by Dani Hart
"You're pregnant? But we just… Are you sure?" There was a renewed hope glowing in his eyes.
"I have to get it confirmed, but I think so."
"It hasn't even been two weeks since we…"
"I know, and it wouldn't have even crossed my mind, but the psychiatrist encouraged me to test before I started the medication. I grabbed a test when I got my pills, and I took it when you were gone."
"Why didn't you call me?" His face scrunched in disapproval.
"I wanted to be sure first." I put my head down and sneaked a glance at Grady. He didn't mean to corner me. He was just hurting, and any anchor to reality was a risk worth taking. He got up, walked past us without a word, and slammed the front door closed as he left, causing me to jump again.
"Please, don't be mad at him, Brandt. He's grasping at anything he can to come back to us, but I knew this was going to be a problem. It's not me he has feelings for. You have to believe that. I just look too much like her. He's not going to be able to move on being around me. Around us."
He sighed loudly as he sat back against the couch. He buried his hand in his hair nervously. "I know, but I'm all he has."
I took his hand. "We'll figure this out. Together."
He turned and smiled. "We're going to have a baby."
I returned the smile. "We're having a baby."
Grady returned late that night. I heard him stumbling around as Brandt and I lay in bed. I cried quietly so Brandt wouldn't hear. I wanted to go out and talk to him before the morning, but I knew it was a bad idea. I needed to stick to the plan. Brandt and I were going to talk to him in the morning together. More changes were coming. Some bad, some good. I just hoped one day we would all be together again.
I WOKE UP before Brandt. The sun was just rising, so I slid out and left the room to make coffee. Grady's door was open. My heart dropped. "Brandt!" I shouted. "Brandt, wake up." My voice was shaking. Brandt raced out of the room.
"No," he said. He rushed to my side.
"He's gone," I muttered. The closet and bathroom were empty. "Did he, at least, leave a note?"
Brandt searched the apartment, but only found Grady's cell phone.
"But how are we going to get in touch with him?" I asked, horrified.
"I think that was the idea, Bay. We can't."
I shook my head in disbelief. He cut us out. He was gone. He was doing this alone.
"This is what we wanted. He needs to move on." Brandt was trying to reassure me, or maybe he said it for himself.
"I know, but not like this. Not angry. Not with no way to reach him. How will we know if something happens to him?" Another thought pierced me. "How will he know when I'm having the baby?" Tears welled in my eyes.
Brandt walked over and took me in his arms. "He'll be back, Bay. He loves us. He just needs time. He'll be back."
But he didn't come back. He didn't call. Brandt and I had finally gone back to my parents' house, but in the end, it was just easier to have an estate sale. I packed up important papers—which wasn't more than a box—photo albums, and a few things I had to keep. I kept one of my mom's necklaces my dad gave her on their first anniversary. It was a simple silver circle tag with their initials engraved on it. She wore it all the time, but not the weekend they died.
It was strange, but I kept my sister's iPod. She was glued to her music, and I knew every time I listened to her playlists, I would picture her lying on her bed doing homework and singing off-key.
I kept a few articles of clothing that smelled like each of them and then donated the rest. I was doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. It took a few weeks to do it, but I did it, and now the house was empty.
I stood on the front lawn and stared at the For Sale sign. I had debated on keeping it, but I would never be the same person that grew up in that house, whether I was in it or not, and it wasn't home without them, so I let it go. Brandt put his arm around my shoulders.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay. It's surreal standing here outside my own house and feeling like a stranger."
"We'll make a new home together somewhere else."
"I know."
He rested his hand on my belly. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy. I was four weeks. I hadn't imagined having a baby so soon, but I was ecstatic. A family was something I’d always wanted, and I considered this to be a fate baby. It was meant to be, and it gave me a reason to live. A reason to find happiness again. Purpose.
"I miss Grady," I whispered.
"Me, too, Bay. Me, too."
I thought about him so often it was unhealthy. I feared the worst but hoped for the best. I wanted him to find his purpose again. To learn how to live without Tessa, but I was also selfish and wanted him here with us. I wanted our baby to have an uncle, but I couldn't be sure he would ever return.
"I have a surprise for you."
"You do?" He was always great at lightening the mood.
We drove back to his apartment. He reached over and took my hand. It took time for little things like this to become natural again, and I was glad they had. He caressed my hand with his thumb as he held it close to him. When we pulled into the parking lot, there was a moving truck in front, and two men were loading it with furniture.
"Is that our bed?"
"Surprise," he announced.
"Surprise what? Are we moving?" Oh, no. We couldn't be moving.
"Yep, are you excited?"
My face held every expression except excitement. I was a mess. I was scared, nauseous, and most definitely, not excited. "Grady won't be able to find us," I managed to choke out.
Brandt's smile dropped. "Bay, we can't live based on what we think Grady's going to do. I know how hard it is for you to be here. We need to start over."
I knew he was right. "I'm sorry. I just need time to adjust. You know I don't do well with change, but I know this will be good for us."
"Grady has my email, and he's still co-owner of our company. If he wants to find us, he will. I would never leave if I thought he couldn't."
"Where are we going?"
