." I was defeated.
"I know. Please, trust me."
He pulled me out of the car and grabbed a blanket out of the back seat, throwing it over his shoulder. Taking my hand, he guided me around the side of the restaurant onto the sand and laid the blanket out in front of a fire pit.
"Sit," he said gently.
I sat down and tucked my knees to my chest.
"I'll be right back," he said as he turned and ran to the restaurant.
Being alone released a surmounting tension that had been building since we left the zoo. It hurt my chest and my stomach and my head. Who tries to kill themselves when there are so many out there fighting to survive? Even though it was a warm summer evening, my body shivered. I wrapped my arms tighter around my legs as if that could hold in the last part of me that seemed to be hanging on. I was mentally unhealthy and could possibly attempt suicide again. That was what Dr. Surai was implying. I needed help before I tried it again.
Brandt walked back from the restaurant, lighting the pit silently, and then sat on the blanket next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
"I ordered us some food. They'll bring it down."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked as I rested my head over my arms that crossed lazily on my bent knees.
"Because I can."
"Is that like a thing between you and your brother? He said that to me, too."
"Our parents used to say that to us…" The last few words trailed off.
I didn't want to ask about their parents the other night because Grady had already mentioned them being gone. "What happened?" I asked. He exhaled deeply and retrieved his arm to allow his hands to fidget nervously. "You don't have to tell me."
"No, it's okay. I think after today it's only fair you know something about me."
I waited until he was ready, both of us staring at the fire—or more like through it.
"There was a bad train accident. It took a lot of lives, including my parents."
My skin pebbled. "When?" I pressed gently.
"It's been almost a year."
"I'm so sorry. Where did this happen?"
"In the valley where we used to live. Grady and I moved a couple of months after. The whole community was affected. Hundreds were injured, and a few dozen died. The pain was all over the city. Memorials and fliers. Posters. I couldn't take seeing it at every turn. We needed a fresh start, so Grady and I moved out here to Cliffside. No one knew us, and it was far enough away that we didn’t hear about the accident again."
"That's horrible." This must be what haunted them.
"It wasn't easy leaving the place where we grew up, but we thought it was the best thing for us."
"It looks like you guys are doing pretty well, present company excluded."
"Don't say that. Ever. Please. You gave my brother and me purpose again. We both had lost so much in that accident."
My stomach turned. It sounded like there was more to the story, but I was too scared to ask. "Why were they on the train?"
Another tortured deep breath escaped him. "We were taking a trip north to celebrate Grady's girlfriend's acceptance into a college there."
"We? You were on the train?"
"Yes, we all were."
That was when I really saw Brandt. He was vulnerable and defeated and he was still grieving. They both were.
"Grady and Tessa were going to get married while we were up there. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but we loved her, so we all jumped on board, so to speak."
"Was Tessa's family with you, too?"
"Yeah. She and an older sister. We were all pretty close since Grady and Tessa had been together since freshman year of high school. We were one big happy family."
Hearing the pain in his words was heartbreaking. "Did her sister…?" I couldn't even finish.
"Yeah, she’s gone." His arms were draped on his knees as he recanted the worst year of his life.
"Is that who I remind you of? Them?"
"Yes, there are a lot of similarities between you and the sisters."
I put my arm over his shoulders and rested my head on him. "I'm sorry."
"So am I. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about them. Time will never heal. That's such a stupid saying. It only coats the pain temporarily. There are always leaks I'm sealing up when something reminds me of them. It doesn't hurt any less. It never will. Time is torture. That's all it is." He snatched a handful of sand and threw it at the fire.
The hostess, Natasha, who greeted us the other night, came out with two other boys and trays full of food.
"Just put them out on the blanket," Brandt instructed.
They quickly placed the spread in front of us.
"What, no wine?" I teased. They had left behind large bottles of water and a couple of plastic cups.
"I think you had enough wine for the month."
"I think so, too."
We shared a cleansing laugh.
"Will you eat with me?" he begged.
"Yeah," I said
as I picked up a fry and shoved it into my mouth. We sat quietly for a little bit as we nibbled on the food and watched the fire crackle under the stars. "This is kind of cool," I finally said.