"To a little beach community on the outskirts of San Diego."
"Oh, wow. We really are moving."
"It's been a month since the accident, and this community is still grieving. Every time we go to the grocery store, we pass memorials. Every time I read the paper, there's a new story about another family that perished."
"I know, Brandt. I get it. I run into my parents' friends all the time. It's hard hearing the condolences all the time. Makes it hard to move on. I think a fresh start where no one knows us is a great idea. I just hope Grady will join us one day."
"He will."
"Can you take me somewhere before we leave town?" I asked.
"Of course."
The movers were done, so we went through the apartment to make sure nothing was left behind and then dropped the keys off with the building manager. We were meeting the movers at the new place in the evening, so we had time to visit our family's graves. We stopped by the flower shop and picked up a few bundles of forget-me-not flowers. Brandt wandered to his parents' graves and left me surrounded by my parents' and Tessa's.
The gravestones were simple. I had "Forget Me Not" engraved on all of them. It was a theme continued from my wedding, and it held a special importance to me, but it was hard standing here. I hadn't been back since the funeral, and it was probably too soon, but I needed to say goodbye before we left.
"I should say something profound, but all I really want to say is don't forget about me, because I will never forget about you. I want to believe you're still with me. I want to believe you'll see this baby be born from wherever you are, because believing you are gone is just too much." I held the flowers in one hand and my mom's necklace around my neck in the other. "I just have to believe that you’re watching over me."
Brandt joined me. I split the bouquet and placed some on each gravestone, including his parents'. I stopped and turned around as we walked away.
"To new beginnings." I blew them a kiss.
Nothing Left
We pulled up to a cute little community called Cliffside, full of quaint bungalows lining the streets. It was dark when we arrived, but I spotted the moving truck on the curb just ahead.
"Is that our new home?" I was sad when we left the valley, but being here raised my excitement.
"Yes." He smiled. "It's just a rental until we find something more permanent."
"I already love it. It's so peaceful." Peace was what I needed. I needed to get away from all the memorials and posters around town. No one would know me here. No more awkward run-ins in the cereal aisle about my parents. No more sad stares as I walked down the street in which I grew up.
"For the first time since the accident, I'm hopeful, Brandt. I want the best life for our baby. Thank you for doing this."
"The great thing about having an online business is you can move anywhere." He pulled into the narrow driveway.
"Can I go inside?" I was bouncing in my seat. He dangled the house keys in front of me. I reached for them, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me close to him.
"I love you until the day I die and beyond, Mrs. Reilly."
His grip on my hand was just tight enough to ignite desire. I hadn't felt this spark in so long that it felt foreign. I wanted to feel like this again, and a new beginning was just what we needed to come alive.
"Why, Mrs. Reilly, I do believe you're blushing."
The subtle curve of his lip tempted me to show him how much I was blushing right here in the car. "Well, Mr. Reilly, I do believe I am."
He grabbed the back of my neck and eagerly claimed my lips as his own. We were interrupted by a knock on Brandt’s window from one of the moving guys.
"Go inside. I'll take care of this."
"Okay." I gave him a quick peck and hopped out of the car. I raced to the front door, unlocked it, and threw it open. It should have been the view of the ocean that knocked me to my knees, but it wasn't. Grady was standing at the slider. He turned and faced me. My heart didn't know what to do. It was conflicted between bursting with joy and throbbing with nerves. Our last encounter was intense, and I didn't know where we stood.
"Are you really just going to stand there?" he teased.
I cried as I raced into his arms. He wrapped me in a warm embrace and kissed the top of my head.
"I'm so sorry, Bay. I'm so damn sorry," he whispered as he hid his lips in my hair.
"It's okay. I'm just glad you're here. Thank you for being here."
He pulled me back and looked at me. "You don't look pregnant."
I laughed. "Good thing, because I'm only four weeks." I was overjoyed to be standing in the same room with him again, and it was comfortable. It was almost as it was before the accident. Almost. "Are you staying with us?"
"Nah, I have a place down the road. When I left, I came across this town. It made me think of you, so I told Brandt about it."
"He didn't tell me you guys talked." I was more than a little perturbed with Brandt now.
"I told him not to. He was still pissed at me, and I wasn't ready. What I did to you…what I thought I felt…it was misplaced. I was in a bad place, Bay. I hope one day we can just be Grady and Bay again."
"Of course. I love you, Grady, and this baby needs a good uncle."
The boys spent the night unloading the truck. The house was filled with a familiar brotherly banter that was solely missed. I ordered takeout, we ate and the guys drank, and we stayed up until way past midnight. Brandt was the first to turn in for the night, leaving Grady and me to catch up. We sat on the couch that faced the outside. It was pitch -black now, but I could see some stars in the distance.
"So, what have you been up to?" I asked.
"Running mainly, but I came across this really awesome restaurant that's for sale that Brandt and I are looking to invest in."
"Oh, wow, that's great. Lots of secrets between you boys."
"Not secrets. Plans," he corrected.
"Plans are good." I smiled.
"I'm just glad we're good, Bay."
I slid over to him and snuggled to his side. He put his arm around me. "Me, too."
BEING PREGNANT BREATHED new life into me. I had moments of giddiness when passing the baby aisles in the stores. I was tempted to buy stuff, but I still had two months to go. My due date was June fourth, exactly one month before my twenty-third birthday. We decided to let the sex of the baby be a surprise, but if it was a girl, we were going to name her Tessa. We were still going between boy names. This baby had given us all purpose and faith in the future.
Grady and Brandt were finishing the legal documents to take over the restaurant Grady found, and they were both working long hours on the surf company. It had thrived in the last six months, and they were starting to make a profit already. Things were slowly getting better. I still had breakdowns, but they were less frequent and only took me down for a day or so instead of a week. I hadn't been back to visit the graves since we left, but I wanted to after the baby was born. I wanted them to meet her or him.
Grady and I had found our strictly platonic friendship again. He was moving on, too. He stopped drinking and was dating. Maybe not so much dating since he never saw the same girl twice, but he was getting out there, which opened possibilities for love in the future. Our exchanges were fun and light again, and we never brought up that day when he kissed me. It was a forgotten moment.
"I still think you should name him Grady Junior if it's a boy!" Grady yelled from the sand as he approached.
He had been surfing and overheard Brandt and me talking about baby names as we sat on the patio eating breakfast. Our bungalow was right on the beach, which was perfect for two dedicated surfers.
"It's on the top of our list." I laughed.
"I'm being serious."
"Oh, we know," Brandt chimed in.
A sudden pain stabbed the side of my stomach, causing me to cry out. Grady threw his surfboard onto the sand and ran to my side where Brandt already was.
"What's wrong?" Brandt asked.
"I don't know. It's probably nothing." Another wave of pain hit me, making me dizzy, and I cried out again.
"We're going to the hospital." Brandt picked me up.
There was a dull ache between the stabbing pains, and it was difficult to breathe. "I'm scared," I muttered. I was losing consciousness.
"Baylor, stay with us."
I tried to keep my eyes open, but I couldn't, and their panicked voices faded.
I opened my eyes to a fuzzy world, and Brandt's beautiful outline hovering above me. I felt like I was floating. I knew whatever was happening was bad.
"I'm here, Bay. I'm here," Brandt said desperately.
His voice came filtered like a movie in slow motion. I couldn't feel my body from the chest down, and just before I passed out again, I caught sight of Grady on my other side.
MOMENTS DEFINED YOU, and moments lifted you up, but they could also destroy you. Meeting Brandt was a defining moment in my life, Tessa's miscarriage changed the fate of her relationship with Grady, and the train wreck was the defining moment that destroyed me…until now.
I felt a hand in mine, pulling me out of my sleep.
My eyes fluttered open and I tried to speak, but the way Brandt looked at me with bloodshot eyes and a broken heart spoke a thousand fractured words.
"No, no, no,” I pleaded. “Please, Brandt. Please. Not this." I cried hard, the incision on my stomach burned like hell with every convulsion. Brandt's tears matched mine as he crawled onto the bed and took me in his arms. He held me firmly as if that was all he needed to do to keep me together, like all the shattered pieces of the last year could be glued together with just one squeeze. This was it. This was my defining moment that took the last piece of me.
I had nothing left.
Nothing to give.
Nothing I wanted to take.
I was empty, and all I could do was cry, and all he could do was
hold me because he knew, too.
He knew this was it.
After some time passed, Brandt asked if Grady could come in. I listened to them whisper in the hallway as I stared expressionlessly out my hospital window.
"She needs help," Brandt urged.
"Maybe I can try?" Grady asked.
"We've lost her, Grady. She was on the verge when her family died, and I think the only thing that brought her back was this baby. I don't know if we are going to be able to help her on our own."
"I'm not saying she shouldn't get professional help, but I'm not giving up on her," Grady said, determined.
"What are you saying? That I'm giving up? That woman in there is the only thing keeping me together. Getting her help is my way of not giving up on her."
"Dude, I'm sorry. I just…I'm sorry."
I tuned out the rest of their conversation, letting my tears soak the pillow, as I got lost in the rainy skies. The sky had opened and was flooding the world with the tears of a million losses. One more added today.
Grady sneaked around and sat in the chair, blocking my view of the outside. "Hey."
I stared past him, still picturing the beauty of the cloudy day. He shifted in the seat, leaning over and resting his arms on his knees, his long hair falling in his eyes.
"We can do this, Bay. We can get through this…together. All three of us. We've done it before, so I know we can do it again."
I felt sorry for him. He was trying hard to bring me back, but he wasn't talking to Baylor anymore. He was talking to an empty shell. It didn't matter what anyone said or did; I couldn't come back this time.
He moved his chair right in front of me, took my hand, and rested his head on the bed.
"You don't have to say anything. Never talk again, if that's what you need. But you have to come back, if not for anything but Brandt and me. We need you, Bay."
I finally looked down at his head buried by my side. I should have reached out and petted his head to comfort him. To give him reassurance I would be okay one day, but I didn't, because I couldn't give him that. I was too far gone now. I was sucked into the dark world of the hopeless. I had died inside, and it was only a matter of time before my body caught up.