"It is, isn't it?" He smiled.
My thoughts kept returning to how lucky I was they found me.
"What are you thinking about?" He looked at me curiously.
"I tried to kill myself."
"But you're here."
"I am."
"Will you stay?"
"I feel like this is my second chance, and I needed to let go of the past in order to have it."
"I think so, too. A second chance for all of us." He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.
It felt nice to be wanted, especially after hearing I was left for dead. Sitting here on the beach with Brandt just felt right. He never judged me. He never questioned me. He just accepted me. Broken and all.
"Can I ask you something?" He was cautious.
"Of course."
"What was the memory of?" My eyes widened and my chest tightened. "You don't have to tell me, but I'd like to know, if you're okay sharing."
I started twirling my finger around my hair again. "It was when you were kissing me. I remembered someone." I looked at him with my big blue eyes, asking him silently if he wanted me to tell him more. He didn't say anything, so I continued, "It was a man. I was kissing him, and I could feel that I loved him." I tore my eyes away from him, feeling guilty. I didn't want to hurt him, but most of all, I didn't want to lose him.
"I see. It's okay, you know? I understand helping you find out who you are might not fare well for me, but I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for you. Even if it means I will be handing you over to someone else in the end."
My eyes went back to him. His kindness was unwavering and possibly undeserving. "Thank you," was all I could say.
He moved in close, putting his face only inches from mine, and took my chin carefully in his hand, forcing me to look at him. "No matter what," he whispered and then kissed me gently on the forehead.
Every time he touched me, I wanted to pretend he was that man. That he was my past and future. And while my body was saying to let him kiss me, to claim my heart as his, I couldn't.
He put a little space between us. "I think we should start looking into your past tomorrow. We can start on the internet. Maybe we'll figure out something there."
"Okay," I agreed.
After we were done eating, we gathered everything into a pile for the staff to pick up, and Brandt threw sand onto the fire to extinguish it, and drove me home. It was hard not inviting him in after everything we shared, and when I said goodbye and closed the door, I pounded my head on it lightly, wishing I had.
"Head pounding can cause head trauma." I heard from behind me, startling me.
"Grady, what the hell?" I clutched my chest. “You scared me.”
"Sorry, Freckles. I didn't mean to. Brandt called me from the restaurant and asked if I would stay with you tonight."
Brandt was afraid for me. Did he think I would try to kill myself again? "Did he really ask you to babysit me?"
"Last time I looked, you seemed well over the age of thirteen." He walked over to me. "Look, he told me what happened today, and he didn't want you to be alone. And apparently, he didn't think he was capable of being alone with you all night without tearing your clothes off, so voilà. I'm here."
I started laughing. "Did he really say that?"
"Actually, yes, but you better not tell him I told you that."
"Pinky swear," I said with my pinky out.
He grabbed my pinky in his. "Pinky swear. Now, let's get me a drink," he said as he headed toward the kitchen.
"Oh, so you're that brother." I followed him into the kitchen.
"Yep, but none for you this time." He pulled a bottle of vodka out of a paper bag.
"Wow, okay, so you're going for drunk."
"No, you don't understand. Vodka is the one alcohol you can drink a lot of and not get sick like you did with wine, little missy."
"Okay, since apparently you're not letting me drink, I'll take your word for it."
He poured himself straight vodka. I had a feeling he wasn't supposed to be drinking after the exchange he and Brandt had at the restaurant, but it wasn't any of my business until one of them made it my business.
We went out back to sit. "I love this weather," I commented.
"Yeah. So Cal's infamous Santa Ana winds." He raised his glass to the sky. "Cheers," he said and then took a big gulp.
"You know what I find the strangest about losing my memories?"
"What?"
"That I remember things like these winds, but not how I felt about them. If I liked them or not, but the rest of the memory is there."
"What did the doctor say exactly?"
"Not much. That I needed to go to a psychiatrist. She might be able to help me remember."
"You don't sound so convinced that you want to remember."
“If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if I want to remember stuff that had me wanting to kill myself. Before she told me that, I just wanted everything back, but now…"
"You're afraid."
"Yeah. I mean, what if this is what the universe wanted for me? What if I was brought back to start over and do something magnificent? I could be ruining the universe's master plan by getting back the past."
"What? Like you're some sort of super hero, and you're going to save the world?" His serious tone melted quickly and was replaced by a loud chuckle.
"Shut up. I can't believe you're making fun of a mental patient."
We laughed together for another minute. "Why is this so easy?" I waved my hand between us.
"What do you mean?"
"You and me. It's so easy."
"Is it not easy with Brandt?"
I paused for the right words. "It's natural, but complicated."
"Because you like him. When has love ever not been complicated?"
That reminded me. "Can I ask you something?"
"Oh, no. I'm not sure if I like the sound of that tone."
"You said you were taken." I paused, allowing him time to stop me, but he didn't. "Were you talking about Tessa?"
He drank what was left in his glass and set it down loudly onto the table.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I didn't mean to upset you."
He rubbed his face hard before he said anything. "No, it's okay. I just haven't talked about her in a long time. Brandt and I don't talk about what happened. When we moved out here, we just kind of cut that out of our lives."
"You don't have to talk about it."
"No, it's not that. I've been wanting to talk about her, but I wasn't the only one who lost loved ones that day, so I let Brandt deal with it in his way. I dealt with it in mine." He held up the glass.
"So, that's what the other night was about?"
"You caught that, huh? I'm impressed, with how drunk you were. It got pretty bad for a while. I got help, and I stopped. That night out with you was my first drink in six months."
"That's not good," I responded sadly.
"It's fine. My head is in a different place now."
I knew he believed that, but I wasn't so convinced. "You didn't answer my question."
"I guess I didn't. Yes, I was talking about Tessa." He stood up. "I'm going to fill her up." He lifted his glass again. "I'll be right back."
I watched as he retreated inside. Ugh! I was bringing back all the horrible things they had been running from. I was tearing them down while they were trying to lift me up. A loud crash had me off my feet in a split second and running through the slider to find Grady sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest, the glass of vodka splattered on the kitchen wall, and shards of glass scattered on the floor. I ran to his side, carefully avoiding the glass the best I could, and wrapped myself around him. He was shaking violently, and sobs filled the space around us.
"I'm so sorry, Grady. I'm so sorry
." I didn't know what else to say. He was still grieving the loss of the only woman he had ever loved and his parents and who knew who else. All I could do was be there for him, like he was for me. He leaned into me and let me hold him, letting me try to mend his shredded heart…letting me just be there. Something I had a feeling he needed.
He looked up at me, and the pain hidden within his eyes nearly broke me down to tears. He suddenly grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. He kissed me hard with all the pain he was feeling. He kissed me fervently with all the love he had for Tessa. He kissed me, and I let him. If this was what he needed, I would give it to him.
He pulled away. "Dammit!" he shouted to himself. He got up and stormed out the front door.
"Grady, stop." My shoes crunched over the glass as I raced after him, catching his arm just before he got into his car. "Stop, please. It's okay." He wouldn't look at me. "Look at me, Grady. Please." He slowly faced me. "I'm not mad. It's okay."
"Dammit, Freckles. You remind me so much of her. I miss the hell out of her." He held back more tears.
"I know you do. I know. I can't bring her back, Grady. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could make it better." The way he looked at me made me cringe, like I had violated him.
"Me, too."
That was it. He got into his car and drove away, leaving me baffled.
What was I doing to these boys?
Brandt said I saved them, but all I saw was that I was condemning them to reliving a past they spent the last year eluding. I hated admitting it, but I needed to leave. I needed to do this on my own. I needed to figure out who I was and who that man was that loved me so much. I needed to find me…by myself.
Blood and Vodka
Going to sleep after Grady left was impossible. I cleaned up the broken glass, cutting my hand in the process. I sat on the kitchen floor, dazed and exhausted, watching the blood drip onto the hardwood.
Drip, drip, drip.
It was morbid, causing me to think about my suicide attempt. Was it this easy? Just do it and watch? Not that this cut would kill me, but I wondered if this was what I did after I took the pills and got into a bathtub or jumped into the ocean or whatever.
Drip, drip, drip.